anitalorraine.com

Musician and Activist devoted to Justice, Creativity, and Courage


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TuesDayNewsDay Vol. 1, Issue 8 November 27 2018

Prayer I wrote after my therapy appointment on Monday before I went to sleep. 

TuesDayNewsDay Vol.1, Issue 8 November 27th, 2018

 

Quote(s): “How much time are you willing to invest in someone who doesn’t/can’t show up for you when you need them?” Good question.  (This is my therapist asking me this question about people to whom I am often romantically attracted. So many of them are seemingly unavailable in some way, shape, or form.)

Song: Do You Dream – Jonathan Byrd  Pretty funny, I have so many songs of his stuck in my head all the time.  Could be ’cause I get to see him almost weekly down at the Kraken.  It’s a treat; if you live anywhere nearby and you’ve never been, please go and listen, participate, and enjoy the magic. This particular song was written by Matt Fockler – a man, according to Jonathan, would rather not be famous, but he writes breathtaking songs.

Dedication: I dedicate this week’s TuesDayNewsDay to my unending friend and supporter Michelle D.  She is always up in this blog and I love her dearly.  This is the kind of person who I would NEVER doubt I could call if need be.  I look forward to spending some good time with her soon for the holiday season (which I’m not fond of, but I do it for my friends ~ haha).

Dear Humans,  This week I am super excited about getting better! Last week I wasn’t able to write and I’m proud of myself for not feeling obligated to TuesDayNewsDay to the detriment of my health! Many lessons have been learned over the course of the last two weeks.  The lessons involve love and creativity, priorities and appreciation.

LOVE, PRIORITIES ~So, you know one thing I miss about being in a relationship with someone? The snuggling.  (Head out of the gutters you gigglers you!)  These last two weeks have been riddled in pain and sickness.  There’s nothing I would like better than to snuggle with someone in my socks and pajamas, someone to bring me chicken soup and who’d scratch my head as I’m falling asleep.  That said, Pepita and I did just fine. ~ The lessons of this longing is that it is only that, an emotion, a desire, something that I can provide for myself and when the time comes and the Sacred Spirit deems it’s the right time, I’ll get myself some good snugglin’.  I’ve met people who I think I’m attracted to, but I have learned to listen to myself and to discern those questions, “Is this a good idea?” If you have to ask, more than likely you ought to be saying nope REAL quick.  I learned about attraction and priorities.  I’ve made a goal to focus my energy on spending time with people who I KNOW appreciate my company, those with whom I don’t have to guess… In a repeat pattern of constantly performing or even unconsciously scheming for my mothers attention or appreciation, in my attraction of most (not all) people so far, it has been with those whom I recognize energetically as a mirror of that circumstance.  Until I can stop this energetic pattern, I am destined to learn this lesson over and over again.  Detaching with love is something I am learning to do – the concept is good, but difficult in application without some sort of spiritual base in self-love.  That is what I am working on.  Both simultaneously? Other resources if you find your are in love with an addict or have an addict/mental health issue/unknown-unnameable struggle with someone you love:

Understanding Detachment

♥Attracting Healthy Relationships

CREATIVITY, APPRECIATION ~ So you know that moment when you’re “in the zone” or all of a sudden, you’ve got to write something down because it’s coming straight from Source, or the Sacred Spirit?  I have this happen as a songwriter and as a creative person.  If I get a lyric or idea to pop into my head, I have to make sure I at least jot it down and if circumstance allows, I go with it, pick up my guitar and start putting words to music in minutes.  Or while I’m sewing, drawing, painting or organizing space, that’s the zone I’m talking about.  What works for you? That’s what I want to apply to the “difficult” part of my music business, or even more generally, my life business.  The business of my life.  I’m going to Al-Anon weekly, therapy weekly, meeting with my Al-Anon sponsor weekly, playing shows with different amalgamations of bands, mentoring students with Democracy Matters and doing guest speaking, going to as many political involvement meetings/actions as I can, writing this newsletter, walking every day (except when I’ve been sick), and of late, preparing with paperwork etc to start teaching at Alamance Community College   (If you don’t recognize this link, you should most definitely see Bull Durham, the movie, as soon as possible.)  That’s a lot.  Maggie says my schedule gives her anxiety.  Sometimes it does me too, but mostly it feels good to have my income from several different sources and to be prioritizing my mental health for the first time in my life.  Today I had a wonderful workshop with my friend Christine focusing on identifying one’s purpose and tapping into the Sacred Spirit to inform my life decisions.  I’m going to sit with that for a while.

