As of late, I have been learning some very important information about myself. This information comes from years and years and years, perhaps my entire lifetime of searching for something that I could not find. I could not grasp. I would venture and dare to say that it was held back from me, until the right time, which is now. I can’t tell you anything that has meant more to me than the realization that an aspect of my personality, learned as a very, very young child has come to the forefront of my awareness. I was first introduced to the notion of codependency about 3 1/2 weeks ago. At first I was completely turned off by the term. I was in a therapy session and the term offended me. I said out loud, “codependency? That’s not me. Fuck that! I’m not my mother!” Right after I said that, ironically, I softened, felt guilty for expressing my feelings to my therapist (ha!), and accepted the book my therapist handed me. I didn’t realize what I was opening myself to. Just reaching across the room, with the curiosity I seem to have an insatiable amount of, has changed my worldview. I took the book home and devoured it. I read and highlighted that book with fervor that I can only express as a voracious need to heal, because I have work to do. I have a world around me and somehow I feel driven to be an agent of change. I have so much gratitude for the support and love of everyone in my life. Right now however, for the first time, I am showing up for me. I’ve been showing up for everyone else for so long and I can only do the work of fighting for true justice if I can give justice to myself. The small child inside me deserves justice just like all the other children in this world deserve it. All of the other children and children of children and adults who are still children. We don’t deserve to stay broken, and this journey is helping me put the pieces back together. Whether you have experienced sexual, emotional, or physical neglect and/or abuse, if you resonate with anything that I’m saying right now, please listen to this podcast and take notes on the resources that are discussed. I will further explain and update about this process. The eternal, or rather seemingly eternal replay of self deprecating words and thoughts to myself and about myself are slowly beginning to dissipate. I feel more liberated right now than I have ever, I am crying right now just saying these words out loud. I lived in fear most of my life, and I am sure that surprises most of you, because what you’ve seen throughout the years is a glimmer of who I am but also a very clear view of who I wanted you to see. The conflicted person who, I should say this with gentleness, very much hated herself and thought she deserved nothing was very much ashamed. Through much sorrow, they say, comes much joy. (insert Kahlil Gibran quote here http://www.katsandogz.com/onjoy.html)
I don’t know that “Joy” very well at all. I learned very early on that nobody and nothing in this world was safe. I learned this before I was two years old. I learned it over and over again, in fact, I was learning it up until three weeks ago. Thankfully, my grandparents offered temporary respite from the world I lived in as a little girl. Even more thankfully, I am offering respite to myself now. I’ve only seen the shadow of joy and I want to truly experience it and relinquish my need for control (out of fear that I might lose it), this I am working on. Sending all of you so much love and appreciation, and yet also I am now beginning to send myself the same love and appreciation. Again I have work to do, and I may only get this lifetime to be aware of it.
For some things take longer to accomplish than the patience within me allows
My judgement is suspended for I said I’d write a poem a day.
The last one was 2 days ago and I refuse to feel remorse.
A while ago I would have riddled myself with guilt and poured on feelings of inadequacy,
but because I’ve given myself room to be imperfect,
my imperfections feel more right, they are okay, they make me smile versus frown.
My dreams realized may be just the life I live – in the moments where I forgive.
Thank you Dearest Bill for always reminding me of Coyote magic and the power of counting to 10, the strength in being what is, the love in living love and acceptance of the day as it passes and becomes another day. I have thought of you so much in the past few days and I feel as if your passing was what was supposed to happen and that you were smiling all the way into the next form you’ve taken, whatever that is. Your energy lives on in so many people as the healer and the figure of inspiration. I miss you today and send your spirit my thanks and blessings.
I arrived in the night in a whirlwind of giggles and tears of reunion.
Awoke in a dark room, warm from the heavy comforter and wool South American blanket designed with a red, black, blue, and cream colored geometric design.
After less sleep than normal, I rise.
Venture to the South facing kitchen for tea and hot water for which to make my compress. Yes, I must sit on hot towels to put my pain at ease, to let loose the goop within me to be HEALed.
Although it is cloudy out, I am happy to be in this home. Still. Quiet. Exactly where I am.
The mail has stacked up since Thanksgiving when I exited last. There are magazines, bills, advertisements, and letters. Dear sweet letters. One from my sweetheart, from down South in Georgia. Three from my dear friends in Chapel Hill and Saxapahaw. I visited Saxapahaw while home for a swift meeting of the loved ones – perfectly timed as it should be, learning lessons of how sweet it is to fall in love all over again with those whom you’ve loved for centuries. Learning also to understand the process as well as the means and the ends. Time seems to stretch out when there is no returning home for a long while. This is the romance of life and the nectar of true longing and contentment. To miss and to be, all at once.
