anitalorrainemoore

Musician devoted to Justice, Creativity, and Courage


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Foundations… 2020

Through writing in my journal this morning, I began contemplating. It seems that many people are struggling to “work your purpose” (this is a concept I’m incorporating into my upcoming online course or whatever it will turn out to be, called “Resilience Apothecary”).  Perhaps my first task is to take an inventory of accomplishments upon which to stand for a while and be grateful.  Listing meaningful things I have done recently, but especially those which will elevate me to a precipice from which I need to start.  Somewhere to begin in order to make the necessary changes and pursue the goals I want to achieve.  I am imagining standing on the edge of a cliff determining the steps I must take to get to the other side, but I must effectively evaluate the steps I took to get to the edge of that cliff.

The Fool - Baby Duck

The Fool, from my favorite Tarot deck, The Wild Unknown by Kim Krans, the baby duck takes their first step from the branch of safety.

Here are my intentions for 2020 (in no particular order):

  • Holding space for continued vulnerability and openness
  • Maintaining self-healing/awareness path via therapy, al-anon, etc
  • Giving my body the care, compassion, dedication and love it needs
  • Traveling on short trips to see friends I do not get to see often
  • Finishing and celebrating #SurrenderingToTheSacred – this album will be a birthing and I look forward to holding that baby
  • Saving money for my tiny home
  • Publishing my original poetry and art book
  • Submitting my poetry to several places for other publishers
  • Pay off my credit card debt
  • Play music in venues which speak to my heart and with musicians whom I love
  • Honor my magic with dedication and focus
  • Tune in clearly about my career and embody the courage to leave behind what isn’t serving me and representative of my higher purpose

Here were my steps to this beautiful cliff:

  • The embarkation of self-care and awareness work I started back in December of 2017.
  • After Ransom passed away in 2008, dedicating myself to writing songs and making music.  Taking on John Saylor’s open mic challenges to write original songs and play them for people.
  • As of 2019, finding, amidst many physical and emotional demands, the existence of a higher power with unconditional love.  I have wanted this all my life, since I was seven years old.  There is Something in which I now believe who will never leave, disappear, or demand repayment lest their love be taken away.  What a blessing.
  • My body and I are building a new relationship of understanding and power.  I have begun to see my body as sacred and deserving of care – last year I prioritized my ankle surgery and healing (over 12 weeks of healing plus rehab/physical therapy), researching with doctors my allergies and GI issues, changing my long-time relationship with tobacco and alcohol dependencies, giving myself time to rest and play with intention, and giving my body food and nourishment in the form of both physical activities I love and nutrients/proper diet for my personal needs.
  • I completed my first year of teaching and wasn’t fired. LOL
  • Miraculously, I am using my schooling, all of it, in appropriate and useful ways via Democracy Matters and teaching Critical Thinking at Alamance Community College. Whodathunkit?
  • Around May of 2018, I quit waiting tables and forced myself (with the help of countless supporters, financial and otherwise) to focus on creating this album.  I have been prioritizing creativity and music by working on and creating my record.  Putting creativity in the forefront of my existence also helps with my mental health and thereby creates another healthy cycle.
  • Lastly, I believe I have truly opened myself to being vulnerable.  I have taken risks by establishing boundaries and expressing my true self.  I have made tremendous steps in assertiveness and peacemaking within me and with others, including my grandparents (big deal y’all).  Forgiveness and appropriate understanding of the differing capacities of humans to show up… that has been an enormous learning experience so far.  I have ended certain unhealthy relationships and started new ones even though I knew I could get hurt and possibly hurt others.  I recently began opening to a new romantic relationship and one that is NOT long-distance.  I feel old things cropping up like the fear of the rug being pulled out from underneath me and looking stupid when something goes wrong and he decides to ___insert terrible thing here____.  Who knows what will happen.  I don’t… and today I am happy.  Vulnerability of living for today in so many ways.  Who knew?
  • I have taken responsibility for myself.  Childhood sexual abuse and certainty of abandonment created a sense of need in me to look to others for security and to relish in being the victim unknowingly.  I know better now and now, I am “doing better”.

