anitalorraine.com

Musician and Activist devoted to Justice, Creativity, and Courage


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December 6: letting go of shame (reflections of the victim)

This excerpt is from the book, The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie:

December 6: Letting Go Of Shame

Many of us were victimized, sometimes more than once. We may have been physically abused, sexually abused, or exploited by the addictions of another.

Understand that if another person has abused us, it is not cause for us to feel shame. The guilt for the act of the abuse belongs to the perpetrator, not the victim.

Even if in recovery we fall prey to being victimized, that is not cause for shame.

The goal of recovery is learning self-care, learning to free ourselves from victimization, and not to blame ourselves for past experiences. The goal is to arm ourselves so we do not continue to be victimized due to the shame and unresolved feelings from the original victimization.

We each have our own work, our issues, our recovery tasks. One of those tasks is to stop pointing your finger at the perpetrator, because it distracts us. Although we hold each person responsible and accountable for his or her behavior, we learn compassion for the perpetrator. We understand that many forces have come to play in that person’s life. At the same time, we do not hold onto shame.

We learn to understand the role we played in our victimization, how we fell into that role and did not rescue ourselves. But that is information to arm us so that it need not happen again.

Let go of victim shame. We have issues and tasks, but our issue is not to feel guilty and wrong because we have been victimized.

Today, I will set myself free from any victim shame I may be harboring or hanging on to.

~~~~~~~~

Split human in thrift store mirror.

What stands out to me when I read this passage is the point about distraction. I was speaking with a dear friend yesterday who asked, “When do you know that you are done healing and now thriving?” I think that they are both simultaneous processes. When I find myself distracted by focusing on things that are out of my control, including perpetrators, that is when I have the opportunity for the most healing and am taking steps towards thriving. I would even argue that they are paradoxical, both simultaneously true.Further, when she said, “we learn to understand the role we played in our victimization, how we fell into that role and did not rescue ourselves. But this is information to arm us so that it does not happen again.” I am always triggered by this sort of statement, since I was two years old when I experienced my first physical abuse, and seven when I experienced my first sexual abuse. How can I recognize how I fell into that role at that age? What role did I play in that particular victimization? All I can say is that as a child, I was operating on pure instinct and developed the self-preservation behaviors then that kept me from being further hurt. Whether those behaviors were dissociation, cutting off my connection to my own emotions and self understanding, or freezing in the moment so as not to draw further attention to myself or be the catalyst for an even more violent attack… whatever that could have been. The role I played was an innocent. I fell into that role by simply existing (and turns out the Divine had something to do with it.) One of the trickiest conundrums with which I have battled is feeling self-compassion, recognizing that I couldn’t have done anything else than what I did. Even more tricky is feeling compassion for the people who committed these acts. Telling myself that they knew no better and were doing the best they could… That’s hard to accept, but easier in the long run than distracting myself with hatred, contempt and subsequently filling myself with shame. Walking this new path isn’t always easy, but it is freeing and each day I am thriving and healing, grateful and filled with joy and peace. That’s good news and something you can’t buy on Black Friday.

*cha ching* 😉

A lovely statement from Instagram the other day.


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TuesDayNewsDay Vol. 1, Issue 9 December 3 2018

TuesDayNewsDay Vol. 1, Issue 9 December 3, 2018

Quote: “We love our lovin’ but not like we love our freedom.” – Joni Mitchell, Help Me

Song: Please Mr. Postman – The Marvelettes https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=rGJcbHni4rc I am absolutely in love with the post office, the postal system, the loveliness of letters, the waiting, the surprises, my dear dear post-man up in Saxapahaw who is such a cool dude. I love that this song gets stuck in my head often, it makes me happy every time. I used to put the chairs up, sweep and mop the floor at Angelos Family Italian restaurant to the oldies station every night during my formative years – this, and Tears of a Clown by Smokey Robinson, are two of my all-time favorite songs.

