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10:12 departure time, mileage 68,178 milesI just left the rehabilitation center and had a great visit with my grandparents. They are excited for me and my trip, as am I. I’m headed straight on 40 all the way across. I expect I will probably stop in Memphis or Little Rock Arkansas. I can’t wait to cross over the Mississippi River.

12:43 PM I’ve been listening to country music. First I started out with Alan Jackson, the song is “living on love” it was stuck in my head all morning long. I am so glad that I started out with that because the playlist Spotify made for me is mostly spot on. The next song I played was Martina McBride Independence Day, and then the next one was “she’s got the rhythm” …and I’ve got the blues… by Alan Jackson. I’m crossing over the divide in the Blue Ridge Mountains right outside of Black Mountain. I just saw a giant red headed woodpecker flying across the interstate, unmistakable.
1:45 PM almost outside of North Carolina and entering Tennessee. 71 miles to Knoxville. First rest stop, had to P, was singing Patsy Cline song “She’s got you”. Anyway brushed my teeth and learned one first road lesson: leather seats are not comfortable, so I have covered my seat with a blanket. Thank you Brahms Mount Claudia, Joel, my highest and humblest regards. I’m feeling a pangs of hunger, but I’m not ready to stop and eat. I’ll stop for lunch when I get to Knoxville.
Couldn’t wait, ate half of a bison epic bar and half of a cricket flower brownie.
Just crossed the Appalachian trail in the Tennessee state line. 1:54 PM tried to call Maw Maw on FaceTime but she didn’t answer and or I don’t have good service. All things are possible.
2:07 PM traffic on I 40. There’s a lane closed ahead and everybody’s backed up because of it. Just got off the phone with Paw Paw he said something funny he said “well you see anything looks good pick it up.” …while I was waiting in traffic. He’s got a funny way of saying stuff.
2:12 PM back on the road. There was a spill of something it was a 24 hour emergency spill truck. I wonder what was spilled? The truck driver behind me was really funny, when they are closing left lanes, you know how people speed up and pass everybody and then try and get in up at the front? Well the truck behind me was having none of that. He was blocking the other lane so that other sneaky vehicles couldn’t pass by. I put a thumbs up out the window because I understand his frustration.
3:34 PM driving through Knoxville. I stopped at the Tennessee RV store looking for a road atlas and found one for $23. They have several options one of which was cheap and low-cost free campgrounds across the entire United States. The book was huge and I don’t think that for this trip,with as little as I’ll be staying in state parks or campgrounds it would be a solid investment. So instead I just opted for the run of the mill good old 2017 Rand McNally. I have open the page to Memphis, Tennessee and have now made a reservation in T.O. Fuller state park just outside of Memphis. The super friendly Man on the other end of the line, his name was Victor, he said “I’m going to waive your reservation fee because I’m feeling nice.” Well isn’t that nice. I also had to stop and get some Advil because I’m about to have my period. First day of the trip here comes the red Moon! (And all the beautiful tears..)
3:39 PM just passed a van that said Hillary for prison and police lives matter there’s a American flag flying on the back of it. Lots of those advocacy ribbons… oooo and a red Volkswagen beetle.
License tags:

Louisiana, Tennessee, North Carolina, New York, Alabama, Kentucky. West Virginia by God. Oh, Indiana! Speaking of Indiana, I need to call Jess. (be prepared to see a lot of random state names intermingled amongst my road ramblings.)
Texas, Virginia. 3:53 PM my strategy for saving gas mileage is turning off the AC when I’m going uphill and turning it on when going downhill. That strategy might not work once I get past Tennessee. Maine!
3:57 PM the interstate 75 and 40 just split I am 150 miles from Nashville. Tennessee is beautiful so far. all of the trees have tons of green leaves on them and the sun is shining brightly. Although every time one of those fluffy clouds goes in front of the sun and blocks it, I always say thank you. I’m pretty sure I have a great suntan on my left side and then I will have a Watch Mark on my left wrist. I don’t know what I’m expecting out of this trip. I’m older than I was a long time ago when I first had the idea to drive across country alone. A lot of people say they want to go out and find themselves and gain a new perspective. I just want to get the hell out of Dodge and see and fly. Every time I hear about people traveling around United States I think about all the places that I haven’t been yet. I really look forward to seeing the people that I will meet up with on this trip. Martin who I went to the Southwest with in college and roomed with the whole time on that trip, we became best of pals and I’m stoked to get to see him. He’s in Page, AZ.
I’m just passing a “just married” car. Wait… there wasn’t anybody else in the car except for the dude. I think he just got married to him self, or are there some shenanigans going on in that car… Inquiring minds want to know. 
4:05 PM just learned the name of this little creature that Alison Weiner let me have for my road trip. Her name is Sola Bella and she is a beautiful Lone baby wolf. I’ll be taking pictures of her in various locations. Also gas is $1.99 at pilot!
Just crossed over the Clinch River 4:10 PM Ralph Stanley played with the band “the clinch Mountain boys” wonder if there’s any relation
4:31 PM: South Carolina! Ohio, Mississippi
4:48 PM freaking out a little bit. There’s a rumbling underneath my seat and I think maybe somethings wrong with my tires. Thanks to the miracle of the Internet I found a local tire mechanic just down the road. I’m praying that I make it there before one of my tires falls off. They close at 4 o’clock I looked at my clock and it said 448. Thank goodness for central time. Let’s pray that this isn’t too bad… let’s pray that is not bad at all actually.
5:33 PM EST so the guy told me that there wasn’t much to worry about, but said that he felt a slight vibration and that I might want to get it checked. I still feel a slight vibration. I’m trying to make a decision whether I want to drive all the way to Memphis on this or to Nashville and stop. I wonder if it’s just my nerves or if the car is really vibrating. I wonder if it was doing this before and I just didn’t notice.
I’ve decided I’m going to take a chance and drive on to Memphis tonight. I looked up the tire mechanic in Memphis and spoke with a guy named Casey and he said to be there at 8 o’clock in the morning which I will, as long as I make it to Memphis tonight. 
5:53 PM EST just saw a Minnesota license plate. I can feel nervousness Throughout out my whole body. 
Well 646 EST I am here on the other side of Nashville headed to Memphis. I don’t feel the vibration like I did before, maybe my tires got used to it. There is still a little bit of a shake and I’ve got 194 miles left to go. But I’m going to make it. I just listened to a podcast called More Perfect. It’s about the Supreme Court and produced by the guys who do Radiolab. It was fascinating and solidified my trajectory towards law school. I shake my head when I think about how the court can influence Democracy and how Democracy seems to influence the court. Flabbergasting…
7:41 PM EST California!
7:48 PM EST just heard an “on this day” report about Memphis where during World War II Boy Scouts helped farmers to pick they’re ripe crops. I think that would be a very cool thing to do now except that we have migrant workers doing those jobs. I bet those boy Scouts received better treatment than our migrant farm workers do…
8:11 PM Maryland!
8:26 PM Terry Gross interviewing Ringo Starr on Memphis is NPR station interview was from 1995. Is the 50th anniversary of the release of the Beatles Sgt Pepper album if I’m not mistaken. Very cool interview. 
I’m beginning to notice that the world is flatter out here. There are some hills but not as many. I remember when I returned back from The Southwest for the first time. When We returned to this part of the world again, all of the dark green trees came back to me, not sure what hold they have on me (perhaps familiarity) but it is a comfort to see big dark green deciduous and evergreen trees of the mountains.
9:37 PM EST I have arrived in Memphis and was on FaceTime with MawMaw. Headed to the campground now then going off to find food. I heard that Beale street was the right way to get into all the rock ‘n’ roll. 
1059 EST. I better talk into this thing before I get overwhelmed with downtown Memphis Tennessee. So I drove in, arrived at my destination. There’s a guy named Pete parked beside of me in his rig, he’s from San Francisco and I told him that’s where I was going… A lot of hilarity there, also his name is Pete. The campground looked really shady at first but turns out it’s really cool and quiet but it is filled with mosquitoes. It’s Skeeterville over there. Right now I am literally walking into downtown Memphis and there is so much music and neon light all around. There’s barbecue smoke everywhere. I’m headed to BB Kings and I look forward to eating some fried chicken. I think I have to get carded in order to go in all the streets blocked off…. Horse drawn carriages and everything. This place is absolutely mind blowing. I’ve never heard so much racket in my life. Tons of different kinds of people roaming the streets at night, everyone seems to be having a blast. I wonder why Peter and I didn’t spend more time here when we came through last? I could spend tons of time here going into all of the different bars and clubs listening to rock ‘n’ roll and blues music. 

12:35 amEST back at the campground now, just brushed my teeth. That fried chicken was absolutely delicious. The band was HOT, the BB King All-Stars. I had a conversation with the bass player while we were eating at the bar together. He lived in Raleigh before and we both dislike all of the one-way roads. Everybody loves the music. Lots of clapping and head nodding and dinner table dancing.. people enjoying themselves. 

Hoping tomorrow to get an early start. Shower tonight, breakfast in the morning. Then off to the mechanic to check out the underside of my car. 

