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Dedication: Morgan Siem – I can’t wait for you to meet her. She is a devoted lover of the land and I now live on said “land”. Soon, the little farm will have a name. We’re working up ideas. I love Morgan’s positivity, playfulness, honesty, organization and assertiveness. I love her style and willingness to dream big. I love her cat Aslan. I love the way she is aware of her feelings and helpfully communicates them, leaving no room for wondering or need of assumption. I love her dedication to her own growth, so crucially important and awesome.
We have essentially decided to be life-land-mates out here in Snow Camp together. More on that later. Thank you Morgan for saying Yes.

Quote: “I have seen, over and over, the connection between tuning in to what brings aliveness into our systems and being able to access personal, relational and communal power. Conversely, I have seen how denying our full, complex selves – denying our aliveness and our needs as living, sensual beings – increases the chance that we will be at odds with ourselves, our loved ones, our coworkers and our neighbors on this planet.” – Adreinne Marie Brown

Song: Cedar Tree – Ishitani – This is new to me, it’s beautiful piano music. I will soon have a little safe haven in between two big Eastern Red cedars, two American Hollys, a few Sweet Gums and a Hickory. I was searching for a Cedar song and found this. It’s lovely. Enjoy the relaxation. Try not to drool. Youtube Video – Cedar Tree- – Ishitani

Dear Humans,
it’s been a minute!
Yesterday, my inclination to write reared her head and I am heeding the demand. At this moment, I hear drips from the downspout of my new and temporary living arrangements. There are peepers and crows, squirrels and black walnuts thudding to the ground. I can hear an airplane jettisoning overhead while the sound trails slowly behind. The road is lightly muffled by the trees and distance from where I sit to the road. All around is Life. I’m becoming accustomed to farm time, waking up around 6 or so before the sun rises, “just to watch the day begin” as Kate Wolf said in her timeless song, “Give Yourself To Love”.
Moving here in early September, I simultaneously ordered my little shed. IT IS NOW READY and teasing me every day! The Environmental Health dept has to come and inspect, then I am getting a permit from the county. I hope that doesn’t take too long. I’m itching to get started and build a fire in that wood stove. *breathe*

Pepita kitty has had a down-turn in her health since last we spoke. In April, she was diagnosed with polycythemia vera – her red blood cells are overproduced and therefore her blood is too thick, sludge-like, in fact. The options for her are limited to therapeutic phlebotomies, leech (yes real-live leeches) therapy or a chemo drug. I’ve opted for the leeches. Performing the therapy here at the house with live leeches has proven to be a nerve-wracking and seriously anxiety-laden task. Many things are hard at first, this is no different. I’m getting better and I hope that the initial therapies prove to be helpful for her and prevent her from needing chemo drugs. EVERYONE is grossed out by it and I had a helluva time getting a doctor who would order the leeches for me. Now that I have found one, we are working together to help Pepita to live the best life she can. I am adjusting to being a mom to eight leeches. It’s totally weird.

Just like the rest of the world, life has been absolutely insane. I know my life is riddled with privilege and I am grateful for all I have worked for and for all which has been given. To get it all out in a tangible form, I’m going to attempt to fully list the things that have been going on and activities which have been keeping me hella busy (I’m sure this list will not suffice):
1. Pepita’s health and monitoring my grandparent’s health from a safe distance (we eat out a few times a week after I finish teaching during the week).
2. Teaching 3 classes, all different formats – one totally in person, one hybrid online/one day a week of class, and a fully online course – about 56 students worth of grading.
3. Democracy Matters mentoring 15 hours a week via phone calls, emails, zoom and social media outreach/upkeep
4. Moving and prepping for the building of my tiny shed studio
5. figuring out finances for tiny house and Pepita
6. The 2022 Saxy Rooster contest and calendar creation
7. Creating botanical products for my new biz, Resilience Apothecary
8. Short to moderately long bouts of depression, daily anxiety
9. Played a live show in Star, NC (haven’t been playing out at all, that was a very nice return from a long hiatus)
10. Started a podcast about ways one can be resilient through magical and creative means (Resilience Apothecary Podcast)
11. I had to put on hold the album due to Covid. 😦 As soon as it’s possible, I am looking forward to getting back in the studio with Mark and making that record! Surrendering to the Sacred!! (all original songs and so much love and memories)
12. Cooking and keeping myself fed
13. Trying to keep my body healthy and doing better than I used to!
14. Going to Al-Anon and keeping in weekly contact with my sponsor
15. Bi-weekly meetings via Telehealth with my counselor – sometimes I went a few months without it because I would literally forget and then get behind in her scheduling…
16. Found another general practitioner doctor because my insurance no longer covered my doc in Graham, so now I have to go to Mebane. 🙄
17. Kept a garden of tomatoes over the Summer, forgot sometimes and they would fall off the vine! Also grew a garden of herbs and greens, I probably had about 5 salads from the lettuce. I wasn’t a very attentive gardener this summer.
18. Reading tarot cards for people and making new tarot card spreads – I love doing this.
19. Getting rid of stuff. I think my overall belongings weight was lessened by about 200lbs. HAHA.