Dedication: Today, I dedicate NewsDay to the brave families and souls approaching our border and immigrants in this country who receive violence, vitriol and targeting by some law enforcement (protectors of the state, not the people). I don’t believe in borders, I don’t love the idea of private property. I believe in a world in which I wished we all shared, loved, and appreciated each other, without war, violence, oppression, and hatred. What we stand for in this country is becoming more and more unbelievable to me. Tear gassing children? Oh dang… what’s for dinner honey? (http://performingsongwriter.com/bobbie-gentry-ode-billie-joe/ – “The song is sort of a study in unconscious cruelty. But everybody seems more concerned with what was thrown off the bridge than they are with the thoughtlessness of the people expressed in the song. What was thrown off the bridge really isn’t that important.” – in the context of “In August 1967, Lyndon Johnson announced that he was sending 45,000 more troops to Vietnam. Black power advocate Stokely Carmichael called for revolution in the streets. Beatles manager Brian Epstein died from an overdose of sleeping pills. But around water coolers, the hot topic was what Billie Joe McAllister and his girlfriend threw off the Tallahatchie Bridge.

What we tolerate more and more, violence, killing, war, spewing of hatred, racism and bigotry from the president and his people is becoming more and more intolerable to me. The more I begin to love myself, the more capacity I am having for my social justice work. One step at a time. One day at a time. “You Can’t Be Neutral on a Moving Train.”

Dear Humans: Today, on with the heart musings, music reflection, and grassroots organizing!

What a week full of blessings, starting out with sickness and ending in sobering realizations about intimacy, boundaries, projections and expectations (all can be wound together with a continuous thread.) The week entailed so many beautiful ups and downs in between.

Intimacy: Al-Anon was extremely well attended last week and we dove right into intimacy. Turns out, there are so many different kinds of intimacy, emotional, intellectual, spiritual, emotional, experiential, physical, and one more… can’t remember that one. Intimacy is a puzzle and a navigable path of give and take. The exchange can be personal, between two or more people, between you and your higher power, between you and a group, your village, your house, your cat (or dog, pig, duck, chicken, this list could go on…) My identification of intimacy was being myself without question, no second thoughts, comfort and trust to the point of sharing my inner feelings, thoughts, experiences, etc without fear of judgment or abandonment. Being that vulnerable with my higher power is SO alarmingly difficult right now. To get down on my knees and pray, with my hands on my head, head to the ground, praying Wednesday morning, there was humor and frustration. Speaking out loud, fumbling over the Serenity prayer, laughing with God saying, “You know what I mean…” Intimacy with a Spirit that cannot be seen, but felt, requiring faith and humbling surrender to accept. Funny enough, the word that would not come to mind in the Serenity prayer was “accept”. …and therein lies the serendipity of Divine Purpose. We can learn from our very words, or even our lack thereof.

Boundaries and Expectations: “I will not chase. I turn off my incessantly present search for love.” Looking forward to the full Moon just after the Winter Solstice, the intentions for implementation for this boundary are beginning to be put into practice. Being in the moment, simply noticing the energy and occurrences around me, is teaching me so much and providing so many eye-opening lessons. Deciding to go on dates, get to know people, having fun, being vulnerable, leaving behind the tendency to build an expectation of who someone is based on who I WANT them to be, versus who they ARE by paying attention to their actions is important to my healing and recovery from codependency.

Projections: My Mother. Bless her soul. She returns to my mind in most situations where I find myself frustrated, that familiar feeling of being out of control and wanting/looking for love/acceptance/validation in all the wrong places. I don’t have a relationship with my mother. We don’t speak or have any interaction at all. This week, someone else’s decisions were triggering and the whirlwind caught me. The pause escaped me. Self-awareness, lessons of Al-Anon, the last 11 months of EMDR and cognitive behavioral therapy fell right over the cliff of usefulness. I lashed out and reacted out of sheer desperation to be heard and justified in my anger. Lordy Lordy. When the needed evaluation of this reaction happened, thankfully the very next day in therapy, the realization was clear. My mother’s abandonment of me for sexual predators as a little girl had crept up from my limbic, animal brain with the decisions in question and caused subsequent accusations and judgement. Turned out to be a helluva good mirror for me to see myself afterward. Thank you struggle. Thank you newfound ability to be both assertive and direct. Bravery: you are appreciated. Difficulty of discernment: I see you. Choosing serenity, employing opportunities to grow, recognition of serendipity – all of these from just one incident in a small town.

