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It’s still Tuesday, right? It’s almost midnight and Pepita wants to sit in my lap while I’m typing. Typical cat behavior… I’m divorcing my social media on every day except for Tuesdays (unless the newsletter suddenly starts coming out on Thursdays). No Instagram and no Facebook. I’m impulsive and compulsive sometimes, both of which make me fun to be around some have said. My grandmother calls me Hurricane Anita. They’ve yet to name one after me. They’ve assigned them to my mother, Fran, and to my grandfather, Earle. Juanita, Priscilla and I are awaiting our turns. So yes, 86 smart phone too. I’m selling it. I’m getting an old Nokia if possible, if not then a basic flip phone where you still have to hit #2 3 times to get the letter C in your text messages. Hopefully I’ll be able to keep my crazy singing voicemail message. If not, it’s memorized so I’ll re-do it. I’m totally over technology. Smart phones are ruining me. I’m going back to analog. Eff a damned bluetooth. Eff a damned online calendar. Eff a damned instant camera. Eff it all. Sayonara until next time Constant Connection, I’m over you.

Today was one of the biggest distraction whirlwind days I’ve had in quite some time. Therefore, my newsletter will be attended to at a later time this week if I have a bit more free time. Perhaps I’ll start calling it Thursday Newsday… Maybe I’ll just come back on TuesDay. Who knows?

Until then, so long, farewell and have a lovely evening. I’m signing out. Thank all the gods.

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Pepita, the fuzzy kitty is sitting near my feet. She is wondering when her bedtime will be honored. Soon, little one, soon. Today I drew a tarot card from my newest deck, The Spacious Tarot; it was the Guardian of Pentacles (aka the Mother or Queen of Pentacles). I asked myself, how can I be of service today? How can I lead with my heart in a giving and patient, loving and grounded way? My day answered my questions. I tended to the health needs of two dearies and now I will be going to bed soon feeling grateful for the lesson and opportunity to be of service to those for whom I care deeply.

Dedication: The Muse – tonight she called me to draw a picture of my version of the Mother of Pentacles. She turned out to be a flower moon heart goddess. How appropriate.

Mother or Guardian of Pentacles – ALM version

Quote: Today, I first truly felt the cold and am happy for it. There is something magical in that first bone shiver. The quote I found today speaks to both the cold outside and the fire inside.

“In the midst of Winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.” – Albert Camus

Song: Goodnight Irene – Tonight I only sang a snippet of this song Tonight’s Facebook TuesDay video series post, but I love it so much. My grandfather and I sing this song together sometimes and since I am in sleepy mode, it feels appropriate. Goodnight Irene – Leadbelly

Dear Humans, I hope everyone has a warm coat and a warm place to sleep tonight and for the wintery months to come. Consider donating a few of your coats and blankets to the homeless shelter. Consider donating to SAFE – Southern Alamance Family Empowerment – our local food resource for hungry families in my hometown.

Today I met with my Al-Anon sponsor; we are working on step 4 (fearless moral inventory) and I am answering questions about myself. Some of them include, “Are you trustworthy? Do you practice patience? How do you treat the elderly and children?” Some of these things I’ve never considered before. 12-step work is priceless. I greatly appreciate the mirrors and reflections that arise to show me about myself when working this program.

#selfawareness for #traumasurvivors

Tomorrow, I head back into school to teach and then I head into the studio. Mark and I are going to make a projected schedule for the upcoming weeks and I hope we can have a finish date in sight! I can’t wait to share these songs with you all. I’m considering releasing 3 of the songs as a pre-release so people can have a taste! So excited!

This Friday, I have a show with Tim Smith at a place in Chapel Hill called “Special Treats” – its from 6-10 on Weaver Dairy Rd. We’re switching off sets: Tim at 6, me at 7, Tim at 8, then me again at 9 – we’ll be ending the last set together – so if you want the finale, come at 8! Looking forward to playing – this is the LAST SHOW I am playing before the album is finished. There is simply not enough time in the day to teach, mentor interns, do grassroots organizing, record an album AND play/rehearse for performances. I must be patient with myself and honor my limits and need for retreat and recharge. Enough with that future talk! Right now, I’m going to bed to snuggle with Pepita, the softest kitty in the world. Love yall, hope to see ya this Friday at Special Treats in Chapel Hill!

ALM

Tim Smith and my sassy self – bringin’ it to ya live on Friday! Be there or be somewhere! See ya all of a sudden! (As Baby Gramps would say!)

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Through writing in my journal this morning, I began contemplating. It seems that many people are struggling to “work your purpose” (this is a concept I’m incorporating into my upcoming online course or whatever it will turn out to be, called “Resilience Apothecary”).  Perhaps my first task is to take an inventory of accomplishments upon which to stand for a while and be grateful.  Listing meaningful things I have done recently, but especially those which will elevate me to a precipice from which I need to start.  Somewhere to begin in order to make the necessary changes and pursue the goals I want to achieve.  I am imagining standing on the edge of a cliff determining the steps I must take to get to the other side, but I must effectively evaluate the steps I took to get to the edge of that cliff.

