TuesDayNewsDay Vol 2 Issue 5 Feb 19-20, 2019

TuesDayNewsDay Vol 2 Issue 5 Feb 19-20, 2019

Quote: “What’s the daily prescribed dose of happiness?” – Bruce Horvath, my dear friend and lovely, talented guitar player

Song: “His Eye is On The Sparrow” – Mahalia Jackson – This song makes me shiver and quake, all the reasons why I sing. “…because I’m happy. I sing because I’m free. His eye is on the little ole sparrow… and I know He watches me.”

Her Grace, Mahalia Jackson

Hey Humans, Dear Humans,

Tonight, I write to you having had a very long day and realized some important things in therapy today. Have you ever thought about your limiting beliefs and belief systems? I have begun to realize that these beliefs and systems systematically keep me from being successful. I mean successful in the broadest sense. Accomplishing my goals, following through with personal projects, making progress toward fulfillment via changing of habitual response to stimuli. I’m going to share with you some thoughts tonight that are very personal, admittedly vulnerable. The wonderful thing about that little troll/angel who speaks these statements inside my head is that she is shining light upon what I need to see to move and grow. Therapy today placed this task ahead of me, and what an appropriate day… The Moon in Virgo, opposition the Sun in Pisces. Naimanu James, one of my favorite astrologers suggested some tarot readings with certain questions and the two which spoke to me were, “What is floating up to the surface for me to tend to this full moon? Where in my life do I need to get more consistent in my cleansing and clearing practices?” My answers as of right now? What’s floated up in here? Realization and awareness of my own limiting beliefs! Where do I need more consistency in cleansing and clearing? Spiritual trust and guidance to release these limiting thoughts. I worked tonight to identify some ideas which bring me joy.

* Finishing my album and holding it in my hand – the actual vinyl record and sleeve!

* Performing my music with a band touring around at music-listening venues!

*Celebrating the end of the day with joy, pride and gratitude for having done a good job that day.

* Waking up in the morning excited about what I get to do that day.

* Sharing my life with someone who is encouraging, supportive, driven, funny, playful, considerate, passionate, talented, honest, open, communicative, justice-minded, fair, feminist, hard-working, dedicated, focused, organized, sexually fulfilling, thoughtful, healthy, sober, assertive, gentle, non-smoker, shares my love of music, non-snorer, independent, critical thinker, creative, cultured, spiritual, emotionally mature, self-aware, honors wildness, has impeccable follow-through, punctuality, good grammar, outdoor skills/knowledge, strong, sensitive, can sing/harmonize with me, magical!

(Why am I so afraid to put this out here? Afraid I’ll be judged by all the things I want in a person, an unfair list of qualities? Afraid I’ll never find this person? Afraid that I don’t live up to all of these ideals myself? Of course these are the reasons why I am afraid to share with the world my desires for a mate. Fear dictates what I am willing to share, so here goes. I’m doing it anyway in spite of my fears.)

So after making this list of ideas which bring me joy, I decided to start with the first one and list out my limiting beliefs about that idea. I am ASTOUNDED as I look at the PAGE – it is FULL. Also, there are tons of beliefs I am sure that I didn’t even think of which exist in my heart and brain that limit me and my success… Here are what I came up with just on one page:

What are my limiting beliefs about the idea of finishing my album and holding it in my hand – the actual record and sleeve? (Get ready.)

  • I can’t afford it right now.
  • If I don’t meet my deadline of June 26th, I’ll have failed everyone who donated money last year to start this project.
  • My music isn’t good enough and I don’t deserve to succeed at music.
  • Music isn’t important work (compared to social justice work or running for office and “making an impact”).
  • I’m not pretty enough to be famous/well known.
  • My guitar skills are totally mediocre and no one wants to play with me because I’m no good.
  • My songs, no one wants to hear them because they’re too emotional, simple, repetitive, basic, boring, shitty… I play them different every time.
  • My message of survival will be drowned out and no one will hear me or what I want them to hear.
  • I won’t inspire anyone.
  • People would rather me play with my more talented friends than me alone.
  • I don’t have what it takes to record an album.
  • I’m not talented enough to record in a studio.
  • I’ll just be wasting my time.
  • I’ll feel ashamed I was only half-assed.
  • I could have been a better musician, but my lack of resources/money/support as a child taught me that I wasn’t important enough to pursue such lofty goals.
  • Even hard work doesn’t get poor people to success because the system is against them.

Wow. Just Wow. That’s not all, I could write for days the things that run through my mind… The blessing now is, I’m beginning to recognize these limiting beliefs and see them as such instead of TRUTH. I get to symbolically take that idea, place it in my hand, examine it and determine “Is this true?” “What information do I have to prove to the contrary?” “Would I tell my best friend any of this while she is pursuing her dreams?” “Why am I talking to myself this way?” THEN I get to answer those questions, transform those thoughts into learning opportunities, and move forward toward reaching my dream of making an album and touring with a band, and singing my music.

So there – some heavy, scary stuff I have shared here today, but it feels good to own it, even embarrassing. The good part about this is that I’m acknowledging that this is a process of learning. I was told today that once I get better at doing this work for myself of evaluating truth from limiting belief, I’ll be an even better musician.

So happy birthday to me, I am now officially 36 years old and this TuesDayNewsDay is coming out on a Wednesday. ❤

I drew the ace of cups (The Wild Unknown Tarot Deck) – how appropriate: (from Carrie Mallon a tarot reader I respect and love to read) The Ace of Cups can signify the onset of feeling-based experiences. This card can remind you to open your heart, to allow your emotional energy to move freely. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you are feeling without labeling it as ‘good’ or ‘bad.’ This card often appears when we need to proceed with compassion and respect the signals our feelings are giving us.

Happy Pisces season to everyone, enjoy the emotions and flow. I am so far. 😉

Upcoming shows: on temporary hold for now until after I get this MRI for my ankle and go to an opthemologist about these eye spasms I’ve been having. I’m working on confirming and planning house concerts over the next two weeks then it’ll be Spring break and I’m going to Muscle Shoals, Alabama to see a good old friend and learn about one of the most famous music recording studios in the history of American music.

#LivingQueryOfTheWeek – Identify a goal/dream for yourself that inspires joy for you. What can you do to make it happen?

This week in pictures:

Pete and I on our way to play a Valentines show in Star, NC. He’s driving his new car, Baby Angel, she wants to drive, I want to stop and take a photo of us in his new car. ❤Protesting this week inBurlington at Senator Rick Gunn’s office Giving a press conference about why we need to expand Medicaid in NC.Crocuses all confused and blooming at Pete’s house. Dinner I made for my new roommate. Reverence farms made the meatloaf… so good. Full of SAGE!

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