I sipped my tea and read those letters and cards this morning, smiling at the uniqueness and love in each of them. Wondering when I will create time to write back. Eager to put my pen to paper or keys to paper, whichever it may be. Typewriting surges me with prose and poems as well. I do like to sit in a big comfy blanket and read poems, or novels, or Mother Earth News. Although the times this happens have been few and far between, their occurrence will happen again, I am sure.
To all you dear folks, I send to you love from these mountains. These streams and trails. These clouds, and these sunny days to come. May peace be with you during this time of holidays and I hope you all remember to give back that which you have been so blessed. Service is the action required to fulfill words and works of faith.
I began to think about a subject again this afternoon that I discussed this morning in the midst of a crisis that should, in the future, be easily avoided from insight provided by the past. I think very similarly about Black History Month they way I feel about Valentine’s day (if you haven’t read the earlier post, here’s a quote from that day: “Valentines day is so ridiculous because we should be giving love in such an obscene way EVERY DAY!!”) This is how I feel about Black History Month. Why don’t we celebrate famous Black history month all year long? And WHY, my friend pointed out, is it peppered with a bunch of white dudes being commemorated, one of which (ahem.. Washington ((who’s birthday is celebrated today))) owned slaves? I must say however, the benefit of having Black History Month is beneficial and enlightening to white people, who any other time, may not take the time to be curious about anything but things that concern them… like these facts: Toni Morrison was born today. She is the first Black woman to receive the Nobel Prize in Literature. Read The Song of Solomon, it’s a stunning book. Also today in 1688, Quakers in Germantown, PA adopt the first antislavery resolution in the country.
But it shouldn’t be the federal requirement of a nation to get people to commemorate and appreciate the amazing works, unique history, and fallen heroes of a particular group of people – these things should be celebrated and honored all the time and with equal time and attention as everything else. The fact that we need a Black History Month just goes to show that we’ve gotten only slightly further down the road towards equality. (please see: http://www.dayinblackhistory.com/ )
I dedicate my blog today to all the rest of the months in the year that are left lonely without the presence of remembrance and beauty that ALL people embody and present to this world. I also dedicate my blog today to all the slaves that George Washington owned and only after he was dead were they emancipated. Sending out love to you, all of our ancestors, and current victims of hate, because you all have stared at a sunset such as this and been mystified at the possibility that some greater power is working to make things right, and if there isn’t such a power, our strength comes from the knowledge and satisfaction that we DO work against inequality and the oppressed will not be as such forever.
“I awoke today and found the frost perched on the town.” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z3EofN3Flag More than frost today Joni, SNOW is FALLING and I made sure the whole (nearby) neighborhood knew about it at 7:30 this Saturday morning. Snow is so magical and beautiful, each snowflake actually IS a divine, unique thing…
Yesterday, watching an 8 year old and a 1.5 year old is a ton of fun. I was sad to go home, but I had to get some work done, and that can’t happen with, “NiNi! What would you like to order from the Kevi Kitchen?!” coming in every 5 minutes. 🙂 There’s something about writing this journal that makes me feel really good and I haven’t been, up to this point, in the last couple of years, been able to sustain a journal or diary.. all the while killing myself with guilt that I didn’t have any follow through.
My inner voice is a mean one. I talk to myself in a more stern, mean, impatient, and unaccepting way than I would talk to anyone (much less people I love!) and I’ve decided that this has to change. I’m trying to make this change, understanding that it’s a process, not a destination. Isn’t that the lesson of life anyway, to enjoy the process because there IS no destination or final resting point? That’s not the way energy works.
Ponder this.
Along that vein, in this day in history in 1932, the 1st patent issued for a tree, went to James Markham for a peach tree. That whole process is now being fought by another process. I don’t believe in purity or pristine anything to do with human creation, divine creation or an original thought. Everything at this point has been touched or manipulated by human existence on this earth, and everything we’ve done or experienced up to this point leads us to the thoughts we come up with. This leads me to 2 points: 1. nothing should be owned, personal ownership leads to greed…therefore I don’t believe in borders and 2. Seeds and the natural world should not be patented or owned… the race to the top for money and material wealth is destroying this planet and us as a collective species – and THERE IS NO END POINT! The process that I am finding joy in now, is the reclaiming of this mentality, the community, the rights of workers, the love of the planet and the genuine love of all beings. I AM all beings, I am finding the courage to say so and act on it. Happy February 16th, the first day of the rest of your life. What are you FOR?
