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Since inception, my Familiar

came into my life

like a smoky mirror.

Reached out, listening

Onward, sharing,

lamenting heavy strife.

 

At first in the mountains, the Rockies

Arms outstretched

across a thousand miles

now here, ever closer

Healing, moving, all smiles

 

Suddenly fell down

Rushing with might – urgency

The river cast aside

It rained that night

I was allowed inside

There was no Escape

No way to leave

No flight,

I chose.

I did not flee

 

This story, a synopsis

Of less than 2 Gregorian weeks

Running, driving, stammering, broken,

Unwilling to dive fully into the deep

 

At this moment, legs crossed, candles lit

river banks and seagulls meet where I sit

 

At the perfect moment when the Old and New approve

rain and music may surrender

art may escape

it may be loving and tender

Lips embracing

like fog and morning dew

 

Many reasons do we love

Many faces, no regrets

flames ever brighter

Honest, like when they first met

 

In the ether, in the shadow

Opening in rainy, dark nights

In the places where wild ferns grow

On the wavelengths of improvisation

Perchance we shall be fairies and sprites

We will laugh, we will glow

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Today is filled with raindrops and warmth. Yesterday I found a journal from days of yore, September 9th, 2011. It reads:

“Washington, DC – Hyatt Hotel – Money in Politics Conference at the offices of Public Campaign

What a day. I’ve showered, redressed my burn wound, called friends for their birthdays, called Philly and Maw Maw for goodnight and now I hit the hay.

Rain and wind and the Potomac. Room with a view. Next: money in politics.

Start of a journey; it’s official. I’m ready to learn and find joy in all her hidden places.

Love Love Love,

Goodnight Hobbes,

Love,

Anita”

On some further pages, after hand-written driving directions to places around Boston and Asheville, I found a list (I used to make these all the time) of words to learn as I’m reading. I would actually get out a dictionary and look them up when I would get to where I was going, or when I arrived home if there was no dictionary at the place where I ended up. Here is the best list, plus a short, incognito grocery list.

“Ignominious – 1. Marked by or attended with ignominy; discreditable; humiliating

Sordid – 1. morally ignoble or base; vile 2. Meanly selfish, self-seeking, or mercenary 3. Dirty or filthy 4. Squalid; wretchedly poor and run-down

Servile – 1. Slavishly submissive or obsequious; fawning 2. Characteristic of, proper to, or customary for slaves; abject 3. Yielding slavishly; truckling (usually followed by ‘to’)

Laborious – 1. Requiring much work, exertion, perseverance

Sanguine – 1. Cheerfully optimistic, hopeful, or confident 2. Reddish, ruddy (of bloody hue)

‘Exist in a vacuum” – ‘common: if something exists or happens in a vacuum, it seems to exist or happen separately from the things that you would expect it to be connected with. Property values do not exist in a vacuum… Such decisions do not occur in a political vacuum, but have serious political implications both at home and abroad.’

Scrupulous – 1. Having scruples, or moral or ethical standards; having or showing a strict regard for what one considers right; principled 2. Punctiliously or minutely careful, precise or exact…. what the fuck is punctiliously… Punctiliously – 1. Extremely attentive to punctilious; strict or exact in the observance of the formalities or amenities of conduct or actions ok WTF is Punctilios – 1. A fine point, particular, or detail, as of conduct, ceremony, or procedure

Reification – 1. To convert into or regard as a concrete thing

Ineffable – 1. incapable of being expressed or described in words; inexpressible 2. Not to be spoken because of its sacredness; unutterable

    • Pall malls
    • Cool whip

– challenge commonly advanced cultural explanations by establishing historical and material basis of ethnic patterns in…

Pariahs – 1. An outcast 2. Any person or animal that is generally despised or avoided 3. a member of a low caste in southern India and Burma

Concomitantly – 1. Existing or occurring with something else, often in a lesser way; accompanying; concurrent

Invidious – 1. Calculated to create ill will or resentment or give offense; hateful

Xenophobia – 1. Fear or hatred of foreigners, people from different cultures or strangers

If you notice, I was probably reading some heady shit. If you’ll also notice – it was of extreme importance that I get some Pall Malls and some Cool Whip. I laughed out loud here at the coffee shop in Saxapahaw and giggled for a few minutes following after reading that. I have NO IDEA who that would be for… for real.