Musical reflections: The benefit for SAFE was successful and heart warming. We raised $200 and had 3 full bins of food donated that night at the Eddy. The concert with Bruce was lovely. My grandparents and my adopted mom and dad Alexander came. Dear villagers and closest friends sat around in support. Truthfully, sometimes nervousness occurs. “Do they like my songs? Are my guitar skills are good enough? Am I singing on pitch? Is the sound good in this loud restaurant? Can they hear me? Do they care? Are they getting drunk and louder or is that just me?” These questions plague me for a moment. Then I get over it. It’s easy to get over it when I remember that as long as I had fun, I was honest, and I did my best, I can be happy with my music. That’s all that matters. PS: Watched “A Star Is Born” last night with Christine. Musically impeccable, heart-felt storyline, absolutely accurate portrayal of love and addiction, sad and beautiful, cathartic and moving – that movie floored me and at first I swore I’d never see it again because it was so hard to watch. Musical vulnerability was a prominent theme (hence the reference here) and the line that sticks with me is this, “If you don’t dig deep into your f***ing soul you won’t have legs. …If you don’t tell the truth out there, you’re f****d. All you got is you and what you have to say to people and they are listening right now and they’re not going to be listening forever. Trust me. So you gotta grab it and you don’t apologize or worry about why they’re listening or how long they’re going to be listening for. You just tell them what you want to say.” Right the f*** on. 😉

Grassroots: The sheriff’s department in Alamance County is at it again, trying to turn our jail into an ICE detention center. The takeaway from our attempt to hold a rally and press conference (highlighting the impact of this proposal on our community and especially for undocumented immigrants) was that the law enforcement of Alamance County and Graham were unnecessarily forceful, angry, threatening and rude to citizens trying to go to the county commissioners meeting that night. Intimidation tactics were used in barricading the sidewalk and corralling people in and out of the courthouse building. Many people felt afraid for their safety, as the local white supremacist group had shown up also, creating even higher tensions that evening. We weren’t allowed to stand on the sidewalk or on the front area of the courthouse while we waited for our friends inside who fit in the building. Later we found out that the police filled the back couple of rows of the meeting and were shouting and cheering in support of the sheriff’s department’s plan – when we as citizens are not allowed to make any noise in there at all, else we would be asked to leave or even arrested. Tensions are higher than ever over this ICE business in Alamance County and you best bet we will be monitoring the effects of this situation and making known its impacts on our local society. In visioning for 2019 advocacy efforts, the sheriff’s department of Alamance County, the federal ICE program, and the local white supremacist group will be a top priority.

Where’s the news? The concept of an independent news source in Alamance County has come to several of us as a seriously necessary resource for those in our community who do not feel heard in the traditional, local news media outlets. I am working the very beginning stages of formulating this newsletter/online news source as a place for stories of our collective experiences of racism, poverty, bigotry and even celebration ~ highlighted and shared amongst neighbors. Stay tuned, this is a serious project and as more developments ensue, I will share how you can get involved.

ALL that said, last week was wonderful and roller coaster-y. I was sick, went on a date, made a new cosmic friend, had a meeting with my sponsor, had a meeting and visioning session with my local grassroots organization, helped my students finish out their fall semester work, several coffee dates, played music for the SAFE benefit, planning for my upcoming trip to NY (Democracy Matters national summit in Feb), several breakfast dates, got to hear a dear friend sing for the first time at an intimate house concert, sent some difficult letters to people addressing my feelings, had some intense therapy working that stuff through, several lovely phone “catch-up” chats, went to see A Star Is Born and today helped out a friend. Told ya, packed week. ❤

#LivingQueryOfTheWeek : Who was your first literary crush? Mine was Bonanza Jellybean.

Upcoming Shows:

I’ll be singing in the shower tomorrow night before bed! Sold Out show!

