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I am forgiven, myself, forgiving myself

For some things take longer to accomplish than the patience within me allows

My judgement is suspended for I said I’d write a poem a day.

The last one was 2 days ago and I refuse to feel remorse.

A while ago I would have riddled myself with guilt and poured on feelings of inadequacy,

but because I’ve given myself room to be imperfect,

my imperfections feel more right, they are okay, they make me smile versus frown.

My dreams realized may be just the life I live – in the moments where I forgive.

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Thank you Dearest Bill for always reminding me of Coyote magic and the power of counting to 10, the strength in being what is, the love in living love and acceptance of the day as it passes and becomes another day.  I have thought of you so much in the past few days and I feel as if your passing was what was supposed to happen and that you were smiling all the way into the next form you’ve taken, whatever that is.  Your energy lives on in so many people as the healer and the figure of inspiration.  I miss you today and send your spirit my thanks and blessings.

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I arrived in the night in a whirlwind of giggles and tears of reunion.

Awoke in a dark room, warm from the heavy comforter and wool South American blanket designed with a red, black, blue, and cream colored geometric design.

After less sleep than normal, I rise.

Venture to the South facing kitchen for tea and hot water for which to make my compress. Yes, I must sit on hot towels to put my pain at ease, to let loose the goop within me to be HEALed.

Although it is cloudy out, I am happy to be in this home.  Still.  Quiet.  Exactly where I am.

The mail has stacked up since Thanksgiving when I exited last.  There are magazines, bills, advertisements, and letters. Dear sweet letters.  One from my sweetheart, from down South in Georgia.  Three from my dear friends in Chapel Hill and Saxapahaw.  I visited Saxapahaw while home for a swift meeting of the loved ones – perfectly timed as it should be, learning lessons of how sweet it is to fall in love all over again with those whom you’ve loved for centuries.  Learning also to understand the process as well as the means and the ends.  Time seems to stretch out when there is no returning home for a long while.  This is the romance of life and the nectar of true longing and contentment.  To miss and to be, all at once.

I sipped my tea and read those letters and cards this morning, smiling at the uniqueness and love in each of them.  Wondering when I will create time to write back.  Eager to put my pen to paper or keys to paper, whichever it may be.  Typewriting surges me with prose and poems as well.  I do like to sit in a big comfy blanket and read poems, or novels, or Mother Earth News.  Although the times this happens have been few and far between, their occurrence will happen again, I am sure.

To all you dear folks, I send to you love from these mountains.  These streams and trails.  These clouds, and these sunny days to come.  May peace be with you during this time of holidays and I hope you all remember to give back that which you have been so blessed.  Service is the action required to fulfill words and works of faith.

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I began to think about a subject again this afternoon that I discussed this morning in the midst of a crisis that should, in the future, be easily avoided from insight provided by the past.  I think very similarly about Black History Month they way I feel about Valentine’s day (if you haven’t read the earlier post, here’s a quote from that day: “Valentines day is so ridiculous because we should be giving love in such an obscene way EVERY DAY!!”)  This is how I feel about Black History Month.  Why don’t we celebrate famous Black history month all year long? And WHY, my friend pointed out, is it peppered with a bunch of white dudes being commemorated, one of which (ahem.. Washington ((who’s birthday is celebrated today))) owned slaves?   I must say however, the benefit of having Black History Month is beneficial and enlightening to white people, who any other time, may not take the time to be curious about anything but things that concern them… like these facts:  Toni Morrison was born today.  She is the first Black woman to receive the Nobel Prize in Literature.  Read The Song of Solomon, it’s a stunning book.  Also today in 1688, Quakers in Germantown, PA adopt the first antislavery resolution in the country.

But it shouldn’t be the federal requirement of a nation to get people to commemorate and appreciate the amazing works, unique history, and fallen heroes of a particular group of people – these things should be celebrated and honored all the time and with equal time and attention as everything else.  The fact that we need a Black History Month just goes to show that we’ve gotten only slightly further down the road towards equality.  (please see: http://www.dayinblackhistory.com/ )

I dedicate my blog today to all the rest of the months in the year that are left lonely without the presence of remembrance and beauty that ALL people embody and present to this world.  I also dedicate my blog today to all the slaves that George Washington owned and only after he was dead were they emancipated.  Sending out love to you, all of our ancestors, and current victims of hate, because you all have stared at a sunset such as this and been mystified at the possibility that some greater power is working to make things right, and if there isn’t such a power, our strength comes from the knowledge and satisfaction that we DO work against inequality and the oppressed will not be as such forever.

