A Poem Journey for my Bear Clan:

Foggy, Southern Appalachian mountain top

Jasper, 1st gear

February lightning

Rolling Thunder drive

Pouring down rain

Cold

Horses in twilight

Blue barns, old, steady and true

Left on Cut Off road

“Looks like it could be a state line…”

Going out for ice cream and cigarettes

Coulda swore I saw a ghost

Run across the dirt road

lightning lit up the ditches

Up on Talc Mine, going real slow

Up and up, around and down I go

Mimosa Hill, Hawthorne Drive

Ruts in the road make for a bumpy ride

Warm asphalt hisses warm, grey vapors of smoke

Right now and for weeks, with grace

My inner voice has been replaced

By a relentless and blissful singer

If I fall for a tune,

I’m hook, line, and sinker

She sings and sings, on into the blue

Love is the Law and Temporary Tattoo

Black Crow and all Joni’s road songs,

oh how she sings of you.

My sweet song bird, she sings:

“Make adventure from everything you do

Then nothing’s a chore

All has a joyful hue

The smell of rain makes me smile

And You know I’d drive more than a country mile…

To get ice cream and cigarettes for You.”

Dedication: Those who’ve lost someone this past week. Several of my friends have lost loved ones (furry and human) this week and I send this to them with love.

Dear Humans,

Pepita is sitting in my lap today as I write. There is much to say, yet where to start escapes me… My road trip was amazing. It was a much needed and wonderful escape from Alamance County and excuse to explore, I will always oblige. I left here and went to Jasper, Georgia. Left there and went to Florence, Alabama. Left there and went to Little Rock, Arkansas. Left there and went to Chattanooga, Tennessee. Left there and went back home to Saxapahaw.

“Friends are the chocolate chips in the cookies of life.” I read that on a magnet somewhere… I am so blessed to have so many supportive, creative, driven, and talented friends in this world. It is an honor to be in the company of them. Timmi and Bea Bea and Little Gwennie Bear, Charles, Bryan, Joel, Emily and Meg. Time and distance have kept me from these folks, yet both time and distance make for sweet, sweet reunions. I already look forward to next time.

Onward!

Yesterday, I didn’t finish my newsletter because there was so much to do! Returned Sunday night, saw the Spectacles and the Tim Smith band play at the Station by surprise. Prepped and taught class on Monday. Tuesday had therapy (hella intense this week), caught up with Democracy Matters work and taught a lobbying workshop for two schools in Greensboro. That went really well and I left feeling accomplished and excited for my students’ experience and our upcoming lobbying in Raleigh in a few weeks. Today was sort of a catch up day as well, writing this newsletter, catching up with a few folks, then went to Al-Anon. Today, Al-Anon won. I left realizing many things including a re-acknowledgment of the vast amounts of healing I am still working through. Affirmed that I have come a long way in this journey, yet further there is still to go. Patterns have begun to emerge in my realizations and one is the pursuit of unavailability. The reasons for this are immersed in my childhood and damnit, I’m so tired of keeping on finding out about how my childhood made me into the person I am today when I fuck up (or feel fucked up…). Childhood sexual abuse and abandonment have led to some serious patterns of behavior including the pursuit of things/people that/who aren’t attainable and feeling to intrinsically unaware of who I am without the context of how someone else feels about me… People in Al-Anon today spoke of this experience and all I could do was sit there, brimming with tears, amazed at how much I related to them, mourning the child I was never allowed to be. Mourning the girl who has always been responsible and reliable, so much so that imperfection is not an option and holding everyone else to a lower standard while still being disappointed they can’t be perfect… What a perfectly bewildering cycle.

So today, on the first day of Spring, it is a privilege to look back over the last yearly cycle to see how patterns emerge. Here’s to hoping that learning can come from the review. A while back, I may or may not have mentioned this, but I made a pact to myself to no longer going to chase any human. My biggest pitfalls, romantically, have been losing myself, my boundaries, not ever having a sense of wholeness and failing to stand up straight in my own shoes – codependency emerges. All this is to say, fear, it crept inside and showed me reminders of who I used to be and who I am becoming. Parts of this picture are bright and full of potential. Some parts are shadowy and create depth beyond the apparent dimension. I like to compare my experiences to the Loch Ness where Nessie is said to live… There’s a mythical creature living in there, you may never see, but she scares the living daylights out of you and you never know when she’ll rear her head until suddenly, she’s under your boat, Moby Dick style, letting you know, under no uncertain terms she IS still there, still WANTS to be in charge, and could drown you in the murky depths of the sea.