This list could go on and on, but I tell you, there are a few people who have kept me going during all this. Joseph, my special friend, has been tremendously helpful and supportive and nurturing not only my serious need for help around the house, but also with my occasional need to get the fuck outta town. We’ve had a few adventures over the last year and soon we will get to celebrate our year-long anniversary of me asking him if he’d go camping with me.
My sponsor has been a constant contact and friend to hear all the ups and downs – I cherish her greatly.
My boss-lady at Alamance Community College. She’s amazing. I can’t list all the ways.
Bruce for loving me and checking up on me when he know’s I’m struggling.
Andrea for housing me, providing turkey manwiches and doggie walks, and encouraging neighbor get-togethers until I found my direction towards the land upon where I sit.
Lee Worthington for inspiring me with every moment she exists. We lost her dear John last year and through witnessing her grieving process, I see how I want to be in the world. Present. Assertive. Emotionally honest and vulnerable. Realistic. Able to ask for help. Able to say no when I can’t. Kind and generous and in awe of the Universe every single moment. She is a real-live she-ro for me.
Alison Weiner for giving me a few piano lessons and many moments of stopping to appreciate her in this world.
Michelle Dove – for her unending love and care – her letters, her thoughtfulness, her being.
Judith Brooks for taking the time to sit still with me and writing a wonderful book from which I will and have learned much already about how to communicate with plants.
The post office – our post office woman, Destiny. She’s made it through some of the worst situations the USPS has ever seen, and through it all, she had her ups and downs, but on the days she smiled, she brightened my day. Not to mention she ALWAYS looks beautiful no matter what day it is.
Harry Phillips – he makes everything beautiful and it’s an honor to get to live at the same time as him.
My students, for loving me and giving me a good reason to get up in the morning. I may not grade their forums in a timely fashion, but I do love them all, even the ones who think I’m the college version of Ms. Frizzle. Unfortunately, at this time, I do NOT have a magic schoolbus. But I will. Mark my words.

I see that this list could go on for weeks. I’m grateful for everyone, all the animals and plants, wind and rain and sun. I’m grateful that it has finally cooled off and Autumn is here in deed, not just in lip-service.

Singing and playing haven’t come to me lately. Yesterday, I was singing a Joni Mitchell tune in the shower. I’ve had “Tell It Like It Is” stuck in my head for a week. I think when I dig myself out of this little, sad hole I’ve dug for myself of late, I’ll have some music to play and share. Until then, it’s birds and chirpers, wind and crows who are providing the music. Also, the occassional, hilarious, totally raw cockadoodlederrrrrrrr….. (not dooo) in the mornings.

