Thanks to Facebook reminders, (sometimes they are a curse, sometimes they are a blessing) a poem/self-pep talk I’d written two years ago, today, popped up on the screen. Two years ago, I’d only just moved back to Saxapahaw from Beech Mountain 3 months prior. I’d been seeing a new therapist for just under a month (Dec 14th is the anniversary of our first meeting, cause I keep up with things like that…) and I was in the midst of having my wisdom teeth removed and learning some wisdom by experience about who to trust and had just begun learning how to listen to my intuition and vertical integrity (trusting myself… I was nowhere near trusting the Sacred Spirit yet). So guess what, today, this reminder has confirmed my morning soul-nourishing work. There are constant reminders from the Universe that I’ve come a long way and am becoming more and more ready to fully embody this Form of Spirit. As I crumbled into openness during this not-too-long-ago time, through EMDR PTSD therapy, eventually joining with Al-Anon, and opening my heart to a few close friends, this passage from two years ago is truly felt. I hope you see this in me, and I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.
Quote: “the first and foremost cause of illness is the loss of faith in the divine.” – Charaka (3rd century BC, Father of Indian Medicine, principle of Ayurveda)
Song: “Red Dust” by James Vincent McMurrow – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWKG-qlRYrU (not the official video, it’s rather troubling.) I heard this song on SOMA.FM (one of my favorite independent internet radio stations)
Dedication: This week is dedicated to Paul and Kim. They let me live with them for the past 6 months or so and I so greatly appreciate the privilege of getting to stay in Saxapahaw until I found a place. I have way too much stuff and they didn’t make too much fun of me for it. Love them both so much.
Dear Humans, This week was tremendously busy. Moving. Teaching. Lesson planning. Presentation making. Starting back the Spring semester with Democracy Matters. Pulling cards day after day with my new Tarot card deck. There’s so much happening. I couldn’t have moved without the help of some dear and new friends, I so appreciate everyone’s help!
Big things this week: Ankle Doc (planning a MRI to see if I need (want) surgery), HR-1 pro-democracy political actions in the works (getting big money out of politics, establishing public-funding of elections, voter protections, etc), taught my 2nd class at ACC yesterday (it was awesome; three new students, interactive and participating students make the teachers world go round), helped Magz paint her upcoming new home, had a lovely sponsor meeting where I talked about vulnerability and the necessity of it…, hosted a Sunday Supper here at the new crib (many surprising faces arrived and I got to play music with Bruce for the first time in weeks!).
#LivingQueryOfTheWeek: What are your favorite ways to make your home feel good to you? Mine are candles and fresh flowers, cozy and heavy bed sheets and blankets, kitty snuggles, and warm, home-cooked meals.
Upcoming Shows: January 17th – Singing Diamonds and Gold at a Tom Waits Cabaret show – 9:00pm The Pit Chapel Hill – https://www.facebook.com/events/220906495504230/ February 8th – Arcana – Tom Waits cover show with the Clowns!
Quote: “Intellect and Instinct Unify” -The Vertical Oracle
Song: “I Can’t Go For That” Haul & Oates ~ this song was running through my friend Bruce’s head today as he was helping me move a bookcase into my new digs. Now it’s running through my head. What do you think he can’t go for? She wants his soul? Or something else more sinister? Songs have a way of being layered with symbolism. https://youtu.be/ccenFp_3kq8
Dedication: Naomi Totten was my high school chorus teacher and the reason why I made it to graduation. I went to Cummings High School in Burlington, NC. I loved my school. I couldn’t decide where I fit in because I ran track, smoked cigarettes in the bathroom with the bad kids, I was a cheerleader (on a dare), got straight As in classes and terrible conduct grades, and also had a part-time job at a local Italian mom-n-pop joint called Angelos. I did a fair share of drugs, starting in middle school, mostly weed and mushrooms, a little LSD here and there and then got into some harder stuff in high school, lots of ecstasy and pressed pills. I remember a point where I was so confused about who I was, I took a bunch of diet pills and tried to commit suicide. I laid on the railroad tracks for hours, sick as a dog and praying for the train to come because I couldn’t move. (This newsletter became pretty serious, pretty quickly I realize… but not to worry, it gets better.).