So, upon realizing today how grateful I am for the steps taken to occupy this space, right here right now, I am also beginning to know that I cannot date until I feel ready and whole in my own Self. My priorities are 1. Swimming with Nessie and letting her show me the darkness, so that I may emerge shimmering. 2. Building a solid foundational understanding of who I am, what I need, what I want, what I will not tolerate, what I want to accomplish, where I want to improve and which direction I want to grow. 3. Publishing Anita Kinney’s poetry “Who I Used To Be” and recording the album #SurrenderingToTheSacred ~ Last but certainly not least, 4. Healing this ankle and hiking as much as I can barefoot and connecting to this Earth in a meaningful and spiritually fulfilling way, without pain.

Well… that was intense and vague as hell. This blog is therapy for me – I’m glad I have this outlet as an option along with journaling, tarot, ritual, poetry, and sleep.

Upcoming Shows:

March 31st – private bday party with Crystal Bright

May 18,19 – Glendonfest Location, time TBA

May 28th – Lucky 32 in Greensboro, evening show with Crystal Bright

TBA – Leveneleven in Greensboro – working out details

TBA – Hot Tin Roof – ” ”

July 27th – STARworks in Star NC with Pete Pawsey

Pictures!

TuesDayNewsDay Vol2, Issue 6 – March 12 2019

New poetry book and album plans! Road Trip! Shows to come!

Quote: “W.C. Handy I’m rich and I’m Fay… and I’m not familiar with what you play but I get such strong impressions of your hay day…. Looking up and down old Beale Street… Ghosts of dark town society Come right out of the bricks at me…” Joni Mitchell, Furry Sings The Blues (Hejira album – my favorite and top favorite driving album)

Song: Duh… Live, studio version of the above… with the legendary Herbie Hancock https://youtu.be/IGJyjFhCgkE

Dedication: This week’s dedication is to all those things in this world which make us uncomfortable. Those incidents that make us want to scream out in frustration. Those moments when we’re scared and frozen, in the throes of our limbic system’s natural response to fear, abuse, hurt, pain. Those people from whom we are so different and distant. Those chords which beg to be played after a dissonant note… Our lessons are all learned in these things. Our triumphs are all remnants of moments of struggle. I would wish nothing but for what I’ve had, though not all has been easy, all has simply been. To all the foreign ladybugs, yellow jackets, know-it-alls, freezing nights with no heat, hunger, rape, bigotry, hatred, death, I dedicate this post to you all. Thank you for what you teach. Thank you for being the parts of our lives without which we would know no joy.

Dear Humans,

NEWS: As you may have read last week, the birthing of the “Who I Used To Be” Poetry Life book and #SurrenderingToTheSacred album download card is in the stages of infancy (I.E. I am compiling all of my poetry from before I became Anita Moore and publishing a book complete with my music, drawings, (hopefully pop-ups!, paintings, creations etc.). It will be like the old Me is going to be able to be held in hand, appreciated, honored, and shared as an example of resilience and strength to overcome sexual abuse, poverty, abandonment, and a lifetime of shame and learned behaviors of a secret survivor. I sing to share my story with the world. This project is a culmination of a new chapter. Literally. More to come. I’ll be sharing some of my work intermittently during this process. Some of my poetry goes back as far as 1998 (so far, I haven’t gone through all of it) That’s over 20 years of poetry; an amazing personal, over-time comparison of my personality and expression… a unique vision into a person through one of the most sacred art forms… poetry, song, and time.