Maya quote

 

It feels good to start here.  Currently, I am working the 4th of the 12 steps, Al-Anon program.  It’s the “fearless moral inventory”.  My Sponsor and I are working through my strengths right now.  Soon we will begin dealing with my compulsive behaviors and faults, the “default” behaviors, the defects as some may say.  It was at first hard to know and express without doubt and guilt my good stuff.  It may be hard, due to ego and defense mechanisms, to express the “bad” stuff too.  All in all, however, it is all good stuff because it brought me to now.  The lessons are learned because of all of it.

All I know right now, is that I am taken care of.  I am privileged and grateful. I am living for today and feel that 2020 will be a big year of strength, love, and change.  Like I have said before and had to write it down, “Choice is all we get and change is all that’s real.”

Sincerely,

ALM

 

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TuesDay NewsDay Vol. 3, Issue 1 – January 14th, 2020

The room is filled with restaurant sounds; the cutlery is clicking on plates and bowls. Autumn Leaves is coming from the trombone, piano, upright bass and drums. How lovely.

Dedication: Today is dedicated not to a person, but to the priceless concept of forgiveness. Without it, we remain cold and buried in our own asses. With it, we become softer and compassionate toward and acknowledging of others’ simultaneous struggles in this world. Thank you forgiveness. Thank you to those of us who forgive easily. Thank you to those of us who know we need to work on it. …and bless you to those of us who struggle with forgiveness.

Quote: “Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” Mark Twain

Song: This song reminds me of riding in the backseat of my grandparents’ car on one of our thousands of Sunday drives, as we meandered in and around rural North Carolina, listening to classic country music, the “Country Gold” cassette tape set.

I Love by Tom T. Hall

Dear Humans:

It has been a few weeks since an official newsletter and if you watch my weekly video series, you can find out why. So much has happened since the end of 2019! It was a roller-coaster of a year! As I was answering a journal prompt about last year during my morning writing, it became clear that 2019 was packed with physical, emotional, intellectual challenges and feats. I had major ankle surgery and was laid up in bed for 12 weeks. My new job teaching started in January last year, the whole year of creating curriculum and learning how to teach adults in real life was demanding and in all honesty, I didn’t enjoy it. (Thankfully this year, I feel a bit different and am excited about the prospect of continuing. That surprised me.) Many things were left behind: some relationships, my lack of boundaries and fear of others’ judgments. Surely, the latter two of the three aforementioned castaways will crop up from time to time in cyclical lessons, yes. However, each time growth will emerge and lessons will help to create a better human up in here. We learned why my digestive system was torn apart for years (of course stress will hurt anyone’s stomach) – I’m allergic to beef and beef products, gluten and other hooved animals! We also learned that I have an insane amount of allergies! WTF?! Glad to know more about myself now, so I can take care. I plan to heal and end the allergies and grow back the cartilage which was damaged in my ankle surgery; I know these things can be done.

A part of my childhood was left behind as well. The child within who operated out of fear and scarcity has become known to me. I have a serious desire to feel security and my motivations in attempt to obtain that security were unmasked. I no longer feel the need to look to others (my grandparents specifically) to provide the shelter and protection, something I desperately once needed and am eternally grateful. Adios 2019! Enter stage left and right the new decade with a new abode, new music, new understandings, and new relationships (with others and with myself.).

The album is trudging along. It is a struggle to make time when I am working two jobs. Rest assured, it will be finished sometime soon! I was thinking by the end of January… but I truly don’t know right now. Still aiming for late June for the party. If it happens, wonderful. If it doesn’t, that’ll be fine too.

happy new year y’all, may you find peace and for those under fire, you are in my prayers

Upcoming Shows: Sunday, High Point 2pm-5pm https://facebook.com/events/s/eliqqn-ii-portraits-of-gavin-g/2306691406283389/?ti=icl

Next week, Friday, January 24th – I’ll be playing with Tim Smith at Special Treats on Weaver Dairy Rd in Carrboro! 6-10pm! Come out and get some candy! Ear candy too!

Lately in pictures:


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I’m late! TuesDayNewsDay on Wednesday!