Mrs. Totten was always getting on my case. She was always telling me I could do better. She ALWAYS believed in me, even when I was being a huge pain in the ass. I was chasing after boys and wondering how I could chase after girls and get away with it… Never once could I sit still enough to really pay attention to what was going on in class, except for one class, chorus. I loved chorus. Mrs. Totten was always challenging me and encouraging me to go home and practice. She encouraged me to sing opera pieces and complex soprano solos for our recitals and concerts. We’d practice SOLFEDGE and sometimes she’d let us lead class with it. If it weren’t for chorus, I probably would have hated high school altogether. The pivotal moment happened when she encouraged me to try out for this all-county chorus opportunity. I had to learn a piece by Handel’s Hallelujah and it was NOT easy. When I went to tryouts, I’d never had to sing in front of people in that context and I was extremely nervous, but I sang my part (of a 6 part harmony song) perfectly. We had to wait a few days for the results and when they came in, I was the only girl from my school who’d made it. The crux of this story centers around the fact that this all-county chorus was put together specifically for a trip to Vienna, Austria to sing in several cathedrals, schools, monasteries, and at this international choir convention just prior to Christmas. The furthest I’d traveled at that point in my life was no further North than Williamsburg, VA, no further South than Myrtle Beach, SC, and no further West than Gatlinburg, TN. This trip changed my life in such significant ways, I can’t tell you all of them.
Mrs. Totten and 5 other choir directors from the 5 other schools in our county led the trip. I was the only girl from my school, so I didn’t know anyone else from the other schools. It may surprise you, but I didn’t make very many friends. I didn’t really try to be honest. I was enamored with the streets of Vienna. I wandered off alone every minute I could to check out my surroundings, the stores, the buildings, listening to people speaking different languages… it was magical. That trip changed my life. Suddenly the world was SO much bigger. I’d had to fundraise for months prior to going, I didn’t have $3000 just laying around. It was worth every dime and every second of effort. I wanted to do right by Mrs. Totten on the trip, her approval meant the world to me. I had more respect for her than for anyone else I can remember growing up. It was this trip that changed my perspective so drastically that I started to realize the mistakes I’d been making in my life up to that point. I began to see how detrimental my social lifestyle was to the potential for me to grow into a whole, happy human. With the support of my boyfriend DC at the time and my dear friend CJ, I basically quit doing drugs, applied to college for vocal operatic performance, quit hanging out with all the drug using crowd, and went on to be extremely thankful for music and what it did for me as a person. I thank music and my talents profusely, however, I feel that without the support, love, and encouragement of Mrs. Totten, I’d have faltered into a statistic and that would have been it. I dedicate this issue to her. She’s one of the main reasons for all of my seasons around here. 🙂 ❤ 🙂
Dear Humans,
Welcome back to the TuesDayNewsDay Anita Lorraine newsletter. It’s been several week since I’ve published, life has happened and so it goes on! The holiday season is not my favorite, but I grin’n’bear it as they say. Music has been spare these last several weeks, other than just playing at the Cats Cradle with Emily Musolino and Crystal Bright. That night was amazing and made me very happy. I felt hella privileged to get to share the stage with such amazing humans.
