anitalorraine.com

Musician and Activist devoted to Justice, Creativity, and Courage


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On hold: TuesDayNewsDay

Yesterday. It was going to be TuesDayNewsDay, but after my morning walk with Bruce and Sadie through the crackling woods, I had to go have a painful procedure. Saw this cool message on the side of a building in Greensboro on my way “honesty is one of our most valuable tools.” Love that. About the procedure? So that sucked. Is still kinda sucking, but after the ibuprofen kicked in last night finally, I felt well enough to get to go see Crystal, Robert, and Danny at the Cave. I even sang Loverman and Fly Me To the Moon, w/Robert on the piano and Danny on trombone. Very nice.

Today, pain still lives here… since 4:30am… so Im going back to bed after a brekkie attempt at the Gen Store. Wasn’t much hungry, but I tried. Yesterday was a rough one with the usual valleys and hills, valleys a little more like a dark holler… hope today turns out better.


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A Sappy Sad Love Song Poem For Cowgirls’ Twangy Guitars

The dock, it washed away in the flood

I thought that you would stay

But these tears are real, rolling down my face

And all I can do is cry.

Invited you in, longer than a dream,

meant so much more to me than to deny

I feel your arms around my sides

and all I can do is cry

I wished on the Moon you’re somewhere safe

And I dreamed I saw your face

You held me tight, said all you never said

I had to turn and walk away

Trains don’t wait, they never say goodbye

this heart in knots and tied

time has made us ghosts tonight

and all I can do is cry

My friends all think you used me dear

A hummingbird, it flies

on to the next sweet blossom near

And all I can do is cry

I awake alone in this bed on the floor

Look out the window to the sky

The bluebird perched knows what’s in store

she knows all I can do is cry

Grandfather calls me his tender-hearted girl

Who falls in love too fast

Moon’s nearly full, She’s on the rise

And all I can do is cry

This Heart it breaks, a heavy stone

It sinks inside my mind

It ripples from where you skipped it dear

And all I can do is cry

I may not see your face again

The one I dreamed of last night

I hope you’re warm in the cold cold night

This morning all I can do is cry

The poor dock seems to have washed away in the night!

Half Moon Rise!

Summer Cowgirl style


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A lesson in conflict, work with me now…

I went to Al-Anon today and we are having a special month-longs session dedicated to relationships and intimacy. Today’s topic was conflict and it was hella poignant. I want to share these questions and if you give yourself a little while to answer the questions for yourself, it helps for self-awareness and help to decide what about your behavior you would like to understand.
1. How would I define conflict?
2. With whom do I most often have conflicts?
3. What are common/recurring conflict areas for me? (addictions, money, sex, time together, chores, parenting, family, stressors challenging our sense of love and fairness?)
4. What are examples of challenging conflicts that I’m involved in/affected by?
5. What is it so hard to embrace (or at least address) conflicts? Are there perceived vs. real risks?
6. What happens when I don’t embrace (or at least address) conflicts?
7. Why should I embrace conflict?
8. When and How can I healthily embrace conflict? With how much “force”? How should I vary my response by person, situation, importance? Vary my level of trust, set ground rules, etc?
9. What program tools (steps, traditions, concepts, slogans) can I use to embrace conflict?

Some of my answers:
1. How would I define conflict?  Feeling unease w/a situation and fearful to express myself directly and fully – I am afraid of abandonment, invalidation, and even violence if I bring up something that makes me upset or uncomfortable.  Then I often have conflict within my own mind and heart, doubting the reasons for my unease to begin with.  I’ll sometimes even invalidate my own feelings, thoughts, and experiences unknowingly in order to avoid conflict.

2. With whom do I most often have conflicts? Myself… romantic partners…  I very rarely have conflict with those who I am not connected to, acquaintances or strangers.  (People I don’t know well.)