Musically, I have been creative of late.  I have two new songs and exciting plans for several shows coming up.  My two new songs are not diametrically opposed, but they do contradict one another in ways.  “The Butterflies of Love” is about how we feel in the beginning of a crush, when we don’t need to know anything else other than we feel SO good!  “There’s someone who’s been on my mind.  My heart skips a beat every time.  The way I feel for him, it’s plain.  This fire I can barely contain.”  The other, “Skipping Heart Stones” is about how it feels to be ghosted.  That feeling sucks. “Trains don’t wait, they never say goodbye.  This heart in knots and tied.  Time has made us ghosts tonight, and all I can do is cry.”  Skipping Heart Stones is the first song I’ve written on the ukulele in a while.  Many thanks to my late friend Ben Clark for that beautiful instrument gift.  I miss him being in this world.  I’ll record these songs and share them with you all sometime soon!  I’m going to play them at the #NightmareXmasPajamaJam with Crystal Bright and Emily Musolino December 19th.  Come on out.  We’ll be at the Cats Cradle Backroom.  ❤  Our photo shoot was awesome.  Check out the photos from this week for teasers!

Thanksgiving was nice.  I enjoyed spending time with the grandparents, sister and bro-in-law, nieces and nephews.  Eating with my adopted family was lovely also, so much food.  They have the tradition of going around the table and saying for what they are thankful.  Always a teary-eyed tradition.  Then got to go to a chill Saxapahooligan Friendsgiving evening where there was a fire, music, and I was gifted a banjo from our host Michael.  Awesome gift, can’t wait to play it.  I’ll soon be listening to Rhiannon Giddens for some tips!

#LivingQueryOfTheWeek : Do you believe that the Universe or Spirit or God or Goddess or whatever is working on your behalf?     I am challenged by this notion, but I see how it could be beneficial in living life.  (Currently pondering this very concept.  I’ll get back with ya.) 😉

Upcoming Shows:

Fri, November 30th – Anita Lorraine with Bruce Horvath https://tinyurl.com/StoneSoupShow  7:00-9:00pm, Saxapahaw @ #TheEddyPub (This is a benefit for SAFE – please bring canned veggies, 1 pound bags of rice or pinto beans, boxes of macaroni and cheese, any kind of pasta, pasta sauce, hamburger helper, called fruits, canned tuna, non-food stamp items: laundry detergent, dish soap, shampoo,  kleenex, toilet paper, dog and cat food.  ALL tips from this event will also be going to SAFE.  Please come, even if you can only drop in to donate food items, all is appreciated.)

Fri, December 14th – Singing with Radars Clowns of Sedation at the Kraken! Special Guest Will Easter – Last Clown show of the YEAR!

Wed, December 19th – #NightmareXmasPajamaJam – Crystal Bright headlining, Emily Musolino and Anita Lorraine opening! Special guests, Robert Griffin and many many more! PS Im going to sing my favorite xmas song, it rhymes with finch and is about a furry green creature who tortures a whole town obsessed with Christmas.

This week in pictures:

Online workshop with Christine Clifton today!Hilarious meme from Jessica Lanyadoo, one of my favorite astrologers. Thanks to Jill Boogie for that turn on! Me and Pepita snuggling in ALL the pajamas.Stayin’ hydrated in my socks.Photoshoot score – photo by Chad Perry of C Perry Studios!I love hair and makeup.  ❤ so fun.Me n Bruce playing at the Bottle and Can last Thursday.  Photo credit my friend David who came to visit over the weekend.  We ate sushi like a buncha bosses on Saturday night before I was accosted with the sickness. Another great shot courtesy of David.  A drawering from after I read a letter from a dear friend in Alabama.  I’ll be sending this to him in the mail.New book I’m excited about reading.  Also, if you haven’t listened to “Thank U” by Alanis Morrisette lately, I would highly suggest it.  This re-visitation was as per suggestion of Rook at the coffee shop, totally worth every moment. The oldest niece and two nephews.  We trotted about Saxapahaw the day after Thanskgiving.  I refuse to shop, so I get to look after this crew while the fam battles lines to buy stuff. I’d rather hang with these hooligans. Full moon over Saxapahaw.  Happy birthday to my friend Ernest! Such wonderful friends.  Chocolate.  Books.  Soup.  Love.

