I played at Flat Street in Brattleboro last night. Tom Woodbury hooked it up with the sound, even sang a few songs with me in the end which was really fun. I wish we could play songs together all the time. That would be super groovy.
I’ve been going over and over again why I get so nervous and what I can do about it. My songs are good and my guitar/uke playing isn’t that bad, I just get a giant self-critic that’s larger than me saying all kinds of things in my ear… “you don’t practice enough, you don’t deserve to be up here, you’re not good enough to play that song, no one’s really listening, why are you doing this?” Oh how I do hate that not-so-little voice.
However, when I have nights like last night, where there’s a group of people who love me like I deserved to be loved, it changes that voice and quietens her down a little. I had a corner of strength and smiles (and wine and gingerale and a full moon to help). This is the kind of group that you want to carry in your pocket all the time, just to remind you that you are loved. Who cares if I screw up a song? They laugh, I laugh, we move on. That’s they way it should be.
I”m not only saying thank you via this journal. I’ve told them each how awesome they are and how thankful I am to have them in my life. (Even if it does happen to be a dreadful 13 hours away…)
So I’m learning to critique, not be a critic. I’m hard on myself for everything already. I’ve got to get real. I LOVE to sing and play. I LOVE little things like meandering streams and peas in my soup. I LOVE the way I feel when I see a couple in love. I LOVE listening to thunder. I LOVE inspiring my students. I LOVE passion to the point of explosion. I LOVE sleeping and then waking up again. I also love that there are only a certain number of hours in the day, gives me another day to be grateful and remind myself of it, so that I can appreciate my art and work, versus kicking myself for not being good enough (capitalism: false, imposed sense of hurriedness and productivity for profit by exploitation of human beings and the planet
… dangit). So thanks you guys, thanks Family, thanks Earth, thanks Universe. Remind me not to be afraid to be awesome more often.