Sup everybody? At this moment, the television in this sushi restaurant is playing sports and it’s all I can hear. My brain feels a bit frazzled honestly. Today I began my teaching semester and, since the holiday season began and ended, life has thrown some radical changes – no judgement of bad or good, however. These changes are necessary and welcome as much as they were surprising and challenging.

Dedication: Today, I dedicate this newsletter to my students. I teach at a community college and my students are adults ranging from 17-65 years old. They are from diverse backgrounds and work hard for the education they’re receiving (mostly). Back in 2002, I started attending ACC and worked 2 jobs while taking care of my grandparents. It took me 4 years to graduate with my associates (a 2-year degree) and then transferred to Appalachian. I respect these students and their experiences because I’ve been there. Teaching critical thinking to humans from Alamance County is a feat I couldn’t have imagined getting into – but it is sacred work, as much as I may bitch about the tedious “process” of working in a public education. I found myself looking forward to teaching today for the first time since I began last year. I blasted Lizzo on the radio about being my own Soulmate and taught two fabulous classes filled with students who seem to give a damn. Nothing could be a better gift. I’m real with them, present them with difficult, thought-provoking material, and honor their opinions while challenging them with the task of examining from where those opinions originated. Rock star status.

Song: Soulmate by Lizzo – that’s the song of the day. If you don’t know Lizzo, here ya go. You’re welcome. Soulmate by Lizzo Interview with Lizzo on The Daily Show with Trevor Noah, my biggest celebrity crush. Daily Show Lizzo Interview I am in love with Lizzo’s amazing messages – they are transformational and challenging patriarchy at EVERY TURN. *yes, please*

Quote: “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” – Dr. Maya Angelou *application yall*

Dear humans, TONIGHT special airing solo show on facebook live show hosted by Neville’s Quarter! Lex and Brian are hosting and I’m their grateful guest! Look up Neville’s Quarter on Facebook to see the live show tonight at 6!

More shows to come yall! So much love! Tune in tonight~!


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Storytime Poetry for Stangers, Past-Future Lovers, and More

Since inception, my Familiar

came into my life

like a smoky mirror.

Reached out, listening

Onward, sharing,

lamenting heavy strife.

 

At first in the mountains, the Rockies

Arms outstretched

across a thousand miles

now here, ever closer

Healing, moving, all smiles

 

Suddenly fell down

Rushing with might – urgency

The river cast aside

It rained that night

I was allowed inside

There was no Escape

No way to leave

No flight,

I chose.

I did not flee

 

This story, a synopsis

Of less than 2 Gregorian weeks

Running, driving, stammering, broken,

Unwilling to dive fully into the deep

 

At this moment, legs crossed, candles lit

river banks and seagulls meet where I sit

 

At the perfect moment when the Old and New approve

rain and music may surrender

art may escape

it may be loving and tender

Lips embracing

like fog and morning dew

 

Many reasons do we love

Many faces, no regrets

flames ever brighter

Honest, like when they first met

 

In the ether, in the shadow

Opening in rainy, dark nights

In the places where wild ferns grow

On the wavelengths of improvisation

Perchance we shall be fairies and sprites

We will laugh, we will glow

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TuesDay NewsDay Vol. 2, Issue 21 – December 17th, 2019

Today is filled with raindrops and warmth. Yesterday I found a journal from days of yore, September 9th, 2011. It reads:

Washington, DC – Hyatt Hotel – Money in Politics Conference at the offices of Public Campaign

What a day. I’ve showered, redressed my burn wound, called friends for their birthdays, called Philly and Maw Maw for goodnight and now I hit the hay.

Rain and wind and the Potomac. Room with a view. Next: money in politics.

Start of a journey; it’s official. I’m ready to learn and find joy in all her hidden places.

Love Love Love,

Goodnight Hobbes,

Love,

Anita”

On some further pages, after hand-written driving directions to places around Boston and Asheville, I found a list (I used to make these all the time) of words to learn as I’m reading. I would actually get out a dictionary and look them up when I would get to where I was going, or when I arrived home if there was no dictionary at the place where I ended up. Here is the best list, plus a short, incognito grocery list.