Dedication: Today, TuesDayNewsDay is dedicated to my grandparents. They have agreed to allow me to stay with them for the umpteenth time as I pay off some debts and find a place of my own. Making this decision comes after months of worrying about how I was going to afford the album, paying rent, and finding a path of work which accurately employs my creativity and gifts in this world. I am humbled an honored by their presence in my life – they agreed to let me move in, contingent upon my cleaning out of the basement. I have to admit however, along with all the challenges we have in our opposing political views and their inherent bigotry toward people of color and homosexuality, they love me and I love them. They know that I love all people. They do not know that I have dated women, men, and trans humans. They do not know that I am attracted to all hues of humans and make no bones about it. Coming out to them would most definitely be a difficult transition – one that I am not ready to make as yet. “Sacred Spirit, let me get through this first.” I pray. I love them tremendously and I hope this temporary move will lead me to a place of strength and independence. I hope it will lead them to get to know me more on an honest level – so that I can be my true self with them. That would mean the world to me.

Song: Better Days, Eddie Vedder – so if you know me, then by now you know that I have a superb love for Eddie Vedder. When I first heard this song… maybe just under two years ago, I stopped whatever it was I was doing and started crying. I found this video for you which has the words. Sometimes I forget these things are real and it’s an honor and privilege when I remember that they now apply to me. They apply to you too. ❤

Dear Humans,

Today is a raining, warm December day. I’m sitting in my favorite little space in Saxapahaw just typing away, listening to the voices of all the local humans talking about all their things together. Deep voices, high, compassionate voices, phone calls, meetings, greetings, and musings. There will be no video today, you’ll see why shortly.

Today is my father’s birthday. I awoke thinking about him and the things he did in this world which caused me to estrange myself from him. Violent abuses he committed to me as a tiny girl and even more despicable things to others in my family later on… it’s hard to think about without getting angry. I am grateful for him though – my mother too – because without them I would not be who I am. I may not have become Anita Moore. So I’m glad. Glad I don’t have to see them, and glad I’m living a life untethered to those who cause pain. I’m glad I have choices and recognize them as the gifts they are, albeit difficult ones. Choices are sacred things gifted to us by the Source of Everything.

This week (today in fact), my grandparents are taking me to have an endoscopy. My reactions to food (hives, etc) without having any obvious allergy have caused concern and I want to get to the bottom of it. If I plan on continuing to live and do my best, I need to treat this body with utmost respect and love. Cheers! I’ll be out cold by 2:30 this afternoon.

Last week, my dear friend Jeff Moretz came down from Todd, NC to play some mandolin on the record! Having him here was beautiful and it was lovely to catch up with an old friend. We traipsed around Saxapahaw and made music with Bruce into the evening that night. I hope to get back into the studio this Friday! We have piano and bass to add to some songs. In the New Year, when it comes, we will be scheduling drums and composing additions to some of the songs to make them the best they can be. I just had a conversation with someone last night who loves my song, Hurricane. I sent him the recording I’d made so far and it was great getting a critique. We came up with ideas to craft the strength and message of the song to be as poignant, effective, moving and forceful as we both know it can be. There are a few songs on this album which are deeply applicable to the time in which we are living, realities of the people. I can’t wait to share them with you. We’ll be making a music video for Hurricane and I hope to be able to screen it at the album release party next year. Here’s the news: I’m aiming for June 28th as the release party. The date is not arbitrary – it’s the 2nd year anniversary of my new name. We’ll see! If it doesn’t happen on that day, I will not be upset. However, if it does, I will be elated.

School-teaching is finished for the semester. What a crazy ride. In all honesty, I don’t love teaching – but it’s not what you think. I don’t like the tedious paper grading, attendance, paperwork-type responsibilities. I LOVE being in the classroom and challenging students on controversial topics. To my surprise, not just one, but several students messaged me after the semester ended to tell me how much they loved the class. Those sweet words mean so much. I am very much in the vein of Mark Twain when it comes to this phenomenon, “I can live for two months on a compliment.”

So upcoming next week, we will be back in the thick of the holidays. After my conundrum about my mother and a thousand dollars, I am no closer to a solid decision. More prayers, less attachment. That’s the ticket. I was asking myself earlier today why I was gifted with my particular parents. Gratefully, a reminder came which said that my journey is to cut the cord with oppressive and abusive behavior. Someone dear to me asked me what my purpose is here, without hesitation, I said, “Victory over oppression and silence.” Today, in addition to those words, these are in need of adding, “and working to end it for others.”

Love y’all,

ALM

Upcoming shows: This Friday, I am playing an intimate pop-up show in Saxapahaw at Freehand Market. 5:30-7:30 – come on out! 5% of all sales go toward the album #SurrenderingToTheSacred ~ Bruce said he might show up and play for the second half!