Fri, December 14th – Singing with Radars Clowns of Sedation at the Kraken! Special Guest Will Easter – Last Clown show of the YEAR!

Wed, December 19th – #NightmareXmasPajamaJam – Crystal Bright headlining, Emily Musolino and Anita Lorraine opening! Special guests, Robert Griffin and many many more! PS Im going to sing my favorite xmas song, it rhymes with finch and is about a furry green creature who tortures a whole town obsessed with Christmas.

This week in pictures:

The sawmill, one of the giant piles of trees.

The enormous Christmas tree outside the mill that reflects in the Haw River. I don’t personally love them, but sometimes they make me cry when they’re really pretty. This one is so big, it just magnetically pulls tears out of my eyes.

This is not “Honey” This is buzz buzz HONEY buzz buzz

Found wood. Upcycling. Candles for everything.

Me. Workin it up. Standing desks rock.

Coolest fern vine. Never seen anything like it. Love the tree trunk too.

Bruce getting ready for the show, best sound guy. Hella thorough.

Some of these are not like the others. They have blue dots. Wonder what that means?

Beautiful wish I enjoyed from Instagram on Wednesday. Cheers.


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On hold: TuesDayNewsDay

Yesterday. It was going to be TuesDayNewsDay, but after my morning walk with Bruce and Sadie through the crackling woods, I had to go have a painful procedure. Saw this cool message on the side of a building in Greensboro on my way “honesty is one of our most valuable tools.” Love that. About the procedure? So that sucked. Is still kinda sucking, but after the ibuprofen kicked in last night finally, I felt well enough to get to go see Crystal, Robert, and Danny at the Cave. I even sang Loverman and Fly Me To the Moon, w/Robert on the piano and Danny on trombone. Very nice.

Today, pain still lives here… since 4:30am… so Im going back to bed after a brekkie attempt at the Gen Store. Wasn’t much hungry, but I tried. Yesterday was a rough one with the usual valleys and hills, valleys a little more like a dark holler… hope today turns out better.


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A Sappy Sad Love Song Poem For Cowgirls’ Twangy Guitars

The dock, it washed away in the flood

I thought that you would stay

But these tears are real, rolling down my face

And all I can do is cry.

Invited you in, longer than a dream,

meant so much more to me than to deny

I feel your arms around my sides

and all I can do is cry

I wished on the Moon you’re somewhere safe

And I dreamed I saw your face

You held me tight, said all you never said

I had to turn and walk away

Trains don’t wait, they never say goodbye

this heart in knots and tied

time has made us ghosts tonight

and all I can do is cry

My friends all think you used me dear

A hummingbird, it flies

on to the next sweet blossom near

And all I can do is cry

I awake alone in this bed on the floor

Look out the window to the sky

The bluebird perched knows what’s in store

she knows all I can do is cry

Grandfather calls me his tender-hearted girl

Who falls in love too fast

Moon’s nearly full, She’s on the rise

And all I can do is cry

This Heart it breaks, a heavy stone

It sinks inside my mind

It ripples from where you skipped it dear

And all I can do is cry

I may not see your face again

The one I dreamed of last night

I hope you’re warm in the cold cold night

This morning all I can do is cry

The poor dock seems to have washed away in the night!

Half Moon Rise!

Summer Cowgirl style


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A lesson in conflict, work with me now…

I went to Al-Anon today and we are having a special month-longs session dedicated to relationships and intimacy. Today’s topic was conflict and it was hella poignant. I want to share these questions and if you give yourself a little while to answer the questions for yourself, it helps for self-awareness and help to decide what about your behavior you would like to understand.
1. How would I define conflict?
2. With whom do I most often have conflicts?
3. What are common/recurring conflict areas for me? (addictions, money, sex, time together, chores, parenting, family, stressors challenging our sense of love and fairness?)
4. What are examples of challenging conflicts that I’m involved in/affected by?
5. What is it so hard to embrace (or at least address) conflicts? Are there perceived vs. real risks?
6. What happens when I don’t embrace (or at least address) conflicts?
7. Why should I embrace conflict?
8. When and How can I healthily embrace conflict? With how much “force”? How should I vary my response by person, situation, importance? Vary my level of trust, set ground rules, etc?