Ignominious – 1. Marked by or attended with ignominy; discreditable; humiliating

Sordid – 1. morally ignoble or base; vile 2. Meanly selfish, self-seeking, or mercenary 3. Dirty or filthy 4. Squalid; wretchedly poor and run-down

Servile – 1. Slavishly submissive or obsequious; fawning 2. Characteristic of, proper to, or customary for slaves; abject 3. Yielding slavishly; truckling (usually followed by ‘to’)

Laborious – 1. Requiring much work, exertion, perseverance

Sanguine – 1. Cheerfully optimistic, hopeful, or confident 2. Reddish, ruddy (of bloody hue)

‘Exist in a vacuum” – ‘common: if something exists or happens in a vacuum, it seems to exist or happen separately from the things that you would expect it to be connected with. Property values do not exist in a vacuum… Such decisions do not occur in a political vacuum, but have serious political implications both at home and abroad.’

Scrupulous – 1. Having scruples, or moral or ethical standards; having or showing a strict regard for what one considers right; principled 2. Punctiliously or minutely careful, precise or exact…. what the fuck is punctiliously… Punctiliously – 1. Extremely attentive to punctilious; strict or exact in the observance of the formalities or amenities of conduct or actions ok WTF is Punctilios – 1. A fine point, particular, or detail, as of conduct, ceremony, or procedure

Reification – 1. To convert into or regard as a concrete thing

Ineffable – 1. incapable of being expressed or described in words; inexpressible 2. Not to be spoken because of its sacredness; unutterable

    • Pall malls
    • Cool whip

– challenge commonly advanced cultural explanations by establishing historical and material basis of ethnic patterns in…

Pariahs – 1. An outcast 2. Any person or animal that is generally despised or avoided 3. a member of a low caste in southern India and Burma

Concomitantly – 1. Existing or occurring with something else, often in a lesser way; accompanying; concurrent

Invidious – 1. Calculated to create ill will or resentment or give offense; hateful

Xenophobia – 1. Fear or hatred of foreigners, people from different cultures or strangers

If you notice, I was probably reading some heady shit. If you’ll also notice – it was of extreme importance that I get some Pall Malls and some Cool Whip. I laughed out loud here at the coffee shop in Saxapahaw and giggled for a few minutes following after reading that. I have NO IDEA who that would be for… for real.

Dedication: Today, TuesDayNewsDay is dedicated to my grandparents. They have agreed to allow me to stay with them for the umpteenth time as I pay off some debts and find a place of my own. Making this decision comes after months of worrying about how I was going to afford the album, paying rent, and finding a path of work which accurately employs my creativity and gifts in this world. I am humbled an honored by their presence in my life – they agreed to let me move in, contingent upon my cleaning out of the basement. I have to admit however, along with all the challenges we have in our opposing political views and their inherent bigotry toward people of color and homosexuality, they love me and I love them. They know that I love all people. They do not know that I have dated women, men, and trans humans. They do not know that I am attracted to all hues of humans and make no bones about it. Coming out to them would most definitely be a difficult transition – one that I am not ready to make as yet. “Sacred Spirit, let me get through this first.” I pray. I love them tremendously and I hope this temporary move will lead me to a place of strength and independence. I hope it will lead them to get to know me more on an honest level – so that I can be my true self with them. That would mean the world to me.

Song: Better Days, Eddie Vedder – so if you know me, then by now you know that I have a superb love for Eddie Vedder. When I first heard this song… maybe just under two years ago, I stopped whatever it was I was doing and started crying. I found this video for you which has the words. Sometimes I forget these things are real and it’s an honor and privilege when I remember that they now apply to me. They apply to you too. ❤

Dear Humans,

Today is a raining, warm December day. I’m sitting in my favorite little space in Saxapahaw just typing away, listening to the voices of all the local humans talking about all their things together. Deep voices, high, compassionate voices, phone calls, meetings, greetings, and musings. There will be no video today, you’ll see why shortly.