Last week in pictures:

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I desire Lightness of being

suppression of sensuality and sexuality have created

an inner battle of which

I’d been mostly unaware,

but now I feel awake and unbraided

 

pursuit of the arts and freedom are the same

pursuit of love and connection are the same

pursuit of community and perfect solitude are one in the same

 

I ache with fever to escape

I feel the thrills and chills of belonging – be-longing

how interesting that phrase

I long for belonging, a deep calling…

yet there are constant pangs of desire to feel completely alone

in a vast wood, only me, moss and giant pine cones

on a plain of wildflowers no human has ever seen

miles and miles of vastness and green

perhaps our species is the first

to treasure solitude as much as fellow humans with whom we are so deeply immersed

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I was just on the phone with my grandmother.

She told me that my mother wants to donate a thousand dollars to my album fundraiser.  The only thing she wants in return is her own copy.  That was the last thing I expected to be thinking about tonight.  I told Maw Maw that I’d have to think about it.  There are several reasons why I need to think about it and Becky Miller’s voice just popped into my head as I think about them… I feel surprised.  I feel nauseous.  I feel trepidatious.  I think she doesn’t know what she’s getting into.  There’s only one real reason for all this fear, Darlene.   Darlene will smack my mother in the face via song.  I don’t want my music to hurt anyone, but Darlene has fighting gloves, armor and a helmet she wears around my mother.  Darlene is a force.  Darlene is fierce.  Darlene is both scared and strong.

Becky Miller said to me once, “You are not responsible for how someone else reacts to your truth. You are only responsible for being honest about who you are.”  I can’t control how my mother reacts to this.  I am nervous she’ll hate it.  I am scared she’ll sue me for non-support.  I’m afraid she’ll deny it and make me out to be the bad guy.

Tonight, for the first time, I read the lyrics to Darlene to my grandmother.  I could barely get through the song, reading it more like a poem.  I was choking up and holding back tears to be able to pronounce the words clearly enough so she could understand what I was saying.  At the end (I was grateful I made it through), she was quiet.  I had no idea what she was going to say.  I asked her, “You there?” and she answered, “Yes, I’m here.  That brought on a few tears. Your Paw Paw’s going to like that.”

So here I am, back to wondering if I should accept the money and give her a record, if I should accept the money and not give her a record, or if I should just reject the whole idea. The brave little one inside of me is afraid that her mother will judge her and hate her even more.  You see, in May of 2002, she called me from jail. She’d been arrested for not taking care of her children (I will spare you the details.).  She used her one phone call to tell me that I ruined her life.  Over the years, she’d called me stupid, lied over and over again, and very nonchalantly said to me when I was seven, “If it happens again, honey, let me know.” after I told her I’d been molested by her boyfriend’s son.  Of course, it happened again, and again, and again.

I don’t think about these things every day, consciously.  However, they color my existence and make me the sparkly person you know today.  I was polished through those moments to become Anita Lorraine, named after both my grandmothers and now have chosen to take my grandfather’s last name, Moore.  Anita Lorraine Moore.

It may take some time to come to a decision on this.  I hope I make a decision that makes the world a better place for us all.  This album is the crux of my inspiration.  Some of my music is happy.  Some is contemplative.  Some is magical.  Some is angry.  Some is broken-hearted.  Darlene, however, is revolutionary and bold.  She is a phoenix.

 

Darlene was raised in two different worlds

One was safe. The other, toil

Darlene paid in the old-time way

Full-grown girl, before she turned eight

 

Her daddy shamed her in the end

Momma left her on her own to fend

She needed love and a place to go

A place she found just a mile or so

 

Grandfather’s hands worked to the bone

Grandmother’s love gave her a home

Grandfather gave her all his pride

Grandmother was her sweetheart’s bride

 

She tried to pray but could not hear

The voice of God within her ear

Darlene knew she couldn’t run

To save herself from his father’s son

She had to freeze, her mind to bend

To save herself from her mother’s men

 

Grandfather came to the rescue

Grandmother was someone she looked up to

Grandfather’s grown into an old man

Grandmother still, she still holds his hand

 

You know Darlene’s not the only one

Children’s tears can’t be undone

But if this truth we refuse to ignore 

This world would change, we would take no more 

 

Darlene learned how to spread her wings

Sang with angels inside her dreams 

Her light shone through the darkest of  nights

Into a song… born of candlelight 

 

We are born fearless

    Named after our kin

 

    Blood and bone

    Show where we’ve been

 

Blood and bone

Show where we’ve been

 

     Blood and bone

     Memories and skin 

If you want to learn more about the fundraiser, visit: Sacred Album Recording Fundraiser 

If you want to see the live video of Darlene, visit here: Darlene Facebook Fundraiser Live Video Series

If you want to share or talk about anything, please send me an email, my door is open: anitalorrainemusic@gmail.com

Please consider donating to my album, 5% of all donations go to RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) is the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization. RAINN created and operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline (800.656.HOPE) in partnership with more than 1,000 local sexual assault service providers across the country.)