I’m glad to write again today. I hope to get back to my podcast soon. I hope to bottle the next few tinctures and flower essences as well. I hope I can breathe again. When I’m worried, I don’t breathe deeply. Yesterday, I tested negative for covid and that was a relief which gave me some oxygen molecules as well. Let’s hope it stays that way!! Everyone, put your masks on, we are not free and clear just yet. No matter who or what is to blame for that, it doesn’t change a damn thing. Be safe out there. I love you all. Wish you could see my view: cardinals and chirping birds eating out of the birdfeeder I hung and filled the other day. Ta Ta for now, maybe I’ll keep this up for a while again. We’ll see! Off to leech the kitty. 🙀😾😽

Pictures and videos from since I’ve moved:

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Hey yall, It’s Tuesday.  The Earth turned into the Sun again today.  The clouds parted so that we may feel the warmth of that Sun too.  For those things and more, I am hella grateful.  Please see the passage below.  I am re-reading this little book called Practicing Peace and it speaks to every ounce of what is happening in the world right now and how we can all choose to evolve through these times.  Pema on Racial Injustice

Dedication: To everyone. All the people. All the animals. All the plants. All the Spirits.

Quote:  Practicing Peace by Pema Chödrön.  “War begins when we harden our hearts, and we harden them easily— in minor ways and then in quite serious, major ways, such as hatred and prejudice—whenever we feel uncomfortable. It’s so sad, really, because our motivation in hardening our hearts is to find some kind of ease, some kind of freedom from the distress that we’re feeling. Someone once gave me a poem with a line in it that offers a good definition of peace: “softening what is rigid in our hearts.” We can talk about ending war and we can march for ending war, we can do everything in our power, but war is never going to end as long as our hearts are hardened against each other.

What happens is a chain reaction, and I’d be surprised if you didn’t know what I’m talking about. Something occurs—it can be as small as a mosquito buzzing—and you tighten. If it’s more than a mosquito—or maybe a mosquito is enough for you—something starts to shut down in you, and the next thing you know, imperceptibly the chain reaction of misery begins: we begin to fan the grievance with our thoughts. These  thoughts become the fuel that ignites war. War could be that you smash that little teensy-weensy mosquito. But I’m also talking about war within the family, war at the office, war on the streets, and also war between nations, war in the world.

We often complain about other people’s fundamentalism. But whenever we harden our hearts, what is going on with us? There’s an uneasiness and then a tightening, a shutting down, and then the next thing we know, the chain reaction begins and we become very righteous about our right to kill the mosquito or yell at the person in the car or whatever it might be. We ourselves become fundamentalists, which is to say we become very self-righteous about our personal point of view.

…The next time you get angry, check out your righteous indignation, check out your fundamentalism that supports your hatred of this person, because this one really is bad—this politician, that leader, those heads of big companies. Or maybe it’s rage at an individual who has harmed you personally or harmed your loved ones. A fundamentalist mind is a mind that has become rigid. First the heart closes, then the mind becomes hardened into a view, then you can justify your hatred of another human being because of what they represent and what they say and do.

…If you look back at history or you look at any place in the world where  religious groups or ethnic groups or racial groups or political groups are killing each other, or families have been feuding for years and years, you can see—because you’re not particularly invested in that particular argument— that there will never be peace until somebody softens what is rigid in their heart. So it’s necessary to take a big perspective on your own righteousness and your own fundamentalism when it begins to kick in and you think your own aggression and prejudice are reasonable.

I try to practice what I preach; I’m not always that good at it but I really do try. The other night, I was getting hard-hearted, closed-minded, and fundamentalist about somebody else, and I remembered this expression that you can never hate somebody if you stand in their shoes. I was angry at him because he was holding such a rigid view. In that instant I was able to put myself in his shoes and I realized, “I’m just as riled up and self-righteous and closed minded about this as he is. We’re in exactly the same place!” And I saw that the more I held on to my view, the more polarized we would become, and the more we’d be just mirror images of one another—two people with closed minds and hard hearts who both think they’re right, screaming at each other. It changed for me when I saw it from his side, and I was able to see my own aggression and ridiculousness.

Image result for pema chodronIf you could have a bird’s-eye perspective on the Earth and could look down at all the conflicts that are happening, all you’d see are two sides of a story where both sides think they’re right. So the solutions have to come from a change of heart, from softening what is rigid in our hearts and minds.”

