TuesDayNewsDay October 23, 2018 Vol. 1, Issue 4 – October 23, 2018
“But You’ve come so far…” – the surprise, unfamiliar voice who spoke to me one day – I now call her my Divine Mother… the closest thing to god I’ve ever known. The only voice in my head by which I’ve ever been surprised.
This photo is from a Tarot deck I used to have (maybe still do somewhere) called Triple Goddess Tarot. I added the words.
Song: Place To Be – Nick Drake (one of my favorites of which I was reminded yesterday while sitting in a new haunt. I love when old songs come back and have new significance. So many aspects of this song’s words speak to me right now. Love.) https://youtu.be/kwa71b33GBg
This last week has been a whirlwind – wonderful news: I am 99% sure that I have a new teaching job in the Spring. It’s at Alamance Community College, I’d be teaching Critical Thinking, 2 classes. What an honor! (And supplemental income, check! The Musician says “thank you”!). I’ll not be celebrating just yet, until everything is approved and I’ve signed a contract. Then I’ll be jumping for joy. 🙂 Halloween is my grandparents’ 60th wedding anniversary! I’m throwing them a dinner this Friday. I love them so much, they mean the world to me and they mean the world to each other. I love seeing them flirt with each other in the kitchen and how Paw Paw refers to Maw Maw as “his Bride” and when he comes out of surgery, he is always asking where she is first thing. All the nurses tell me these stories with tears in their eyes. Happens every time. I’m honored every day to be a part of their lives. Last week I took a mushroom foraging class, played a rad retro Halloween gig with the band (Radar Clowns – buncha cool cats), played Putt Putt for the first time in years, cooked a delicious meal and had a therapy sesh; it was one for the books. Upcoming shows are listed at the end and along the way, I hope you find something you enjoy. *cheers* (With my cold coffee, sitting here on my favorite rock and it’s 50 degrees outside…)
Dedication: This week I dedicate this to my dear and numerous, amazing girlfriends near and far. You all know who you are. All my closest loves who are strong and capable women. Several of my friends have birthdays around this time too and I am so glad they were born! Grateful for your unwavering support and validation (more on this) – I appreciate all of your wisdom, insight, and general badassery.
So now I have a strong interest in mushroom medicine, as I will be repairing my body through intentional release. (More on this) Thanks to Laura at Haw River Mushrooms, I have a beginners interest in foraging for mushrooms and tinctures aimed at healing!
The Moon will be full on Wednesday, Taurus full Moon. This Taurus Moon (my Moon is in Taurus and Gemini – I was born on a half-moon) is said to be the most magical full Moon of the year – connecting the physical with the meta-physical – that old saying that the veil becomes thin this time of year… the veil is lifted between realms – connecting us to our ancestors. I have learned more about my ancestors this year. As I changed my last name to Moore (my maternal grandfather’s family name) I learned a little about my maternal ancestral history. We are from Person county and I learned that my great great great great grandfather Abraham Moore, owned slaves. This was very upsetting and caused me to experience some direct white-guilt. I have always benefitted from being white, as a white woman, a gatekeeper for a patriarchal society – I realize this plainly. Talk to me if you wanna learn more about that. Nonetheless, guilt does us no good. Neither does shame. What debilitating, non-productive emotions they are – yet still we can learn from them. Instead of wallowing in my guilt and shame inherited from my ancestral roots, I am choosing to acknowledge it and move forward in my activism and advocacy with that in mind. I am the change agent if nothing else, to turn the story of my own history around, bending it further toward justice. That is why, this Full Moon, I will be letting go of some very serious behaviors and aged paradigms that have held me back from becoming the woman I want to be, (already am in some ways – but working to embody on a more habitual, natural basis).
Again I will be giving up alcohol, it does nothing good for me; it clouds my ability to feel and makes me more comfortable in social situations. With this other work, I hope to create more internal comfort in social settings. Of late I have been using tobacco here and there. I don’t like that. My body doesn’t deserve that. My mind hates myself when I do it, so I’m not going to anymore. It’s that time. I will be intentionally releasing my tendency for obsession and writing future stories in my mind based on my wants and desires, vs. what is reality. This is a VERY difficult task – I think we all can fall in that trap and distance ourselves from what’s actually going on vs. what we want to happen – basing our decisions on desire vs. fact. I will be releasing self-doubt and time-wasting. (More on that). I will be releasing my guilt and shame for my own privilege as a white woman and my historical association with the institutional racism in this country. Releasing this I believe will ritually bring in more room for me to be more of a change-agent in the work I aim to do in my time here, in this vessel. Lastly, I will be releasing my all or nothing thinking patterns and my attraction for the unavailable human. I am learning more and more about why I seem to be attracted to people who are emotionally, geographically, and situationally unavailable or able to commit. My goal is to change my subconscious attraction! Though I consciously crave love, protection, commitment and validation from a partner – I do not know what to do with these things when they come to me for real. My subconscious only knows how to deal with those who are destined to be at arms length (or road trip lengths away for that matter). Re-creations of the relationship I had with my mother. The woman from which I so desperately needed those aforementioned things – but could never find. She was unavailable and unable to give me what I needed as a child. I release my resentment for her and my need for control. I release my tears as they flow writing this piece today. I release my search for fulfillment, because hey, I am fulfilled. I open myself to the grey area – the liminal feeling of the unknown. My inner wisdom and Divine Mother said it just right, “But you have come so far.”