Thank you ALL for your support of this music, it means the world to me.
$40 = 1 hour in the studio ~ $5 = gas back and forth to the studio! It all helps.

LOVE,

ALM

 

 

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Welcome everyone! I took a Thanksgiving week hiatus from writing and today I’ve returned with some wonderful experiences that had nothing to do with shopping or Black Friday!

Dedication: Mister Rogers, one of my two most-important people (alongside Dr. Maya Angelou), is the subject of my admiration today. All too often we hear statements like, “Kids these days, the don’t know how good they have it.” Or “If you’d only just ____(insert someone else’s desired action here)____, then you’d be better off.” Well, Mister Rogers did not subscribe to those kinds of perspectives. He was an integral part of my childhood. Something I realized today, is whenever someone shows me nurturing and care, I get emotional. I become so emotional sometimes, that I cry – even if it’s only on the inside. When someone shows genuine care and wants nothing from me but my wellbeing, it affects me in ways that are unexplainable. I would like to thank Mister Rogers for inspiring vulnerability in children. When I can remember, I work on it. Vulnerability and trust of others are core tenants to happiness, I do believe. Even though I struggle greatly with both at times, I can think of Mister Rogers’ and do my best.

The new movie about him with Tom Hanks is exceptional. Go see it.

Song:https://youtu.be/98wVFsIt-MQ This is Mister Rogers singing “I Like You!”

Dear Humans, The candles on the table are burning down, exposing the light behind the Virgenes de Guadalupe (that’s right, there are two on my table.). It takes time to let the light shine sometimes. Today, the light shone through the trees onto my favorite rock. Around here, Bruce calls it the “magic rock”. It’s lovely to sit on it and read as you listen to the stream bubbling across the rocks. The elm drops her leaves all around so it’s covered in yellow at this time of year. I was inspired to go and sit there today to do my weekly song series video. Here’s the link to that: Tuesday Song Series w/Anita Lorraine!

This week, I am headed back into the studio to re-record the Changin’ Time Blues. The original recording didn’t leave room for a solo and Bruce has such a sweet solo in that song, I didn’t want to leave it out. Also, the other tracks can’t be recorded until that happens.

It’s coming up on the end of the semester with my two “real” jobs with Democracy Matters and teaching at Alamance Community College. It’s been hectic juggling the schedules as I do not have a very clear handle on time and space. The creativity running through me doesn’t understand clocks and deadlines… I am very much looking forward to the several weeks off. I hope to get into the studio more and to finish the recording sessions by mid-January when I go back to teaching and Democracy Matters starts back from Winter break.

Thanksgiving was wonderful. I enjoyed seeing my sister and her family. They came down from Greenville and we all went to eat buffet lunch in Burlington. Maw Maw and Paw Paw prefer to eat out for this holiday. Fine with me. As long as there is cranberry sauce and stuffing, I’m good. Truly, Thanksgiving is a mixed bag for me, along with a bunch of other holidays. The history of this country is steeped in genocide and praise of greedy murderers and thieves… Thanksgiving and its next door neighbor Black Friday are bedfellows for sure. Many families now choose to, however, focus on their gratitude and make the best of an otherwise jaded history. My classes are learning about those jaded histories and I am proud to be teaching them the real histories of this country. We have to start somewhere. …not all is bad though, I have two families I get to enjoy on Thanksgiving and the Alexanders’ house was amazing. Filled to the BRIMM it was. My (spirit adopted) brother Skip, I have mentioned him here before, came from the Alexander family. It’s sacred to me to be welcomed into their house to break bread. I am grateful for them in my life.

After the festivities, while boycotting Black Friday, I take my nieces and nephews out on the town and we play all day until we’re all so tired we could take naps literally anywhere. I love them. The oldest two are 16 and the youngest are 8 and 3. They are the most wonderful kids. They are sweet, giving, fun, smart, and thoughtful. They are all creative and playful. I’m partial of course. 😉 It was a blast getting to spend all day with them. In fact, that whole day and night was spectacular. I didn’t buy one Xmas gift!

Love to all of you; I hope my political drudgery doesn’t bum you out. I am simply not okay with being silent about how I feel and what I think anymore. So! Love on your heads. Be thankful for what you have and know where it all came from. Xoxo

Anita

This week in pictures: