anitalorraine.com

Musician and Activist devoted to Justice, Creativity, and Courage


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What Comes When You Call

Last night, I was feeling some feels.  As I went outside to see the Moon, as per my grandmother’s phone call (we (my Grandparents and I) always call each other to see the Moon) I felt the feeling of the ever elusive inspiration.  Here are the words:

“Pick up the pen, for it does not rest when it lies still, you must catch it for the muse to wake and stay without dreams, in and from your hand, merely the vehicle.” – Me last night.  #WhatComesWhenYouCall  You = The Moon = Me

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Yesterday, I realized that my cellular memories are triggered by drinking.  It lasts for days.  Until I can grasp ahold of my moment-to-moment consciousness (and I realize that is a process, not a destination), I really shouldn’t imbibe.  I’ve had dreams I’d like not to have, dreams that have me making up with someone who it wouldn’t be healthy to even see or talk to, much less make up with.  These dreams and feelings are inspired by a couple of glasses of wine here, one glass there.  I quit drinking altogether for about 3-4 weeks and then Thanksgiving had two glasses of wine.  Then two glasses the following Tuesday, one on Wednesday, THREE on Saturday night and then another one Sunday.  I’m counting because it counts.  For me.  Codependent behaviors are only amplified with alcohol.  Codependent thought patterns are given a megaphone inside my mind when I’ve been drinking, if only occasionally.  So again, I shall abstain.  Recovery from complex PTSD and depression and being able to actually know, familiarize myself, and sit with my feelings is a tall order!  I had a very hard week last week, emotionally and very very busy with work and outside stressors.  I didn’t even realize that I needed time to process all that; it was all just GO GO GO! BRUSH IT OFF!!  Lesson: slow down, realize when you’re on a hamster wheel and when you need to get off. Last night’s Moon helped me to step off and feel the feelings.  Yesterday’s EMDR session catalyzed the awareness that I’d impulsively been masking some significant sadness with booze.  I did a hard thing last week, I need to sit with that.  Thank you Universe for helping me see.  Much gratitude to my friends who I know are there even when I don’t call or talk about this stuff…