Yesterday. It was going to be TuesDayNewsDay, but after my morning walk with Bruce and Sadie through the crackling woods, I had to go have a painful procedure. Saw this cool message on the side of a building in Greensboro on my way “honesty is one of our most valuable tools.” Love that. About the procedure? So that sucked. Is still kinda sucking, but after the ibuprofen kicked in last night finally, I felt well enough to get to go see Crystal, Robert, and Danny at the Cave. I even sang Loverman and Fly Me To the Moon, w/Robert on the piano and Danny on trombone. Very nice.

Today, pain still lives here… since 4:30am… so Im going back to bed after a brekkie attempt at the Gen Store. Wasn’t much hungry, but I tried. Yesterday was a rough one with the usual valleys and hills, valleys a little more like a dark holler… hope today turns out better.

The dock, it washed away in the flood

I thought that you would stay

But these tears are real, rolling down my face

And all I can do is cry.

Invited you in, longer than a dream,

meant so much more to me than to deny

I feel your arms around my sides

and all I can do is cry

I wished on the Moon you’re somewhere safe

And I dreamed I saw your face

You held me tight, said all you never said

I had to turn and walk away

Trains don’t wait, they never say goodbye

this heart in knots and tied

time has made us ghosts tonight

and all I can do is cry

My friends all think you used me dear

A hummingbird, it flies

on to the next sweet blossom near

And all I can do is cry

I awake alone in this bed on the floor

Look out the window to the sky

The bluebird perched knows what’s in store

she knows all I can do is cry

Grandfather calls me his tender-hearted girl

Who falls in love too fast

Moon’s nearly full, She’s on the rise

And all I can do is cry

This Heart it breaks, a heavy stone

It sinks inside my mind

It ripples from where you skipped it dear

And all I can do is cry

I may not see your face again

The one I dreamed of last night

I hope you’re warm in the cold cold night

This morning all I can do is cry

The poor dock seems to have washed away in the night!
Half Moon Rise!
Summer Cowgirl style

I went to Al-Anon today and we are having a special month-longs session dedicated to relationships and intimacy. Today’s topic was conflict and it was hella poignant. I want to share these questions and if you give yourself a little while to answer the questions for yourself, it helps for self-awareness and help to decide what about your behavior you would like to understand.
1. How would I define conflict?
2. With whom do I most often have conflicts?
3. What are common/recurring conflict areas for me? (addictions, money, sex, time together, chores, parenting, family, stressors challenging our sense of love and fairness?)
4. What are examples of challenging conflicts that I’m involved in/affected by?
5. What is it so hard to embrace (or at least address) conflicts? Are there perceived vs. real risks?
6. What happens when I don’t embrace (or at least address) conflicts?
7. Why should I embrace conflict?
8. When and How can I healthily embrace conflict? With how much “force”? How should I vary my response by person, situation, importance? Vary my level of trust, set ground rules, etc?
9. What program tools (steps, traditions, concepts, slogans) can I use to embrace conflict?

Some of my answers:
1. How would I define conflict?  Feeling unease w/a situation and fearful to express myself directly and fully – I am afraid of abandonment, invalidation, and even violence if I bring up something that makes me upset or uncomfortable.  Then I often have conflict within my own mind and heart, doubting the reasons for my unease to begin with.  I’ll sometimes even invalidate my own feelings, thoughts, and experiences unknowingly in order to avoid conflict.

2. With whom do I most often have conflicts? Myself… romantic partners…  I very rarely have conflict with those who I am not connected to, acquaintances or strangers.  (People I don’t know well.)

3. What are common/recurring conflict areas for me? (addictions, money, sex, time together, chores, parenting, family, stressors challenging our sense of love and fairness?) * Proper, respectful communication (my expectation of that and my conflicting behavior of avoidance that ends up in the same behavior…) *myself -> judgement of actions and “the shoulds,” time management/productivity/follow through. *fear of judgment when expressing my honest opinion *lack of appreciation for work that I have done for someone
4. What are examples of challenging conflicts that I’m involved in/affected by? *Criticism from others is challenging.  *Recognition that others’ actions/opinions are reflections of them, not me *trying to control other people’s decisions by subtlety vs. directness/assertiveness *inconsistent behavior (actions vs. words, do as I say.. not as I do..)

(I haven’t answered these questions yet, but I’ll share later once I have time to consider them and respond.)

TuesDayNewsDay Vol.1, Issue 7 November 13th, 2018

Quote(s): “There’s nothing sadder than losing yourself in love.” – Killing the Blues, Raising Sand album from Allison Krauss and Robert Plant – I must remember this.

