She told me that my mother wants to donate a thousand dollars to my album fundraiser. The only thing she wants in return is her own copy. That was the last thing I expected to be thinking about tonight. I told Maw Maw that I’d have to think about it. There are several reasons why I need to think about it and Becky Miller’s voice just popped into my head as I think about them… I feel surprised. I feel nauseous. I feel trepidatious. I think she doesn’t know what she’s getting into. There’s only one real reason for all this fear, Darlene. Darlene will smack my mother in the face via song. I don’t want my music to hurt anyone, but Darlene has fighting gloves, armor and a helmet she wears around my mother. Darlene is a force. Darlene is fierce. Darlene is both scared and strong.
Becky Miller said to me once, “You are not responsible for how someone else reacts to your truth. You are only responsible for being honest about who you are.” I can’t control how my mother reacts to this. I am nervous she’ll hate it. I am scared she’ll sue me for non-support. I’m afraid she’ll deny it and make me out to be the bad guy.
Tonight, for the first time, I read the lyrics to Darlene to my grandmother. I could barely get through the song, reading it more like a poem. I was choking up and holding back tears to be able to pronounce the words clearly enough so she could understand what I was saying. At the end (I was grateful I made it through), she was quiet. I had no idea what she was going to say. I asked her, “You there?” and she answered, “Yes, I’m here. That brought on a few tears. Your Paw Paw’s going to like that.”
So here I am, back to wondering if I should accept the money and give her a record, if I should accept the money and not give her a record, or if I should just reject the whole idea. The brave little one inside of me is afraid that her mother will judge her and hate her even more. You see, in May of 2002, she called me from jail. She’d been arrested for not taking care of her children (I will spare you the details.). She used her one phone call to tell me that I ruined her life. Over the years, she’d called me stupid, lied over and over again, and very nonchalantly said to me when I was seven, “If it happens again, honey, let me know.” after I told her I’d been molested by her boyfriend’s son. Of course, it happened again, and again, and again.
I don’t think about these things every day, consciously. However, they color my existence and make me the sparkly person you know today. I was polished through those moments to become Anita Lorraine, named after both my grandmothers and now have chosen to take my grandfather’s last name, Moore. Anita Lorraine Moore.
It may take some time to come to a decision on this. I hope I make a decision that makes the world a better place for us all. This album is the crux of my inspiration. Some of my music is happy. Some is contemplative. Some is magical. Some is angry. Some is broken-hearted. Darlene, however, is revolutionary and bold. She is a phoenix.
If you want to share or talk about anything, please send me an email, my door is open: anitalorrainemusic@gmail.com
Please consider donating to my album, 5% of all donations go to RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) is the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization. RAINN created and operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline (800.656.HOPE) in partnership with more than 1,000 local sexual assault service providers across the country.)
Thank you ALL for your support of this music, it means the world to me.
$40 = 1 hour in the studio ~ $5 = gas back and forth to the studio! It all helps.
LOVE,
ALM
Singing in the studio
My Baritone Uke from Phil Cheney, painted by Robert Frito Seven
Welcome everyone! I took a Thanksgiving week hiatus from writing and today I’ve returned with some wonderful experiences that had nothing to do with shopping or Black Friday!
Dedication: Mister Rogers, one of my two most-important people (alongside Dr. Maya Angelou), is the subject of my admiration today. All too often we hear statements like, “Kids these days, the don’t know how good they have it.” Or “If you’d only just ____(insert someone else’s desired action here)____, then you’d be better off.” Well, Mister Rogers did not subscribe to those kinds of perspectives. He was an integral part of my childhood. Something I realized today, is whenever someone shows me nurturing and care, I get emotional. I become so emotional sometimes, that I cry – even if it’s only on the inside. When someone shows genuine care and wants nothing from me but my wellbeing, it affects me in ways that are unexplainable. I would like to thank Mister Rogers for inspiring vulnerability in children. When I can remember, I work on it. Vulnerability and trust of others are core tenants to happiness, I do believe. Even though I struggle greatly with both at times, I can think of Mister Rogers’ and do my best.
The new movie about him with Tom Hanks is exceptional. Go see it.
Dear Humans, The candles on the table are burning down, exposing the light behind the Virgenes de Guadalupe (that’s right, there are two on my table.). It takes time to let the light shine sometimes. Today, the light shone through the trees onto my favorite rock. Around here, Bruce calls it the “magic rock”. It’s lovely to sit on it and read as you listen to the stream bubbling across the rocks. The elm drops her leaves all around so it’s covered in yellow at this time of year. I was inspired to go and sit there today to do my weekly song series video. Here’s the link to that: Tuesday Song Series w/Anita Lorraine!
This week, I am headed back into the studio to re-record the Changin’ Time Blues. The original recording didn’t leave room for a solo and Bruce has such a sweet solo in that song, I didn’t want to leave it out. Also, the other tracks can’t be recorded until that happens.
It’s coming up on the end of the semester with my two “real” jobs with Democracy Matters and teaching at Alamance Community College. It’s been hectic juggling the schedules as I do not have a very clear handle on time and space. The creativity running through me doesn’t understand clocks and deadlines… I am very much looking forward to the several weeks off. I hope to get into the studio more and to finish the recording sessions by mid-January when I go back to teaching and Democracy Matters starts back from Winter break.
