Prelims cont.. because I talk so much… personal development taking time

Well, today was also a continuation of preliminaries. (again thank you for the candles and well wishes.) Today I took a test on potential dissociative behavior. I had to answer about 15 to 20 questions related to how much I check out in terms of daily life. She asked me questions about when I’m driving do I ever arrive somewhere and not remember how I got there. She asked me if when I’m talking to people and forget what they say or check out while they’re talking… going off in a daydream of something else. I do that sometimes for sure… There were a lot of questions like that and in the end I asked her what exactly she was trying to figure out with this test and she said that on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being highly dissociative, I’m about to five or six. That means that I have the ability to put on a face when I need to because I had to in situations to survive.  Sometimes people’s traumatic experiences create the need for whole other personalities… Interestingly, I just had to deal with that over the weekend, putting on a face when I was just about to break open inside. Insert Tori Amos song here:

So here’s some comic relief… Because I am such a verbal processor, we didn’t get to the EMDR therapy today, because I am verbose.. At the end of the session she said, please don’t take offense when I interrupt you and stop you’re processing, it’s not me being disrespectful, it’s that this process really doesn’t need explaining, it just needs for you to feel it. I have no idea what that means, I guess I’m such a verbal processor with what’s going on inside my mind that this is going to be a whole new experience for me.

So now that I’ve gone two weeks without actually starting the therapy and going into the office thinking that I would, there’s even more anxiety about it… Ha ha funny not funny. At least this week I don’t feel like I’m soft as a peach and about to splatter all over the floor. I feel pretty guarded right now and curious about what’s going to happen next. What’s going to happen in the next couple of hours is it I’m going to lay down after taking a walk and then I’m going to come back home and make pickles. That’s what’s going to happen in the immediate future. I’m going to put some love into some pickles.


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  1. Hi.

    You are friends with my biological brother, Timmi Cruz.

    I am reaching out because I also endured an incredibly abusive childhood(physical, sexual, and emotional abuse ), and EMDR is an amazing way to heal. I am proud of you. As we get older, the coping mechanisms we used in childhood and the first part of adulthood no longer work for us as adults, making decisions and relationships so hard. It just means you are ready to let yourself heal.
    I also use binary beats, and tapping, in addition to EMDR
    Best to you on your journey, and I hope you realize how beautiful life can be when we are able to redefine ourselves without the abusers influence on who we are.
    Even though I am fully estranged from my family of origin, I am grateful to my parents. Nit because they were good parents, but because I get to live and create here on Earth. I am not a product of my childhood, I am the compost of my own energy.

    Sorry if this is rambling and out of line.

    Best, amy lou cruz mautz


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