9. What program tools (steps, traditions, concepts, slogans) can I use to embrace conflict?

Some of my answers:
1. How would I define conflict?  Feeling unease w/a situation and fearful to express myself directly and fully – I am afraid of abandonment, invalidation, and even violence if I bring up something that makes me upset or uncomfortable.  Then I often have conflict within my own mind and heart, doubting the reasons for my unease to begin with.  I’ll sometimes even invalidate my own feelings, thoughts, and experiences unknowingly in order to avoid conflict.

2. With whom do I most often have conflicts? Myself… romantic partners…  I very rarely have conflict with those who I am not connected to, acquaintances or strangers.  (People I don’t know well.)

3. What are common/recurring conflict areas for me? (addictions, money, sex, time together, chores, parenting, family, stressors challenging our sense of love and fairness?) * Proper, respectful communication (my expectation of that and my conflicting behavior of avoidance that ends up in the same behavior…) *myself -> judgement of actions and “the shoulds,” time management/productivity/follow through. *fear of judgment when expressing my honest opinion *lack of appreciation for work that I have done for someone
4. What are examples of challenging conflicts that I’m involved in/affected by? *Criticism from others is challenging.  *Recognition that others’ actions/opinions are reflections of them, not me *trying to control other people’s decisions by subtlety vs. directness/assertiveness *inconsistent behavior (actions vs. words, do as I say.. not as I do..)

(I haven’t answered these questions yet, but I’ll share later once I have time to consider them and respond.)


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TuesDayNewsDay Vol. 1, Issue 7 November 13, 2018

TuesDayNewsDay Vol.1, Issue 7 November 13th, 2018

Quote(s): “There’s nothing sadder than losing yourself in love.” – Killing the Blues, Raising Sand album from Allison Krauss and Robert Plant – I must remember this.

Song: It Was Just One of Those Things – I like the simplicity of Diana Krall’s version: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ef3XZtJoJCM

Dedication: This week I dedicate this to my dear cat, Pepita. She is one of the best cats I’ve ever met. She’s sweet, affectionate with love, she occasionally drools, she’s SO soft, and she is my tiny companion. She hates travel; lately we’ve had to transport to different, temporary locations for house sitting. She never hates me for it afterwards and is always ready to touch noses to say hello. She gives me enormous comfort. I love that chick.

Dear Humans,

Today, it’s raining again here in Saxapahaw and the river very nearly burst its banks this afternoon. The tremendous amount of rain pushed that muddy river up higher than I have seen it in my whole life. There were news crews and humans looking on and over the bridge most of the day. I went on my walk and checked out the scene. SO much water. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to canoe when it’s like that. I’d have to tell my grandmother I was going on a picnic or something and only after I returned safely, tell her exactly what I’d just done. I used to go cliff jumping over at the Eno quarry back before the state bought it and it was private property. That jump is only about 15-20 feet, but I’d just tell Maw Maw that I was going swimming. After I came back and told her about the jump, she perpetually asked me there on out if I was really ONLY going swimming…

Today’s newsletter is going to be a bit shorter than usual, I’m feeling a bit blasé. Might be the rain. It was a good week, nothing to complain about. Stayed in mostly, did some house sitting and cleaning up/purging my closet. Mine and Pete’s show on Saturday ended up not happening due to weather. I got to see a huge group of friends in Greensboro (ate a few delicious delicacies of the pineapple persuasion). It was nice to be sober. I haven’t had any alcohol in a few weeks. It’s a lovely thing to not have to worry about getting home safe after a party. I really like that. Sunday, got to hang with Bruce all day and my dear friend Phil got to come visit too! Yesterday, I worked with my students all morning and afternoon, and last night, I watched the rest of the new season of House of Cards. That show is thrilling to say the least. I would definitely recommend it. I also watched a movie called Nappily Ever After, also a damn fine watch for women who find themselves hitching their self-worth on the value judgements of other people and society rather than from within. It is also a compelling commentary on the black woman’s experience growing up in a white dominant society when it comes to appearance and expectation of appearance.

