The workshop today

This rhythm is rolling
rolling around inside my undulating chest
and heart
Sitting at this wooden table,
contemplating it not being real
and part of me
and part of you
and I’m not really touching it, it’s touching me.

The music changes, I dream of being a poet.
I dream of being who I am.

I dream of making music unabashedly humble,
grateful to share this gift with the Greats.

To only for a moment think of all those who laid the path before me,
those brave and enduring souls who, pebble by pebble, note by note, stroke by stroke, experience by heartbreakingly joyful, or painful, experience,
tapped in.

They tapped in, not out.
Some through Divine Spirit intervention,
some through straight up booze,
whatever the avenue, whatever the teacher,
it brought about my ancestors of music and word. They walked that road.

Creative muse lingers just outside our reach and we must take heed.
We must cook up that stew

be ready when the salt falls from the shelf to delightfully enrich our slippery, sensuous, slimy, salubrious, sacred soup.
So thank you. Thank you greats. Thank you oldies, thank you newbies, thank you those who have yet to be born.
Thank you for learnin’ me to open up, stand up straight, be connected to the ground, and lift my head and sing – those notes are not mine, they are Ours.

TuesDayNewsDay Vol 2 Issue 5 Feb 19-20, 2019

Quote: “What’s the daily prescribed dose of happiness?” – Bruce Horvath, my dear friend and lovely, talented guitar player

Song: “His Eye is On The Sparrow” – Mahalia Jackson – This song makes me shiver and quake, all the reasons why I sing. “…because I’m happy. I sing because I’m free. His eye is on the little ole sparrow… and I know He watches me.”

Her Grace, Mahalia Jackson

Hey Humans, Dear Humans,

Tonight, I write to you having had a very long day and realized some important things in therapy today. Have you ever thought about your limiting beliefs and belief systems? I have begun to realize that these beliefs and systems systematically keep me from being successful. I mean successful in the broadest sense. Accomplishing my goals, following through with personal projects, making progress toward fulfillment via changing of habitual response to stimuli. I’m going to share with you some thoughts tonight that are very personal, admittedly vulnerable. The wonderful thing about that little troll/angel who speaks these statements inside my head is that she is shining light upon what I need to see to move and grow. Therapy today placed this task ahead of me, and what an appropriate day… The Moon in Virgo, opposition the Sun in Pisces. Naimanu James, one of my favorite astrologers suggested some tarot readings with certain questions and the two which spoke to me were, “What is floating up to the surface for me to tend to this full moon? Where in my life do I need to get more consistent in my cleansing and clearing practices?” My answers as of right now? What’s floated up in here? Realization and awareness of my own limiting beliefs! Where do I need more consistency in cleansing and clearing? Spiritual trust and guidance to release these limiting thoughts. I worked tonight to identify some ideas which bring me joy.

* Finishing my album and holding it in my hand – the actual vinyl record and sleeve!

* Performing my music with a band touring around at music-listening venues!

*Celebrating the end of the day with joy, pride and gratitude for having done a good job that day.

* Waking up in the morning excited about what I get to do that day.

* Sharing my life with someone who is encouraging, supportive, driven, funny, playful, considerate, passionate, talented, honest, open, communicative, justice-minded, fair, feminist, hard-working, dedicated, focused, organized, sexually fulfilling, thoughtful, healthy, sober, assertive, gentle, non-smoker, shares my love of music, non-snorer, independent, critical thinker, creative, cultured, spiritual, emotionally mature, self-aware, honors wildness, has impeccable follow-through, punctuality, good grammar, outdoor skills/knowledge, strong, sensitive, can sing/harmonize with me, magical!

(Why am I so afraid to put this out here? Afraid I’ll be judged by all the things I want in a person, an unfair list of qualities? Afraid I’ll never find this person? Afraid that I don’t live up to all of these ideals myself? Of course these are the reasons why I am afraid to share with the world my desires for a mate. Fear dictates what I am willing to share, so here goes. I’m doing it anyway in spite of my fears.)

