Click below to see the powerpoint…
I feel like I start over
every time I begin
Words are merely words
I’m lost inside these pages
knowing not where I fit
Having trouble, no excitement
where once there was a glowing fire pit
Attempting to start another flame
after the core’s been extinguished
Takes a skill I’ve been lacking
Feeling lost and languished
Yet I sit with this mountain above me
sometimes it feels like it’s on top
I am reminded of a Hobbit
whose future he knew not
Yet he helped to slay a dragon
a nasty hoarder of treasure and gold
and I will help slay that beast
a system of exploitation and sadness untold
I look forward sometimes to the fight
but mostly toward the victory
knowing full well any fulfillment
will start in my own soul’s history
(I found this poem in my notes. It was dated 3/17/2013. This was the turning point in my thesis when I finally realized I was on the wrong path and I turned things around. So glad I did, else I may not be sitting here preparing to present my thesis tomorrow morning, in a completely different direction. How serendipitous that I ran across this poem tonight.)
“Music is like you touch the pulse of the world. Music is always happening, and sometimes you get to touch it for a while, and when you do you know that everything’s connected to everything else.” ― Kim Edwards, The Memory Keeper’s Daughter
Also, hear this song by Heather Maloney, about the Muse and how she only lets herself be seen every 50 lines…
“all my cells are spirit soldiers waiting in formation,
all my cells are spirit soldiers waiting in formation
waiting for your order
waiting for your sign
waiting for your message
waiting in line…”
That truly is how it feels. I am eager to feel the lingering touch of inspiration and dipping my feet into tannic waters.
Today is mother’s day and what a beautiful day it has been, albeit I’m smelling it through half of my swollen, stuffy nose. I woke up this morning very early to have a cup of coffee with my dear friend Bruce on his way to work. He was worried that the coffee shops wouldn’t be open because of the holiday and I assured him that my coffee shop was never closed, unless I’m not home. So at 7:30 I put on the electric kettle, ground up the beans and less than 10 minutes later, we were chumming on the front porch, sipping coffee and watching the sun rise. That’away to start a good day. Especially if afterwards you get to go back to sleep.
Now you people may not know this, but I do enjoy sleeping in, although it IS a very rare occurrence. I so enjoy the mornings for their crisp coolness and the ability to garden in the shade, while the grass still has dew on it’s tips. But today I went back to bed. Yesterday morning I was sick as a dog, running a fever and doing everything I knew to do to kick that fever out the door. I made chicken soup with garlic and sriracha, ate raw garlic, made detox tea with fresh ginger and lemon, and took one of the hottest baths I’ve ever had in my life. Then I dressed all up in wool and covered up with two blankets and laid on the couch for several hours in a sweaty mess. All this because I had to be at work at 4, and waitressing is not easy when you feel unwell. So I did break the fever, but I never kicked the stuffy-head-pressure-pain that was the remnant of that nasty little bug. I waited tables anyhow, because dough is hard to turn down when all you do is make music and since my school-year rabble-rouser position is over until the Fall, I need the cash for rent! Two good things happened though, actually more than two, but I’ll keep them to a minimum… First, there was a beautiful thunderstorm which came through, blowing the trees like seaweed on the ocean floor. I didn’t have to water the garden last night. 🙂
Number two, and unfortunately/fortunately the Saturdays in Saxapahaw were cancelled. This meant that we were SUPER busy and I met some delightful people. Despite feeling bad, I got to feel sideways rain on my face and I was happy. So there are two good things.
After closing last night at the Eddy, watching my friends stumble away into the night, I went home and straight to bed, slept in this morning, awoke and proceeded to go have lunch with my Maw Maw and Paw Paw for mother’s day. It was good to see them, but I still felt like poop. I told her I loved her and she smiled, that’s all that matters. When I came home, feeling rather weary, I went back to sleep for a little nap. How about feeling useless….. and how….
When I got up from my nap though, I felt a little more peppy, had supper at the Eddy (’cause why wouldn’t I want to eat there if I closed last night there too?) came home and planted all the rest of my babies into the ground. All the garlic, all the onions, collards, kale, and cabbages. The tomatoes, I amended their soil with some organic food. They were looking rather flimsy. I hope they come back soon. This garden is so much bigger and more full of food than last year. I may not be able to walk around in there in the height of the season. ~big smile~
So at last I watered everything thoroughly and came inside to eat the last of this delicious spicy carrot soup I made and that’s what inspired this update. So many things in mind, my dear friend Bill’s memorial was on Saturday. I hope he is flying around laughing at all of us for crying over his death. My grandmother is now walking faster than me – it’s been a long couple of years of recovery, but she’s 50 pounds lighter and has a smile on her heart. I’m almost finished with my thesis, something I never saw the end of in the middle of the Winter this year. I am loving. So many things and so many people. Feeling very good about the summer. It will be fruitful and musical, I plan on incorporating some magic up in the mix. Life and birth, death and re-birth. All around us.
Very much looking forward to the upcoming weeks. Reunions with loved ones and culminations of my several year effort to finish this masters degree. Also, I have a show with Tom Woodbury
(my favorite yankee) on Thursday 5/29 at Flat Street in Brattleboro, VT. IF you made it this far in my words, congratulations. I invite you to join me in Vermont and sing along. Love.
Anita Lorraine sings Tennessee Waltz, dedicated to my amazing grandmother at The Eddy Pub in Saxapahaw, NC.