Remember y’all.  Take care of yourselves in the midst of this world we live in. If you are not whole, you can not help heal the whole world.  ❤ ❤


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AnitaLorraine’s TuesDayNewsDay, Vol. 1, Issue 1 ~ October 2, 2018

TuesDayNewsDay

AnitaLorraineMoore

“Learn to handle the valleys Quincy, the hills will take care of themselves.” -Count Basie to Quincy Jones

Dear Humans,

Here comes the new Anita Moore newsletter every Tuesday describing what’s going on with me musically, emotionally/intellectually, creatively, and about life in general and things that move, touch or inspire me. We’ll start with a #freshquote and dedication – the #LivingQueryoftheWeek (respond in the comment section) and #UpcomingShows !!

Dedication: Auspiciously, my late brother Skip used to start a new journal on October 1 every year. This issue is dedicated to him. I miss him so much.

Over the last few weeks, there’ve been a lot of life events that have given me great pause. My 96 year old great aunt Helen passed and I sang a few songs for her funeral, I dealt with a staph infection, and my grandfather had pretty serious surgery to unblock his carotid artery (with him being in the hospital it inevitably means that my grandmother’s going to be on edge as well – they are attached at the hip quite literally. It’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.) Lastly, the Supreme Court fiasco has triggered many feelings of anger, helplessness, and memories of not being believed, invalidation, and being ridiculed by my mother starting at the age of 7. Call your Senators people. Vote them out if they don’t act upon your testimonies. We cannot allow the perpetuation of this behavior with silence.

I’m working part time with Democracy Matters and have 10 wonderful chapters of students who are doing amazing awareness raising work from Florida to New York. Syracuse University, Gettysburg, University of Maryland, North Carolina Central University, a new chapter at UNC, Guilford college, the University of Miami, the University of Georgia in Athens, University of Florida in Gainesville, and the New College of Florida.

Music has given me quite a bit of inspiration. I am so honored and grateful to have been able to open that door when I did. Many, many other doors have opened subsequently from that divine choice.  This past weekend, I got to perform three shows w/Pete Pawsey. Sunday at the Carrboro music festival, I was a complete rockstar and dressed the part too! With the Radar Clowns – On that day an amazing five piece horn section, smooth piano, energetic drums, and rockin’ Pete on the guitar, I sang my heart out on several songs and we had so much wonderful reception. I felt very tuned in at that moment and realized how happy I am to have started this journey when I did. Thank you all for supporting me. I could not do it without you.

In my personal, therapeutic journey, I have learned a lot about myself and about my motivations for work, life decisions, and habitual responses that honestly I would like to alter for the betterment of my sanity and for the world in general around me. I found that I was doing political service work in such a way that I was avoiding my own process of healing and/or avoiding my own historical traumatic struggle. I was unknowingly convinced that the world was easier to fix than my pain. Well… I am not doing that anymore. I have begun to prioritize my own mental health and establishing boundaries. Going to an Al-Anon meeting weekly, I just began working with my first sponsor. I’ve been doing cognitive behavioral therapy weekly, implementing EMDR sessions throughout. There is a book I’ve decided to write, for which I have begun gathering sources. The album concept is complete and I have all but two songs completely recorded in a demo. Right now I am compiling a list of accompaniment and considering different production styles and offers. I have applied for a potential teaching position at Alamance Community College – critical thinking. *fingers crossed* PS: I love lists.

My struggles have been with food lately and maintaining some semblance of exercise. I’ve been paying more attention to patterns, realizing that hormonally there are some disturbances at certain times of the month when I become desperate, hopeless, depressed, irritated and lethargic. To start, going on morning walks has been really helpful. Waking up early to watch the sunrise is a blessing; I had forgotten how beautiful the sunrise is. This morning it was an amalgamation of all sorts of pinks, purples, and yellows and blue-grey clouds. The moon has also been especially haunting in a good way lately, happy October! *groovy happy dance*  

At this very moment I am sitting on what Bruce calls “the magic rock”, where the creek bends and the water forms soothing sounds. Birds are chirping all around and the crickets are playing their endless tiny violin songs.