Thanksgiving was wonderful. I enjoyed seeing my sister and her family. They came down from Greenville and we all went to eat buffet lunch in Burlington. Maw Maw and Paw Paw prefer to eat out for this holiday. Fine with me. As long as there is cranberry sauce and stuffing, I’m good. Truly, Thanksgiving is a mixed bag for me, along with a bunch of other holidays. The history of this country is steeped in genocide and praise of greedy murderers and thieves… Thanksgiving and its next door neighbor Black Friday are bedfellows for sure. Many families now choose to, however, focus on their gratitude and make the best of an otherwise jaded history. My classes are learning about those jaded histories and I am proud to be teaching them the real histories of this country. We have to start somewhere. …not all is bad though, I have two families I get to enjoy on Thanksgiving and the Alexanders’ house was amazing. Filled to the BRIMM it was. My (spirit adopted) brother Skip, I have mentioned him here before, came from the Alexander family. It’s sacred to me to be welcomed into their house to break bread. I am grateful for them in my life.
After the festivities, while boycotting Black Friday, I take my nieces and nephews out on the town and we play all day until we’re all so tired we could take naps literally anywhere. I love them. The oldest two are 16 and the youngest are 8 and 3. They are the most wonderful kids. They are sweet, giving, fun, smart, and thoughtful. They are all creative and playful. I’m partial of course. 😉 It was a blast getting to spend all day with them. In fact, that whole day and night was spectacular. I didn’t buy one Xmas gift!
Love to all of you; I hope my political drudgery doesn’t bum you out. I am simply not okay with being silent about how I feel and what I think anymore. So! Love on your heads. Be thankful for what you have and know where it all came from. Xoxo
I will always protect you Anita. I will look out for your best interests and remove you from harmful, hurtful situations. I will never allow anyone to abuse you in any way. I will do my best to recognize quickly if that is happening. I will always validate your feelings. They are legitimate and worthy of consideration, even when everyone else chooses to ignore them or forgets them altogether. I will ask you how you feel and what you think about any given situation, but especially hard situations. I will give you time to consider them and space to come to your conclusions without pressure. I’ll give you all the time you need to pray, journal, and seek answers. When you have found them, I will honor them and be proud of you for the work you’ve done of searching your own soul for your own truth. I will light a candle for your resilience and support you in your decisions and love you unconditionally. I will understand that you are doing your best and that your best will not look the same in all situations.
Lastly, I will remember that it is OK if you change your mind and be open to learning what caused you to do so. You deserve all these things, as does everyone else. However, I will always remember only *I* can provide *YOU* with these things, no one else. I cannot provide for everyone and I am only obligated to you to act in your best interests. Your well-being and safety must come first. I will always believe you, trust. I will always take nurturing care of you.
You deserve love and a safe home to which you can return at any time, I will give that to you. Especially at Christmas, if you need to return home, I will take you home.
Dedication: The Preacher Keith who surprised me with a musical instrument today at the coffee shop. Tears were brought to my eyes when he brought it out. He said to me, “You will do with this guitar what I cannot and will not. I want you to have it. I love your music, it is music ministry.” What a sweet man. Thanks dude. You rocked my day. Here’s a description of the new little baby, I named her “Preach” – “‘Cordoba Mini R’ features a solid spruce top paired with rosewood back and sides for a deep, full tone.” It sure sounds lovely. I played a few tunes with it today and learned the Gm chord almost immediately. I find that all my instruments have a chord they came with. My Mexican guitar came with A#m7 as her chord. The Ibanez was E. Straight up E.
Song: Precious Memories as sung by the infamous Jim Reeves. In his memory, this was written, “If I, a lowly singer, dry one tear, or soothe one humble human heart in pain, then my homely verse to God is dear, and not one stanza has been sung in vain.” Written by Linnea Crowther – I sang this song tonight on Facebook if’n ya wanna hear it. My Aunt Helen requested that this song be sung at her funeral. I sang it with tears in my eyes. She was 96 when she passed last year. Hard to believe.
Dear Humans, Autumn is sharing her bounty with us in color and for me in creativity! The album is coming along nicely. Some of the songs sound so beautiful, way more beautiful than I could have imagined. There is only one more left for me to record and we’ll be heading into a stairwell for that recording. Lo-fi effects in the house! I’m scheduling and rehearsing with the accompanying musicians who will soon be making the magic up in the studio. Drums, bass, mandolin, piano, guitar and maybe a few more surprises. Those souls who are helping me are doing sacred work for this project. I can’t wait to share our magic with you! If you’d like to donate to the studio costs, you may do so here for the album fundraiser! Thank you! Every bit counts! (You can also read about how I got here if you’re interested on the GoFundMe page as well.) We have almost reached our goal! Together you’ve helped to raise $4170 out of $5200! #SurrenderingToTheSacred
Tuesdays have been fun each week sharing songs with you all. I had no idea it would continue after the initial songs on the album were played, but it felt right to continue!
Last week, Crystal Bright and I played at a restaurant in Greensboro called “Lucky 32”. The crowd was lovely. Thank you to our dear Family who came in support of our music. Here is the link to our duo portion of the show (forgive the poor camera skills *shrugs shoulders* What can I say, I do my best…)
Love to everyone, bundle up and don’t just tell your people you love them, SHOW them!
ALM
This week in pictures:
Celebrating my first nametag with my new name! Anita Moore in the house!
anita lorraine moore 