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Greetings.  So last time I was exploring this self-interview and answering the questions right off the cuff.  Today I will continue to do so – acknowleging that I am on a path to self-awareness.  At this moment, I feel more receptive to learning about my deepest inner challenges and to use these lessons to help me to define my life’s work, my path, and to fulfill my dreams.  Up until this point, most of life has been in the service of others.  This is one of the most important aspects of who I see myself as, as a person.  However, old habits of self-protection and rationalization of abuse and neglect in my past have created some very destructive patterns of thought.  Thoughts I am trying to better understand and move through right now.  These patterns have created a past of ignoring my own needs (whether I realized it or not) and cowering to my fears, sometimes to the detriment of my own self-esteem and confidence because I lost touch with or gave away the self-love/self-care aspect of myself.  This may come as a surprise to those who love me, but if you’ve lived in here as long as I have and heard the things I’ve told myself, you might wanna beat that inner voice of mine up as much as I do/have.  Conversely and interestingly, I am stepping away from the desire to squelch that negative, destructive, limiting inner voice and towards embracing her, learning from her, and giving her the time and space to be heard, yet not judged or taken personally, and not even internalized.  I find solidarity with my work to realize that I am not alone and that in my harmful self-talk past, I can grow and learn and appreciate what there is to be built upon toward a more self-aware, assertive, and purposeful future.  A more breathing-friendly now moment.  In that light, here goes the rest of this interview:

14. What Was The Most Important Thing You’ve Done So Far?
Have you really done something important? Something that changed your life fundamentally? Or something that changed somebody else’s life fundamentally? Why was that important? Answer with first thing that pops out in your head.

Helping my sister escape from a dangerous and unhealthy family existence.  For a long time, I blamed myself for so many things (namely letting her down), but when I realized I did the best I could do considering all the circumstances and how proud I am of her for building her beautiful life and family despite of all of the tremendous potential setbacks, I see this as the beginning of my life’s work.

15. What Was The Most Stupid Thing You’ve Done So Far? Do you consider you’ve done stupid things in your life? I think everybody does but not everybody admits that. Most of the people blame the circumstance, the karma, the others, everyone except them. Do you have the power to accept you’ve done a really stupid thing?

I really don’t like the word stupid.  I was called that as a little girl, when the truth is that I’m not.  I’ve doubted by intelligence my whole life because of that word.  Never tell a 7 year old they are stupid.  It cuts marrow deep.  My mother said that to me, I am only just now realizing it is just a word.  I can take it or leave it.  I’m choosing to leave it.  That said, being dishonest is the worst thing I think I’ve done.  Not being straightforward about my heart, choosing not to be genuine for selfish reasons.  I’ll spare you the details, but I learned my lesson, in a very serendipitous sort of way, just about two weeks ago in fact.. It’s a powerful feeling to admit when you’re wrong and own up to those decisions.  Completely owning my mistakes is one way to live humbly and truly according to the principles I would like to live by.

16. Do You Love Yourself? Like really, truly accepting everything about you. Does it happen to hate yourself? Most people do that without even being aware. Just answer the first thing that pops to your head, again. Usually, this is exactly how you feel about yourself.

I do love myself.  I can’t even believe that I’m typing this right now.  It would seem that I’ve lived with a love/hate relationship within my heart and mind.  Emotional being vs. logical thinking – I never really learned how to weave the two in a healthy way, historically (and honestly, currently at times) creating self-doubt and overthinking.  Every day I get closer to understanding I am a child of god, a “manifestation of the divine” as my dear friend Michelle would say.  Doing the best I can.  Living life with love.  Living by example.

17. What Do You Fear The Most? That might be difficult. But also liberating. Your biggest fear is most of the time your escape door, if you face it with enough courage. Can you think at something that scares you really hard? Maybe answering to this question will really frighten you?

Losing my grandparents and terminal illness.  I don’t need to say much more about that.

18. What Is Your Favorite Word? You must have one, everybody does. It might be the one you’re saying all day long without realizing or it might be something that really makes you feel good when you’re telling it. Most of the time, there’s an unconscious link between your true self and this word.

Shrubberies… I wonder what the connection is?

19. When Was The Last Time You Cried? Admit it. Everybody cries. Men, women, kids. It might be something you’re not very proud of, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happened. What was so powerful that really cracked you up inside? Think about it and let it emerge again. Make peace with it. If you can.

Yesterday, in the shower.

20. What Is The Best Thing That Could Happen To You Right Now? In this exact context, what’s the only thing that could shift your entire existence if it will manifest right now? Many people tend to give a certain amount of money as a number, but in my experience this will only maximize the problems, not making them go away.

A total, simultaneous all-human Twilight-Zone style glimpse into how the world could be if we all loved each other and chose love over hate.

21. What Is The Worst Thing That Could Happen To You Right Now? Again, what’s the only thing that could negatively impact your life right now in a way that you wouldn’t believe it’s possible? Between those two possibilities lies your entire lifespan. How is this lifespan? How large is your road are you traveling now?

I have no idea.  I have hope that whatever is thrown at us, we adapt, we do our best, we move on or not. Global catastrophe came to mind. You know… or not.