With Love, because it saves the world,

ALM

#LivingQueryoftheWeek : What is your most effective tool for self-love/self-care?

 

 

Upcoming Shows:

  • Sat, October 20th – w/Radar Clowns, Rain Dogs by Tom Waits Theme
  • Fri, November 2nd – w/Radar Clowns – Day of the Dead Show
    • 8:00pm, Hillsborough @ #MysteryBrewingCompany
  • Sat, November 3rd – Me-n-Pete Duo
    • 7:15pm, Star, NC @ #StarworksCafeTaproom
  • Sun, November 4th – w/Radar Clowns, Rain Dogs by Tom Waits Theme
    • 3:00-5:00pm, Pittsboro @ #CITYTAPPITTSBORO
  • Fri, November 30th – Anita Lorraine with Bruce Horvath

 


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Fundraiser Starts Today!! Help me to make my first album!! 🎶💜💓💜🙏💜💓💜🎶

www.gofundme.com/anitalorrainemusic

Poem about the process and #SurrenderingtotheSacred continued from the last episode to catch yall up:

The Mystery Still

They used to call that old white lightning “moonshine” in these hills

How many lips of other those words or family ties it breaks and kills

Strawberry apple pie or dark cherry kinds

But I found a new flavor my fingers and heart longed to find

Paid heed to the unanswered questions I spent too much time tryin to answer

Somewhere down the line I met a spirit and she bade me to release her

She gave me the keys to an old wooden shed

Her hair was long and dark, she was only 3 and her granddad’s hair was red

She came from the deep, A dark despair trail of loneliness

She rows up from the ashes and held me through the hunger and distress

In that shed, she showed me the silver, the copper and the gold

She showed me the jewels inside me, once I thought I couldn’t hold

She said the way it worked was this,

“you fill it up here and it makes a little hiss,

What you put in it is who you’ve been

What comes out that mystery still is your destiny, my friend”

The mystery still, a belly full of unknown

Stands in that shed just waiting to be blown

Open side, all the ingredients are there

You

“You just gotta believe” she said, “in yourself, if you dare”

I’ll show you the way cause you couldn’t even see

No matter how hard you tried, that spirit… What will be will be

“and that’s the magic” she said to me

Of sacred mysteries that come from pain and grief

Do you know her name, down this path you must go

Of surrender and sorrow of joy you can know

This still don’t make moonshine, but the Moonglows here still

Upon deep waters, wet and a tear stained two dollar bill

The birds are all calling and cannot be boxed in

Your dreams are free and aloof just like the wind

Ask for them to come and to you they will find

Their way through the core, the ground, from the mines

The caves you dug a long time ago

We’re dug by the same shovel that now makes you grow

This girl she smiled, as I sat down in awe

Bowed my head in silence, in reverence; I had no flaws

Suddenly I was sacred when I drink from that still

I’d learn the hard way, then she screamed, her voice hard and shrill

“your mantle, your fireside, your magic, I live inside.

You must off and stoke the fire and feed me” she cried

You never are done, don’t think you’ve made it

Each day, remember to keep the right flame lit

Don’t let it go out, else you’ll have to start over

And axe to this still, and your spirit sinks lower

Out of reach, out of time, out of luck, out of rhymes

Just put back on your skates and roll outside all the lines

You’re still is your own,

Every seed you have soon

Weights and yearns for your return

Build another fire to burn

If you still don’t know what this still is about

Think of a soul, longing to get out

As in distill, intoxicate your beautiful self

With the mystery of what is, take it down off the shelf

You open a portal and let spirit in

You release your control over who it is you’ve been

That little girl who showed me the way

She’s a firestarter, pyromaniac it play

She can blow up some shit because she knows no better

But refined… She is genius and shakes her tail feather

The horizon cannot hold her, this child of God and Moore

She put in the time and said Grace for her store

This mystery still she’s found out how to use

Is a vertical prayer, open to gnosis and truth

I’m learning to use it, growing day by day

Excepting my feelings, no judgment, and a loving and kind away

As she hand me the keys and I return to make my shine

She lies back, relaxes and daydreams all the time

I long to filter out what I’ve been told versus what I know

My innermost yearnings, the balance, the flow

The gut, the tingles, the pangs and the blood is still warm

I’ll tell me the truth, like a pouring down storm

It’s like talking to God, From a sacred, me – shaped telephone booth

The mystery still takes me, shapes me, and provides me with the truth


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I am not ashamed. I am learning.

