anitalorraine.com

Musician and Activist devoted to Justice, Creativity, and Courage


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Preliminaries…

Well, I misunderstood, I thought that I would be starting the EMDR therapy today. It actually starts next time, so thanks for all the candles… 

Today was just a “get to know you” sort of day with the woman who will be working with me. I like her a lot. It’s affirming when someone acknowledges your trauma(s) experience(s), it makes you feel understood and validates your existence (since it is difficult sometimes for me to validate my own existence.) 

We went through a timeline I had to create of all the abuses, neglects, and traumatic experiences from my life, up to now, the ongoing abandonment. Making that list wasn’t hard, but going through it was. It was difficult again telling someone new all of the things…. I’ve probably been through six or seven different therapy sessions with different therapists throughout the years and it’s always difficult to start over with the story. The lovely thing here is that I liked her immediately, and she didn’t need to know the details. That something about EMDR therapy that I already like. I don’t have to go into the gory details, I don’t even have to say anything.

She is very confident that while the EMDR therapy will be successful with me because I am so open, she alerted me that it will be very triggering and will bring up a lot within my body and my awareness. I told her I’m game. I’m SO game. 

Right now I feel very soft and ripe like a fuzzy peach, but if I’m not careful and I drop myself.. I’m afraid I’ll splatter all over the floor.  I’m girding my loins, yet also (and definitely) open to this journey, no matter where it takes me. 


(If you’re reading this and wondering, “why the hell is she sharing this publicly and on the Internet?” It’s because I’m not the only one who has experienced this sort of stuff and I would like to make an example out of the journey that I’m on so that other people may find it inspiring to open themselves up and heal from their hurt.)


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I am not ashamed. I am learning.

As of late, I have been learning some very important information about myself. This information comes from years and years and years, perhaps my entire lifetime of searching for something that I could not find. I could not grasp. I would venture and dare to say that it was held back from me, until the right time, which is now. I can’t tell you anything that has meant more to me than the realization that an aspect of my personality, learned as a very, very young child has come to the forefront of my awareness. I was first introduced to the notion of codependency about 3 1/2 weeks ago. At first I was completely turned off by the term. I was in a therapy session and the term offended me. I said out loud, “codependency? That’s not me. Fuck that! I’m not my mother!” Right after I said that, ironically, I softened, felt guilty for expressing my feelings to my therapist (ha!), and accepted the book my therapist handed me. I didn’t realize what I was opening myself to. Just reaching across the room, with the curiosity I seem to have an insatiable amount of, has changed my worldview. I took the book home and devoured it. I read and highlighted that book with fervor that I can only express as a voracious need to heal, because I have work to do. I have a world around me and somehow I feel driven to be an agent of change. I have so much gratitude for the support and love of everyone in my life. Right now however, for the first time, I am showing up for me. I’ve been showing up for everyone else for so long and I can only do the work of fighting for true justice if I can give justice to myself. The small child inside me deserves justice just like all the other children in this world deserve it. All of the other children and children of children and adults who are still children. We don’t deserve to stay broken, and this journey is helping me put the pieces back together. Whether you have experienced sexual, emotional, or physical neglect and/or abuse, if you resonate with anything that I’m saying right now, please listen to this podcast and take notes on the resources that are discussed. I will further explain and update about this process. The eternal, or rather seemingly eternal replay of self deprecating words and thoughts to myself and about myself are slowly beginning to dissipate. I feel more liberated right now than I have ever, I am crying right now just saying these words out loud. I lived in fear most of my life, and I am sure that surprises most of you, because what you’ve seen throughout the years is a glimmer of who I am but also a very clear view of who I wanted you to see. The conflicted person who, I should say this with gentleness, very much hated herself and thought she deserved nothing was very much ashamed. Through much sorrow, they say, comes much joy. (insert Kahlil Gibran quote here http://www.katsandogz.com/onjoy.html)

 I don’t know that “Joy” very well at all. I learned very early on that nobody and nothing in this world was safe. I learned this before I was two years old. I learned it over and over again, in fact, I was learning it up until three weeks ago. Thankfully, my grandparents offered temporary respite from the world I lived in as a little girl. Even more thankfully, I am offering respite to myself now.  I’ve only seen the shadow of joy and I want to truly experience it and relinquish my need for control (out of fear that I might lose it), this I am working on. Sending all of you so much love and appreciation, and yet also I am now beginning to send myself the same love and appreciation. Again I have work to do, and I may only get this lifetime to be aware of it.

http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/codependency-no-more-podcast/e/42583301

https://www.google.com/amp/www.goodtherapy.org/blog/wounded-attachment-relationships-of-survivors-of-childhood-sexual-assault-0627135/amp/

Careful with this one, very explicit: https://ritualabuse.us/research/sexual-abuse/how-childhood-sexual-abuse-affects-interpersonal-relationships/


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4 days late, remembering a buddha in the wind and sunshine

I am forgiven, myself, forgiving myself

For some things take longer to accomplish than the patience within me allows

My judgement is suspended for I said I’d write a poem a day.

The last one was 2 days ago and I refuse to feel remorse.

A while ago I would have riddled myself with guilt and poured on feelings of inadequacy,

but because I’ve given myself room to be imperfect,

my imperfections feel more right, they are okay, they make me smile versus frown.

My dreams realized may be just the life I live – in the moments where I forgive.

