11-15-16 9:41pm Gettysburg Hotel, Room 401.  Wow, just in the last hour I have gone from mood to mood from despair to curiosity to contemplative to glad to peacefulness to questioning to disgust to pain and to feeling sorrow.  I held the partial hand of a man confined to a wheelchair in the elevator.  His name was Rich.  I held the door and eagerly got on it (the elevator) with him.  He asked me what brings me to Gettysburg and I said that I work with the school and Democracy Matters to educate students about the corrosive influence of money in politics in our election system.  He said, sort of asked, “Getting rid of Citizens United.?” I said, “Exactly that. And more.”

It was so nice to meet him, if only for a moment.  I’d just returned to the hotel from seeing the movie, “The Dressmaker” and the movie was good, albeit somewhat depressing but still, I laughed at some parts.  Themes of revenge, miscommunication (intentional and unintentional), love, death, and mother/daughter relationships, and redemption.  After the movie though – at the historic Majestic Theatre – there was an art exhibit about Healing.  People wrote on cards about what they wished people understood, what they wished people wouldn’t assume, and what surprised them the most about their own healing.  The submissions were tremendous, heavy, and inspiring.  For what felt like an eternity, I stood there wanting to contribute but being still and waiting for some sort of approval or for someone to tell me it was time to leave, without me having a chance to write my own submission onto a card.

But I did.  I wrote about the voices inside our heads which are mean and tell us lies about who we are and what people think of us and how they hold us back from realizing our true potential… or something like that.  On the back of the card , I thanked the artists for providing such an outlet via art.  And then I walked out of the Majestic.

I’m feeling quite lost at the moment.  I went into the campus Lutheran chapel yesterday and prayed.  I even searched for the chaplain but he wasn’t to be found.  I walked down the basement hallway and at the end found the choir room.  Unmistakable rows of silent and still chairs and a grand piano, touched with dust yet probably frequently used.  This room reminded me of singing in high school and church and all the choirs I joined voices with so long ago – and I longed for those times.

Yesterday I remembered a happy memory from my young adult childhood of roller skating and feeling like flying yet still anchored to the ground by eight rubber wheels.

I’ve been searching for inspiration to be as energizing in my work as I know I can be.  Look there.  Deja vu.  I’ve felt this pen to this page before.

Today is November the 6th and I’m having one of those mornings where I feel like I should have accomplished a lot already, but really, my inside voice is just being a bitch.  I’ve woken up early, fed the animals, made and eaten breakfast, read a chapter of my book (Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston, just in case you’re interested and want an amazing new book to read), and walked the dog, gathered eggs and fed the chickens… I’m house sitting for my dear friends little farm/menagerie and I’ve accomplished much already.

I will be doing work shortly, to make up for the two days I’ve been behind since my car decided to quit on me Friday afternoon.  Could be the battery… I’m hoping it’s just the battery…

Like many of you, the inner voice tells me things and gives me excuses and keeps me from shining my light at it’s proper voltage.  This is due to depression, anxiety, addiction, laziness, and a lack of assertiveness and will-power.  If you don’t know this about me, then now you do and you may actually be experiencing the same.  I’ve too often considered myself a victim of the abusive past in my life vs. rising above in my own mind.  Giving myself the time of day and showing up for me, because I matter too.  I hope you can have moments where you can rise above those limiting inside voices.  Each moment I hear them, recognize them, and challenge them consciously is a victory in my day.

I’m going to finish my work right now, and go out and enjoy this gorgeous day afterwards. With so much going on in the world, I am glad for the privilege of being able to enjoy a beautiful Autumn day and I hope I honor the Divine by living with more peace in my heart and more will-power to glow brighter every day.  I’m saying prayers for those in the struggle at Standing Rock and all around the world where greed and injustice are the M.O. (in my backyard as well, I see it.) I hope the work I do in this world impacts the long-time struggle for justice and peace.  Because we cannot know peace without justice.  And we cannot know justice without action towards it.