Practicing Peace Mini-Book PDF

 

Song: I Want To Be Here – by Neko Case, here’s the video Bruce and I played for today with this song, recorded by my awesome roommate, Andrea. InstaVideoSongPost

Dear Humans,

The excerpt from above means a lot to me.  I wish I could somehow transfer this sentiment of softening our hearts to every human on this planet.  Some people know this already, but some people don’t and would never agree… so we’d have to sneak it in while they were sleeping.  We could send a little whisper of Love into their ears via magic fairy dust or something they couldn’t successfully shake out or wash off in the morning.  I don’t have much to say that Pema didn’t already about all that’s happening out there in the world.  I wish everyone rest and a calm heartbeat.  I wish everyone food in their bellies and enough resources to provide for what they need.  I wish for marginalized people to have some peace of mind and heart.  I wish those in power would use it for the betterment of society instead of to its detriment.  I wish for people’s hearts to soften and to feel what it is that could truly save this world, Love.  (and 6 feet of temporary personal space…)  Goodnight y’all.

 

 

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    At this moment, all that exists in my sights are the darkness of the night sky through the window, the golden light of a candle glimmering in my periphery and the glow of this computer screen.  Of late, I have read many stories by writers about their influences and writers whom they adore. The most compelling stories depict how the main inspiration was the author’s own life, their own experiences and hardships were their teachers and the stories told themselves, their fingers were merely a medium.

    Songs seem to come to me this way.  Ideas for paintings, projects, special studies… they all jump into my mind and slam the “Go” button, yet, it wasn’t my choice to press it.  Once, I was asked to write my autobiography on one page. That was horribly prohibitive. It takes a half-hour just to get started when telling about my life.  Perhaps I am simply detail-oriented or lack conciseness. I see everything as bleeding into everything else, just like a watercolor painting which starts with too much water.  Except, in life, those bleeding tales need no judgment, at this point, of too much or too little liquid. Those tales exist only in the memories of my body and when I think back to them or something reminds me of them; I can only experience them in the moment or in a dream.  At times, I become overwhelmed with the sound of my heart beating and shortness of breath. Other times, the need to sleep or eat suddenly tips me over and makes me weak in the knees. In more extreme cases, fear fills every pore, unexplainable in the present moment as to why and I find myself floating above, as an outsider looking in, disassociating.  Somehow, I can become a shadow when the worst moments resurface. I get lost in the replay and the mountainous weight of knowing there is nothing I can do to change the stories. In those dark and tremendous moments, there are veins reaching into the future, into the people I love, into the choices I make, into the way I look in the mirror, into the way strangers look at me…  All this is happening under the guise of a smiling, confident, albeit sometimes distracted, woman.

    Imagine what it would be like if those moments disappeared.  What would happen if those shocking and depressing moments no longer plagued those of us who share them?  There could be a light, a blinding light, swirling out of my forehead. I see light emanating from my fingertips and from each strand of hair.  There is no memory in my body, from the earliest of early storage drawers of visions, that does not have a tinge of sadness. I cannot remember ever feeling completely light, free, and without judgment.  Fear permeates every facet of life. I could be beaten for not finishing my dinner or having an accident potty training. I could be abused or taunted by any man who walked by. I could be ridiculed for being imperfect by any movement, decision, performance or by simply existing.  Simultaneously, I was treasured and praised when I was approvable. In public, I was the gem of the show. I was “the rock”. The undeterminable atmosphere of our home, the lack of comfort, the affectation of normalcy, the quid-pro-quo nurturing, the unending sarcasm, perversion, and the predatorial context into which my sister and I were forced to exist has created, in me, a person who needs to come to terms with the impact such a life has had on my body.  The lives and bodies of millions of people in this world are all carrying scars on their beating hearts from childhood. They learned about their lack of importance, their prescribed stupidity and their lack of control so early, the notion that such things don’t HAVE to hold them down may never be realized in their lives. They may never individuate.

    I have the privilege of a new awareness of how my body, heart, and mind are all interconnected and I proclaim that the marks carved into my being are going to be brought to light.  Immunity to sickness and dedication to health are the core of my focus now. The amount of time it will take to begin to feel whole and happy again may be lengthy. Yet, I am here.  I am learning. My body is going to heal. I have magnets in my heart and the celestial bodies and our beautiful, magical planet are connected by those same forces.