22. Picture Yourself In 5 Years From Now… Not really a question, but definitely an interesting answer. Can you see yourself in 5 years from now? How would you look? How would you behave? You would do the same things are you doing right now? Don’t write a full story, a single, concentrated sentence would be enough.

5 years from now, I’ve finished my law degree, I’m working for a human and civil rights organization I am passionate about and I’m starting or being in a family with someone special.  I do want children (my own and/or adopting/fostering).  Trump is no longer in office and activism has crept up into the everyday American’s psyche enough that extremism is being pushed back against with every ounce of willpower we all have.   I am preparing to run for office.

23. Do You Regret Anything? If yes, what exactly? If not, why not. Regrets are usually strings we didn’t pull entirely from our past, leaving us tied up to a context which is not longer real. Facing your regrets will reveal parts of yourself you thought you forgot. Important parts of yourself.

No. I used to.  I do not any longer.  This is something I have just recently unhinged in my psyche.  Good riddance!! 🙂

24. What’s The First Thing You Do In The Morning? Just after you open your eyes. Is it a thought? Is it a gesture? We all tend to create a morning routine and it seems that this routine is shaping our entire diurnal activity. Have you ever thought what is the first thing you do in the morning?

Snuggle with my cat Pepita.  Check the weather.  Stretch in bed.  Cuddle with Pepita s’more.  Decide on coffee or tea and breakfast.  Think about the previous day, the day ahead, look at whether the sun is shining into my room or if it’s cloudy.  Breathe slowly and close my eyes and dream of breakfast…

25. What Are You Thinking Just Before Going To Bed? Similarly, before you go to bed, you do have preferred thought. What is it? What makes your transition to the sleeping world without any major frictions? What’s your password to the dream realm? What if you would lose this thought suddenly?

What time do I need to wake up? Is my alarm set? How many hours of sleep am I going to get tonight?   (I realized just now that perhaps I can augment this thought process and implement some more purposeful thoughts/prayers. -new to-do-)

26. What Was The Highest Point You’ve Ever Been To? Was it a mountain? Or a huge city tower? Whatever feels high for you should go there. I don’t want to know the difference from the sea level, but what exactly you experienced on the highest perceived point you’ve ever been? Fear? Exhilaration?

The Great Divide near Arapahoe Basin and the top of the Pyramid of the Sun in Teotihuacan, Mexico.  I felt a great amount of reverence at both places. At the Great Divide I also thought of Kate Wolf. 🙂  My feet tingle and my legs shake when I am up really high.  Up at Hanging Rock State Park (my favorite place in NC) I get really shaky – also the bridge above the river at the Tallullah Gorge was REALLY high.  I was shaking like a leaf up there, especially after walking all those stairs!  I am not afraid of heights, but my BODY sure is… I can feel trembling in my legs and tingling in my toes… exhilarating feeling.  I jumped out of an airplane once.  That was a riot.  I laughed so hard, the whole way down.  My tandem instructor told me he’d never heard that kind of reaction his whole time doing skydiving.  I am a giggle box turns out.

27. If There’s One Thing In Your Life You Want To Change Right Now, What Is It? Imagine you met a fairy tale and you have only one wish: you could change only one thing in your life. What is that thing? How would you like to change it? If it wasn’t this absolute power you just received, would you still wanted that thing to be changed?

The width of my driveway.  Ok seriously, the fine tuning of my self-awareness and being gentle with myself during this process.  Also, I want to practice Spanish more.

28. What Are You Proud Of? What is the only thing you’ve done that will instantly make you feel totally and undeniably proud of yourself? When you did that? What were the circumstances? Would you still do the same thing now?

Climbing out of the Canyon del Muerto (https://www.google.com/maps/place/Canyon+Del+Muerto/@36.1430599,-109.5595881,12z/data=!4m5!3m4!1s0x873a9c89c34d3e71:0xa92587948a3c4848!8m2!3d36.1430599!4d-109.4895503)  for the first time with blisters on my heels.  The group I was with hiked 17 miles in two days into, through, and out of this beautiful canyon.  I had no idea how to properly pack for something like this and my pack was three times as heavy as it should have been.  Getting out of that canyon does instantly make me feel totally and undeniably proud.  I did that with the help of my dear friend Andrew who was cheering me on even though I was crying and in such pain.  When I made it out of there, I felt absolutely amazed at the feat.  I would absolutely do it again, in a heartbeat.

29. Sum Up Your Life In One Sentence – If in the next 10 seconds your life will end, how would you describe it? Just once sentence for your entire life.  Can you do that? You only have 10 seconds, so you can consider this a speed question.

A woman who despite extreme adversity still inspired the world around her to be better than it was before she arrived.

30. Name The Thing That Annoys You The Most.  Is this a mosquito humming? The sounds of a knife on a porcelain plate? Or is it people calling you in a certain way? Friends breaking promises? Being stuck in traffic? Try to remain calm while answering.