3. What are common/recurring conflict areas for me? (addictions, money, sex, time together, chores, parenting, family, stressors challenging our sense of love and fairness?) * Proper, respectful communication (my expectation of that and my conflicting behavior of avoidance that ends up in the same behavior…) *myself -> judgement of actions and “the shoulds,” time management/productivity/follow through. *fear of judgment when expressing my honest opinion *lack of appreciation for work that I have done for someone
4. What are examples of challenging conflicts that I’m involved in/affected by? *Criticism from others is challenging.  *Recognition that others’ actions/opinions are reflections of them, not me *trying to control other people’s decisions by subtlety vs. directness/assertiveness *inconsistent behavior (actions vs. words, do as I say.. not as I do..)

(I haven’t answered these questions yet, but I’ll share later once I have time to consider them and respond.)


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TuesDayNewsDay Vol. 1, Issue 7 November 13, 2018

TuesDayNewsDay Vol.1, Issue 7 November 13th, 2018

Quote(s): “There’s nothing sadder than losing yourself in love.” – Killing the Blues, Raising Sand album from Allison Krauss and Robert Plant – I must remember this.

Song: It Was Just One of Those Things – I like the simplicity of Diana Krall’s version: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ef3XZtJoJCM

Dedication: This week I dedicate this to my dear cat, Pepita. She is one of the best cats I’ve ever met. She’s sweet, affectionate with love, she occasionally drools, she’s SO soft, and she is my tiny companion. She hates travel; lately we’ve had to transport to different, temporary locations for house sitting. She never hates me for it afterwards and is always ready to touch noses to say hello. She gives me enormous comfort. I love that chick.

Dear Humans,

Today, it’s raining again here in Saxapahaw and the river very nearly burst its banks this afternoon. The tremendous amount of rain pushed that muddy river up higher than I have seen it in my whole life. There were news crews and humans looking on and over the bridge most of the day. I went on my walk and checked out the scene. SO much water. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to canoe when it’s like that. I’d have to tell my grandmother I was going on a picnic or something and only after I returned safely, tell her exactly what I’d just done. I used to go cliff jumping over at the Eno quarry back before the state bought it and it was private property. That jump is only about 15-20 feet, but I’d just tell Maw Maw that I was going swimming. After I came back and told her about the jump, she perpetually asked me there on out if I was really ONLY going swimming…

Today’s newsletter is going to be a bit shorter than usual, I’m feeling a bit blasé. Might be the rain. It was a good week, nothing to complain about. Stayed in mostly, did some house sitting and cleaning up/purging my closet. Mine and Pete’s show on Saturday ended up not happening due to weather. I got to see a huge group of friends in Greensboro (ate a few delicious delicacies of the pineapple persuasion). It was nice to be sober. I haven’t had any alcohol in a few weeks. It’s a lovely thing to not have to worry about getting home safe after a party. I really like that. Sunday, got to hang with Bruce all day and my dear friend Phil got to come visit too! Yesterday, I worked with my students all morning and afternoon, and last night, I watched the rest of the new season of House of Cards. That show is thrilling to say the least. I would definitely recommend it. I also watched a movie called Nappily Ever After, also a damn fine watch for women who find themselves hitching their self-worth on the value judgements of other people and society rather than from within. It is also a compelling commentary on the black woman’s experience growing up in a white dominant society when it comes to appearance and expectation of appearance.

I’m very tired today, I’ve had a lot on my mind of late about relationships and communication, intuition and time management, distraction and intention. Think I’ll go to sleep instead of typing any longer. Hope everyone has a lovely week. Happy Tuesday.

#LivingQueryOfTheWeek : Why is taking a bath so damn good? It helps me sleep when I take a bath before bed, I feel cleansed and relaxed. So now, My eyelids are heavily drooping. Goodnight y’all.

Upcoming Shows:

Fri, November 23 – Me-n-Bruce 7:30-9:30pm, Asheboro, NC @ #Bottle&Can http://www.bottleandcannc.com

Fri, November 30th – Anita Lorraine with Bruce Horvath https://tinyurl.com/StoneSoupShow  7:00-9:00pm, Saxapahaw @ #TheEddyPub

More to come.

