Through writing in my journal this morning, I began contemplating. It seems that many people are struggling to “work your purpose” (this is a concept I’m incorporating into my upcoming online course or whatever it will turn out to be, called “Resilience Apothecary”). Perhaps my first task is to take an inventory of accomplishments upon which to stand for a while and be grateful. Listing meaningful things I have done recently, but especially those which will elevate me to a precipice from which I need to start. Somewhere to begin in order to make the necessary changes and pursue the goals I want to achieve. I am imagining standing on the edge of a cliff determining the steps I must take to get to the other side, but I must effectively evaluate the steps I took to get to the edge of that cliff.
Here are my intentions for 2020 (in no particular order):
- Holding space for continued vulnerability and openness
- Maintaining self-healing/awareness path via therapy, al-anon, etc
- Giving my body the care, compassion, dedication and love it needs
- Traveling on short trips to see friends I do not get to see often
- Finishing and celebrating #SurrenderingToTheSacred – this album will be a birthing and I look forward to holding that baby
- Saving money for my tiny home
- Publishing my original poetry and art book
- Submitting my poetry to several places for other publishers
- Pay off my credit card debt
- Play music in venues which speak to my heart and with musicians whom I love
- Honor my magic with dedication and focus
- Tune in clearly about my career and embody the courage to leave behind what isn’t serving me and representative of my higher purpose
Here were my steps to this beautiful cliff:
- The embarkation of self-care and awareness work I started back in December of 2017.
- After Ransom passed away in 2008, dedicating myself to writing songs and making music. Taking on John Saylor’s open mic challenges to write original songs and play them for people.
- As of 2019, finding, amidst many physical and emotional demands, the existence of a higher power with unconditional love. I have wanted this all my life, since I was seven years old. There is Something in which I now believe who will never leave, disappear, or demand repayment lest their love be taken away. What a blessing.
- My body and I are building a new relationship of understanding and power. I have begun to see my body as sacred and deserving of care – last year I prioritized my ankle surgery and healing (over 12 weeks of healing plus rehab/physical therapy), researching with doctors my allergies and GI issues, changing my long-time relationship with tobacco and alcohol dependencies, giving myself time to rest and play with intention, and giving my body food and nourishment in the form of both physical activities I love and nutrients/proper diet for my personal needs.
- I completed my first year of teaching and wasn’t fired. LOL
- Miraculously, I am using my schooling, all of it, in appropriate and useful ways via Democracy Matters and teaching Critical Thinking at Alamance Community College. Whodathunkit?
- Around May of 2018, I quit waiting tables and forced myself (with the help of countless supporters, financial and otherwise) to focus on creating this album. I have been prioritizing creativity and music by working on and creating my record. Putting creativity in the forefront of my existence also helps with my mental health and thereby creates another healthy cycle.
- Lastly, I believe I have truly opened myself to being vulnerable. I have taken risks by establishing boundaries and expressing my true self. I have made tremendous steps in assertiveness and peacemaking within me and with others, including my grandparents (big deal y’all). Forgiveness and appropriate understanding of the differing capacities of humans to show up… that has been an enormous learning experience so far. I have ended certain unhealthy relationships and started new ones even though I knew I could get hurt and possibly hurt others. I recently began opening to a new romantic relationship and one that is NOT long-distance. I feel old things cropping up like the fear of the rug being pulled out from underneath me and looking stupid when something goes wrong and he decides to ___insert terrible thing here____. Who knows what will happen. I don’t… and today I am happy. Vulnerability of living for today in so many ways. Who knew?
- I have taken responsibility for myself. Childhood sexual abuse and certainty of abandonment created a sense of need in me to look to others for security and to relish in being the victim unknowingly. I know better now and now, I am “doing better”.
It feels good to start here. Currently, I am working the 4th of the 12 steps, Al-Anon program. It’s the “fearless moral inventory”. My Sponsor and I are working through my strengths right now. Soon we will begin dealing with my compulsive behaviors and faults, the “default” behaviors, the defects as some may say. It was at first hard to know and express without doubt and guilt my good stuff. It may be hard, due to ego and defense mechanisms, to express the “bad” stuff too. All in all, however, it is all good stuff because it brought me to now. The lessons are learned because of all of it.
All I know right now, is that I am taken care of. I am privileged and grateful. I am living for today and feel that 2020 will be a big year of strength, love, and change. Like I have said before and had to write it down, “Choice is all we get and change is all that’s real.”