I’m very tired today, I’ve had a lot on my mind of late about relationships and communication, intuition and time management, distraction and intention. Think I’ll go to sleep instead of typing any longer. Hope everyone has a lovely week. Happy Tuesday.

#LivingQueryOfTheWeek : Why is taking a bath so damn good? It helps me sleep when I take a bath before bed, I feel cleansed and relaxed. So now, My eyelids are heavily drooping. Goodnight y’all.

Upcoming Shows:

Fri, November 23 – Me-n-Bruce 7:30-9:30pm, Asheboro, NC @ #Bottle&Can http://www.bottleandcannc.com

Fri, November 30th – Anita Lorraine with Bruce Horvath https://tinyurl.com/StoneSoupShow  7:00-9:00pm, Saxapahaw @ #TheEddyPub

More to come.

This week in pictures:

The Haw River today swollen with all the water from our latest downpours.Kitties meet. Pepita and Juno and Jitterbug Perfume.Bruce’s chili and my corny pepper blue corn cornbread.I found this corset at a clothing swap and we were trying to figure out how to put it on. It was upside down. Happy birthday Magz. Bruce chopping wood.We said to Willow, “Lay Down” and she did. Right on our feet.Breakfast with Andrea and Alison (Alison’s first outing since she broke her poor ankle!)Jonathan Byrd and the Pickup Cowboys on WednesdayFeetz at one of my favorite local waterfallsBruce and Willow at Breakfast


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TuesDayNewsDay Vol.1, Issue 6 November 6th, 2018 Election Day – GO VOTE

TuesDayNewsDay Vol.1, Issue 6 November 6th Election Day – 2018

Quote(s): “Actions speak louder than words.”  (Classic, true. Very important.)

“If you are willing to look at another person’s behavior toward you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time cease to react at all.” – Yogi Bhajan (One of the greatest pieces of information ever to cross my path.  It took me a long time to understand – and it is still a daily lesson to remember it. I was able to share this with a student who’s been dealing with some interpersonal issues and it felt very good to pass it along.)

Song: Temporary Tattoo, by Jonathan Byrd – “I washed it off with the dirt, I didn’t want it to hurt.  …You didn’t understand you were wearin’ the brand of a damn fool. All I could do was a temporary tattoo…” https://youtu.be/O2-ZIoYUJmY  This song was running through my mind all day yesterday.  I probably listened to it 30 times. I’ve been a fan of Jonathan Byrd for many years.  It’s a privilege to get to see him and his band play on Wednesdays at the Kraken, a little dive bar nearby Saxapahaw.  The more often than not feature amazing acts and read poetry too. It’s a treat.Dedication:

Today, I dedicate TuesDayNewsDay to All those who organized, protested, and died for our right to vote.  The history and current state of our democracy (representative republic) is tainted by bigotry and racism.  I honor the work of our ancestors to fulfill the dreams of people of color, the poor, marginalized and their families to be equal humans in the name of human dignity. Thank you to all our strategists, poll workers, canvassers, and those who are running for office to change the current, hateful trend of a dying out, clinging to a hateful past occupants of office.  Our votes really do truly matter and if we are to change anything, to quote Chelsea Peretti, now we must “vote like a bunch of school children were shot and a bunch of other children were put into campus indefinitely because they weren’t white and like a journalist was murdered and like you are being lied to by rich liars who harass/assault women & who won’t renounce white supremacy.”

Dear Humans,

Thank you for joining me again on this beautiful, warm, rainy Tuesday.  This last week was chaotic, fun, and filled with activity. Again, another week rolled by without my setting up a structured time management plan for social media or to limit distractions.  I was too busy! (Haha.) Halloween was wonderful. I dressed up in my IncogNitaNitaPurplePeoplePumpkinEata outfit and went to a chili cook off with Maggie. We then went to the City Tap where members of my band were playing with another band called The Spectacles.  I sang a couple songs. It was awesome. A very chill Halloween after all. I ate many many many packages of Smarties and got to help a few people get to the polls to vote early.