This week in pictures:

The Haw River today swollen with all the water from our latest downpours.Kitties meet. Pepita and Juno and Jitterbug Perfume.Bruce’s chili and my corny pepper blue corn cornbread.I found this corset at a clothing swap and we were trying to figure out how to put it on. It was upside down. Happy birthday Magz. Bruce chopping wood.We said to Willow, “Lay Down” and she did. Right on our feet.Breakfast with Andrea and Alison (Alison’s first outing since she broke her poor ankle!)Jonathan Byrd and the Pickup Cowboys on WednesdayFeetz at one of my favorite local waterfallsBruce and Willow at Breakfast


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TuesDayNewsDay Vol.1, Issue 6 November 6th, 2018 Election Day – GO VOTE

TuesDayNewsDay Vol.1, Issue 6 November 6th Election Day – 2018

Quote(s): “Actions speak louder than words.”  (Classic, true. Very important.)

“If you are willing to look at another person’s behavior toward you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time cease to react at all.” – Yogi Bhajan (One of the greatest pieces of information ever to cross my path.  It took me a long time to understand – and it is still a daily lesson to remember it. I was able to share this with a student who’s been dealing with some interpersonal issues and it felt very good to pass it along.)

Song: Temporary Tattoo, by Jonathan Byrd – “I washed it off with the dirt, I didn’t want it to hurt.  …You didn’t understand you were wearin’ the brand of a damn fool. All I could do was a temporary tattoo…” https://youtu.be/O2-ZIoYUJmY  This song was running through my mind all day yesterday.  I probably listened to it 30 times. I’ve been a fan of Jonathan Byrd for many years.  It’s a privilege to get to see him and his band play on Wednesdays at the Kraken, a little dive bar nearby Saxapahaw.  The more often than not feature amazing acts and read poetry too. It’s a treat.Dedication:

Today, I dedicate TuesDayNewsDay to All those who organized, protested, and died for our right to vote.  The history and current state of our democracy (representative republic) is tainted by bigotry and racism.  I honor the work of our ancestors to fulfill the dreams of people of color, the poor, marginalized and their families to be equal humans in the name of human dignity. Thank you to all our strategists, poll workers, canvassers, and those who are running for office to change the current, hateful trend of a dying out, clinging to a hateful past occupants of office.  Our votes really do truly matter and if we are to change anything, to quote Chelsea Peretti, now we must “vote like a bunch of school children were shot and a bunch of other children were put into campus indefinitely because they weren’t white and like a journalist was murdered and like you are being lied to by rich liars who harass/assault women & who won’t renounce white supremacy.”

Dear Humans,

Thank you for joining me again on this beautiful, warm, rainy Tuesday.  This last week was chaotic, fun, and filled with activity. Again, another week rolled by without my setting up a structured time management plan for social media or to limit distractions.  I was too busy! (Haha.) Halloween was wonderful. I dressed up in my IncogNitaNitaPurplePeoplePumpkinEata outfit and went to a chili cook off with Maggie. We then went to the City Tap where members of my band were playing with another band called The Spectacles.  I sang a couple songs. It was awesome. A very chill Halloween after all. I ate many many many packages of Smarties and got to help a few people get to the polls to vote early.

My students were doing very cool things this week, one in particular, my campus at New College of Florida in Sarasota did a “Reverse Trick or Treat.”  They walked all around campus, knocked on doors and gave out candy to people while informing them about what’s on the ballot (importantly in Florida restoring the right to vote to felons who’ve served their time).  It was a great success, they may have gained a few new members from their efforts as well, it’s always a goal to grow membership.

I was house sitting for my grandparents last week and enjoyed the slow time.  I didn’t watch TV once! I did however, make my own paintbrushes from an old ponytail of my hair and paint a few pictures.  They were pretty horrible paint brushes, but the process was fun. I’ll try again, that ponytail is nowhere near being finished.  I went to see Bohemian Rhapsody and ate nachos at the movie. I liked the movie. I enjoyed the bits of the story I didn’t know about.  I had no idea that Freddie Mercury was from a Zoroastrian family and that he was married most of his life to a woman named Mary. Their relationship was beautiful and tragic, but had real love nonetheless.

My shows this weekend were fun.  Pete and I had a duo show in Star, NC on Saturday night.  Star is a very cool little place. This location is called Starworks Café and Taproom.  Fiva our host is awesome – this joint is an auditory dreamboat. She and a group of folks from the area enjoyed our music and their brownies are impeccable.  The drive out there was lovely as well, beautiful countryside.