Today, I write to you from the outskirts of the Northern Alabama town of Florence, just a stone’s throw from the Natchez Trace (one of several National Parkways ((Blue Ridge Parkway is another))). This trace is a road, once a pathway to go back North after having brought goods down to the Gulf of Mexico to trade or sell. The trace was mostly abandoned after the steamboat came into use. My host has much knowledge of the area having grown up here and tomorrow I head further West through Memphis (the song above is based on that town) and on to Little Rock, Arkansas. He has taught me a little about shooting a bow and arrow and much about life as a single, 80 something year old man. Life isn’t easy, but he’s in a beautiful spot and I am appreciative of his inviting me to come visit. Staying in a tiny guest cabin is lovely – there is privacy, a bucket for peeing, cedar smells abound and at least 50 of those non-ladybug invasive spotted beetles. If only the birds knew to come into this room, they could feast upon the critters which are en masses crawling in the warm, Western window before sunset.

These last few days have been inspiring and have provided an actual vision into the past of American music only (for me) heard on original 45s and LPs and on the radio. So much music has been recorded within a 30 mile radius of where I’m sitting. Muscle Shoals recording studio and Fame recording studios… What a jaw-dropping and humbling experience to walk through the same rooms as the Swampers… to stand in the same recording space as Aretha Franklin, Willie Nelson, and Paul Simon… to touch the keys of the piano Cat Stevens played… to listen in the same Studio A control room of Fame studios (Studio B is under construction) which have shaped much of our memory of American soul, blues, and rock music. I’m speechless and will be processing how amazing this is for a while. My dreams of recording an album are vibrating inside my heart. *buzz buzz buzz*

Last night I played in a circle of old men with guitars, bass, dobro, and harmonica. It was fun listening to them play a lot of the old songs I learned growing up from my grandparents’ day. I played “I Love” (little baby ducks) by Tom T Hall and they lost their shit. (How’s this “little girl” know all these old songs… the surprise is always amusing.) *hahaha*

This road trip is going well so far and it’s good to open up my old road atlas and head out into the morning sun. Back home, from the road, more shows are coming together and I will be posting those when they are confirmed.

Teaching my first semester at ACC has been a learning and eye-opening experience. I tried not to build expectations about who my students would be or how the class would go. I didn’t expect for a significant number of my students to be failing, simple because they’re not turning in their work. Expressing my concern with my director, she assured me that sometimes you just get a class that mostly disappoints you and she was sorry this was my first classroom semester experience. I have been contemplating and writing about how to accept what my responsibilities are and to learn to expect the students to bring to the table their part as well (it would be easy for me to take the blame and wonder what I’d done to cause them to fail.). Luckily, Al-Anon and therapy have given me some priceless tools to recognize my part and to honor other people’s parts – separately. Lucky me! So grateful for those lessons!

Speaking of therapy, a few weeks ago, I started taking a weekly (soon to be monthly) workshop on “Detoxing from toxic parent relationships”. (There’s a giant female blue jay outside the window perched on a tree… so beautiful.) In this workshop, we’re learning to be able to 1. Recognize toxic behavior and 2. How to (as objectively as possible) evaluate that behavior, externalize it, and take the appropriate response route without pulling the proverbial rope. This can be applied to all types of relationships, not just parents! I’ll fill in more once there’s more to share!

I’m about 3/5 of the way finished with my Spring Break road trip. Once I return, I’ll be heading to the surgeon to see about this MRI on my left ankle. There’s a tear and a radiologist is determining the extent of the damage this week. My 2019 focus is going to be healing this ankle, doing my best teaching, playing shows and practicing guitar. I will get back to my community activism when my ankle is healed. Right now I’m taking time to focus on getting right with my body and spirit – you can’t love and advocate for someone else when you haven’t learned how to fully love and advocate for yourself.

#LivingQueryOfTheWeek – For what lessons through hardship are you most grateful? Can you name only one or can you think of many?

Upcoming Shows:

March 31st – private bday party with Crystal Bright

May 18,19 – Glendonfest Location, time TBA

May 28th – Lucky 32 in Greensboro, evening show with Crystal Bright

TBA – Leveneleven in Greensboro – working out details

TBA – Hot Tin Roof – ” ”

July 27th – STARworks in Star NC with Pete Pawsey

This week in pictures!

(Picture update to come when I have service!)

Follow me on Insta to get updates and teaser art! @anitalorrainemusic https://www.instagram.com/anitalorrainemusic/