The stars and planets and Sun and Moon have been doing some good work and I had an epiphany of late that I finally believe in something bigger. Something I have always wanted to find and turns out it really was an epiphany. I got chills. I was sitting on my knees in the Moonlight realizing how small yet how big we can be. It was a beautiful night of manifestation as well. I made a decision there will be no more chasing. In relationships, I have done a lion’s share of the chasing and I quit. I quit chasing boys. I quit chasing girls. I quit chasing my loved ones who can’t be committed to that love. Live and let live. Love and let love. Detachment. It works. Since then, manifestation has been the name of the game and it’s turning out moment by moment perfectly, all in hindsight of course. 😉 I pulled a card from my Affirmators! Love and Relationships deck tonight – it says, “I’m a catch.” ~ “I’m a total catch, and I know all the reasons why. I know that anyone would be lucky to be with me, and that doesn’t mean I’m arrogant or snobby… Self-respect is just one of the many qualities exhibited by this complete and utter babe. Way to affirm Universe! So here goes, I’m going to make a list of the things going on:
1. I just taught my first class at Alamance Community College, critical thinking. It was awesome. 2. New Years Eve I got to go to the beach with a dear friend. 3. Xmas I had to see my mother. Awkward and painful. 4. I’m moving into a new house centrally located in my hometown where I get to people watch all day if I want to. 5. I have a new and sacred relationship with Ritual. I find it vital to my health. 6. I’m wearing an ankle brace right now in order to hopefully avoid surgery… old injury, new insurance! 7. 2019 is going to kick ass and suck. Just like every year. ;). 8. I’m singing in a cool show next week. 9. I ruined a perfectly good haircut by getting happy with scissors a few weeks ago… luckily I know some people… 10. Magic happens, I get to go to Bynum for a hike sometime with someone special after I figure out my ankle situation.
#LivingQueryOfTheWeek – What is god for you? Is it goddess? Is it spirit? For me it’s an amalgamation of the little girl inside of me who saved my ass as a child and this all-everything energetic entity that exists in hindsight who/that gives you insight into all the lessons you’ve learned….
Upcoming Shows:
January 17th – (I’ll fill you in where) Singing Diamonds and Gold at a Tom Waits Cabaret show Orange County somewhere…
February 8th – Arcana – Tom Waits cover show with the Clowns!
This week in Pictures…this last MONTH in pictures!
This Solstice, full Moon, subsequent time lapse post-xmas-pre-new years has been powerful.
Found that I am truly beginning to believe in a power greater than myself. Humbling. Gratifying. Acknowledging solid ground. I cried in the Moonlight pouring with Spiritual gratitude.
Tonight, I offered my anxiety about my family, jobs, places to live, love, and transportation to the Universe. After the most enlightening, moving spread on the 23rd, this is a reminder. Ritual. Time is Passing. Adventure. Shedding the judgement. Embracing my best self. Watch the intentions grow with integrity and fullness. Learning to show up for myself every day.
After I listened to this guided meditation to breathe through a panic attack that came without warning this evening, I realized the amazing synchronicity in the message, and here I share it with you. The narrator is poetic (and wordy). It’s worth a listen. http://insig.ht/gm_5313
This excerpt is from the book, The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie:
December 6: Letting Go Of Shame
Many of us were victimized, sometimes more than once. We may have been physically abused, sexually abused, or exploited by the addictions of another.
Understand that if another person has abused us, it is not cause for us to feel shame. The guilt for the act of the abuse belongs to the perpetrator, not the victim.
Even if in recovery we fall prey to being victimized, that is not cause for shame.
The goal of recovery is learning self-care, learning to free ourselves from victimization, and not to blame ourselves for past experiences. The goal is to arm ourselves so we do not continue to be victimized due to the shame and unresolved feelings from the original victimization.
We each have our own work, our issues, our recovery tasks. One of those tasks is to stop pointing your finger at the perpetrator, because it distracts us. Although we hold each person responsible and accountable for his or her behavior, we learn compassion for the perpetrator. We understand that many forces have come to play in that person’s life. At the same time, we do not hold onto shame.
We learn to understand the role we played in our victimization, how we fell into that role and did not rescue ourselves. But that is information to arm us so that it need not happen again.
Let go of victim shame. We have issues and tasks, but our issue is not to feel guilty and wrong because we have been victimized.
Today, I will set myself free from any victim shame I may be harboring or hanging on to.
~~~~~~~~
Split human in thrift store mirror.