I am filled with grit. I am the softest green moss of the forest floor.

In some corner of my mind, I have yet to unearth, there is the North star of hope.

I am seeking Spirit by this river’s shore and in my inner flame’s ashes and smoke.

long exposure of photography of brown tree
Photo by Harrison Haines on Pexels.com

 

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Sup everybody? At this moment, the television in this sushi restaurant is playing sports and it’s all I can hear. My brain feels a bit frazzled honestly. Today I began my teaching semester and, since the holiday season began and ended, life has thrown some radical changes – no judgement of bad or good, however. These changes are necessary and welcome as much as they were surprising and challenging.

Dedication: Today, I dedicate this newsletter to my students. I teach at a community college and my students are adults ranging from 17-65 years old. They are from diverse backgrounds and work hard for the education they’re receiving (mostly). Back in 2002, I started attending ACC and worked 2 jobs while taking care of my grandparents. It took me 4 years to graduate with my associates (a 2-year degree) and then transferred to Appalachian. I respect these students and their experiences because I’ve been there. Teaching critical thinking to humans from Alamance County is a feat I couldn’t have imagined getting into – but it is sacred work, as much as I may bitch about the tedious “process” of working in a public education. I found myself looking forward to teaching today for the first time since I began last year. I blasted Lizzo on the radio about being my own Soulmate and taught two fabulous classes filled with students who seem to give a damn. Nothing could be a better gift. I’m real with them, present them with difficult, thought-provoking material, and honor their opinions while challenging them with the task of examining from where those opinions originated. Rock star status.

Song: Soulmate by Lizzo – that’s the song of the day. If you don’t know Lizzo, here ya go. You’re welcome. Soulmate by Lizzo Interview with Lizzo on The Daily Show with Trevor Noah, my biggest celebrity crush. Daily Show Lizzo Interview I am in love with Lizzo’s amazing messages – they are transformational and challenging patriarchy at EVERY TURN. *yes, please*

Quote: “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” – Dr. Maya Angelou *application yall*

Dear humans, TONIGHT special airing solo show on facebook live show hosted by Neville’s Quarter! Lex and Brian are hosting and I’m their grateful guest! Look up Neville’s Quarter on Facebook to see the live show tonight at 6!

More shows to come yall! So much love! Tune in tonight~!

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I was just on the phone with my grandmother.

She told me that my mother wants to donate a thousand dollars to my album fundraiser.  The only thing she wants in return is her own copy.  That was the last thing I expected to be thinking about tonight.  I told Maw Maw that I’d have to think about it.  There are several reasons why I need to think about it and Becky Miller’s voice just popped into my head as I think about them… I feel surprised.  I feel nauseous.  I feel trepidatious.  I think she doesn’t know what she’s getting into.  There’s only one real reason for all this fear, Darlene.   Darlene will smack my mother in the face via song.  I don’t want my music to hurt anyone, but Darlene has fighting gloves, armor and a helmet she wears around my mother.  Darlene is a force.  Darlene is fierce.  Darlene is both scared and strong.

Becky Miller said to me once, “You are not responsible for how someone else reacts to your truth. You are only responsible for being honest about who you are.”  I can’t control how my mother reacts to this.  I am nervous she’ll hate it.  I am scared she’ll sue me for non-support.  I’m afraid she’ll deny it and make me out to be the bad guy.

Tonight, for the first time, I read the lyrics to Darlene to my grandmother.  I could barely get through the song, reading it more like a poem.  I was choking up and holding back tears to be able to pronounce the words clearly enough so she could understand what I was saying.  At the end (I was grateful I made it through), she was quiet.  I had no idea what she was going to say.  I asked her, “You there?” and she answered, “Yes, I’m here.  That brought on a few tears. Your Paw Paw’s going to like that.”