So after making this list of ideas which bring me joy, I decided to start with the first one and list out my limiting beliefs about that idea. I am ASTOUNDED as I look at the PAGE – it is FULL. Also, there are tons of beliefs I am sure that I didn’t even think of which exist in my heart and brain that limit me and my success… Here are what I came up with just on one page:

What are my limiting beliefs about the idea of finishing my album and holding it in my hand – the actual record and sleeve? (Get ready.)

  • I can’t afford it right now.
  • If I don’t meet my deadline of June 26th, I’ll have failed everyone who donated money last year to start this project.
  • My music isn’t good enough and I don’t deserve to succeed at music.
  • Music isn’t important work (compared to social justice work or running for office and “making an impact”).
  • I’m not pretty enough to be famous/well known.
  • My guitar skills are totally mediocre and no one wants to play with me because I’m no good.
  • My songs, no one wants to hear them because they’re too emotional, simple, repetitive, basic, boring, shitty… I play them different every time.
  • My message of survival will be drowned out and no one will hear me or what I want them to hear.
  • I won’t inspire anyone.
  • People would rather me play with my more talented friends than me alone.
  • I don’t have what it takes to record an album.
  • I’m not talented enough to record in a studio.
  • I’ll just be wasting my time.
  • I’ll feel ashamed I was only half-assed.
  • I could have been a better musician, but my lack of resources/money/support as a child taught me that I wasn’t important enough to pursue such lofty goals.
  • Even hard work doesn’t get poor people to success because the system is against them.

Wow. Just Wow. That’s not all, I could write for days the things that run through my mind… The blessing now is, I’m beginning to recognize these limiting beliefs and see them as such instead of TRUTH. I get to symbolically take that idea, place it in my hand, examine it and determine “Is this true?” “What information do I have to prove to the contrary?” “Would I tell my best friend any of this while she is pursuing her dreams?” “Why am I talking to myself this way?” THEN I get to answer those questions, transform those thoughts into learning opportunities, and move forward toward reaching my dream of making an album and touring with a band, and singing my music.

So there – some heavy, scary stuff I have shared here today, but it feels good to own it, even embarrassing. The good part about this is that I’m acknowledging that this is a process of learning. I was told today that once I get better at doing this work for myself of evaluating truth from limiting belief, I’ll be an even better musician.

So happy birthday to me, I am now officially 36 years old and this TuesDayNewsDay is coming out on a Wednesday. ❤

I drew the ace of cups (The Wild Unknown Tarot Deck) – how appropriate: (from Carrie Mallon a tarot reader I respect and love to read) The Ace of Cups can signify the onset of feeling-based experiences. This card can remind you to open your heart, to allow your emotional energy to move freely. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you are feeling without labeling it as ‘good’ or ‘bad.’ This card often appears when we need to proceed with compassion and respect the signals our feelings are giving us.

Happy Pisces season to everyone, enjoy the emotions and flow. I am so far. 😉

Upcoming shows: on temporary hold for now until after I get this MRI for my ankle and go to an opthemologist about these eye spasms I’ve been having. I’m working on confirming and planning house concerts over the next two weeks then it’ll be Spring break and I’m going to Muscle Shoals, Alabama to see a good old friend and learn about one of the most famous music recording studios in the history of American music.

#LivingQueryOfTheWeek – Identify a goal/dream for yourself that inspires joy for you. What can you do to make it happen?

This week in pictures:

Pete and I on our way to play a Valentines show in Star, NC. He’s driving his new car, Baby Angel, she wants to drive, I want to stop and take a photo of us in his new car. ❤Protesting this week inBurlington at Senator Rick Gunn’s office Giving a press conference about why we need to expand Medicaid in NC.Crocuses all confused and blooming at Pete’s house. Dinner I made for my new roommate. Reverence farms made the meatloaf… so good. Full of SAGE!