Song: It Was Just One of Those Things – I like the simplicity of Diana Krall’s version:

Dedication: This week I dedicate this to my dear cat, Pepita. She is one of the best cats I’ve ever met. She’s sweet, affectionate with love, she occasionally drools, she’s SO soft, and she is my tiny companion. She hates travel; lately we’ve had to transport to different, temporary locations for house sitting. She never hates me for it afterwards and is always ready to touch noses to say hello. She gives me enormous comfort. I love that chick.

Dear Humans,

Today, it’s raining again here in Saxapahaw and the river very nearly burst its banks this afternoon. The tremendous amount of rain pushed that muddy river up higher than I have seen it in my whole life. There were news crews and humans looking on and over the bridge most of the day. I went on my walk and checked out the scene. SO much water. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to canoe when it’s like that. I’d have to tell my grandmother I was going on a picnic or something and only after I returned safely, tell her exactly what I’d just done. I used to go cliff jumping over at the Eno quarry back before the state bought it and it was private property. That jump is only about 15-20 feet, but I’d just tell Maw Maw that I was going swimming. After I came back and told her about the jump, she perpetually asked me there on out if I was really ONLY going swimming…

Today’s newsletter is going to be a bit shorter than usual, I’m feeling a bit blasé. Might be the rain. It was a good week, nothing to complain about. Stayed in mostly, did some house sitting and cleaning up/purging my closet. Mine and Pete’s show on Saturday ended up not happening due to weather. I got to see a huge group of friends in Greensboro (ate a few delicious delicacies of the pineapple persuasion). It was nice to be sober. I haven’t had any alcohol in a few weeks. It’s a lovely thing to not have to worry about getting home safe after a party. I really like that. Sunday, got to hang with Bruce all day and my dear friend Phil got to come visit too! Yesterday, I worked with my students all morning and afternoon, and last night, I watched the rest of the new season of House of Cards. That show is thrilling to say the least. I would definitely recommend it. I also watched a movie called Nappily Ever After, also a damn fine watch for women who find themselves hitching their self-worth on the value judgements of other people and society rather than from within. It is also a compelling commentary on the black woman’s experience growing up in a white dominant society when it comes to appearance and expectation of appearance.

I’m very tired today, I’ve had a lot on my mind of late about relationships and communication, intuition and time management, distraction and intention. Think I’ll go to sleep instead of typing any longer. Hope everyone has a lovely week. Happy Tuesday.

#LivingQueryOfTheWeek : Why is taking a bath so damn good? It helps me sleep when I take a bath before bed, I feel cleansed and relaxed. So now, My eyelids are heavily drooping. Goodnight y’all.

Upcoming Shows:

Fri, November 23 – Me-n-Bruce 7:30-9:30pm, Asheboro, NC @ #Bottle&Can

Fri, November 30th – Anita Lorraine with Bruce Horvath  7:00-9:00pm, Saxapahaw @ #TheEddyPub

More to come.

This week in pictures:

The Haw River today swollen with all the water from our latest downpours.Kitties meet. Pepita and Juno and Jitterbug Perfume.Bruce’s chili and my corny pepper blue corn cornbread.I found this corset at a clothing swap and we were trying to figure out how to put it on. It was upside down. Happy birthday Magz. Bruce chopping wood.We said to Willow, “Lay Down” and she did. Right on our feet.Breakfast with Andrea and Alison (Alison’s first outing since she broke her poor ankle!)Jonathan Byrd and the Pickup Cowboys on WednesdayFeetz at one of my favorite local waterfallsBruce and Willow at Breakfast

TuesDayNewsDay Vol.1, Issue 6 November 6th Election Day – 2018

Quote(s): “Actions speak louder than words.”  (Classic, true. Very important.)

“If you are willing to look at another person’s behavior toward you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time cease to react at all.” – Yogi Bhajan (One of the greatest pieces of information ever to cross my path.  It took me a long time to understand – and it is still a daily lesson to remember it. I was able to share this with a student who’s been dealing with some interpersonal issues and it felt very good to pass it along.)

Song: Temporary Tattoo, by Jonathan Byrd – “I washed it off with the dirt, I didn’t want it to hurt.  …You didn’t understand you were wearin’ the brand of a damn fool. All I could do was a temporary tattoo…”  This song was running through my mind all day yesterday.  I probably listened to it 30 times. I’ve been a fan of Jonathan Byrd for many years.  It’s a privilege to get to see him and his band play on Wednesdays at the Kraken, a little dive bar nearby Saxapahaw.  The more often than not feature amazing acts and read poetry too. It’s a treat.Dedication:

Today, I dedicate TuesDayNewsDay to All those who organized, protested, and died for our right to vote.  The history and current state of our democracy (representative republic) is tainted by bigotry and racism.  I honor the work of our ancestors to fulfill the dreams of people of color, the poor, marginalized and their families to be equal humans in the name of human dignity. Thank you to all our strategists, poll workers, canvassers, and those who are running for office to change the current, hateful trend of a dying out, clinging to a hateful past occupants of office.  Our votes really do truly matter and if we are to change anything, to quote Chelsea Peretti, now we must “vote like a bunch of school children were shot and a bunch of other children were put into campus indefinitely because they weren’t white and like a journalist was murdered and like you are being lied to by rich liars who harass/assault women & who won’t renounce white supremacy.”