On Sunday, the Radar Clowns got back together to do the Tom Waits Rain Dogs album at the City Tap in Pittsboro.  There were many folks there who were looking forward to our weird and awesome full album cover night. I loved seeing people singing along and getting into it.  I put my hair up in those 40s victory rolls and made a suit tailored to my new favorite musical character, Edna Million – in a drop dead suit. 🙂 I did a lot of online forum research and my favorite explanation of Edna Million is this: “Edna Million is a jive version of the poet Edna (St. Vincent) Millay.

‘My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends—
It gives a lovely light!’”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9vEBPYfy1GM –Jockey Full of Bourbon from the Rain Dogs album, Tom Waits

I did not have therapy this week but I nonetheless had some life lessons (every day really).  This week I asserted myself while being vulnerable. Baby steps. What I am beginning to realize is that this emotional therapy work I’m doing with therapy and Al-Anon is taxing.  Working through complex PTSD is hard. I’m learning so much about myself and one of the things I’m having a hard time not judging is my prioritization of self-work and how tired I am because of it.

I was SUPER honored to help host a birthday gathering for Maggie.  We surprised her and went to the Wooden Nickel to celebrate with wings.  She was stoked. I am so glad to have her as a friend. She’s the kind of friend who thinks no one is good enough for me and who sees what I need to see when I can’t see it. She is a blessing.

#LivingQueryOfTheWeek : What are the things you’re not saying that you want to say?  Mine are endless, but the first things that come to mind are self-preservation assertions like, “I am worthy.  My feelings are valid. I can say how I feel without explanation.”

Upcoming Shows:

Fri, November 23 – Me-n-Bruce 7:30-9:30pm, Asheboro, NC @ #Bottle&Can http://www.bottleandcannc.com

Fri, November 30th – Anita Lorraine with Bruce Horvath https://tinyurl.com/StoneSoupShow  7:00-9:00pm, Saxapahaw @ #TheEddyPub

Fri, December 14 – One-Hit-Wonders-Reprise!

Sat, December 15 – Anita Moore Trio with Pete and Bruce at the #BerkeleyCafeofRaleigh 8:00-10:00pm https://www.facebook.com/berkeleyraleigh/

This Week in Pictures:

Show in Star NC – love that space!

waking up with Pepita

Maggie’s Southern translation book at her birthday surprise party!

White Oak Leaf impression

Drawing of the dock at Saxapahaw Lake

The actual dock. ❤

Radar Clowns at the City Tap doing Tom Waits Rain Dogs Album

Jeremy as the Don’t Care Bear

Pete up on the wall at the City Tap.

Exploring Saxapahaw today!


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TuesDayNewsDay Vol 1. Issue 5, October 30, 2018

TuesDayNewsDay Vol 1, Issue 5 – October 30, 2018

Quote: “You have to feel it to heal it.” My therapist said this to me yesterday – indicative to me of all the things we do to try to NOT feel. (For me, it has been staying super busy, not taking time to sit with myself, looking after others (thinking I have some sort of control) and at times drinking/eating.) I am glad I am beginning to make the space to feel and to be aware of what those feelings are. Awhile back I wrote that I thank the great Spirit for allowing me to hear her.

Song: “Lonely for A While” – Jesse Winchester “I thought if you give love then you get love in return, after all that seems only fair… but you revolutionized my way of thinking…” https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-QEyD4dNK0Y I love this song. Classic stubborn love.

Dedication: Today I dedicate this to the trails of Saxapahaw. I have found real solace on those trails of late. They provide quiet and contemplation moments, the place to walk with friends, the time for appreciation of this Autumn’s leaves a’changing. Thank you pine forest, white oak, elm and sycamore. Thank you magic rock, Saxy dock, mud, and creek obstacles (some days you can cross, some days you can’t and you have to alter your course). Thank you turtle, beetle, deer, beaver, cormorant, heron, crow and geese. Thank you rain and sun.