Commercials/advertising/billboards/intrusions of any sort that’s sole reason for existing is to sell me something.  Can’t stand that. I try to ignore them any way I can.  I loved living in Vermont, billboards are illegal.  So awesome.

31. What Is Your No 1 Question To God? Yes, it’s your interview, but if you would be able to address one question to God, assuming He will answer you, what would that question look like? What is the most important thing you want to know from God?

My sarcastic/playful question: Is 42 really the answer?

My real question: Why is there so much hate and pain in the world? What’s the point of that? I understand life and death, the cycle must go on, but why the have and the have nots, why these systems of inequality?  I truly don’t believe it can solely be summed up into the argument of human nature…  (I guess that’s not just one question…)

32. Do You Have Secrets? If yes, why? If not, are you sure? What is your number one reason for having and keeping secrets? Are you afraid of other people reactions? Ar you ashamed? Or you just love to cover things for the pleasure of re-discovering them later?

I have some.  I am very private person.  I don’t like people knowing my business.  On a more intimate level, I don’t want people knowing me too deeply, because there is a potential for being hurt.  This is actually something from which I am working on gaining freedom.  Freedom via Transparency.  It’s for the best, really.

33. What Makes You Laugh? Do you have something that instantly puts you in a totally laughing state? There must be something that makes you laugh out loud. What is it? When was the first time you bumped into that thing?

There’s this message I saved years ago from a dear friend named Stephen that ALWAYS made me laugh out loud.  I wish I still had it.  It was accidentally deleted when I had to get a new phone.  Hmmm….. Timmi Cruz.  He always, even just the thought of him puts a smile on my face and a giggle on my heart.  Love you brother!

Ok, I lied. There are 34 questions:

34. Are You Happy?

Yes. Right now I am.  In 5 minutes I might not be.  Life is a cycle.  I have moments just like you do.  I am happy that I am coming to a better place with that understanding – choosing to brighten the horizon, even amidst all the chaos, is truly a lesson learned through experience and one that I am thankful for, every time.

I am also grateful for Bruce and I playing a show at the Eddy this past Tuesday night.  We had such a great time and did a wonderful job together.  We’ll have to do it again sometime.  In the meantime, I’ll be finishing my Spanish work and limiting distractions as much as possible…

me n bruce

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Upon realizing that today is Monday and last week I decided that Sunday would be my big blog day, I decided to get right to it.  I have been recuperating from having my wisdom teeth removed and a slight complication of a nerve being exposed during surgery so now my mouth is STILL numb on one side, four days later… Nevertheless, I have been spending my wonderful free time relaxing at my grandmother’s house on pain medication, sleeping most of the time, eating and wiping drool off my face, and then sleeping s’more.  No Spanish practice, no work, not anything.  Today I thought I would go mad and then my thankfully my grandmother was also experiencing some cabin fever and she announced that we MUST get out of the house today.  And we did.  We went out joyriding, ate lunch out and then rode around to look at all the beautiful snow that everyone had been raging about for days.  The roads weren’t that bad so I decided to truck my happy ass back to Saxapahaw to be with my kitty friend, Pepita.  I missed my pals, but mostly I missed my Netflix to be honest, I missed Grace and Frankie.  I was recuperating without the internet and I thought I was going to lose my mind.  There is only so much journaling and reading and Instagramming one can do without going crazy.  Today I looked forward to going home and answering this long “get to know yourself” questionnaire.  In my therapy session last week, exploring titles and understanding myself is something I was tasked to do.  I was also tasked with watching a video about female masturbation.  Haven’t done that yet. I may not tell you when I do…

So here goes the questionnaire: (http://dragosroua.com/33-questions-for-an-interview-with-yourself/#.WHRCUxSOq0G)

33 Questions For An Interview With Yourself

1. What Do You Do For A Living?

I work for Democracy Matters; I’m the national organizing field director.  I also wait tables and play music professionally.  These are all the things that put food on the table.

2. Who Do You Love?

If this question is directed at a romantic love, right now I should say that I love Peter.  Even after all that we’ve gone through and now have broken up, I love Peter.  I’m not in love with him, but I do have love for him.  That said, I am falling in love with Me.  I’ve done some things just this past week that I am proud of and pretty soon I’ll be learning more that I love about myself (if I watch that video..).

3. Do You Have Enough Money?

Right now, no.  There are some bills that I would like to pay off and not worry about whether or not I can still live in this house I am renting.  Student loans, car, insurance (health and car), electricity, internet, groceries, gas… This is actually the reason why I started making the decision to go to law school.  My current job is amazing and I love what I do, but I don’t think I make enough money to ever be able to pay off my student loans and build a house/farm/family.  I do want those things.  I also want to kick some ass in the political realm, law school would definitely scoot me toward that goal.