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“I awoke today and found the frost perched on the town.”  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z3EofN3Flag More than frost today Joni, SNOW is FALLING and I made sure the whole (nearby) neighborhood knew about it at 7:30 this Saturday morning.  Snow is so magical and beautiful, each snowflake actually IS a divine, unique thing…

Yesterday, watching an 8 year old and a 1.5 year old is a ton of fun.  I was sad to go home, but I had to get some work done, and that can’t happen with, “NiNi! What would you like to order from the Kevi Kitchen?!” coming in every 5 minutes. 🙂  There’s something about writing this journal that makes me feel really good and I haven’t been, up to this point, in the last couple of years, been able to sustain a journal or diary.. all the while killing myself with guilt that I didn’t have any follow through.

My inner voice is a mean one.  I talk to myself in a more stern, mean, impatient, and unaccepting way than I would talk to anyone (much less people I love!) and I’ve decided that this has to change.  I’m trying to make this change, understanding that it’s a process, not a destination.  Isn’t that the lesson of life anyway, to enjoy the process because there IS no destination or final resting point?  That’s not the way energy works.

Ponder this.

Along that vein, in this day in history in 1932, the 1st patent issued for a tree, went to James Markham for a peach tree.  That whole process is now being fought by another process.  I don’t believe in purity or pristine anything to do with human creation, divine creation or an original thought. Everything at this point has been touched or manipulated by human existence on this earth, and everything we’ve done or experienced up to this point leads us to the thoughts we come up with.  This leads me to 2 points: 1. nothing should be owned, personal ownership leads to greed…therefore I don’t believe in borders  and 2. Seeds and the natural world should not be patented or owned… the race to the top for money and material wealth is destroying this planet and us as a collective species – and THERE IS NO END POINT!  The process that I am finding joy in now, is the reclaiming of this mentality, the community, the rights of workers, the love of the planet and the genuine love of all beings.  I AM all beings, I am finding the courage to say so and act on it.  Happy February 16th, the first day of the rest of your life.  What are you FOR?

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I watched “Milk” last night and it was a tear-jerker.  What a beautiful movie, what an amazing person.  Harvey Milk.  Wow.  Read his hope speech.  It’s absolutely pertinent just as much now as it was then, http://voicesofdemocracy.umd.edu/milk-youve-got-to-have-hope-speech-text/

The sun came up again today and it poured in through the windows as the sun rose above trees from across the street.  I live in a rural area in North Carolina.  In the morning, the sweetest peacefulness of frost on the ground and the chilly, brisk air is enough to make me smile.  I had to wake up early to go babysit my two nephews.  We’ve been having a blast all morning.  Check out our awesome skills.

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Kevi is the oldest, he’s 8.  Joey is going to turn 2 in June.  Kevi started reading Moby Dick this morning (the kids’ illustrated version) and Joey drooled on his new book, “What Penguins Do”.  I love to give them books and see just how long their attention spans last.  Kevi got through one paragraph and Joey ran after a moose after 5 minutes.  Cute.

I’ll do a historical reflection in a blog later today.  Right now I have boys to look after.

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Victory and success for the local T-Birds was had last night during trivia @ The Eddy in Saxapahaw.  Our team won and it was a really good time.  I made Valentines for my new good neighbor friends.  Modgepodge and magazine cutouts, crafts zone at my house was inspired by riding by The Sparrow House (a house down the road that should be named the Peacock House) and seeing hearts and lights everywhere.

Traditionally, I’m not a fan of Valentines day, so I go into work and use the Hallmark occasion to make a few extra bucks.  I’ve been a waitress, bartender, dishwasher, or cook since I was 14.  Valentines day is so ridiculous because we should be giving love in such an obscene way EVERY DAY!!

In other news, in 1920 on this day The League of Women Voters was established in Chicago.  Also, Feb. 14, 1847, Anna Howard Shaw, one of the most influential leaders of the women’s suffrage movement, was born.  The coalition for Fair (publicly funded) Elections is made up of many organizations, mine being one of them (Democracy Matters) and the League of Women Voters is another.  I am very happy to be able to say that I a m a part of such an amazing coalition, working for change in this country.  Getting private and corporate wealth out of the election system is our goal – as it stands right now, all politicians (no matter how wonderful or terrible they may be) are indebted to the people who pay for their elections and the SUPERPACs that support them.  On Valentines today in New York, Valentines are being distributed to elected officials for their support of Fair Elections and we will hopefully see some substantial changes, and soon.

Craving, if you were wondering is the name of today’s post for two reasons: 1. I’m hungry, this is to be mediated shortly. and 2. I was missing the voice of my dear friend who just moved to Thailand.  I spoke to her this morning and it was a delight.

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Sending Valentines love from across the world is a lovely way to start your day.  I also received a very special e-mail from my sweetheart telling me how sweet I am and how much he loves me, he doesn’t just do this on Valentines day. So I’m pretty lucky. 🙂  I made him a card last night too, a hilarious one that is not only a hand-made card, but it’s an awesome, hand-made pop-out card.

So happy V-Day everyone, from your local, typical and loving,

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