Greetings. So last time I was exploring this self-interview and answering the questions right off the cuff. Today I will continue to do so – acknowleging that I am on a path to self-awareness. At this moment, I feel more receptive to learning about my deepest inner challenges and to use these lessons to help me to define my life’s work, my path, and to fulfill my dreams. Up until this point, most of life has been in the service of others. This is one of the most important aspects of who I see myself as, as a person. However, old habits of self-protection and rationalization of abuse and neglect in my past have created some very destructive patterns of thought. Thoughts I am trying to better understand and move through right now. These patterns have created a past of ignoring my own needs (whether I realized it or not) and cowering to my fears, sometimes to the detriment of my own self-esteem and confidence because I lost touch with or gave away the self-love/self-care aspect of myself. This may come as a surprise to those who love me, but if you’ve lived in here as long as I have and heard the things I’ve told myself, you might wanna beat that inner voice of mine up as much as I do/have. Conversely and interestingly, I am stepping away from the desire to squelch that negative, destructive, limiting inner voice and towards embracing her, learning from her, and giving her the time and space to be heard, yet not judged or taken personally, and not even internalized. I find solidarity with my work to realize that I am not alone and that in my harmful self-talk past, I can grow and learn and appreciate what there is to be built upon toward a more self-aware, assertive, and purposeful future. A more breathing-friendly now moment. In that light, here goes the rest of this interview:
14. What Was The Most Important Thing You’ve Done So Far?
Have you really done something important? Something that changed your life fundamentally? Or something that changed somebody else’s life fundamentally? Why was that important? Answer with first thing that pops out in your head.
Helping my sister escape from a dangerous and unhealthy family existence. For a long time, I blamed myself for so many things (namely letting her down), but when I realized I did the best I could do considering all the circumstances and how proud I am of her for building her beautiful life and family despite of all of the tremendous potential setbacks, I see this as the beginning of my life’s work.
15. What Was The Most Stupid Thing You’ve Done So Far? Do you consider you’ve done stupid things in your life? I think everybody does but not everybody admits that. Most of the people blame the circumstance, the karma, the others, everyone except them. Do you have the power to accept you’ve done a really stupid thing?
I really don’t like the word stupid. I was called that as a little girl, when the truth is that I’m not. I’ve doubted by intelligence my whole life because of that word. Never tell a 7 year old they are stupid. It cuts marrow deep. My mother said that to me, I am only just now realizing it is just a word. I can take it or leave it. I’m choosing to leave it. That said, being dishonest is the worst thing I think I’ve done. Not being straightforward about my heart, choosing not to be genuine for selfish reasons. I’ll spare you the details, but I learned my lesson, in a very serendipitous sort of way, just about two weeks ago in fact.. It’s a powerful feeling to admit when you’re wrong and own up to those decisions. Completely owning my mistakes is one way to live humbly and truly according to the principles I would like to live by.
16. Do You Love Yourself? Like really, truly accepting everything about you. Does it happen to hate yourself? Most people do that without even being aware. Just answer the first thing that pops to your head, again. Usually, this is exactly how you feel about yourself.
I do love myself. I can’t even believe that I’m typing this right now. It would seem that I’ve lived with a love/hate relationship within my heart and mind. Emotional being vs. logical thinking – I never really learned how to weave the two in a healthy way, historically (and honestly, currently at times) creating self-doubt and overthinking. Every day I get closer to understanding I am a child of god, a “manifestation of the divine” as my dear friend Michelle would say. Doing the best I can. Living life with love. Living by example.
17. What Do You Fear The Most? That might be difficult. But also liberating. Your biggest fear is most of the time your escape door, if you face it with enough courage. Can you think at something that scares you really hard? Maybe answering to this question will really frighten you?
Losing my grandparents and terminal illness. I don’t need to say much more about that.
18. What Is Your Favorite Word? You must have one, everybody does. It might be the one you’re saying all day long without realizing or it might be something that really makes you feel good when you’re telling it. Most of the time, there’s an unconscious link between your true self and this word.
Shrubberies… I wonder what the connection is?