What stands out to me when I read this passage is the point about distraction. I was speaking with a dear friend yesterday who asked, “When do you know that you are done healing and now thriving?” I think that they are both simultaneous processes. When I find myself distracted by focusing on things that are out of my control, including perpetrators, that is when I have the opportunity for the most healing and am taking steps towards thriving. I would even argue that they are paradoxical, both simultaneously true.Further, when she said, “we learn to understand the role we played in our victimization, how we fell into that role and did not rescue ourselves. But this is information to arm us so that it does not happen again.” I am always triggered by this sort of statement, since I was two years old when I experienced my first physical abuse, and seven when I experienced my first sexual abuse. How can I recognize how I fell into that role at that age? What role did I play in that particular victimization? All I can say is that as a child, I was operating on pure instinct and developed the self-preservation behaviors then that kept me from being further hurt. Whether those behaviors were dissociation, cutting off my connection to my own emotions and self understanding, or freezing in the moment so as not to draw further attention to myself or be the catalyst for an even more violent attack… whatever that could have been. The role I played was an innocent. I fell into that role by simply existing (and turns out the Divine had something to do with it.) One of the trickiest conundrums with which I have battled is feeling self-compassion, recognizing that I couldn’t have done anything else than what I did. Even more tricky is feeling compassion for the people who committed these acts. Telling myself that they knew no better and were doing the best they could… That’s hard to accept, but easier in the long run than distracting myself with hatred, contempt and subsequently filling myself with shame. Walking this new path isn’t always easy, but it is freeing and each day I am thriving and healing, grateful and filled with joy and peace. That’s good news and something you can’t buy on Black Friday.
Quote: “We love our lovin’ but not like we love our freedom.” – Joni Mitchell, Help Me
Song: Please Mr. Postman – The Marvelettes https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=rGJcbHni4rc I am absolutely in love with the post office, the postal system, the loveliness of letters, the waiting, the surprises, my dear dear post-man up in Saxapahaw who is such a cool dude. I love that this song gets stuck in my head often, it makes me happy every time. I used to put the chairs up, sweep and mop the floor at Angelos Family Italian restaurant to the oldies station every night during my formative years – this, and Tears of a Clown by Smokey Robinson, are two of my all-time favorite songs.
Dedication: Today, I dedicate NewsDay to the brave families and souls approaching our border and immigrants in this country who receive violence, vitriol and targeting by some law enforcement (protectors of the state, not the people). I don’t believe in borders, I don’t love the idea of private property. I believe in a world in which I wished we all shared, loved, and appreciated each other, without war, violence, oppression, and hatred. What we stand for in this country is becoming more and more unbelievable to me. Tear gassing children? Oh dang… what’s for dinner honey? (http://performingsongwriter.com/bobbie-gentry-ode-billie-joe/ – “The song is sort of a study in unconscious cruelty. But everybody seems more concerned with what was thrown off the bridge than they are with the thoughtlessness of the people expressed in the song. What was thrown off the bridge really isn’t that important.” – in the context of “In August 1967, Lyndon Johnson announced that he was sending 45,000 more troops to Vietnam. Black power advocate Stokely Carmichael called for revolution in the streets. Beatles manager Brian Epstein died from an overdose of sleeping pills. But around water coolers, the hot topic was what Billie Joe McAllister and his girlfriend threw off the Tallahatchie Bridge.”
What we tolerate more and more, violence, killing, war, spewing of hatred, racism and bigotry from the president and his people is becoming more and more intolerable to me. The more I begin to love myself, the more capacity I am having for my social justice work. One step at a time. One day at a time. “You Can’t Be Neutral on a Moving Train.”
Dear Humans: Today, on with the heart musings, music reflection, and grassroots organizing!
What a week full of blessings, starting out with sickness and ending in sobering realizations about intimacy, boundaries, projections and expectations (all can be wound together with a continuous thread.) The week entailed so many beautiful ups and downs in between.
Intimacy: Al-Anon was extremely well attended last week and we dove right into intimacy. Turns out, there are so many different kinds of intimacy, emotional, intellectual, spiritual, emotional, experiential, physical, and one more… can’t remember that one. Intimacy is a puzzle and a navigable path of give and take. The exchange can be personal, between two or more people, between you and your higher power, between you and a group, your village, your house, your cat (or dog, pig, duck, chicken, this list could go on…) My identification of intimacy was being myself without question, no second thoughts, comfort and trust to the point of sharing my inner feelings, thoughts, experiences, etc without fear of judgment or abandonment. Being that vulnerable with my higher power is SO alarmingly difficult right now. To get down on my knees and pray, with my hands on my head, head to the ground, praying Wednesday morning, there was humor and frustration. Speaking out loud, fumbling over the Serenity prayer, laughing with God saying, “You know what I mean…” Intimacy with a Spirit that cannot be seen, but felt, requiring faith and humbling surrender to accept. Funny enough, the word that would not come to mind in the Serenity prayer was “accept”. …and therein lies the serendipity of Divine Purpose. We can learn from our very words, or even our lack thereof.
Boundaries and Expectations: “I will not chase. I turn off my incessantly present search for love.” Looking forward to the full Moon just after the Winter Solstice, the intentions for implementation for this boundary are beginning to be put into practice. Being in the moment, simply noticing the energy and occurrences around me, is teaching me so much and providing so many eye-opening lessons. Deciding to go on dates, get to know people, having fun, being vulnerable, leaving behind the tendency to build an expectation of who someone is based on who I WANT them to be, versus who they ARE by paying attention to their actions is important to my healing and recovery from codependency.
Projections: My Mother. Bless her soul. She returns to my mind in most situations where I find myself frustrated, that familiar feeling of being out of control and wanting/looking for love/acceptance/validation in all the wrong places. I don’t have a relationship with my mother. We don’t speak or have any interaction at all. This week, someone else’s decisions were triggering and the whirlwind caught me. The pause escaped me. Self-awareness, lessons of Al-Anon, the last 11 months of EMDR and cognitive behavioral therapy fell right over the cliff of usefulness. I lashed out and reacted out of sheer desperation to be heard and justified in my anger. Lordy Lordy. When the needed evaluation of this reaction happened, thankfully the very next day in therapy, the realization was clear. My mother’s abandonment of me for sexual predators as a little girl had crept up from my limbic, animal brain with the decisions in question and caused subsequent accusations and judgement. Turned out to be a helluva good mirror for me to see myself afterward. Thank you struggle. Thank you newfound ability to be both assertive and direct. Bravery: you are appreciated. Difficulty of discernment: I see you. Choosing serenity, employing opportunities to grow, recognition of serendipity – all of these from just one incident in a small town.
Musical reflections: The benefit for SAFE was successful and heart warming. We raised $200 and had 3 full bins of food donated that night at the Eddy. The concert with Bruce was lovely. My grandparents and my adopted mom and dad Alexander came. Dear villagers and closest friends sat around in support. Truthfully, sometimes nervousness occurs. “Do they like my songs? Are my guitar skills are good enough? Am I singing on pitch? Is the sound good in this loud restaurant? Can they hear me? Do they care? Are they getting drunk and louder or is that just me?” These questions plague me for a moment. Then I get over it. It’s easy to get over it when I remember that as long as I had fun, I was honest, and I did my best, I can be happy with my music. That’s all that matters. PS: Watched “A Star Is Born” last night with Christine. Musically impeccable, heart-felt storyline, absolutely accurate portrayal of love and addiction, sad and beautiful, cathartic and moving – that movie floored me and at first I swore I’d never see it again because it was so hard to watch. Musical vulnerability was a prominent theme (hence the reference here) and the line that sticks with me is this, “If you don’t dig deep into your f***ing soul you won’t have legs. …If you don’t tell the truth out there, you’re f****d. All you got is you and what you have to say to people and they are listening right now and they’re not going to be listening forever. Trust me. So you gotta grab it and you don’t apologize or worry about why they’re listening or how long they’re going to be listening for. You just tell them what you want to say.” Right the f*** on. 😉
Grassroots: The sheriff’s department in Alamance County is at it again, trying to turn our jail into an ICE detention center. The takeaway from our attempt to hold a rally and press conference (highlighting the impact of this proposal on our community and especially for undocumented immigrants) was that the law enforcement of Alamance County and Graham were unnecessarily forceful, angry, threatening and rude to citizens trying to go to the county commissioners meeting that night. Intimidation tactics were used in barricading the sidewalk and corralling people in and out of the courthouse building. Many people felt afraid for their safety, as the local white supremacist group had shown up also, creating even higher tensions that evening. We weren’t allowed to stand on the sidewalk or on the front area of the courthouse while we waited for our friends inside who fit in the building. Later we found out that the police filled the back couple of rows of the meeting and were shouting and cheering in support of the sheriff’s department’s plan – when we as citizens are not allowed to make any noise in there at all, else we would be asked to leave or even arrested. Tensions are higher than ever over this ICE business in Alamance County and you best bet we will be monitoring the effects of this situation and making known its impacts on our local society. In visioning for 2019 advocacy efforts, the sheriff’s department of Alamance County, the federal ICE program, and the local white supremacist group will be a top priority.
Where’s the news? The concept of an independent news source in Alamance County has come to several of us as a seriously necessary resource for those in our community who do not feel heard in the traditional, local news media outlets. I am working the very beginning stages of formulating this newsletter/online news source as a place for stories of our collective experiences of racism, poverty, bigotry and even celebration ~ highlighted and shared amongst neighbors. Stay tuned, this is a serious project and as more developments ensue, I will share how you can get involved.
ALL that said, last week was wonderful and roller coaster-y. I was sick, went on a date, made a new cosmic friend, had a meeting with my sponsor, had a meeting and visioning session with my local grassroots organization, helped my students finish out their fall semester work, several coffee dates, played music for the SAFE benefit, planning for my upcoming trip to NY (Democracy Matters national summit in Feb), several breakfast dates, got to hear a dear friend sing for the first time at an intimate house concert, sent some difficult letters to people addressing my feelings, had some intense therapy working that stuff through, several lovely phone “catch-up” chats, went to see A Star Is Born and today helped out a friend. Told ya, packed week. ❤
#LivingQueryOfTheWeek : Who was your first literary crush? Mine was Bonanza Jellybean.
Upcoming Shows:
I’ll be singing in the shower tomorrow night before bed! Sold Out show!
Wed, December 19th – #NightmareXmasPajamaJam – Crystal Bright headlining, Emily Musolino and Anita Lorraine opening! Special guests, Robert Griffin and many many more! PS Im going to sing my favorite xmas song, it rhymes with finch and is about a furry green creature who tortures a whole town obsessed with Christmas.
This week in pictures:
The sawmill, one of the giant piles of trees.
The enormous Christmas tree outside the mill that reflects in the Haw River. I don’t personally love them, but sometimes they make me cry when they’re really pretty. This one is so big, it just magnetically pulls tears out of my eyes.
This is not “Honey” This is buzz buzz HONEY buzz buzz
Found wood. Upcycling. Candles for everything.
Me. Workin it up. Standing desks rock.
Coolest fern vine. Never seen anything like it. Love the tree trunk too.
Bruce getting ready for the show, best sound guy. Hella thorough.
Some of these are not like the others. They have blue dots. Wonder what that means?
Beautiful wish I enjoyed from Instagram on Wednesday. Cheers.
Prayer I wrote after my therapy appointment on Monday before I went to sleep.
TuesDayNewsDay Vol.1, Issue 8 November 27th, 2018
Quote(s): “How much time are you willing to invest in someone who doesn’t/can’t show up for you when you need them?” Good question. (This is my therapist asking me this question about people to whom I am often romantically attracted. So many of them are seemingly unavailable in some way, shape, or form.)
Song: Do You Dream – Jonathan Byrd Pretty funny, I have so many songs of his stuck in my head all the time. Could be ’cause I get to see him almost weekly down at the Kraken. It’s a treat; if you live anywhere nearby and you’ve never been, please go and listen, participate, and enjoy the magic. This particular song was written by Matt Fockler – a man, according to Jonathan, would rather not be famous, but he writes breathtaking songs.
Dedication: I dedicate this week’s TuesDayNewsDay to my unending friend and supporter Michelle D. She is always up in this blog and I love her dearly. This is the kind of person who I would NEVER doubt I could call if need be. I look forward to spending some good time with her soon for the holiday season (which I’m not fond of, but I do it for my friends ~ haha).
Dear Humans, This week I am super excited about getting better! Last week I wasn’t able to write and I’m proud of myself for not feeling obligated to TuesDayNewsDay to the detriment of my health! Many lessons have been learned over the course of the last two weeks. The lessons involve love and creativity, priorities and appreciation.