TuesDayNewsDay Vol 2 Issue 4 Feb 12, 2019

Quote: To Maggie, “‘Glomp‘ v, to glomp, NOT sexual, it is the action of one person lovingly (and dramatically) attacking another with a hug. A glomp is often predatory and lies somewhere in the grey area between a caring embrace, and a flying leap to tackle someone. Example in real life, “A runs at B as if to bowl her over, but instead picks up B and spins her around while squeezing her tightly.” (Definition of glomp found on Maggie replies… “omg that’s a thing?! I’d flip someone over onto the ground.” (This was the hilarious outburst of the week, perhaps even month. I love Maggie. This is absolutely her worst nightmare. It’s my job to make sure that never happens, else she’ll “catch an assault charge.” PS scrolling through Urban dictionary is an alarming yet informative place to understand modern lingo. Often it’s hella sexist and misogynist but sometimes you find a gem, text it to your friend, and get to laugh for an hour.

Song: “Life Every Voice And Sing” – Feb 12, 1900 this song was first publicly performed! (Zinn Ed Project)

Dedication: Oasis Counseling in Burlington, NC. Seriously, this place has helped me to change my life. Just over a year ago, I started seeing a therapist there and began this journey of self-awareness, healing, and restorative work. I could not be more thankful. As I come up to my 36th birthday on the 20th, I’ve been called to remember how far I’ve come and how grateful I am for every brick in this road. (Yellow brick road, right?)

Dear Humans:

I’m eating leftover grits for lunch. Yummmm. You may wonder why I write this blog/newsletter. I write it for myself mostly, so I can have a mechanism to look back over the last week (or two weeks now and then) to review all that has happened and all that has been accomplished. Often, I forget how much I do… I have berated myself for being lazy or not ______ enough (insert descriptor here). I use this tool to remember everything, gives me a moment to reflect and share all I am proud of, working through, frustrated with and excited about. Last time I went through all the things I had done (that were in my calendar) and I was taken aback by how much two weeks could encompass! While moving, being sick, traveling, and helping Maggie move too. So here goes these last two weeks, in a run-on sentence. (I like those sometimes.)

Blocking one’s schedule, ever heard of that? Well I did that. It’s where you work in small chunks instead of randomly throughout the day. After 8+ years of working from home, I finally got that together, and thankfully so! I actually have time for lunch now! Two therapy appointments the last two weeks have helped me to realize just how *too* much I have on my schedule. Blocking off my time has helped slightly, but according to my values and passions, I have allowed very little time to what I feel the most passionate towards… that’s right. Music. However, to be fair, I have been moving for several weeks and had to travel weekend before last and also I was sick for almost a week. Give a girl a break! 😉 On the 1st, Bruce took me to the airport, my eyes have been doing this crazy thing where they randomly, and without my permission, spasm off to the left and leave me feeling swimmy and it sounds like I’m underwater for several minutes after… It happened twice before the NY trip and I decided that the less I drive, the better. Flying was odd with a stuffed nose and fear of eye spasms, but was successful nonetheless and then I had to drive from Newark to Albany, a 2.5 hour trip on top of it. Thank goodness for Trader Joe’s and chocolate chip cookies. While in New York, I taught at a national training conference and was in charge of about 90 people attending the event. The hotel’s water mane blew up and flooded the foyer, my immobilized boot got wet… and I learned afterward that some of my students were playing a racist card game thinking they were doing the world a favor by making fun of people and being smart asses. Had to nip that in the bud and though I couldn’t do anything about the flooding or hour long alarm that was going off (after midnight), I was content in knowing that very soon I’d be heading home to get in my own bed after it all was over and that 80 kids were going back to their campuses with a lot more training and passion than they’d had before. A CT state Senator and NY Congressman spoke as our keynotes and I was moved by their amazing stories. I also was able to fulfill my one guilty pleasure once a year by going to Forever 21 in Albany and basking in all the nonsense that is teenage style these days. I got a jean jacket for $12. Whooptidoo. 🙂

