TuesDayNewsDay Vol 1, Issue 5 – October 30, 2018
Quote: “You have to feel it to heal it.” My therapist said this to me yesterday – indicative to me of all the things we do to try to NOT feel. (For me, it has been staying super busy, not taking time to sit with myself, looking after others (thinking I have some sort of control) and at times drinking/eating.) I am glad I am beginning to make the space to feel and to be aware of what those feelings are. Awhile back I wrote that I thank the great Spirit for allowing me to hear her.
Song: “Lonely for A While” – Jesse Winchester “I thought if you give love then you get love in return, after all that seems only fair… but you revolutionized my way of thinking…” https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-QEyD4dNK0Y I love this song. Classic stubborn love.
Dedication: Today I dedicate this to the trails of Saxapahaw. I have found real solace on those trails of late. They provide quiet and contemplation moments, the place to walk with friends, the time for appreciation of this Autumn’s leaves a’changing. Thank you pine forest, white oak, elm and sycamore. Thank you magic rock, Saxy dock, mud, and creek obstacles (some days you can cross, some days you can’t and you have to alter your course). Thank you turtle, beetle, deer, beaver, cormorant, heron, crow and geese. Thank you rain and sun.
Welcome to Tuesday, where the weekend starts in Saxapahaw (according to our Jazz night profressionals) and where I have begun to write a weekly newsletter. This is one of my time management applications and it is working! Last week I was talking about having a more structred way of organizing my time. So far, I have been able to carve out chunks of time for work and have yet to work out a schedule for non-distraction and intentional social media time.
Work: Last week, I had the honor of meeting my new chapter of students at UNC, my student Shaina is starting a new chapter of Democracy Matters and is rockin’ it. So proud of her!
Life: Maggie made me breakfast Wednesday morning, always a treat. Friday I had a small dinner at the Eddy for my Grandparents’ 60th wedding anniversary. It was so sweet to see them gushing over one another. This week I am house-sitting for them and feeding their kitty in Burlington, this is the house in which I spent many years growing up, the safe haven. Saturday was a huge day! My friend asked me to sing for her 50th birthday party, it was one of the most beautiful and heart-felt gatherings I’d ever seen. After that, I went to see Jonathan Byrd’s CD release show at the Haw River Ballroom. Exquisite show. I love how they interact with the People, how they honor the Past, how they preach their Truth, how they read Poetry and give their All. Lastly, there was an adult costume party out at Thistledown Farm. My roommates throw it every year and we had a great time. I dressed up as the IncogNitaPurplePeoplePumpkinEata. Basically I was dressed all in purple and my dress lit up. 🙂
Shows: I enjoyed playing out by myself at the birthday party, it had been awhile since I played solo. Singing solo is very different from playing with a person or a group. I don’t have to curb my tendency to alter the timing of a song or the length at which I hold a note (or don’t). Growing up singing in choirs allowed for me to have the ear if I needed to know when to sing more quietly or to crescendo with the group. This week I have a duo gig with Pete Pawsey in Star, NC. I look forward to this as we haven’t played just the two of us in a while.
Therapy: Realized I was super green this week when it comes to the process of forgiveness. I went into therapy last week hilariously saying “Today, I’m going to forgive my mom!” (This is the fundamendal relationship I felt like I needed to heal.) What came up during our conversation was not that I need to work on forgiveness, but rather what I need to do before that. Turns out the fundamental relationship I need to heal is the one with myself and my Spirit. My therapist asked me, “When your mom said, “If it happens again honey, let me know.” What did you need in that moment?” I said that I needed protection, and finally, validation. It felt as if I did not matter. My experience wasn’t important to the one person I needed in that moment (and many more similar moments to come.). So my homework last week was to research self-validation. I have to learn how to do this myself. And on that note, last night I wrote a poem when I arrived home after a wonderful date with a new friend. I drove right past the place where I used to live on my way back to Maw Maw and Paw Paw’s house. I have to cross those railroad tracks and see my mother’s house every time I go Home. It’s heartbreaking and infuriating at the same time. I’d like to let that go, and here’s a poem that helped me to feel those feelings:
~ That’s where my trailer used to be
Now an empty, dirty place on Pomeroy Street
Many things transpired there
Until tonight, to remember I wouldn’t have thought to dare
But tonight, as I drove by in my old Mazda truck
I drove by and realized that’s where my childhood got fucked
Literally and figuratively in most senses for sure
That’s where I begged to God and heard not a word
That’s where my existence didn’t matter
Stripped away from my little mind
All the thoughts of Home slowly shattered
No one came in to save me, like in the movies
Right on time
That’s where mother failed
Continues to fail as she’s failed before
To save her tiny girls’ dreams of deserving so much more
More than being alone
More than yearning for a Home
More than all the seeds I’ve sewn
Tonight, driving down that old street
I cried the kind of tears that stain your face
Where pain and skin meet
Makes it contort, you know the look
As if you’ve swallowed memories
Stabbing you in the throat
It wells up, that fear and explodes
Into little moments of your life as you go
Tiny transgressions and habits come forth
You develop a sense of helplessness inside
deny your sense of self-worth
You search and yearn to fill a bottomless hole
Afraid to feel, to heal what they stole
I’m here to tell you it’s not been easy
Surviving in secret, always feeling sleazy
Inside there’s a mirror that’s dark, full of shadows
No one’s seen in for decades of hours
But as of late, from a divine chance of fate,
My dreadful days are few.
Waking up in the morning,
I don’t feel the warning,
when my eyes see the day anew.
For in the dark matter
Somewhere those memories of satyrs
seem to have lost their grip.
And my vision of Mother
Is beginning to recover
From the stain that left me adrift. ~
From my journal last night: “Today I learned that in order to forgive, I must provide for myself the love, safety, and validation I never received from her, and without bitterness. By seeing this, I’ve seen a little light, hear a new Voice, it says that in spite of all this, I really do truly matter. My feelings and experience are valid and I need no one to know that these things are true. Now all I have to do is apply this to my love relationships – you know the ones – the ones where you put yourself on the line, anchoring your vulnerability in that sacred place of trust and faith. *big sigh*
It really is true that you can’t give love to anyone else until you first give it to yourself. Feel it, Anita Moore.”
Built an ancestor altar Sunday night as well. Feels good to consciously remember where I come from, I also put a picture of my mother as a little girl on the altar to build compassion for her as a human being. Baby steps.
#LivingQueryOfTheWeek : Have you ever smelled the air and been taken back to a place your love? This happens to me when I walk through the woods and smell the rot, the decomposition, the new life springing forth from decay.
Sat, November 3rd – Me-n-Pete Duo 7:15pm, Star, NC @ #StarworksCafeTaproom
Sun, November 4th – w/Radar Clowns, Rain Dogs by Tom Waits Theme 3:00-5:00pm, Pittsboro @ #CITYTAPPITTSBORO
Fri, November 23 – Me-n-Bruce 7:30-9:30pm, Asheboro, NC @ #Bottle&Can http://www.bottleandcannc.com
Fri, November 30th – Anita Lorraine with Bruce Horvath https://tinyurl.com/StoneSoupShow 7:00-9:00pm, Saxapahaw @ #TheEddyPub
Fri, December 14 – One-Hit-Wonders-Reprise!