LOVE, PRIORITIES ~So, you know one thing I miss about being in a relationship with someone? The snuggling. (Head out of the gutters you gigglers you!) These last two weeks have been riddled in pain and sickness. There’s nothing I would like better than to snuggle with someone in my socks and pajamas, someone to bring me chicken soup and who’d scratch my head as I’m falling asleep. That said, Pepita and I did just fine. ~ The lessons of this longing is that it is only that, an emotion, a desire, something that I can provide for myself and when the time comes and the Sacred Spirit deems it’s the right time, I’ll get myself some good snugglin’. I’ve met people who I think I’m attracted to, but I have learned to listen to myself and to discern those questions, “Is this a good idea?” If you have to ask, more than likely you ought to be saying nope REAL quick. I learned about attraction and priorities. I’ve made a goal to focus my energy on spending time with people who I KNOW appreciate my company, those with whom I don’t have to guess… In a repeat pattern of constantly performing or even unconsciously scheming for my mothers attention or appreciation, in my attraction of most (not all) people so far, it has been with those whom I recognize energetically as a mirror of that circumstance. Until I can stop this energetic pattern, I am destined to learn this lesson over and over again. Detaching with love is something I am learning to do – the concept is good, but difficult in application without some sort of spiritual base in self-love. That is what I am working on. Both simultaneously? Other resources if you find your are in love with an addict or have an addict/mental health issue/unknown-unnameable struggle with someone you love:
CREATIVITY, APPRECIATION ~ So you know that moment when you’re “in the zone” or all of a sudden, you’ve got to write something down because it’s coming straight from Source, or the Sacred Spirit? I have this happen as a songwriter and as a creative person. If I get a lyric or idea to pop into my head, I have to make sure I at least jot it down and if circumstance allows, I go with it, pick up my guitar and start putting words to music in minutes. Or while I’m sewing, drawing, painting or organizing space, that’s the zone I’m talking about. What works for you? That’s what I want to apply to the “difficult” part of my music business, or even more generally, my life business. The business of my life. I’m going to Al-Anon weekly, therapy weekly, meeting with my Al-Anon sponsor weekly, playing shows with different amalgamations of bands, mentoring students with Democracy Matters and doing guest speaking, going to as many political involvement meetings/actions as I can, writing this newsletter, walking every day (except when I’ve been sick), and of late, preparing with paperwork etc to start teaching at Alamance Community College (If you don’t recognize this link, you should most definitely see Bull Durham, the movie, as soon as possible.) That’s a lot. Maggie says my schedule gives her anxiety. Sometimes it does me too, but mostly it feels good to have my income from several different sources and to be prioritizing my mental health for the first time in my life. Today I had a wonderful workshop with my friend Christine focusing on identifying one’s purpose and tapping into the Sacred Spirit to inform my life decisions. I’m going to sit with that for a while.
Musically, I have been creative of late. I have two new songs and exciting plans for several shows coming up. My two new songs are not diametrically opposed, but they do contradict one another in ways. “The Butterflies of Love” is about how we feel in the beginning of a crush, when we don’t need to know anything else other than we feel SO good! “There’s someone who’s been on my mind. My heart skips a beat every time. The way I feel for him, it’s plain. This fire I can barely contain.” The other, “Skipping Heart Stones” is about how it feels to be ghosted. That feeling sucks. “Trains don’t wait, they never say goodbye. This heart in knots and tied. Time has made us ghosts tonight, and all I can do is cry.” Skipping Heart Stones is the first song I’ve written on the ukulele in a while. Many thanks to my late friend Ben Clark for that beautiful instrument gift. I miss him being in this world. I’ll record these songs and share them with you all sometime soon! I’m going to play them at the #NightmareXmasPajamaJam with Crystal Bright and Emily Musolino December 19th. Come on out. We’ll be at the Cats Cradle Backroom. ❤ Our photo shoot was awesome. Check out the photos from this week for teasers!
