Loving this process: This post is about what I plan to do with it.
As I was speaking yesterday with a dear friend, I began to realize just how much Ive have learned since just under a year ago. I now have theories based on what I have learned and I’m thinking seriously about writing a book. This book will encompass many things, and more yet to come that I am unaware of. Instincts, survival mechanisms, learned tendencies, defective vs. default behavior, other theorists’ theories, my own lived experiences and stories I have heard in the context of a much more (thankfully) heightened awareness in our country about racism, rape/sexual abuse culture, and massive inequality across all spectrums. I’ve also been in touch with the Cosmos and Spirit, my own inner voice, how hear her, learn from her and also to listen to her even when I don’t want to.
I am not complete in the information I want to include in this book, but I am going to start nonetheless, listing all the things I’ve learned at this point . The most influential have been from Melody Beattie – Author of Codependent No More, Ross Rosenberg – Self-Love Deficit Disorder vs. Codependency, Francine Shapiro – EMDR founder, Luiz Diaz – Cellular Memory Release , this quote from Yogi Bhajan quote, and Al-Anon (If you haven’t heard about this, it is a group that you can find near you in just about anywhere USA, for friends and family of alcoholics. This group also applies to people who grew up with mental illness, broken homes, traumatic childhoods, abuse/abandonment experiences, and addictions in general (drugs/alcohol/other addictions of family members/loved ones). It really does apply in SO many situations. I have heard some criticism of the group, but it works for me and makes me feel sane, strong, and feel that I am a worthwhile person. There are also so many friends and influences who have said things I carry with me. Mister Rogers, Maya Angelou, Zora Neale Hurston, Greg Brown, Joni Mitchell, Howard Zinn… so many amazing influences.
There are many more resources I’m sure I’ll think of as time passes; I’m just getting started in this whole idea so right now. I’m gathering them all in my mind, writing them down and making note of everything that comes to mind that has helped me along the way. There are tons of self-help books and auto-biographies, music albums and tiny magazines, personal testimonies and blogs out there to give advice and help people to see their world differently. This is not my goal. My goal is to share what helped me because I feel so privileged to have been given access somehow to all this information and I wouldn’t have known about any of it had I not started going to therapy in a serious way last year. I want to share it cause it aught to be common knowledge, available to the public, and proliferated as optional learning for those who struggle.
We are products of every moment which came before. All the experiences, the difficult and the easy, the majestic and the mundane, the painful and the joyful, they are all integral parts of who we are right now. I am learning to embrace them all, without judgement and LORD THAT’S HARD. All I know is that I want to get better and better, to learn and embody crafts that suit me. Music suits me. Story-telling suits me. Art suits me. One-on-one intimate conversation suits me. Organizing and political activism/advocacy suits me, in manageable doses. Creativity is a strong suit of mine, and I am passionate about what fuels me – learning to release the shame I’ve felt about literally everything. I’m not exaggerating. Everything, there was always a shame-laden blanket in every movement, decision, thought process, and a strong lack of self-awareness. I’m happier than I have ever been, but through the vortex of confusion and humility I had to go – (“can’t go under it, can’t go around it… *childhood story rhymes*).
Those of you who have shared your painful experiences with me, your unending support, your shock about my personal stories coming out in the wash – thank you so much. Especially those of you who came to me with your stories of rape, abuse, neglect, and struggle. Many of you had never spoken to anyone about your stories. I am honored to have inspired you to tell someone. We need more speaking; Justice can be a very big word. We have to START somewhere. Telling someone can be the first step, or it can be the only step. For me, sharing about the 6 times I’ve been abused sexually and the persistent motherly abandonment opened up this pathway and once you read this book you’ll find out the whole story – thanks 2016 election for pushing so many women to stand together in their painful experiences creating a whole combustion of truth to come forth in layer after layer of exposure. Justice is coming. In some ways it has come because isn’t awareness the first step in any movement?
To my dear friends who are on this journey with me, I honor you and keep my door open. My priorities lie in taking care of myself, choosing to maintain my new-found boundaries, and listening to that ever-present voice/feeling inside me and the things I notice about my “natural” inclinations to think/feel certain things and my GOAL to re-train my brain, heart, body, and spirit to habitually respond in more healthy, joyful, and curiousity-driven ways. In and through this goal process, my motivation is to embody love and the positive vision of myself, share (with tact and moderate reserve) the toolbox I’ve learned to keep handy, and from where all this stuff came. I want love. I want trust. I want a safe, steady, loving, healthy partnership. I’m not rushing to find this, I’m only just becoming available to myself right now, much less another human. All in due time – I am learning to make decisions from a place of abundance vs. fear and beginning to pay more attention to that millisecond-long moment of decision motivation to simply notice it. It comes and goes, some days are easier than others. However the most important learning I’ve been blessed with is “choice”. I get to choose how I see things, how I feel, how (and if!) I react or respond to things… what a blessing to which I never knew I had a right.
Thanks for reading this diatribe… It’s a basic lengthy way to say this: I’m going to write a book. It’s going to be about my journey and learnings. I’m writing it for me, and I hope you get something out of it. xoxo
Anita Lorraine Moore – Happy Autumn.