Dear Humans,

Welcome to Tuesday, where the weekend starts in Saxapahaw (according to our Jazz night profressionals) and where I have begun to write a weekly newsletter. This is one of my time management applications and it is working! Last week I was talking about having a more structred way of organizing my time. So far, I have been able to carve out chunks of time for work and have yet to work out a schedule for non-distraction and intentional social media time.

Work: Last week, I had the honor of meeting my new chapter of students at UNC, my student Shaina is starting a new chapter of Democracy Matters and is rockin’ it. So proud of her!

Life: Maggie made me breakfast Wednesday morning, always a treat. Friday I had a small dinner at the Eddy for my Grandparents’ 60th wedding anniversary. It was so sweet to see them gushing over one another. This week I am house-sitting for them and feeding their kitty in Burlington, this is the house in which I spent many years growing up, the safe haven. Saturday was a huge day! My friend asked me to sing for her 50th birthday party, it was one of the most beautiful and heart-felt gatherings I’d ever seen. After that, I went to see Jonathan Byrd’s CD release show at the Haw River Ballroom. Exquisite show. I love how they interact with the People, how they honor the Past, how they preach their Truth, how they read Poetry and give their All. Lastly, there was an adult costume party out at Thistledown Farm. My roommates throw it every year and we had a great time. I dressed up as the IncogNitaPurplePeoplePumpkinEata. Basically I was dressed all in purple and my dress lit up. 🙂

Shows: I enjoyed playing out by myself at the birthday party, it had been awhile since I played solo. Singing solo is very different from playing with a person or a group. I don’t have to curb my tendency to alter the timing of a song or the length at which I hold a note (or don’t). Growing up singing in choirs allowed for me to have the ear if I needed to know when to sing more quietly or to crescendo with the group. This week I have a duo gig with Pete Pawsey in Star, NC. I look forward to this as we haven’t played just the two of us in a while.

Therapy: Realized I was super green this week when it comes to the process of forgiveness. I went into therapy last week hilariously saying “Today, I’m going to forgive my mom!” (This is the fundamendal relationship I felt like I needed to heal.) What came up during our conversation was not that I need to work on forgiveness, but rather what I need to do before that. Turns out the fundamental relationship I need to heal is the one with myself and my Spirit. My therapist asked me, “When your mom said, “If it happens again honey, let me know.” What did you need in that moment?” I said that I needed protection, and finally, validation. It felt as if I did not matter. My experience wasn’t important to the one person I needed in that moment (and many more similar moments to come.). So my homework last week was to research self-validation. I have to learn how to do this myself. And on that note, last night I wrote a poem when I arrived home after a wonderful date with a new friend. I drove right past the place where I used to live on my way back to Maw Maw and Paw Paw’s house. I have to cross those railroad tracks and see my mother’s house every time I go Home. It’s heartbreaking and infuriating at the same time. I’d like to let that go, and here’s a poem that helped me to feel those feelings:

~ That’s where my trailer used to be

Now an empty, dirty place on Pomeroy Street

Many things transpired there

Until tonight, to remember I wouldn’t have thought to dare

But tonight, as I drove by in my old Mazda truck

I drove by and realized that’s where my childhood got fucked

Literally and figuratively in most senses for sure

That’s where I begged to God and heard not a word

That’s where my existence didn’t matter

Stripped away from my little mind

All the thoughts of Home slowly shattered

No one came in to save me, like in the movies

Right on time

That’s where mother failed

Continues to fail as she’s failed before

To save her tiny girls’ dreams of deserving so much more

More than being alone

More than yearning for a Home

Craving affirmation

More than all the seeds I’ve sewn

Tonight, driving down that old street

I cried the kind of tears that stain your face

Where pain and skin meet

Makes it contort, you know the look

As if you’ve swallowed memories

Stabbing you in the throat

It wells up, that fear and explodes

Into little moments of your life as you go

Tiny transgressions and habits come forth

You develop a sense of helplessness inside

deny your sense of self-worth

You search and yearn to fill a bottomless hole

Afraid to feel, to heal what they stole

I’m here to tell you it’s not been easy

Surviving in secret, always feeling sleazy

Inside there’s a mirror that’s dark, full of shadows

No one’s seen in for decades of hours

But as of late, from a divine chance of fate,

My dreadful days are few.