4. Are You Healthy?

Yes, now.  I eat extremely well, take good care of my body, and I am very aware of how much I consume.  I have about 4-5 drinks a week, exercise 5-6 days a week, I try to walk every day.  I keep my mind healthy by keeping a tidy home and catching up with my sleep nightly. I love my curves, but I want to fit into some of my pants better! Enjoying going to the gym lately with a gym partner, feels so good!

5. Do You Think You Are a Good Person?

I wonder if there is such a thing.  We all do things that we regret.  We all hurt people’s feelings whether we want to or not.  I think I am a good person.  I would trust my word.  You’re as good as your word and that’s the bottom line for me.  There’s much to say here, but in terms of the shitty life circumstances I’ve been presented with, with some help, I will say that I came out okay.  I came out a strong, talented and good person.  I hope 😉

6. How Old Are You?

I feel like I’m 33 almost 34, but really I feel much younger that that.  In terms of “where I should be in life by now” and where many of my peers are at this age…. it could be perceived that I am lagging behind.  I have no kids, no spouse, no house, no boyfriend even.  I’ve been asked by my family if I’m ever going to “settle down and find a man and have some kids…” I shake my head at this.  Truly, I would love to be old as hell.  Old like the old lady at the end of the street who feeds 100s of cats and still has tons of boyfriends she goes out with.  Old like the old woman who can say whatever the hell she wants because she can and it doesn’t matter anymore.  Old in the way where you can just hear the nonsense that some young whipper-snapper has said and all you have to do is shake your head knowingly…and then whap them upside their head.

7. Who’s Your Best Friend?

I have a few.  Becky Miller.  Jill Boogie.  Lindsey Smith.  I met Becky as I was getting to know her on a porch, she was about to be my new roommate.  That worked out well.  I met Jill in a naked virgin race.  She won.  I met Lindsey dancing around a fire in Buncombe county.  We now have tattoos of that night.

8. What’s Your Childhood Dream?

My childhood dream was to fly.  I had repeat dreams of me flying over deep chasms in the earth.  I could fly away from whatever was happening down here on old earth and just be up there in the clouds.  I have flown several times in my life, I do love it.  I love to travel and get above the clouds.  I jumped out of an airplane too, skydiving, and laughed like a loon the whole way down.  My dream now is to get grounded.  To get into the comfort of my own skin and not have to fly away.

9. How Often Do You Laugh?

I laugh every day.  At least once.  Sometimes I laugh at myself.  That’s not often.  I laugh at my cat because she is with me most of the time.  I laugh at the funny things she does.

10. What Makes You Smile?

  1. Sunsets and Sunrises
  2. The Moon
  3. Ice crunching under my boots
  4. Candles and flowers
  5. Hiking
  6. Driving like a badass in snow with 4wd
  7. Fresh eggs
  8. Having coffee with my friends early in the morning
  9. Sledding and playing in the Snow
  10. Dancing to Music by myself

11. Who’s Your Most Dangerous Enemy?

Donald Trump.  Isn’t he everyone’s at this point? Even his own? No seriously.  OUR most dangerous enemy is complacency.  We cannot be complacent about this man, his cabinet, or the corrupt system/rampant racism/sexism that got him to where he is right now.

12. Where Do You Live?

I live in Saxapahaw.  I rent a house here.  It’s a small, old mill house.  I love it.  The only thing I don’t like about it is that the driveway SUCKS and I’m afraid someone is going to roll their car going in or out of it.  I feel at home here, I am still trying to figure out how I’m going to pay for this place when the Summer comes… Originally it was supposed to be a place where Peter and I lived together.  That was because I was unhappy living on Beech Mountain, less to do with Beech Mountain though than to do with our unhappy relationship.  It probably wouldn’t have mattered where we lived, if we weren’t going to be able to get through our problems in one place, probably not going to get through them in another..  I am glad we realized this and still care for each other in the reality of our circumstances.  Home is a very special place to me, it’s the place to come home to.  I have two homes really.  This house is one of them, but also my grandparents’ house is the other.  I grew up in that home mostly.  I feel like it’s the closest thing I have to a homestead.  I still go there and take care of that house, take care of my grandparents, because they are so special to me.  But boy do I love Saxapahaw.  I love this little community, this little tiny village.  All romanticism aside, I hope to find love here and stay here and I hope that the world doesn’t burn down before that happens.

13. Do You Think You’re Strong?

Yes.  Horrendously so.  The stories this life could tell, which I don’t have enough time to type, would fill pages of why I’m so damned strong.  I’ve stood up for the right things for a very long time.  Strong to me means doing just that.  Standing up against all odds and doing the right thing.  Whether it’s protecting the weak or speaking truth to oppression.  Flex your muscles baby, strength comes from the battles, not the victories.  I’ve only recently been told that I was strong, never really thought about it before, but I am.  I’m eagerly accepting it and waking up to a new moment in my life.