As of late, I have been learning some very important information about myself. This information comes from years and years and years, perhaps my entire lifetime of searching for something that I could not find. I could not grasp. I would venture and dare to say that it was held back from me, until the right time, which is now. I can’t tell you anything that has meant more to me than the realization that an aspect of my personality, learned as a very, very young child has come to the forefront of my awareness. I was first introduced to the notion of codependency about 3 1/2 weeks ago. At first I was completely turned off by the term. I was in a therapy session and the term offended me. I said out loud, “codependency? That’s not me. Fuck that! I’m not my mother!” Right after I said that, ironically, I softened, felt guilty for expressing my feelings to my therapist (ha!), and accepted the book my therapist handed me. I didn’t realize what I was opening myself to. Just reaching across the room, with the curiosity I seem to have an insatiable amount of, has changed my worldview. I took the book home and devoured it. I read and highlighted that book with fervor that I can only express as a voracious need to heal, because I have work to do. I have a world around me and somehow I feel driven to be an agent of change. I have so much gratitude for the support and love of everyone in my life. Right now however, for the first time, I am showing up for me. I’ve been showing up for everyone else for so long and I can only do the work of fighting for true justice if I can give justice to myself. The small child inside me deserves justice just like all the other children in this world deserve it. All of the other children and children of children and adults who are still children. We don’t deserve to stay broken, and this journey is helping me put the pieces back together. Whether you have experienced sexual, emotional, or physical neglect and/or abuse, if you resonate with anything that I’m saying right now, please listen to this podcast and take notes on the resources that are discussed. I will further explain and update about this process. The eternal, or rather seemingly eternal replay of self deprecating words and thoughts to myself and about myself are slowly beginning to dissipate. I feel more liberated right now than I have ever, I am crying right now just saying these words out loud. I lived in fear most of my life, and I am sure that surprises most of you, because what you’ve seen throughout the years is a glimmer of who I am but also a very clear view of who I wanted you to see. The conflicted person who, I should say this with gentleness, very much hated herself and thought she deserved nothing was very much ashamed. Through much sorrow, they say, comes much joy. (insert Kahlil Gibran quote here http://www.katsandogz.com/onjoy.html)

 I don’t know that “Joy” very well at all. I learned very early on that nobody and nothing in this world was safe. I learned this before I was two years old. I learned it over and over again, in fact, I was learning it up until three weeks ago. Thankfully, my grandparents offered temporary respite from the world I lived in as a little girl. Even more thankfully, I am offering respite to myself now.  I’ve only seen the shadow of joy and I want to truly experience it and relinquish my need for control (out of fear that I might lose it), this I am working on. Sending all of you so much love and appreciation, and yet also I am now beginning to send myself the same love and appreciation. Again I have work to do, and I may only get this lifetime to be aware of it.

http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/codependency-no-more-podcast/e/42583301

https://www.google.com/amp/www.goodtherapy.org/blog/wounded-attachment-relationships-of-survivors-of-childhood-sexual-assault-0627135/amp/

Careful with this one, very explicit: https://ritualabuse.us/research/sexual-abuse/how-childhood-sexual-abuse-affects-interpersonal-relationships/


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All night long 4/3/15

As the sun rays were warming the trees in the morning of Colorado skies,

I was kissing the air in thanks that I was still breathing.

As the snow effortlessly perched on top of all the green things,

I walked around the block, ran a bit, then slowed down to be grateful once again.

As the woodpecker pecked at the top of a light pole,

I stopped to gaze and wonder.

As this journey moves ever further,

I realize that it is where I have never been.