Being more self-aware is my goal and I am doing just that. Treating myself in the wholesome, luminous, protective way that I would treat my own child. My inner child. I’ve got your back girl. Come here. Bring it in! *gives the unending hug* That feels good, not awkward at all. *giggle*
Therapy this week (yesterday) helped me to gain clarity on just what it is that I have searched and longed for from my mother. In the moment when I lost faith in family, god, myself (repeated sexual abuse starting at age 7) my mother simply said, “If it happens again honey, let me know.” Those words caged my heart. I look back on that moment with more pain and disdain than even the abuses, interestingly enough… I wanted validation and protection – but now as an adult, I can give these things to myself! So instead of searching for forgiveness first (that was for what I THOUGHT I was going into therapy yesterday), my therapist switched gears and now we are working on self-validation. I have never learned about this before. It’s a new concept and I feel like I’m foraging in a whole new forest, ripe with foreign and delicious looking fruits – so much more connected to the ground beneath my feet. I am eager and excited vs. scared and hesitant. Release and renew! One step at a time.
So with all that release, I must refill my energy with something else. I do well with substitution and routine… so here is my brainstorming process for creating those substitutions:
* get clear on your goals and what steps are necessary to reach them – step by step – while still being present in the moment and ready/aware for/that Spirit may change your path – maintain presence and awareness to hear/feel these moments.
* get clear on your purpose. This is a prayer-driven sound. This is an awareness-driven answer. This is what you will hear when you are paying attention and listening for it.
* get clear on where you spend your time/energy. How much time do you waste? Do you waste time? Is time wasteable? I certainly think so. I know I both “do what is supposed to happen” (if that means binge-watching Game of Thrones – but let it be because you WANT to, not just what you “end up” doing) and I mindlessly flail through time/life more often than I like to sometimes.
Here are some tactics I have been researching for my health and sanity. Time Time Time. Time management. Healthy skills to remove myself from the gadgetry of the internet and telephones. Having trouble focusing? I am. Here’s what I’m going to try out and share with you all my own results. See most helpful article I’ve found (I really like her methodical way of doing things, it is always inspiring to see someone else’s process and reasoning): https://hbr.org/2018/10/i-ran-4-experiments-to-break-my-social-media-addiction-heres-what-worked
Concepts I learned and am trying out:
Dedicated Focus Hours – that are NOT reminders set into my schedule!! LOL
•Early Morning Mindfulness – waking up before getting out of bed (creating actual new neuropathway connections)
•11am break – stretch, intentional breathing
•3pm break – stretch, intentional breathing
•Evening Mindfulness – before bed
•Social Media Scroll Stroll Hour w/planned sharing already in the wings (taking note during the week/day vs stopping what you’re doing completely to “post”)
•One day a week completely without a phone/computer. (most likely Saturdays – encouraging more planning ahead to know what’s going on and what I’m doing… I have noticed my memory slipping and the addiction to my calendar is real y’all.)
•Setting parameters and deadline guidelines to get chunks of work finished (self-discipline) (if I DO need to use the internet on the day off)
So… I’ll let you know how all that works out. Haha. I can see my skeptical self raising an eyebrow while I say that. The determined self sticking her tongue out and skipping away delightfully.
So long loves, hope your week is filled with appreciation for your own journey. Happy full Moon to you all. Sincerely,
#LivingQueryOfTheWeek What would be a single sentence you would say to your lover to express how you feel? Mine would be, “I hope we can go on journeys together, tickled, barefoot and satisfied.”
Alrighty then, UPCOMING SHOWS: (Mystery Show with Radar Clowns Nov 2nd is cancelled.)
Sat, October 27 BIG DAY! – Private party gig for a new friend’s birthday, then going to the Jonathan Byrd CD release show at the ballroom and then a Halloween party in Saxapahaw! This year I’m going to be IncogNita Pumpkin Purple People Eata (Wheel of Fortune before and after, haha)
Sat, November 3rd – Me-n-Pete Duo
7:15pm, Star, NC @ #StarworksCafeTaproom
Sun, November 4th – w/Radar Clowns, Rain Dogs by Tom Waits Theme
3:00-5:00pm, Pittsboro @ #CITYTAPPITTSBORO
Fri, November 23 – Me-n-Bruce
7:30-9:30pm, Asheboro, NC @ #Bottle&Can http://www.bottleandcannc.com
Fri, November 30th – Anita Lorraine with Bruce Horvath https://tinyurl.com/StoneSoupShow
7:00-9:00pm, Saxapahaw @ #TheEddyPub
Fri, December 14 – One-Hit-Wonders-Reprise!
This weeks pictures:
a quote from my calendar
Gravestone out in Mebane on my friends’ farm. I love her name: Mahala (sounds like thank you in Hawaiian)
The view from my walk this morning through the grasses.