19. When Was The Last Time You Cried? Admit it. Everybody cries. Men, women, kids. It might be something you’re not very proud of, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happened. What was so powerful that really cracked you up inside? Think about it and let it emerge again. Make peace with it. If you can.
Yesterday, in the shower.
20. What Is The Best Thing That Could Happen To You Right Now? In this exact context, what’s the only thing that could shift your entire existence if it will manifest right now? Many people tend to give a certain amount of money as a number, but in my experience this will only maximize the problems, not making them go away.
A total, simultaneous all-human Twilight-Zone style glimpse into how the world could be if we all loved each other and chose love over hate.
21. What Is The Worst Thing That Could Happen To You Right Now? Again, what’s the only thing that could negatively impact your life right now in a way that you wouldn’t believe it’s possible? Between those two possibilities lies your entire lifespan. How is this lifespan? How large is your road are you traveling now?
I have no idea. I have hope that whatever is thrown at us, we adapt, we do our best, we move on or not. Global catastrophe came to mind. You know… or not.
22. Picture Yourself In 5 Years From Now… Not really a question, but definitely an interesting answer. Can you see yourself in 5 years from now? How would you look? How would you behave? You would do the same things are you doing right now? Don’t write a full story, a single, concentrated sentence would be enough.
5 years from now, I’ve finished my law degree, I’m working for a human and civil rights organization I am passionate about and I’m starting or being in a family with someone special. I do want children (my own and/or adopting/fostering). Trump is no longer in office and activism has crept up into the everyday American’s psyche enough that extremism is being pushed back against with every ounce of willpower we all have. I am preparing to run for office.
23. Do You Regret Anything? If yes, what exactly? If not, why not. Regrets are usually strings we didn’t pull entirely from our past, leaving us tied up to a context which is not longer real. Facing your regrets will reveal parts of yourself you thought you forgot. Important parts of yourself.
No. I used to. I do not any longer. This is something I have just recently unhinged in my psyche. Good riddance!! 🙂
24. What’s The First Thing You Do In The Morning? Just after you open your eyes. Is it a thought? Is it a gesture? We all tend to create a morning routine and it seems that this routine is shaping our entire diurnal activity. Have you ever thought what is the first thing you do in the morning?
Snuggle with my cat Pepita. Check the weather. Stretch in bed. Cuddle with Pepita s’more. Decide on coffee or tea and breakfast. Think about the previous day, the day ahead, look at whether the sun is shining into my room or if it’s cloudy. Breathe slowly and close my eyes and dream of breakfast…
25. What Are You Thinking Just Before Going To Bed? Similarly, before you go to bed, you do have preferred thought. What is it? What makes your transition to the sleeping world without any major frictions? What’s your password to the dream realm? What if you would lose this thought suddenly?
What time do I need to wake up? Is my alarm set? How many hours of sleep am I going to get tonight? (I realized just now that perhaps I can augment this thought process and implement some more purposeful thoughts/prayers. -new to-do-)
26. What Was The Highest Point You’ve Ever Been To? Was it a mountain? Or a huge city tower? Whatever feels high for you should go there. I don’t want to know the difference from the sea level, but what exactly you experienced on the highest perceived point you’ve ever been? Fear? Exhilaration?
The Great Divide near Arapahoe Basin and the top of the Pyramid of the Sun in Teotihuacan, Mexico. I felt a great amount of reverence at both places. At the Great Divide I also thought of Kate Wolf. 🙂 My feet tingle and my legs shake when I am up really high. Up at Hanging Rock State Park (my favorite place in NC) I get really shaky – also the bridge above the river at the Tallullah Gorge was REALLY high. I was shaking like a leaf up there, especially after walking all those stairs! I am not afraid of heights, but my BODY sure is… I can feel trembling in my legs and tingling in my toes… exhilarating feeling. I jumped out of an airplane once. That was a riot. I laughed so hard, the whole way down. My tandem instructor told me he’d never heard that kind of reaction his whole time doing skydiving. I am a giggle box turns out.