Arriving home from New York, a new friend picked me up from the airport and I giggled the whole way home, though tired, it is a blessing to be around those of similar humor. This person is definitely that! We laughed til I pee’d. Upon returning to my home, I was relieved and sighed as I hit the proverbial hay. That week, I continued moving, fixing toilets, installing gadgets and hardware to things, caught up with old friends, had hot dogs and visited the new Hospice thrift store in Burlington. What a modern-day wildlife treasury chest-o-stuff! I went to the doctor to see about this eye-spasm thing and soon I’ll be headed to an opthemologist to see what the hell!? Al-Anon was difficult last week, the subject matter was denial and putting up with more than is necessary because we think we can do no better and that we deserve no more. Untrue on both accounts, yet it happens every day to so many people… My roommate and I ate my turkey tacos and went to see the new Ruth Bader Ginsburg movie “On The Basis of Sex”. The movie was good and I am so inspired by her story, but we had our critiques. Christine made a wonderful point that we only got to see how she got through the landmark case that landed her to success, and not how she became a Supreme Court Justice… I tend to agree. I had a first date with the new friend who drove me home from the airport and got to sing jazz in public all in one night, that was wonderful. I met a NFL player who’s traveling the South hoping to help with grassroots organizations doing restorative and social justice work. The Tom Waits cabaret was a repeat success in Durham at a joint called Arcana last week. I think I did a better job at Diamonds and Gold this time than before! I saw a new band at the Station in Carrboro by surprise (trying to see Emily Musolino, but I was too late to catch her set after the Cabaret). Over the weekend, I was grateful to chill slightly while preparing for class yesterday. I taught class last night and realized that my students aren’t reading the material before class. I implored them to work a little harder and come to class having read the chapter ahead of time so I’m not just talking the whole time. Maybe they heard me… CRAAP! 😉 *You’ll get why this is misspelled later*

All in all, things have been nuts, as per usual. Today however, in therapy, I broke down. Last week was an intense session, but I wasn’t as focused in on the issues at hand. This week, I broke in two realizing that I can’t do all that I have on my plate and maintain a healthy brain/heart relationship and heal my ankle. Meditation has been something I’ve been wanting to do but have inadvertently avoided since day one. I want to walk, but I can’t with this ankle injury. When one has the debt I’m saddled with, there’s no choice but to work. I can’t end my work. I can’t end my music. My priorities are beginning to become clear. There are some important things which need to take a back seat if I am to “get my shit together” and really truly heal this ankle, and in time, my mental health. Somehow, I have to put my values and my health first…

#LivingQueryofTheWeek – What are your most important values? How do they inform your work? Relationships? Fun?

Upcoming Shows: This week I play in Star, NC on Valentines with Pete Pawsey! SHOW IN STAR, NC

Playing again with Pete at Steel String in Carrboro on the 17th from 4-6. SHOW AT STEEL STRING

I will have my own all-day show of badassery on Feb 20th, when I turn 36 for once!! YAY!

Confirmed a show with Crystal Bright on the 28th of May at Lucky 32 in Greensboro. More info on that to come.

I am working on a collective undertaking of improving my house concert plans and following up with those who expressed interest in hosting! If you’d like to host an Anita Lorraine house concert, holla!!

LOVE YALL! Thanks for your support 😍

This week in pix (last 2 weeks):

Magz and the Farnsworth!

CRAAP…. do they know the difference? Pepita…. wondering when she’ll be fed… again…Turkey Tacos!!Me in my granddads shirt. What I do when I’m not doing anything… watching Grace and Frankie. About once a week for about 2 hours… that’s all the TV I have time for…

The sun came out and I walked in it barefoot. WTF January? Oh wait, it’s February… my favorite monthTarot cards for February… Someone went downtown… or knows someone who did… The sunset in New York headed back to Newark from Albany on Sunday.The crazy crew from the conference!! Buncha wonky political nerds. I love ’em.LOVE this combo! Do you think of this song when you see this word? I absolutely do. Every time.Thank GOODNESS FOR BATHS.What I’m reading right now. It was recommended by more than three people to me. Thought I would take heed.Funny numbers. Sweet notes.Girls and their thrift store habits.Girls and their outdoor habits.