Thanksgiving was nice. I enjoyed spending time with the grandparents, sister and bro-in-law, nieces and nephews. Eating with my adopted family was lovely also, so much food. They have the tradition of going around the table and saying for what they are thankful. Always a teary-eyed tradition. Then got to go to a chill Saxapahooligan Friendsgiving evening where there was a fire, music, and I was gifted a banjo from our host Michael. Awesome gift, can’t wait to play it. I’ll soon be listening to Rhiannon Giddens for some tips!
#LivingQueryOfTheWeek : Do you believe that the Universe or Spirit or God or Goddess or whatever is working on your behalf? I am challenged by this notion, but I see how it could be beneficial in living life. (Currently pondering this very concept. I’ll get back with ya.) 😉
Upcoming Shows:
Fri, November 30th – Anita Lorraine with Bruce Horvath https://tinyurl.com/StoneSoupShow 7:00-9:00pm, Saxapahaw @ #TheEddyPub (This is a benefit for SAFE – please bring canned veggies, 1 pound bags of rice or pinto beans, boxes of macaroni and cheese, any kind of pasta, pasta sauce, hamburger helper, called fruits, canned tuna, non-food stamp items: laundry detergent, dish soap, shampoo, kleenex, toilet paper, dog and cat food. ALL tips from this event will also be going to SAFE. Please come, even if you can only drop in to donate food items, all is appreciated.)
Wed, December 19th – #NightmareXmasPajamaJam – Crystal Bright headlining, Emily Musolino and Anita Lorraine opening! Special guests, Robert Griffin and many many more! PS Im going to sing my favorite xmas song, it rhymes with finch and is about a furry green creature who tortures a whole town obsessed with Christmas.
This week in pictures:
Online workshop with Christine Clifton today!Hilarious meme from Jessica Lanyadoo, one of my favorite astrologers. Thanks to Jill Boogie for that turn on! Me and Pepita snuggling in ALL the pajamas.Stayin’ hydrated in my socks.Photoshoot score – photo by Chad Perry of C Perry Studios!I love hair and makeup. ❤ so fun.Me n Bruce playing at the Bottle and Can last Thursday. Photo credit my friend David who came to visit over the weekend. We ate sushi like a buncha bosses on Saturday night before I was accosted with the sickness. Another great shot courtesy of David. A drawering from after I read a letter from a dear friend in Alabama. I’ll be sending this to him in the mail.New book I’m excited about reading. Also, if you haven’t listened to “Thank U” by Alanis Morrisette lately, I would highly suggest it. This re-visitation was as per suggestion of Rook at the coffee shop, totally worth every moment. The oldest niece and two nephews. We trotted about Saxapahaw the day after Thanskgiving. I refuse to shop, so I get to look after this crew while the fam battles lines to buy stuff. I’d rather hang with these hooligans. Full moon over Saxapahaw. Happy birthday to my friend Ernest! Such wonderful friends. Chocolate. Books. Soup. Love.
Remember y’all. Take care of yourselves in the midst of this world we live in. If you are not whole, you can not help heal the whole world. ❤ ❤
Online workshop with Christine Clifton today!
Hilarious meme from 
Me and Pepita snuggling in ALL the pajamas.
Stayin’ hydrated in my socks.
Photoshoot score – photo by Chad Perry of C Perry Studios!
I love hair and makeup. ❤ so fun.
Me n Bruce playing at the Bottle and Can last Thursday. Photo credit my friend David who came to visit over the weekend. We ate sushi like a buncha bosses on Saturday night before I was accosted with the sickness. 
Another great shot courtesy of David. 
A drawering from after I read a letter from a dear friend in Alabama. I’ll be sending this to him in the mail.
New book I’m excited about reading. Also, if you haven’t listened to 
The oldest niece and two nephews. We trotted about Saxapahaw the day after Thanskgiving. I refuse to shop, so I get to look after this crew while the fam battles lines to buy stuff. I’d rather hang with these hooligans. 
Full moon over Saxapahaw. Happy birthday to my friend Ernest! 
Such wonderful friends. Chocolate. Books. Soup. Love.
Remember y’all. Take care of yourselves in the midst of this world we live in. If you are not whole, you can not help heal the whole world. ❤ ❤