The Fool - Baby Duck
The Fool, from my favorite Tarot deck, The Wild Unknown by Kim Krans, the baby duck takes their first step from the branch of safety.

Here are my intentions for 2020 (in no particular order):

  • Holding space for continued vulnerability and openness
  • Maintaining self-healing/awareness path via therapy, al-anon, etc
  • Giving my body the care, compassion, dedication and love it needs
  • Traveling on short trips to see friends I do not get to see often
  • Finishing and celebrating #SurrenderingToTheSacred – this album will be a birthing and I look forward to holding that baby
  • Saving money for my tiny home
  • Publishing my original poetry and art book
  • Submitting my poetry to several places for other publishers
  • Pay off my credit card debt
  • Play music in venues which speak to my heart and with musicians whom I love
  • Honor my magic with dedication and focus
  • Tune in clearly about my career and embody the courage to leave behind what isn’t serving me and representative of my higher purpose

Here were my steps to this beautiful cliff:

  • The embarkation of self-care and awareness work I started back in December of 2017.
  • After Ransom passed away in 2008, dedicating myself to writing songs and making music.  Taking on John Saylor’s open mic challenges to write original songs and play them for people.
  • As of 2019, finding, amidst many physical and emotional demands, the existence of a higher power with unconditional love.  I have wanted this all my life, since I was seven years old.  There is Something in which I now believe who will never leave, disappear, or demand repayment lest their love be taken away.  What a blessing.
  • My body and I are building a new relationship of understanding and power.  I have begun to see my body as sacred and deserving of care – last year I prioritized my ankle surgery and healing (over 12 weeks of healing plus rehab/physical therapy), researching with doctors my allergies and GI issues, changing my long-time relationship with tobacco and alcohol dependencies, giving myself time to rest and play with intention, and giving my body food and nourishment in the form of both physical activities I love and nutrients/proper diet for my personal needs.
  • I completed my first year of teaching and wasn’t fired. LOL
  • Miraculously, I am using my schooling, all of it, in appropriate and useful ways via Democracy Matters and teaching Critical Thinking at Alamance Community College. Whodathunkit?
  • Around May of 2018, I quit waiting tables and forced myself (with the help of countless supporters, financial and otherwise) to focus on creating this album.  I have been prioritizing creativity and music by working on and creating my record.  Putting creativity in the forefront of my existence also helps with my mental health and thereby creates another healthy cycle.
  • Lastly, I believe I have truly opened myself to being vulnerable.  I have taken risks by establishing boundaries and expressing my true self.  I have made tremendous steps in assertiveness and peacemaking within me and with others, including my grandparents (big deal y’all).  Forgiveness and appropriate understanding of the differing capacities of humans to show up… that has been an enormous learning experience so far.  I have ended certain unhealthy relationships and started new ones even though I knew I could get hurt and possibly hurt others.  I recently began opening to a new romantic relationship and one that is NOT long-distance.  I feel old things cropping up like the fear of the rug being pulled out from underneath me and looking stupid when something goes wrong and he decides to ___insert terrible thing here____.  Who knows what will happen.  I don’t… and today I am happy.  Vulnerability of living for today in so many ways.  Who knew?
  • I have taken responsibility for myself.  Childhood sexual abuse and certainty of abandonment created a sense of need in me to look to others for security and to relish in being the victim unknowingly.  I know better now and now, I am “doing better”.

Maya quote

 

It feels good to start here.  Currently, I am working the 4th of the 12 steps, Al-Anon program.  It’s the “fearless moral inventory”.  My Sponsor and I are working through my strengths right now.  Soon we will begin dealing with my compulsive behaviors and faults, the “default” behaviors, the defects as some may say.  It was at first hard to know and express without doubt and guilt my good stuff.  It may be hard, due to ego and defense mechanisms, to express the “bad” stuff too.  All in all, however, it is all good stuff because it brought me to now.  The lessons are learned because of all of it.

All I know right now, is that I am taken care of.  I am privileged and grateful. I am living for today and feel that 2020 will be a big year of strength, love, and change.  Like I have said before and had to write it down, “Choice is all we get and change is all that’s real.”

Sincerely,

ALM

 

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The room is filled with restaurant sounds; the cutlery is clicking on plates and bowls. Autumn Leaves is coming from the trombone, piano, upright bass and drums. How lovely.