Waking up in the morning,

I don’t feel the warning,

when my eyes see the day anew.

For in the dark matter

Somewhere those memories of satyrs

seem to have lost their grip.

And my vision of Mother

Is beginning to recover

From the stain that left me adrift. ~

From my journal last night: “Today I learned that in order to forgive, I must provide for myself the love, safety, and validation I never received from her, and without bitterness. By seeing this, I’ve seen a little light, hear a new Voice, it says that in spite of all this, I really do truly matter. My feelings and experience are valid and I need no one to know that these things are true. Now all I have to do is apply this to my love relationships – you know the ones – the ones where you put yourself on the line, anchoring your vulnerability in that sacred place of trust and faith. *big sigh*

It really is true that you can’t give love to anyone else until you first give it to yourself. Feel it, Anita Moore.”

Built an ancestor altar Sunday night as well. Feels good to consciously remember where I come from, I also put a picture of my mother as a little girl on the altar to build compassion for her as a human being. Baby steps.

#LivingQueryOfTheWeek : Have you ever smelled the air and been taken back to a place your love? This happens to me when I walk through the woods and smell the rot, the decomposition, the new life springing forth from decay.

Upcoming Shows:

Sat, November 3rd – Me-n-Pete Duo 7:15pm, Star, NC @ #StarworksCafeTaproom

Sun, November 4th – w/Radar Clowns, Rain Dogs by Tom Waits Theme 3:00-5:00pm, Pittsboro @ #CITYTAPPITTSBORO

Fri, November 23 – Me-n-Bruce 7:30-9:30pm, Asheboro, NC @ #Bottle&Can http://www.bottleandcannc.com

Fri, November 30th – Anita Lorraine with Bruce Horvath https://tinyurl.com/StoneSoupShow 7:00-9:00pm, Saxapahaw @ #TheEddyPub

Fri, December 14 – One-Hit-Wonders-Reprise!


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TuesDayNewsDay Vol. 1, Issue 4 – October 23, 2018

TuesDayNewsDay October 23, 2018 Vol. 1, Issue 4 – October 23, 2018

“But You’ve come so far…” – the surprise, unfamiliar voice who spoke to me one day – I now call her my Divine Mother… the closest thing to god I’ve ever known. The only voice in my head by which I’ve ever been surprised.

This photo is from a Tarot deck I used to have (maybe still do somewhere) called Triple Goddess Tarot.  I added the words.

Song: Place To Be – Nick Drake (one of my favorites of which I was reminded yesterday while sitting in a new haunt. I love when old songs come back and have new significance.  So many aspects of this song’s words speak to me right now. Love.) https://youtu.be/kwa71b33GBg 

Dear Humans,

This last week has been a whirlwind – wonderful news: I am 99% sure that I have a new teaching job in the Spring.  It’s at Alamance Community College, I’d be teaching Critical Thinking, 2 classes. What an honor! (And supplemental income, check! The Musician says “thank you”!). I’ll not be celebrating just yet, until everything is approved and I’ve signed a contract.  Then I’ll be jumping for joy. 🙂  Halloween is my grandparents’ 60th wedding anniversary! I’m throwing them a dinner this Friday. I love them so much, they mean the world to me and they mean the world to each other. I love seeing them flirt with each other in the kitchen and how Paw Paw refers to Maw Maw as “his Bride” and when he comes out of surgery, he is always asking where she is first thing. All the nurses tell me these stories with tears in their eyes. Happens every time. I’m honored every day to be a part of their lives. Last week I took a mushroom foraging class, played a rad retro Halloween gig with the band (Radar Clowns – buncha cool cats), played Putt Putt for the first time in years, cooked a delicious meal and had a therapy sesh; it was one for the books.  Upcoming shows are listed at the end and along the way, I hope you find something you enjoy. *cheers* (With my cold coffee, sitting here on my favorite rock and it’s 50 degrees outside…) 

Dedication:  This week I dedicate this to my dear and numerous, amazing girlfriends near and far. You all know who you are.  All my closest loves who are strong and capable women. Several of my friends have birthdays around this time too and I am so glad they were born! Grateful for your unwavering support and validation (more on this) – I appreciate all of your wisdom, insight, and general badassery.  