Today is my father’s birthday. I awoke thinking about him and the things he did in this world which caused me to estrange myself from him. Violent abuses he committed to me as a tiny girl and even more despicable things to others in my family later on… it’s hard to think about without getting angry. I am grateful for him though – my mother too – because without them I would not be who I am. I may not have become Anita Moore. So I’m glad. Glad I don’t have to see them, and glad I’m living a life untethered to those who cause pain. I’m glad I have choices and recognize them as the gifts they are, albeit difficult ones. Choices are sacred things gifted to us by the Source of Everything.

This week (today in fact), my grandparents are taking me to have an endoscopy. My reactions to food (hives, etc) without having any obvious allergy have caused concern and I want to get to the bottom of it. If I plan on continuing to live and do my best, I need to treat this body with utmost respect and love. Cheers! I’ll be out cold by 2:30 this afternoon.

Last week, my dear friend Jeff Moretz came down from Todd, NC to play some mandolin on the record! Having him here was beautiful and it was lovely to catch up with an old friend. We traipsed around Saxapahaw and made music with Bruce into the evening that night. I hope to get back into the studio this Friday! We have piano and bass to add to some songs. In the New Year, when it comes, we will be scheduling drums and composing additions to some of the songs to make them the best they can be. I just had a conversation with someone last night who loves my song, Hurricane. I sent him the recording I’d made so far and it was great getting a critique. We came up with ideas to craft the strength and message of the song to be as poignant, effective, moving and forceful as we both know it can be. There are a few songs on this album which are deeply applicable to the time in which we are living, realities of the people. I can’t wait to share them with you. We’ll be making a music video for Hurricane and I hope to be able to screen it at the album release party next year. Here’s the news: I’m aiming for June 28th as the release party. The date is not arbitrary – it’s the 2nd year anniversary of my new name. We’ll see! If it doesn’t happen on that day, I will not be upset. However, if it does, I will be elated.

School-teaching is finished for the semester. What a crazy ride. In all honesty, I don’t love teaching – but it’s not what you think. I don’t like the tedious paper grading, attendance, paperwork-type responsibilities. I LOVE being in the classroom and challenging students on controversial topics. To my surprise, not just one, but several students messaged me after the semester ended to tell me how much they loved the class. Those sweet words mean so much. I am very much in the vein of Mark Twain when it comes to this phenomenon, “I can live for two months on a compliment.”

So upcoming next week, we will be back in the thick of the holidays. After my conundrum about my mother and a thousand dollars, I am no closer to a solid decision. More prayers, less attachment. That’s the ticket. I was asking myself earlier today why I was gifted with my particular parents. Gratefully, a reminder came which said that my journey is to cut the cord with oppressive and abusive behavior. Someone dear to me asked me what my purpose is here, without hesitation, I said, “Victory over oppression and silence.” Today, in addition to those words, these are in need of adding, “and working to end it for others.”

Love y’all,

ALM

Upcoming shows: This Friday, I am playing an intimate pop-up show in Saxapahaw at Freehand Market. 5:30-7:30 – come on out! 5% of all sales go toward the album #SurrenderingToTheSacred ~ Bruce said he might show up and play for the second half!

Last week in pictures:


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Morning Ray of Lightness Inspiration

I desire Lightness of being

suppression of sensuality and sexuality have created

an inner battle of which

I’d been mostly unaware,

but now I feel awake and unbraided

 

pursuit of the arts and freedom are the same

pursuit of love and connection are the same

pursuit of community and perfect solitude are one in the same

 

I ache with fever to escape

I feel the thrills and chills of belonging – be-longing

how interesting that phrase

I long for belonging, a deep calling…

yet there are constant pangs of desire to feel completely alone

in a vast wood, only me, moss and giant pine cones

on a plain of wildflowers no human has ever seen

miles and miles of vastness and green

perhaps our species is the first

to treasure solitude as much as fellow humans with whom we are so deeply immersed

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Conundrum…

I was just on the phone with my grandmother.

