A Poem Journey for my Bear Clan:
Foggy, Southern Appalachian mountain top
Jasper, 1st gear
Rolling Thunder drive
Pouring down rain
Horses in twilight
Blue barns, old, steady and true
Left on Cut Off road
“Looks like it could be a state line…”
Going out for ice cream and cigarettes
Coulda swore I saw a ghost
Run across the dirt road
lightning lit up the ditches
Up on Talc Mine, going real slow
Up and up, around and down I go
Mimosa Hill, Hawthorne Drive
Ruts in the road make for a bumpy ride
Warm asphalt hisses warm, grey vapors of smoke
Right now and for weeks, with grace
My inner voice has been replaced
By a relentless and blissful singer
If I fall for a tune,
I’m hook, line, and sinker
She sings and sings, on into the blue
Love is the Law and Temporary Tattoo
Black Crow and all Joni’s road songs,
oh how she sings of you.
My sweet song bird, she sings:
“Make adventure from everything you do
Then nothing’s a chore
All has a joyful hue
The smell of rain makes me smile
And You know I’d drive more than a country mile…
To get ice cream and cigarettes for You.”
Dedication: Those who’ve lost someone this past week. Several of my friends have lost loved ones (furry and human) this week and I send this to them with love.
Pepita is sitting in my lap today as I write. There is much to say, yet where to start escapes me… My road trip was amazing. It was a much needed and wonderful escape from Alamance County and excuse to explore, I will always oblige. I left here and went to Jasper, Georgia. Left there and went to Florence, Alabama. Left there and went to Little Rock, Arkansas. Left there and went to Chattanooga, Tennessee. Left there and went back home to Saxapahaw.
“Friends are the chocolate chips in the cookies of life.” I read that on a magnet somewhere… I am so blessed to have so many supportive, creative, driven, and talented friends in this world. It is an honor to be in the company of them. Timmi and Bea Bea and Little Gwennie Bear, Charles, Bryan, Joel, Emily and Meg. Time and distance have kept me from these folks, yet both time and distance make for sweet, sweet reunions. I already look forward to next time.
Yesterday, I didn’t finish my newsletter because there was so much to do! Returned Sunday night, saw the Spectacles and the Tim Smith band play at the Station by surprise. Prepped and taught class on Monday. Tuesday had therapy (hella intense this week), caught up with Democracy Matters work and taught a lobbying workshop for two schools in Greensboro. That went really well and I left feeling accomplished and excited for my students’ experience and our upcoming lobbying in Raleigh in a few weeks. Today was sort of a catch up day as well, writing this newsletter, catching up with a few folks, then went to Al-Anon. Today, Al-Anon won. I left realizing many things including a re-acknowledgment of the vast amounts of healing I am still working through. Affirmed that I have come a long way in this journey, yet further there is still to go. Patterns have begun to emerge in my realizations and one is the pursuit of unavailability. The reasons for this are immersed in my childhood and damnit, I’m so tired of keeping on finding out about how my childhood made me into the person I am today when I fuck up (or feel fucked up…). Childhood sexual abuse and abandonment have led to some serious patterns of behavior including the pursuit of things/people that/who aren’t attainable and feeling to intrinsically unaware of who I am without the context of how someone else feels about me… People in Al-Anon today spoke of this experience and all I could do was sit there, brimming with tears, amazed at how much I related to them, mourning the child I was never allowed to be. Mourning the girl who has always been responsible and reliable, so much so that imperfection is not an option and holding everyone else to a lower standard while still being disappointed they can’t be perfect… What a perfectly bewildering cycle.
So today, on the first day of Spring, it is a privilege to look back over the last yearly cycle to see how patterns emerge. Here’s to hoping that learning can come from the review. A while back, I may or may not have mentioned this, but I made a pact to myself to no longer going to chase any human. My biggest pitfalls, romantically, have been losing myself, my boundaries, not ever having a sense of wholeness and failing to stand up straight in my own shoes – codependency emerges. All this is to say, fear, it crept inside and showed me reminders of who I used to be and who I am becoming. Parts of this picture are bright and full of potential. Some parts are shadowy and create depth beyond the apparent dimension. I like to compare my experiences to the Loch Ness where Nessie is said to live… There’s a mythical creature living in there, you may never see, but she scares the living daylights out of you and you never know when she’ll rear her head until suddenly, she’s under your boat, Moby Dick style, letting you know, under no uncertain terms she IS still there, still WANTS to be in charge, and could drown you in the murky depths of the sea.
So, upon realizing today how grateful I am for the steps taken to occupy this space, right here right now, I am also beginning to know that I cannot date until I feel ready and whole in my own Self. My priorities are 1. Swimming with Nessie and letting her show me the darkness, so that I may emerge shimmering. 2. Building a solid foundational understanding of who I am, what I need, what I want, what I will not tolerate, what I want to accomplish, where I want to improve and which direction I want to grow. 3. Publishing Anita Kinney’s poetry “Who I Used To Be” and recording the album #SurrenderingToTheSacred ~ Last but certainly not least, 4. Healing this ankle and hiking as much as I can barefoot and connecting to this Earth in a meaningful and spiritually fulfilling way, without pain.
Well… that was intense and vague as hell. This blog is therapy for me – I’m glad I have this outlet as an option along with journaling, tarot, ritual, poetry, and sleep.
March 31st – private bday party with Crystal Bright
May 18,19 – Glendonfest Location, time TBA
May 28th – Lucky 32 in Greensboro, evening show with Crystal Bright
TBA – Leveneleven in Greensboro – working out details
TBA – Hot Tin Roof – ” ”
July 27th – STARworks in Star NC with Pete Pawsey