 

So now I have a strong interest in mushroom medicine, as I will be repairing my body through intentional release. (More on this)  Thanks to Laura at Haw River Mushrooms, I have a beginners interest in foraging for mushrooms and tinctures aimed at healing! 

The Moon will be full on Wednesday, Taurus full Moon.  This Taurus Moon (my Moon is in Taurus and Gemini – I was born on a half-moon) is said to be the most magical full Moon of the year – connecting the physical with the meta-physical – that old saying that the veil becomes thin this time of year… the veil is lifted between realms – connecting us to our ancestors.  I have learned more about my ancestors this year.  As I changed my last name to Moore (my maternal grandfather’s family name) I learned a little about my maternal ancestral history.  We are from Person county and I learned that my great great great great grandfather Abraham Moore, owned slaves.  This was very upsetting and caused me to experience some direct white-guilt.  I have always benefitted from being white, as a white woman, a gatekeeper for a patriarchal society – I realize this plainly.  Talk to me if you wanna learn more about that.  Nonetheless, guilt does us no good.  Neither does shame.  What debilitating, non-productive emotions they are – yet still we can learn from them. Instead of wallowing in my guilt and shame inherited from my ancestral roots, I am choosing to acknowledge it and move forward in my activism and advocacy with that in mind.  I am the change agent if nothing else, to turn the story of my own history around, bending it further toward justice.  That is why, this Full Moon, I will be letting go of some very serious behaviors and aged paradigms that have held me back from becoming the woman I want to be, (already am in some ways – but working to embody on a more habitual, natural basis).

Again I will be giving up alcohol, it does nothing good for me; it clouds my ability to feel and makes me more comfortable in social situations. With this other work, I hope to create more internal comfort in social settings.  Of late I have been using tobacco here and there. I don’t like that.  My body doesn’t deserve that.  My mind hates myself when I do it, so I’m not going to anymore.  It’s that time.  I will be intentionally releasing my tendency for obsession and writing future stories in my mind based on my wants and desires, vs. what is reality.  This is a VERY difficult task – I think we all can fall in that trap and distance ourselves from what’s actually going on vs. what we want to happen – basing our decisions on desire vs. fact.  I will be releasing self-doubt and time-wasting.  (More on that).  I will be releasing my guilt and shame for my own privilege as a white woman and my historical association with the institutional racism in this country.  Releasing this I believe will ritually bring in more room for me to be more of a change-agent in the work I aim to do in my time here, in this vessel. Lastly, I will be releasing my all or nothing thinking patterns and my attraction for the unavailable human.  I am learning more and more about why I seem to be attracted to people who are emotionally, geographically, and situationally unavailable or able to commit.  My goal is to change my subconscious attraction! Though I consciously crave love, protection, commitment and validation from a partner – I do not know what to do with these things when they come to me for real.  My subconscious only knows how to deal with those who are destined to be at arms length (or road trip lengths away for that matter).  Re-creations of the relationship I had with my mother.  The woman from which I so desperately needed those aforementioned things – but could never find.  She was unavailable and unable to give me what I needed as a child.  I release my resentment for her and my need for control.  I release my tears as they flow writing this piece today.  I release my search for fulfillment, because hey, I am fulfilled.  I open myself to the grey area – the liminal feeling of the unknown.  My inner wisdom and Divine Mother said it just right, “But you have come so far.” 

Being more self-aware is my goal and I am doing just that. Treating myself in the wholesome, luminous, protective way that I would treat my own child.  My inner child.  I’ve got your back girl.  Come here. Bring it in! *gives the unending hug* That feels good, not awkward at all. *giggle*

Therapy this week (yesterday) helped me to gain clarity on just what it is that I have searched and longed for from my mother. In the moment when I lost faith in family, god, myself (repeated sexual abuse starting at age 7) my mother simply said, “If it happens again honey, let me know.” Those words caged my heart. I look back on that moment with more pain and disdain than even the abuses, interestingly enough… I wanted validation and protection – but now as an adult, I can give these things to myself! So instead of searching for forgiveness first (that was for what I THOUGHT I was going into therapy yesterday), my therapist switched gears and now we are working on self-validation.  I have never learned about this before.  It’s a new concept and I feel like I’m foraging in a whole new forest, ripe with foreign and delicious looking fruits so much more connected to the ground beneath my feet.  I am eager and excited vs. scared and hesitant.  Release and renew! One step at a time.  