She told me that my mother wants to donate a thousand dollars to my album fundraiser.  The only thing she wants in return is her own copy.  That was the last thing I expected to be thinking about tonight.  I told Maw Maw that I’d have to think about it.  There are several reasons why I need to think about it and Becky Miller’s voice just popped into my head as I think about them… I feel surprised.  I feel nauseous.  I feel trepidatious.  I think she doesn’t know what she’s getting into.  There’s only one real reason for all this fear, Darlene.   Darlene will smack my mother in the face via song.  I don’t want my music to hurt anyone, but Darlene has fighting gloves, armor and a helmet she wears around my mother.  Darlene is a force.  Darlene is fierce.  Darlene is both scared and strong.

Becky Miller said to me once, “You are not responsible for how someone else reacts to your truth. You are only responsible for being honest about who you are.”  I can’t control how my mother reacts to this.  I am nervous she’ll hate it.  I am scared she’ll sue me for non-support.  I’m afraid she’ll deny it and make me out to be the bad guy.

Tonight, for the first time, I read the lyrics to Darlene to my grandmother.  I could barely get through the song, reading it more like a poem.  I was choking up and holding back tears to be able to pronounce the words clearly enough so she could understand what I was saying.  At the end (I was grateful I made it through), she was quiet.  I had no idea what she was going to say.  I asked her, “You there?” and she answered, “Yes, I’m here.  That brought on a few tears. Your Paw Paw’s going to like that.”

So here I am, back to wondering if I should accept the money and give her a record, if I should accept the money and not give her a record, or if I should just reject the whole idea. The brave little one inside of me is afraid that her mother will judge her and hate her even more.  You see, in May of 2002, she called me from jail. She’d been arrested for not taking care of her children (I will spare you the details.).  She used her one phone call to tell me that I ruined her life.  Over the years, she’d called me stupid, lied over and over again, and very nonchalantly said to me when I was seven, “If it happens again, honey, let me know.” after I told her I’d been molested by her boyfriend’s son.  Of course, it happened again, and again, and again.

I don’t think about these things every day, consciously.  However, they color my existence and make me the sparkly person you know today.  I was polished through those moments to become Anita Lorraine, named after both my grandmothers and now have chosen to take my grandfather’s last name, Moore.  Anita Lorraine Moore.

It may take some time to come to a decision on this.  I hope I make a decision that makes the world a better place for us all.  This album is the crux of my inspiration.  Some of my music is happy.  Some is contemplative.  Some is magical.  Some is angry.  Some is broken-hearted.  Darlene, however, is revolutionary and bold.  She is a phoenix.

 

Darlene was raised in two different worlds

One was safe. The other, toil

Darlene paid in the old-time way

Full-grown girl, before she turned eight

 

Her daddy shamed her in the end

Momma left her on her own to fend

She needed love and a place to go

A place she found just a mile or so

 

Grandfather’s hands worked to the bone

Grandmother’s love gave her a home

Grandfather gave her all his pride

Grandmother was her sweetheart’s bride

 

She tried to pray but could not hear

The voice of God within her ear

Darlene knew she couldn’t run

To save herself from his father’s son

She had to freeze, her mind to bend

To save herself from her mother’s men

 

Grandfather came to the rescue

Grandmother was someone she looked up to

Grandfather’s grown into an old man

Grandmother still, she still holds his hand

 

You know Darlene’s not the only one

Children’s tears can’t be undone

But if this truth we refuse to ignore 

This world would change, we would take no more 

 

Darlene learned how to spread her wings

Sang with angels inside her dreams 

Her light shone through the darkest of  nights

Into a song… born of candlelight 

 

We are born fearless

    Named after our kin

 

    Blood and bone

    Show where we’ve been

 

Blood and bone

Show where we’ve been

 

     Blood and bone

     Memories and skin 

If you want to learn more about the fundraiser, visit: Sacred Album Recording Fundraiser 

If you want to see the live video of Darlene, visit here: Darlene Facebook Fundraiser Live Video Series

If you want to share or talk about anything, please send me an email, my door is open: anitalorrainemusic@gmail.com

Please consider donating to my album, 5% of all donations go to RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) is the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization. RAINN created and operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline (800.656.HOPE) in partnership with more than 1,000 local sexual assault service providers across the country.)

Thank you ALL for your support of this music, it means the world to me.
$40 = 1 hour in the studio ~
$5 = gas back and forth to the studio! It all helps.

LOVE,

ALM