OK – that’s 13 out of 33.  I’m not typing anymore tonight.  I might fill this out more tomorrow.  Maybe next week.  Right now, I’m going to turn on Grace and Frankie and eat s’more soft foods.  I’m guessing that’s going to continue until I get feeling back in my jaw.  Pudding does not suck.  Thanks to my dear Kimberly for putting that on my radar.

Love, Anita

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He did not come in through the bathroom window, but I saw him through the kitchen.

The wind carried him over like a green leaf falling before turning red and ripe.

I fell.  Like mad.

Then I arose, with the vapors of reality.

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Well folks, it’s the last day of the year.  What a year it has been.  I’ve been pondering what kind of resolutions I might choose for 2017.  One of them is definitely finishing my Master’s degree.  I have to take a speaking/oral assessment exam and pass in order to get my official degree.  I’ve defended my thesis, now I have to be fluent-ish in Spanish.  No short order!!

This year has been full of new experiences, some heartache, some triumph, some serious disappointment, and learning all around.  I’ve learned a lot about myself and how I would like to exist in this world.  2016 started out in Taxco, Mexico with Peter Perkins and new friends, celebrating New Year’s Eve.  More photos of the trip:  (If we’re friends on FB you can see them here.)

nye-taxco lemon-merenge

Throughout the year I did things that, all listed out, sounds like the life of a super-she-ro.  I got better at skiing, started making homemade almond milk and eating better in general, and made the best lemon merengue pie I’ve ever tasted. I marched at HKonJ in Raleigh, NC with my students from Democracy Matters for the 3rd year in a row, hosted the 15th annual Democracy Matters student Summit in Albany, NY.

hkonj summit-photo

I participated in the Democracy Spring march from Philadelphia to DC (Marching 13-17 miles per day, 150 miles) and half-way through was tasked with feeding all those people 3 meals per day for 6 days straight, while also helping to find them places to sleep.  I was arrested for the first time in DC in a week long of protests with over 1000 other people, highlighting voter suppression and the pay-to-play, profits over people election system in this country.  James Madison and I also went with a large group of protestors to lobby Congress to pass the reforms we marched for.

marching-for-fair-elections me-n-pete-guam-after-march

me-n-james-madison democracy-spring-marchers

screenshot-2016-12-31-11-23-58 screenshot-2016-12-31-11-23-30

We all witnessed our country stripped of whatever dignity was left when the DNC, wrought with corruption, squandered our chance for having Bernie Sanders as the President.  (But hell, with what happened and the president-elect now, I wonder if it would have made a difference…) I protested the DNC in Philadelphia alongside 1000s of other concerned, affected, and marginalized humans.

black-lives-march bernie-quote-dem-spring

Despite the corrupt and disheartening nature of the state of our country, I tried to make the best of it.  Peter encouraged me to sing more and gave me a weekly Sunday brunch spot up on the top of Beech Mountain during the Summer.  I serenaded brunch-goers and often had the one, the only Brad King playing with me.  I’ll miss the sunsets on Beech Mountain.

me-n-brad beech-mtn-sunset

I played a whole lot more music and even EMCEE’d the Sirens on the Mountain women’s music festival and the Blue Bear Mountain Music Festival.  I’d never done anything like that before and it was a honor and delight to be asked.  I also got to hear some amazing music, Ruthie Foster, Melissa Reaves, the Carter Brothers, Acoustic Syndicate, Mark Schimick, and the Larry Keel Experience.  Some of my absolute favorite musicians.  I played with the Radar’s Clowns of Sedation (Pete Pawsey’s amalgamation of nomadic musicians) at the Carrboro Music Fest and sang at the Eddy Pub a couple of times, even once with John Saylor!!

me-n-peter-sirens beech-mtn-singingcarrboro-music-fest me-n-john-eddy

A bittersweet and melancholy goodbye was said to my tenure on Beech Mountain.  Peter and I have parted ways and over time, I moved back to Alamance County nearer to my dear Maw Maw and Paw Paw and my friend family of Saxapahaw, NC.  Can’t say love is easy, but it is always worth it.  Learning how to be true to one’s self is a priceless lesson.  I still love Peter Perkins dearly and always will.  Glad we had the opportunity to learn those lessons.

me-n-peter-last-ride

Now that I’m back on my own-ish (we never really are alone or do the work alone, that’s for sure) I’m finding my way back to the path.  Studying and setting up a system of living, a badass kitchen, plans for law school (#iknowright!?), plans for a garden, and giving thanks for all of the ways in which I feel like I’ve been blessed in this life.  On Halloween, Doug Williams dressed up as ME, while I just went with the mermaid costume.  What a surprise and honor!  My great aunt Dorothy passed away, that was a very sad day.  My grandmother is the last of the original Darnells in her family still living.  Democracy died in our country on (or before) November 8th but I voted (and drove a friend to vote) nonetheless.  I had a lovely holiday season with my dear family.  Stress free and delicious, all you could ask for.  Today I feel grateful.