Dedication: Today is dedicated not to a person, but to the priceless concept of forgiveness. Without it, we remain cold and buried in our own asses. With it, we become softer and compassionate toward and acknowledging of others’ simultaneous struggles in this world. Thank you forgiveness. Thank you to those of us who forgive easily. Thank you to those of us who know we need to work on it. …and bless you to those of us who struggle with forgiveness.

Quote: “Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” Mark Twain

Song: This song reminds me of riding in the backseat of my grandparents’ car on one of our thousands of Sunday drives, as we meandered in and around rural North Carolina, listening to classic country music, the “Country Gold” cassette tape set.

I Love by Tom T. Hall

Dear Humans:

It has been a few weeks since an official newsletter and if you watch my weekly video series, you can find out why. So much has happened since the end of 2019! It was a roller-coaster of a year! As I was answering a journal prompt about last year during my morning writing, it became clear that 2019 was packed with physical, emotional, intellectual challenges and feats. I had major ankle surgery and was laid up in bed for 12 weeks. My new job teaching started in January last year, the whole year of creating curriculum and learning how to teach adults in real life was demanding and in all honesty, I didn’t enjoy it. (Thankfully this year, I feel a bit different and am excited about the prospect of continuing. That surprised me.) Many things were left behind: some relationships, my lack of boundaries and fear of others’ judgments. Surely, the latter two of the three aforementioned castaways will crop up from time to time in cyclical lessons, yes. However, each time growth will emerge and lessons will help to create a better human up in here. We learned why my digestive system was torn apart for years (of course stress will hurt anyone’s stomach) – I’m allergic to beef and beef products, gluten and other hooved animals! We also learned that I have an insane amount of allergies! WTF?! Glad to know more about myself now, so I can take care. I plan to heal and end the allergies and grow back the cartilage which was damaged in my ankle surgery; I know these things can be done.

A part of my childhood was left behind as well. The child within who operated out of fear and scarcity has become known to me. I have a serious desire to feel security and my motivations in attempt to obtain that security were unmasked. I no longer feel the need to look to others (my grandparents specifically) to provide the shelter and protection, something I desperately once needed and am eternally grateful. Adios 2019! Enter stage left and right the new decade with a new abode, new music, new understandings, and new relationships (with others and with myself.).

The album is trudging along. It is a struggle to make time when I am working two jobs. Rest assured, it will be finished sometime soon! I was thinking by the end of January… but I truly don’t know right now. Still aiming for late June for the party. If it happens, wonderful. If it doesn’t, that’ll be fine too.

happy new year y’all, may you find peace and for those under fire, you are in my prayers

Upcoming Shows: Sunday, High Point 2pm-5pm https://facebook.com/events/s/eliqqn-ii-portraits-of-gavin-g/2306691406283389/?ti=icl

Next week, Friday, January 24th – I’ll be playing with Tim Smith at Special Treats on Weaver Dairy Rd in Carrboro! 6-10pm! Come out and get some candy! Ear candy too!

Lately in pictures:

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Sup everybody? At this moment, the television in this sushi restaurant is playing sports and it’s all I can hear. My brain feels a bit frazzled honestly. Today I began my teaching semester and, since the holiday season began and ended, life has thrown some radical changes – no judgement of bad or good, however. These changes are necessary and welcome as much as they were surprising and challenging.

Dedication: Today, I dedicate this newsletter to my students. I teach at a community college and my students are adults ranging from 17-65 years old. They are from diverse backgrounds and work hard for the education they’re receiving (mostly). Back in 2002, I started attending ACC and worked 2 jobs while taking care of my grandparents. It took me 4 years to graduate with my associates (a 2-year degree) and then transferred to Appalachian. I respect these students and their experiences because I’ve been there. Teaching critical thinking to humans from Alamance County is a feat I couldn’t have imagined getting into – but it is sacred work, as much as I may bitch about the tedious “process” of working in a public education. I found myself looking forward to teaching today for the first time since I began last year. I blasted Lizzo on the radio about being my own Soulmate and taught two fabulous classes filled with students who seem to give a damn. Nothing could be a better gift. I’m real with them, present them with difficult, thought-provoking material, and honor their opinions while challenging them with the task of examining from where those opinions originated. Rock star status.

Song: Soulmate by Lizzo – that’s the song of the day. If you don’t know Lizzo, here ya go. You’re welcome. Soulmate by Lizzo Interview with Lizzo on The Daily Show with Trevor Noah, my biggest celebrity crush. Daily Show Lizzo Interview I am in love with Lizzo’s amazing messages – they are transformational and challenging patriarchy at EVERY TURN. *yes, please*

Quote: “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” – Dr. Maya Angelou *application yall*

Dear humans, TONIGHT special airing solo show on facebook live show hosted by Neville’s Quarter! Lex and Brian are hosting and I’m their grateful guest! Look up Neville’s Quarter on Facebook to see the live show tonight at 6!

More shows to come yall! So much love! Tune in tonight~!