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As of late, I have been learning some very important information about myself. This information comes from years and years and years, perhaps my entire lifetime of searching for something that I could not find. I could not grasp. I would venture and dare to say that it was held back from me, until the right time, which is now. I can’t tell you anything that has meant more to me than the realization that an aspect of my personality, learned as a very, very young child has come to the forefront of my awareness. I was first introduced to the notion of codependency about 3 1/2 weeks ago. At first I was completely turned off by the term. I was in a therapy session and the term offended me. I said out loud, “codependency? That’s not me. Fuck that! I’m not my mother!” Right after I said that, ironically, I softened, felt guilty for expressing my feelings to my therapist (ha!), and accepted the book my therapist handed me. I didn’t realize what I was opening myself to. Just reaching across the room, with the curiosity I seem to have an insatiable amount of, has changed my worldview. I took the book home and devoured it. I read and highlighted that book with fervor that I can only express as a voracious need to heal, because I have work to do. I have a world around me and somehow I feel driven to be an agent of change. I have so much gratitude for the support and love of everyone in my life. Right now however, for the first time, I am showing up for me. I’ve been showing up for everyone else for so long and I can only do the work of fighting for true justice if I can give justice to myself. The small child inside me deserves justice just like all the other children in this world deserve it. All of the other children and children of children and adults who are still children. We don’t deserve to stay broken, and this journey is helping me put the pieces back together. Whether you have experienced sexual, emotional, or physical neglect and/or abuse, if you resonate with anything that I’m saying right now, please listen to this podcast and take notes on the resources that are discussed. I will further explain and update about this process. The eternal, or rather seemingly eternal replay of self deprecating words and thoughts to myself and about myself are slowly beginning to dissipate. I feel more liberated right now than I have ever, I am crying right now just saying these words out loud. I lived in fear most of my life, and I am sure that surprises most of you, because what you’ve seen throughout the years is a glimmer of who I am but also a very clear view of who I wanted you to see. The conflicted person who, I should say this with gentleness, very much hated herself and thought she deserved nothing was very much ashamed. Through much sorrow, they say, comes much joy. (insert Kahlil Gibran quote here http://www.katsandogz.com/onjoy.html)

 I don’t know that “Joy” very well at all. I learned very early on that nobody and nothing in this world was safe. I learned this before I was two years old. I learned it over and over again, in fact, I was learning it up until three weeks ago. Thankfully, my grandparents offered temporary respite from the world I lived in as a little girl. Even more thankfully, I am offering respite to myself now.  I’ve only seen the shadow of joy and I want to truly experience it and relinquish my need for control (out of fear that I might lose it), this I am working on. Sending all of you so much love and appreciation, and yet also I am now beginning to send myself the same love and appreciation. Again I have work to do, and I may only get this lifetime to be aware of it.

http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/codependency-no-more-podcast/e/42583301

https://www.google.com/amp/www.goodtherapy.org/blog/wounded-attachment-relationships-of-survivors-of-childhood-sexual-assault-0627135/amp/

Careful with this one, very explicit: https://ritualabuse.us/research/sexual-abuse/how-childhood-sexual-abuse-affects-interpersonal-relationships/

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10423654_10101519858563348_4963391871808647311_nWatching a cat roll around in catnip is extremely enjoyable. There, now that that’s out I can start this post and get out what’s been trying to exit from me.  I enjoyed watching the late night showing of the Hobbit last night.  A dear friend from Saxapahaw, NC came to visit me up here in Beech Mountain for the first time and all because we’d vowed to one another that we would watch the Hobbit together before it left the theaters.  We made good on our promise.  The journey to Johnson City, Tennessee was about an hour-long and dear Peter joined us thankfully he was able to leave work before midnight.  The three of us trekked into the windy roads of Highway 19 in the dark and made it home safely with all of our precious cargo.

This morning, I had intended to sleep in, yet that was not accomplished.  I only slept until about 8:45 and have been awake from then on.  I made breakfast for my friend and we watched Saturday morning cartoons and drank a few mimosas before he had to head back down the mountain.  The quiet snow is falling outside and it made my friend feel some trepidation, yet he ended up getting out just fine and took me to the mercantile so that I might consume some vittles for lunch before heading out for a walk back home in the 25 degree, powdery weather.  Saying goodbye to my friend, I was sad to see him go.  His visit was short but hopefully next time around we’ll have more time to explore the mountain.

The point of this post is to say that I went for my hike today and came across two very beautiful, medium-sized dogs.  At first, I was startled, they were not on leashes, but I put out my hand and stopped my advancing toward them and let them come to me.  Proper dog manners.  They were at first sniffers and seemingly nervous, but in a moment’s time they were snarfing and leaning and wagging all over.  One was dark curly brown and the other had big spots and was gorgeous and sort of striped, but big stripes of grey and brown with white mainly.  I look up to see the owner and it was someone I know.  After talking to this person briefly and ending the conversation with, “There is always something to be grateful for, have a beautiful afternoon.”  I walked away and turned my thoughts inward.

I must say the rest of the walk calmed me.  I took several photos of the stunning winter scenery and was sure to take each step slowly and contemplatively. The pristine path had not been trodden since the snow had fallen, except for deer and bird tracks.  I even saw the remnants of a woodpeckers work on my favorite Boo Radley tree.  There were fresh wood chips all around the back side of that old, dead tree, and on the other side, the gaping hole I could fit in if desired.  I will put gifts in there, if to no one else then to the tree himself.

I just remembered that while I was eating lunch I was reading a magazine about survival in the Smokies during the winter.  “Will” was the word the editor used in her column.  The will to create things, to live, and to do what your “will be done”.  I am convinced right now that I have the will to get several things accomplished today that I neglected this week and WILL be prepared on Monday to be as badass as I can be, even with a few hours of guitar and Spanish practice to boot.  I just made a fresh batch of kombucha and will be enjoying my freshly bottled elderberry ginger kombucha tomorrow when it is fully carbonated and ready to consume.

All that said, this story has several points:

1. Walking can help to clear the head.  2. I’m emotional today and can feel the pull of the Moon coming back.  3. I started writing a new song for the first time in a very long time just a few days ago and I am now taking guitar lessons.  The badassery to follow has been a long time coming. and 4. It is as if today I have learned something new.  Let’s not forget it now Anita.  This may come in handy in the future.  “Be not half-assed.”