Dear Humans,

Thank you for joining me again on this beautiful, warm, rainy Tuesday.  This last week was chaotic, fun, and filled with activity. Again, another week rolled by without my setting up a structured time management plan for social media or to limit distractions.  I was too busy! (Haha.) Halloween was wonderful. I dressed up in my IncogNitaNitaPurplePeoplePumpkinEata outfit and went to a chili cook off with Maggie. We then went to the City Tap where members of my band were playing with another band called The Spectacles.  I sang a couple songs. It was awesome. A very chill Halloween after all. I ate many many many packages of Smarties and got to help a few people get to the polls to vote early.

My students were doing very cool things this week, one in particular, my campus at New College of Florida in Sarasota did a “Reverse Trick or Treat.”  They walked all around campus, knocked on doors and gave out candy to people while informing them about what’s on the ballot (importantly in Florida restoring the right to vote to felons who’ve served their time).  It was a great success, they may have gained a few new members from their efforts as well, it’s always a goal to grow membership.

I was house sitting for my grandparents last week and enjoyed the slow time.  I didn’t watch TV once! I did however, make my own paintbrushes from an old ponytail of my hair and paint a few pictures.  They were pretty horrible paint brushes, but the process was fun. I’ll try again, that ponytail is nowhere near being finished.  I went to see Bohemian Rhapsody and ate nachos at the movie. I liked the movie. I enjoyed the bits of the story I didn’t know about.  I had no idea that Freddie Mercury was from a Zoroastrian family and that he was married most of his life to a woman named Mary. Their relationship was beautiful and tragic, but had real love nonetheless.

My shows this weekend were fun.  Pete and I had a duo show in Star, NC on Saturday night.  Star is a very cool little place. This location is called Starworks Café and Taproom.  Fiva our host is awesome – this joint is an auditory dreamboat. She and a group of folks from the area enjoyed our music and their brownies are impeccable.  The drive out there was lovely as well, beautiful countryside.

On Sunday, the Radar Clowns got back together to do the Tom Waits Rain Dogs album at the City Tap in Pittsboro.  There were many folks there who were looking forward to our weird and awesome full album cover night. I loved seeing people singing along and getting into it.  I put my hair up in those 40s victory rolls and made a suit tailored to my new favorite musical character, Edna Million – in a drop dead suit. 🙂 I did a lot of online forum research and my favorite explanation of Edna Million is this: “Edna Million is a jive version of the poet Edna (St. Vincent) Millay.

‘My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends—
It gives a lovely light!’” –Jockey Full of Bourbon from the Rain Dogs album, Tom Waits

I did not have therapy this week but I nonetheless had some life lessons (every day really).  This week I asserted myself while being vulnerable. Baby steps. What I am beginning to realize is that this emotional therapy work I’m doing with therapy and Al-Anon is taxing.  Working through complex PTSD is hard. I’m learning so much about myself and one of the things I’m having a hard time not judging is my prioritization of self-work and how tired I am because of it.

I was SUPER honored to help host a birthday gathering for Maggie.  We surprised her and went to the Wooden Nickel to celebrate with wings.  She was stoked. I am so glad to have her as a friend. She’s the kind of friend who thinks no one is good enough for me and who sees what I need to see when I can’t see it. She is a blessing.

#LivingQueryOfTheWeek : What are the things you’re not saying that you want to say?  Mine are endless, but the first things that come to mind are self-preservation assertions like, “I am worthy.  My feelings are valid. I can say how I feel without explanation.”

Upcoming Shows:

Fri, November 23 – Me-n-Bruce 7:30-9:30pm, Asheboro, NC @ #Bottle&Can

Fri, November 30th – Anita Lorraine with Bruce Horvath  7:00-9:00pm, Saxapahaw @ #TheEddyPub

Fri, December 14 – One-Hit-Wonders-Reprise!

Sat, December 15 – Anita Moore Trio with Pete and Bruce at the #BerkeleyCafeofRaleigh 8:00-10:00pm

This Week in Pictures:

Show in Star NC – love that space!

waking up with Pepita

Maggie’s Southern translation book at her birthday surprise party!

White Oak Leaf impression

Drawing of the dock at Saxapahaw Lake

The actual dock. ❤

Radar Clowns at the City Tap doing Tom Waits Rain Dogs Album

Jeremy as the Don’t Care Bear

Pete up on the wall at the City Tap.

Exploring Saxapahaw today!