doug-as-me mermaidaunt-dot-and-fam voting-with-pea

christmas-with-fam badass-kitchen

mmpp Strength and Weakness

…and now that we are on the last day of the year together, please let me offer up some things that I hold dear and some things that I hold high.  There is so much poverty and injustice in our world. Please do your part, whatever that is. Vote, encourage others to vote, fight for voting rights!  Volunteer with Habitat for Humanity.  Teach someone something that you know. Learn something new! Make art, unabashedly.  Protest.  Go in the streets and speak truth to injustice.  Get off Facebook and BE with people.  Seek out and support live music.  Smile and frown, whatever you feel like doing right now and in the moment.  Don’t talk down to yourself.  Lift yourself up as high as you can, you’re the only one who can heal yourself, and it’s your choice, your perspective.  Please pray for the hungry and feed them.  Please pray for the poor and advocate for/with them.  Please pray for justice and participate in your democracy.  Please help to end racism and sexism (and all the other -isms) by speaking up and out.  Please pray for our water and environment and act to protect them.  STAY AS INFORMED AS YOU CAN. “Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.” Dr. Martin Luther King said; and Maya Angelou said this, “Courage is the most important of all the virtues because without courage you can’t practice any other virtue consistently.”

Nelson Mandela  beech-mtn-sunsets

So all of that said, I was on the radio last night.  Invited by John Saylor and Bob Johnson to be on the show “Pass The Hat” on WHUP 104.7 for open-mic night! A snippet of the show is linked below – the portion where I am on the show. The whole show can be listened to on the following link.  Love on all yer heads and heres to 2017, cause damn 2016 was crazy. (headlines below also)

Excerpt of the show with me (and Lance White accompanying)

12/30/16 Open-Mic on Pass the Hat with John Saylor as guest host! (full two hours)

News headlines for December 30th from Skimm and Democracy Now:

https://www.democracynow.org/shows/2016/12/30

“People we will miss…as in Muhammed Ali, David Bowie, Prince, Alan Rickman, Leonard Cohen, Nancy Reagan, Gwen Ifill, John Glenn, Alan Thicke, Miss Cleo, George Michael, Carrie Fisher, and Debbie Reynolds” my aunt Dot and so many more. (http://www.theskimm.com/recent)

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11-15-16 9:41pm Gettysburg Hotel, Room 401.  Wow, just in the last hour I have gone from mood to mood from despair to curiosity to contemplative to glad to peacefulness to questioning to disgust to pain and to feeling sorrow.  I held the partial hand of a man confined to a wheelchair in the elevator.  His name was Rich.  I held the door and eagerly got on it (the elevator) with him.  He asked me what brings me to Gettysburg and I said that I work with the school and Democracy Matters to educate students about the corrosive influence of money in politics in our election system.  He said, sort of asked, “Getting rid of Citizens United.?” I said, “Exactly that. And more.”

It was so nice to meet him, if only for a moment.  I’d just returned to the hotel from seeing the movie, “The Dressmaker” and the movie was good, albeit somewhat depressing but still, I laughed at some parts.  Themes of revenge, miscommunication (intentional and unintentional), love, death, and mother/daughter relationships, and redemption.  After the movie though – at the historic Majestic Theatre – there was an art exhibit about Healing.  People wrote on cards about what they wished people understood, what they wished people wouldn’t assume, and what surprised them the most about their own healing.  The submissions were tremendous, heavy, and inspiring.  For what felt like an eternity, I stood there wanting to contribute but being still and waiting for some sort of approval or for someone to tell me it was time to leave, without me having a chance to write my own submission onto a card.

But I did.  I wrote about the voices inside our heads which are mean and tell us lies about who we are and what people think of us and how they hold us back from realizing our true potential… or something like that.  On the back of the card , I thanked the artists for providing such an outlet via art.  And then I walked out of the Majestic.

I’m feeling quite lost at the moment.  I went into the campus Lutheran chapel yesterday and prayed.  I even searched for the chaplain but he wasn’t to be found.  I walked down the basement hallway and at the end found the choir room.  Unmistakable rows of silent and still chairs and a grand piano, touched with dust yet probably frequently used.  This room reminded me of singing in high school and church and all the choirs I joined voices with so long ago – and I longed for those times.

Yesterday I remembered a happy memory from my young adult childhood of roller skating and feeling like flying yet still anchored to the ground by eight rubber wheels.

I’ve been searching for inspiration to be as energizing in my work as I know I can be.  Look there.  Deja vu.  I’ve felt this pen to this page before.