As I begin to understand the little truths and the big questions

I ask more and more and will play with a spring in my step,

as the snow perches on a blade of grass,

to melt,

to evaporate,

to become snow once more.

snow in denver morning 4:3:15


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Wow and a New Day

As of right now, I feel elated and energized.  A snowstorm is settling into our little mountain, accumulating inches on the banisters and unburned wood stacked outside.   I just got off the phone with my dear best friend up here and she is so glad to hear of the news I am going to share with you!  I live a privileged life, there is no doubt.  I cannot say how much I appreciate everything that surrounds me and is presented into my world.  This morning, I realized a new start can come from unexpected play, grand events without planning.

Things are tasting better, feeling better and looking up.  My health is important and I will soon have some of the implements to see a more healthy me emerge from within the cave I harness.  Soon there will be juicing and more solid exercise.  More love to share.

Today I will do yoga and practice Spanish.  Tomorrow I will do yoga and practice guitar.  Guitar lesson this Thursday, I’ve been practicing a pentatonic scale in E.  Super bluesey.  The day after that I will do yoga and the Brazilian Butt Lift!! 😉 Cause I need it… I started writing a new song and I talked about that last time.  I’m going to work on that too.  Feeling good.


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Coming in from the cold

10423654_10101519858563348_4963391871808647311_nWatching a cat roll around in catnip is extremely enjoyable. There, now that that’s out I can start this post and get out what’s been trying to exit from me.  I enjoyed watching the late night showing of the Hobbit last night.  A dear friend from Saxapahaw, NC came to visit me up here in Beech Mountain for the first time and all because we’d vowed to one another that we would watch the Hobbit together before it left the theaters.  We made good on our promise.  The journey to Johnson City, Tennessee was about an hour-long and dear Peter joined us thankfully he was able to leave work before midnight.  The three of us trekked into the windy roads of Highway 19 in the dark and made it home safely with all of our precious cargo.

This morning, I had intended to sleep in, yet that was not accomplished.  I only slept until about 8:45 and have been awake from then on.  I made breakfast for my friend and we watched Saturday morning cartoons and drank a few mimosas before he had to head back down the mountain.  The quiet snow is falling outside and it made my friend feel some trepidation, yet he ended up getting out just fine and took me to the mercantile so that I might consume some vittles for lunch before heading out for a walk back home in the 25 degree, powdery weather.  Saying goodbye to my friend, I was sad to see him go.  His visit was short but hopefully next time around we’ll have more time to explore the mountain.

The point of this post is to say that I went for my hike today and came across two very beautiful, medium-sized dogs.  At first, I was startled, they were not on leashes, but I put out my hand and stopped my advancing toward them and let them come to me.  Proper dog manners.  They were at first sniffers and seemingly nervous, but in a moment’s time they were snarfing and leaning and wagging all over.  One was dark curly brown and the other had big spots and was gorgeous and sort of striped, but big stripes of grey and brown with white mainly.  I look up to see the owner and it was someone I know.  After talking to this person briefly and ending the conversation with, “There is always something to be grateful for, have a beautiful afternoon.”  I walked away and turned my thoughts inward.

I must say the rest of the walk calmed me.  I took several photos of the stunning winter scenery and was sure to take each step slowly and contemplatively. The pristine path had not been trodden since the snow had fallen, except for deer and bird tracks.  I even saw the remnants of a woodpeckers work on my favorite Boo Radley tree.  There were fresh wood chips all around the back side of that old, dead tree, and on the other side, the gaping hole I could fit in if desired.  I will put gifts in there, if to no one else then to the tree himself.

I just remembered that while I was eating lunch I was reading a magazine about survival in the Smokies during the winter.  “Will” was the word the editor used in her column.  The will to create things, to live, and to do what your “will be done”.  I am convinced right now that I have the will to get several things accomplished today that I neglected this week and WILL be prepared on Monday to be as badass as I can be, even with a few hours of guitar and Spanish practice to boot.  I just made a fresh batch of kombucha and will be enjoying my freshly bottled elderberry ginger kombucha tomorrow when it is fully carbonated and ready to consume.

All that said, this story has several points:

1. Walking can help to clear the head.  2. I’m emotional today and can feel the pull of the Moon coming back.  3. I started writing a new song for the first time in a very long time just a few days ago and I am now taking guitar lessons.  The badassery to follow has been a long time coming. and 4. It is as if today I have learned something new.  Let’s not forget it now Anita.  This may come in handy in the future.  “Be not half-assed.”