 

So with all that release, I must refill my energy with something else.  I do well with substitution and routine… so here is my brainstorming process for creating those substitutions:

* get clear on your goals and what steps are necessary to reach them – step by step – while still being present in the moment and ready/aware for/that Spirit may change your path – maintain presence and awareness to hear/feel these moments.

* get clear on your purpose.  This is a prayer-driven sound.  This is an awareness-driven answer.  This is what you will hear when you are paying attention and listening for it.

* get clear on where you spend your time/energy.  How much time do you waste? Do you waste time? Is time wasteable? I certainly think so.  I know I both “do what is supposed to happen” (if that means binge-watching Game of Thrones – but let it be because you WANT to, not just what you “end up” doing) and I mindlessly flail through time/life more often than I like to sometimes.

Here are some tactics I have been researching for my health and sanity.  Time Time Time. Time management.  Healthy skills to remove myself from the gadgetry of the internet and telephones.   Having trouble focusing? I am.  Here’s what I’m going to try out and share with you all my own results. See most helpful article I’ve found (I really like her methodical way of doing things, it is always inspiring to see someone else’s process and reasoning): https://hbr.org/2018/10/i-ran-4-experiments-to-break-my-social-media-addiction-heres-what-worked

 

Concepts I learned and am trying out:

Dedicated Focus Hours – that are NOT reminders set into my schedule!! LOL

•Early Morning Mindfulness – waking up before getting out of bed (creating actual new neuropathway connections)

•11am break – stretch, intentional breathing 

•3pm break – stretch, intentional breathing

•Evening Mindfulness – before bed 

•Social Media Scroll Stroll Hour w/planned sharing already in the wings (taking note during the week/day vs stopping what you’re doing completely to “post”) 

•One day a week completely without a phone/computer. (most likely Saturdays – encouraging more planning ahead to know what’s going on and what I’m doing… I have noticed my memory slipping and the addiction to my calendar is real y’all.)

•Setting parameters and deadline guidelines to get chunks of work finished (self-discipline) (if I DO need to use the internet on the day off)

 

So… I’ll let you know how all that works out. Haha. I can see my skeptical self raising an eyebrow while I say that.  The determined self sticking her tongue out and skipping away delightfully.  

So long loves, hope your week is filled with appreciation for your own journey.  Happy full Moon to you all. Sincerely,

ALM

 

#LivingQueryOfTheWeek What would be a single sentence you would say to your lover to express how you feel?  Mine would be, “I hope we can go on journeys together, tickled, barefoot and satisfied.”  

 

Alrighty then, UPCOMING SHOWS: (Mystery Show with Radar Clowns Nov 2nd is cancelled.)

Sat, October 27 BIG DAY! – Private party gig for a new friend’s birthday, then going to the Jonathan Byrd CD release show at the ballroom and then a Halloween party in Saxapahaw! This year I’m going to be IncogNita Pumpkin Purple People Eata (Wheel of Fortune before and after, haha)

Sat, November 3rd – Me-n-Pete Duo

7:15pm, Star, NC @ #StarworksCafeTaproom

Sun, November 4th – w/Radar Clowns, Rain Dogs by Tom Waits Theme

3:00-5:00pm, Pittsboro @ #CITYTAPPITTSBORO

Fri, November 23 – Me-n-Bruce

7:30-9:30pm, Asheboro, NC @ #Bottle&Can http://www.bottleandcannc.com

Fri, November 30th – Anita Lorraine with Bruce Horvath https://tinyurl.com/StoneSoupShow

7:00-9:00pm, Saxapahaw @ #TheEddyPub

Fri, December 14 – One-Hit-Wonders-Reprise!


This weeks pictures:

 a quote from my calendar

 Gravestone out in Mebane on my friends’ farm.  I love her name: Mahala (sounds like thank you in Hawaiian)


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