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Thank you Dearest Bill for always reminding me of Coyote magic and the power of counting to 10, the strength in being what is, the love in living love and acceptance of the day as it passes and becomes another day.  I have thought of you so much in the past few days and I feel as if your passing was what was supposed to happen and that you were smiling all the way into the next form you’ve taken, whatever that is.  Your energy lives on in so many people as the healer and the figure of inspiration.  I miss you today and send your spirit my thanks and blessings.


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In dreams

I am sitting here in the General Store of Saxapahaw.. most likely only a few days from the beginning of my Moon.. I know this because I am crying and sniffling out of nowhere.  Roy Orbison came on the speaker set and I started slightly bawling.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbxsmcT7GOk

The next song was Under The Boardwalk http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iyzCccndc2w

Now playing: Be My Little Baby http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QzhbGaCwBzs

I say, “JEEZ! What is UP with the radio station today???”

I just found this on the internet. I’m going to look for hearts again today.

I must eat my yummy omelet and then go for a jog.  Outside.  Because it’s beautiful.

Now playing: This Magic Moment http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpePWo56zm4

I know why all these songs are making me nostalgic, I used to sweep and mop the floor at my first job (Angelo’s Italian Restaurant) for hours to an amazing oldies station…   Forever ’til the end of time……….

On this day in history, 5 minutes ago I was crying, now I’m bopping my head.   That’s what happened.  So there.   Also, there’s a 50% chance I ate at Skids Drive In on this day in history.


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I wanted to call but…

Today I made plans to wake up at 7am, just like yesterday and go to the gym to administer my exercise healing medicine.  That stuff works wonders, so I’m told.  Yesterday I didn’t get as much done as I would have liked – but yet I was encouraged by others last night (during our weekly, ladies’ ukulele music-making night)  that I’d accomplished a ton and I was being too hard on myself.  I’m not that easily convincable.  I did create an inspirational Collage for Phil Cheney (my sweetheart).  That was something.  See collage on left.

"Inspirational Positive Rememories"

“Inspirational Positive Rememories”

However, today ~ as beautiful as it is outside with the blowing cold rain and grey skies ~ I decided to sleep past my alarm and on into the morning.  Waking around 9, I made a tiny pot of coffee with cream and agave sauce (it’s delicious), brought in the clothes that were on the line getting rained on, and came back upstairs to my peaceful little room to start working for the day.  Couldn’t get my executive director on the phone, so now I am putting my thoughts into a journal for only a handful of people to explore.

Today will be different because today is not yesterday and it is still very far from tomorrow.  I was wondering this morning what would happen if it was raining all the time and the sun decided never to come out again.  It would be a miserable thing, I tell you, just miserable. I love rainy days, rain, and clouds, and wetness, yet as a human, my inner workings basque in the rays of the sun and they cheer me to the point of singing.  Just the other day I woke up and started singing because the yummy sunlight was pouring in thorough the morning windows and it warmed my soul (if you believe in that sort of thing).

Onward into today.. Coffee, a candle, and a new arrangement of folk art on my walls (check out the next photo.  That’s by Grace Kelly Laster, an amazing travelling artist who graces my walls with beautiful images of feminine,  avian, and celestial images).

Owl Lady Painting in my Room

Owl Lady Painting in my Room

I received this painting from Phil on my birthday unexpectedly, such a lovely surprise.  I’ve filled my world with art and creations from the spirit because it seems to enliven my own.  I enjoy creating art and being an artist.  Singing and playing instruments, playing music with other people, painting on a surface, and appreciating the art that is the nature all around me.  Art by the Universe.  Art of energy.  Art of the seasons.  Poetry of the wind and songs of the ocean.  The theater of the dancing fire within.


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Upon watching the sunset from a warm room.

 

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I began to think about a subject again this afternoon that I discussed this morning in the midst of a crisis that should, in the future, be easily avoided from insight provided by the past.  I think very similarly about Black History Month they way I feel about Valentine’s day (if you haven’t read the earlier post, here’s a quote from that day: “Valentines day is so ridiculous because we should be giving love in such an obscene way EVERY DAY!!”)  This is how I feel about Black History Month.  Why don’t we celebrate famous Black history month all year long? And WHY, my friend pointed out, is it peppered with a bunch of white dudes being commemorated, one of which (ahem.. Washington ((who’s birthday is celebrated today))) owned slaves?   I must say however, the benefit of having Black History Month is beneficial and enlightening to white people, who any other time, may not take the time to be curious about anything but things that concern them… like these facts:  Toni Morrison was born today.  She is the first Black woman to receive the Nobel Prize in Literature.  Read The Song of Solomonit’s a stunning book.  Also today in 1688, Quakers in Germantown, PA adopt the first antislavery resolution in the country.

But it shouldn’t be the federal requirement of a nation to get people to commemorate and appreciate the amazing works, unique history, and fallen heroes of a particular group of people – these things should be celebrated and honored all the time and with equal time and attention as everything else.  The fact that we need a Black History Month just goes to show that we’ve gotten only slightly further down the road towards equality.  (please see: http://www.dayinblackhistory.com/ )

I dedicate my blog today to all the rest of the months in the year that are left lonely without the presence of remembrance and beauty that ALL people embody and present to this world.  I also dedicate my blog today to all the slaves that George Washington owned and only after he was dead were they emancipated.  Sending out love to you, all of our ancestors, and current victims of hate, because you all have stared at a sunset such as this and been mystified at the possibility that some greater power is working to make things right, and if there isn’t such a power, our strength comes from the knowledge and satisfaction that we DO work against inequality and the oppressed will not be as such forever.