My students were doing very cool things this week, one in particular, my campus at New College of Florida in Sarasota did a “Reverse Trick or Treat.”  They walked all around campus, knocked on doors and gave out candy to people while informing them about what’s on the ballot (importantly in Florida restoring the right to vote to felons who’ve served their time).  It was a great success, they may have gained a few new members from their efforts as well, it’s always a goal to grow membership.

I was house sitting for my grandparents last week and enjoyed the slow time.  I didn’t watch TV once! I did however, make my own paintbrushes from an old ponytail of my hair and paint a few pictures.  They were pretty horrible paint brushes, but the process was fun. I’ll try again, that ponytail is nowhere near being finished.  I went to see Bohemian Rhapsody and ate nachos at the movie. I liked the movie. I enjoyed the bits of the story I didn’t know about.  I had no idea that Freddie Mercury was from a Zoroastrian family and that he was married most of his life to a woman named Mary. Their relationship was beautiful and tragic, but had real love nonetheless.

My shows this weekend were fun.  Pete and I had a duo show in Star, NC on Saturday night.  Star is a very cool little place. This location is called Starworks Café and Taproom.  Fiva our host is awesome – this joint is an auditory dreamboat. She and a group of folks from the area enjoyed our music and their brownies are impeccable.  The drive out there was lovely as well, beautiful countryside.

On Sunday, the Radar Clowns got back together to do the Tom Waits Rain Dogs album at the City Tap in Pittsboro.  There were many folks there who were looking forward to our weird and awesome full album cover night. I loved seeing people singing along and getting into it.  I put my hair up in those 40s victory rolls and made a suit tailored to my new favorite musical character, Edna Million – in a drop dead suit. 🙂 I did a lot of online forum research and my favorite explanation of Edna Million is this: “Edna Million is a jive version of the poet Edna (St. Vincent) Millay.

‘My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends—
It gives a lovely light!’”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9vEBPYfy1GM –Jockey Full of Bourbon from the Rain Dogs album, Tom Waits

I did not have therapy this week but I nonetheless had some life lessons (every day really).  This week I asserted myself while being vulnerable. Baby steps. What I am beginning to realize is that this emotional therapy work I’m doing with therapy and Al-Anon is taxing.  Working through complex PTSD is hard. I’m learning so much about myself and one of the things I’m having a hard time not judging is my prioritization of self-work and how tired I am because of it.

I was SUPER honored to help host a birthday gathering for Maggie.  We surprised her and went to the Wooden Nickel to celebrate with wings.  She was stoked. I am so glad to have her as a friend. She’s the kind of friend who thinks no one is good enough for me and who sees what I need to see when I can’t see it. She is a blessing.

#LivingQueryOfTheWeek : What are the things you’re not saying that you want to say?  Mine are endless, but the first things that come to mind are self-preservation assertions like, “I am worthy.  My feelings are valid. I can say how I feel without explanation.”

Upcoming Shows:

Fri, November 23 – Me-n-Bruce 7:30-9:30pm, Asheboro, NC @ #Bottle&Can http://www.bottleandcannc.com

Fri, November 30th – Anita Lorraine with Bruce Horvath https://tinyurl.com/StoneSoupShow  7:00-9:00pm, Saxapahaw @ #TheEddyPub

Fri, December 14 – One-Hit-Wonders-Reprise!

Sat, December 15 – Anita Moore Trio with Pete and Bruce at the #BerkeleyCafeofRaleigh 8:00-10:00pm https://www.facebook.com/berkeleyraleigh/

This Week in Pictures:

Show in Star NC – love that space!

waking up with Pepita

Maggie’s Southern translation book at her birthday surprise party!

White Oak Leaf impression

Drawing of the dock at Saxapahaw Lake

The actual dock. ❤

Radar Clowns at the City Tap doing Tom Waits Rain Dogs Album

Jeremy as the Don’t Care Bear

Pete up on the wall at the City Tap.

Exploring Saxapahaw today!