27. If There’s One Thing In Your Life You Want To Change Right Now, What Is It? Imagine you met a fairy tale and you have only one wish: you could change only one thing in your life. What is that thing? How would you like to change it? If it wasn’t this absolute power you just received, would you still wanted that thing to be changed?
The width of my driveway. Ok seriously, the fine tuning of my self-awareness and being gentle with myself during this process. Also, I want to practice Spanish more.
28. What Are You Proud Of? What is the only thing you’ve done that will instantly make you feel totally and undeniably proud of yourself? When you did that? What were the circumstances? Would you still do the same thing now?
Climbing out of the Canyon del Muerto (https://www.google.com/maps/place/Canyon+Del+Muertofirstname.lastname@example.org,-109.5595881,12z/data=!4m5!3m4!1s0x873a9c89c34d3e71:0xa92587948a3c4848!8m2!3d36.1430599!4d-109.4895503) for the first time with blisters on my heels. The group I was with hiked 17 miles in two days into, through, and out of this beautiful canyon. I had no idea how to properly pack for something like this and my pack was three times as heavy as it should have been. Getting out of that canyon does instantly make me feel totally and undeniably proud. I did that with the help of my dear friend Andrew who was cheering me on even though I was crying and in such pain. When I made it out of there, I felt absolutely amazed at the feat. I would absolutely do it again, in a heartbeat.
29. Sum Up Your Life In One Sentence – If in the next 10 seconds your life will end, how would you describe it? Just once sentence for your entire life. Can you do that? You only have 10 seconds, so you can consider this a speed question.
A woman who despite extreme adversity still inspired the world around her to be better than it was before she arrived.
30. Name The Thing That Annoys You The Most. Is this a mosquito humming? The sounds of a knife on a porcelain plate? Or is it people calling you in a certain way? Friends breaking promises? Being stuck in traffic? Try to remain calm while answering.
Commercials/advertising/billboards/intrusions of any sort that’s sole reason for existing is to sell me something. Can’t stand that. I try to ignore them any way I can. I loved living in Vermont, billboards are illegal. So awesome.
31. What Is Your No 1 Question To God? Yes, it’s your interview, but if you would be able to address one question to God, assuming He will answer you, what would that question look like? What is the most important thing you want to know from God?
My sarcastic/playful question: Is 42 really the answer?
My real question: Why is there so much hate and pain in the world? What’s the point of that? I understand life and death, the cycle must go on, but why the have and the have nots, why these systems of inequality? I truly don’t believe it can solely be summed up into the argument of human nature… (I guess that’s not just one question…)
32. Do You Have Secrets? If yes, why? If not, are you sure? What is your number one reason for having and keeping secrets? Are you afraid of other people reactions? Ar you ashamed? Or you just love to cover things for the pleasure of re-discovering them later?
I have some. I am very private person. I don’t like people knowing my business. On a more intimate level, I don’t want people knowing me too deeply, because there is a potential for being hurt. This is actually something from which I am working on gaining freedom. Freedom via Transparency. It’s for the best, really.
33. What Makes You Laugh? Do you have something that instantly puts you in a totally laughing state? There must be something that makes you laugh out loud. What is it? When was the first time you bumped into that thing?
There’s this message I saved years ago from a dear friend named Stephen that ALWAYS made me laugh out loud. I wish I still had it. It was accidentally deleted when I had to get a new phone. Hmmm….. Timmi Cruz. He always, even just the thought of him puts a smile on my face and a giggle on my heart. Love you brother!
Ok, I lied. There are 34 questions:
34. Are You Happy?
Yes. Right now I am. In 5 minutes I might not be. Life is a cycle. I have moments just like you do. I am happy that I am coming to a better place with that understanding – choosing to brighten the horizon, even amidst all the chaos, is truly a lesson learned through experience and one that I am thankful for, every time.
I am also grateful for Bruce and I playing a show at the Eddy this past Tuesday night. We had such a great time and did a wonderful job together. We’ll have to do it again sometime. In the meantime, I’ll be finishing my Spanish work and limiting distractions as much as possible…