So here I am, back to wondering if I should accept the money and give her a record, if I should accept the money and not give her a record, or if I should just reject the whole idea. The brave little one inside of me is afraid that her mother will judge her and hate her even more.  You see, in May of 2002, she called me from jail. She’d been arrested for not taking care of her children (I will spare you the details.).  She used her one phone call to tell me that I ruined her life.  Over the years, she’d called me stupid, lied over and over again, and very nonchalantly said to me when I was seven, “If it happens again, honey, let me know.” after I told her I’d been molested by her boyfriend’s son.  Of course, it happened again, and again, and again.

I don’t think about these things every day, consciously.  However, they color my existence and make me the sparkly person you know today.  I was polished through those moments to become Anita Lorraine, named after both my grandmothers and now have chosen to take my grandfather’s last name, Moore.  Anita Lorraine Moore.

It may take some time to come to a decision on this.  I hope I make a decision that makes the world a better place for us all.  This album is the crux of my inspiration.  Some of my music is happy.  Some is contemplative.  Some is magical.  Some is angry.  Some is broken-hearted.  Darlene, however, is revolutionary and bold.  She is a phoenix.

 

Darlene was raised in two different worlds

One was safe. The other, toil

Darlene paid in the old-time way

Full-grown girl, before she turned eight

 

Her daddy shamed her in the end

Momma left her on her own to fend

She needed love and a place to go

A place she found just a mile or so

 

Grandfather’s hands worked to the bone

Grandmother’s love gave her a home

Grandfather gave her all his pride

Grandmother was her sweetheart’s bride

 

She tried to pray but could not hear

The voice of God within her ear

Darlene knew she couldn’t run

To save herself from his father’s son

She had to freeze, her mind to bend

To save herself from her mother’s men

 

Grandfather came to the rescue

Grandmother was someone she looked up to

Grandfather’s grown into an old man

Grandmother still, she still holds his hand

 

You know Darlene’s not the only one

Children’s tears can’t be undone

But if this truth we refuse to ignore 

This world would change, we would take no more 

 

Darlene learned how to spread her wings

Sang with angels inside her dreams 

Her light shone through the darkest of  nights

Into a song… born of candlelight 

 

We are born fearless

    Named after our kin

 

    Blood and bone

    Show where we’ve been

 

Blood and bone

Show where we’ve been

 

     Blood and bone

     Memories and skin 

If you want to learn more about the fundraiser, visit: Sacred Album Recording Fundraiser 

If you want to see the live video of Darlene, visit here: Darlene Facebook Fundraiser Live Video Series

If you want to share or talk about anything, please send me an email, my door is open: anitalorrainemusic@gmail.com

Please consider donating to my album, 5% of all donations go to RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) is the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization. RAINN created and operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline (800.656.HOPE) in partnership with more than 1,000 local sexual assault service providers across the country.)

Thank you ALL for your support of this music, it means the world to me.
$40 = 1 hour in the studio ~ $5 = gas back and forth to the studio! It all helps.

LOVE,

ALM

 

 

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I am making a promise to myself right now.

I will always protect you Anita. I will look out for your best interests and remove you from harmful, hurtful situations. I will never allow anyone to abuse you in any way. I will do my best to recognize quickly if that is happening. I will always validate your feelings. They are legitimate and worthy of consideration, even when everyone else chooses to ignore them or forgets them altogether. I will ask you how you feel and what you think about any given situation, but especially hard situations. I will give you time to consider them and space to come to your conclusions without pressure. I’ll give you all the time you need to pray, journal, and seek answers. When you have found them, I will honor them and be proud of you for the work you’ve done of searching your own soul for your own truth. I will light a candle for your resilience and support you in your decisions and love you unconditionally. I will understand that you are doing your best and that your best will not look the same in all situations.

Lastly, I will remember that it is OK if you change your mind and be open to learning what caused you to do so. You deserve all these things, as does everyone else. However, I will always remember only *I* can provide *YOU* with these things, no one else. I cannot provide for everyone and I am only obligated to you to act in your best interests. Your well-being and safety must come first. I will always believe you, trust. I will always take nurturing care of you.

You deserve love and a safe home to which you can return at any time, I will give that to you. Especially at Christmas, if you need to return home, I will take you home.

I love you,

Anita