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TuesDayNewsDay October 23, 2018 Vol. 1, Issue 4 – October 23, 2018

“But You’ve come so far…” – the surprise, unfamiliar voice who spoke to me one day – I now call her my Divine Mother… the closest thing to god I’ve ever known. The only voice in my head by which I’ve ever been surprised.

This photo is from a Tarot deck I used to have (maybe still do somewhere) called Triple Goddess Tarot.  I added the words.

Song: Place To Be – Nick Drake (one of my favorites of which I was reminded yesterday while sitting in a new haunt. I love when old songs come back and have new significance.  So many aspects of this song’s words speak to me right now. Love.) https://youtu.be/kwa71b33GBg 

Dear Humans,

This last week has been a whirlwind – wonderful news: I am 99% sure that I have a new teaching job in the Spring.  It’s at Alamance Community College, I’d be teaching Critical Thinking, 2 classes. What an honor! (And supplemental income, check! The Musician says “thank you”!). I’ll not be celebrating just yet, until everything is approved and I’ve signed a contract.  Then I’ll be jumping for joy. 🙂  Halloween is my grandparents’ 60th wedding anniversary! I’m throwing them a dinner this Friday. I love them so much, they mean the world to me and they mean the world to each other. I love seeing them flirt with each other in the kitchen and how Paw Paw refers to Maw Maw as “his Bride” and when he comes out of surgery, he is always asking where she is first thing. All the nurses tell me these stories with tears in their eyes. Happens every time. I’m honored every day to be a part of their lives. Last week I took a mushroom foraging class, played a rad retro Halloween gig with the band (Radar Clowns – buncha cool cats), played Putt Putt for the first time in years, cooked a delicious meal and had a therapy sesh; it was one for the books.  Upcoming shows are listed at the end and along the way, I hope you find something you enjoy. *cheers* (With my cold coffee, sitting here on my favorite rock and it’s 50 degrees outside…) 

Dedication:  This week I dedicate this to my dear and numerous, amazing girlfriends near and far. You all know who you are.  All my closest loves who are strong and capable women. Several of my friends have birthdays around this time too and I am so glad they were born! Grateful for your unwavering support and validation (more on this) – I appreciate all of your wisdom, insight, and general badassery.  

 

So now I have a strong interest in mushroom medicine, as I will be repairing my body through intentional release. (More on this)  Thanks to Laura at Haw River Mushrooms, I have a beginners interest in foraging for mushrooms and tinctures aimed at healing! 

The Moon will be full on Wednesday, Taurus full Moon.  This Taurus Moon (my Moon is in Taurus and Gemini – I was born on a half-moon) is said to be the most magical full Moon of the year – connecting the physical with the meta-physical – that old saying that the veil becomes thin this time of year… the veil is lifted between realms – connecting us to our ancestors.  I have learned more about my ancestors this year.  As I changed my last name to Moore (my maternal grandfather’s family name) I learned a little about my maternal ancestral history.  We are from Person county and I learned that my great great great great grandfather Abraham Moore, owned slaves.  This was very upsetting and caused me to experience some direct white-guilt.  I have always benefitted from being white, as a white woman, a gatekeeper for a patriarchal society – I realize this plainly.  Talk to me if you wanna learn more about that.  Nonetheless, guilt does us no good.  Neither does shame.  What debilitating, non-productive emotions they are – yet still we can learn from them. Instead of wallowing in my guilt and shame inherited from my ancestral roots, I am choosing to acknowledge it and move forward in my activism and advocacy with that in mind.  I am the change agent if nothing else, to turn the story of my own history around, bending it further toward justice.  That is why, this Full Moon, I will be letting go of some very serious behaviors and aged paradigms that have held me back from becoming the woman I want to be, (already am in some ways – but working to embody on a more habitual, natural basis).

Again I will be giving up alcohol, it does nothing good for me; it clouds my ability to feel and makes me more comfortable in social situations. With this other work, I hope to create more internal comfort in social settings.  Of late I have been using tobacco here and there. I don’t like that.  My body doesn’t deserve that.  My mind hates myself when I do it, so I’m not going to anymore.  It’s that time.  I will be intentionally releasing my tendency for obsession and writing future stories in my mind based on my wants and desires, vs. what is reality.  This is a VERY difficult task – I think we all can fall in that trap and distance ourselves from what’s actually going on vs. what we want to happen – basing our decisions on desire vs. fact.  I will be releasing self-doubt and time-wasting.  (More on that).  I will be releasing my guilt and shame for my own privilege as a white woman and my historical association with the institutional racism in this country.  Releasing this I believe will ritually bring in more room for me to be more of a change-agent in the work I aim to do in my time here, in this vessel. Lastly, I will be releasing my all or nothing thinking patterns and my attraction for the unavailable human.  I am learning more and more about why I seem to be attracted to people who are emotionally, geographically, and situationally unavailable or able to commit.  My goal is to change my subconscious attraction! Though I consciously crave love, protection, commitment and validation from a partner – I do not know what to do with these things when they come to me for real.  My subconscious only knows how to deal with those who are destined to be at arms length (or road trip lengths away for that matter).  Re-creations of the relationship I had with my mother.  The woman from which I so desperately needed those aforementioned things – but could never find.  She was unavailable and unable to give me what I needed as a child.  I release my resentment for her and my need for control.  I release my tears as they flow writing this piece today.  I release my search for fulfillment, because hey, I am fulfilled.  I open myself to the grey area – the liminal feeling of the unknown.  My inner wisdom and Divine Mother said it just right, “But you have come so far.” 

Being more self-aware is my goal and I am doing just that. Treating myself in the wholesome, luminous, protective way that I would treat my own child.  My inner child.  I’ve got your back girl.  Come here. Bring it in! *gives the unending hug* That feels good, not awkward at all. *giggle*

Therapy this week (yesterday) helped me to gain clarity on just what it is that I have searched and longed for from my mother. In the moment when I lost faith in family, god, myself (repeated sexual abuse starting at age 7) my mother simply said, “If it happens again honey, let me know.” Those words caged my heart. I look back on that moment with more pain and disdain than even the abuses, interestingly enough… I wanted validation and protection – but now as an adult, I can give these things to myself! So instead of searching for forgiveness first (that was for what I THOUGHT I was going into therapy yesterday), my therapist switched gears and now we are working on self-validation.  I have never learned about this before.  It’s a new concept and I feel like I’m foraging in a whole new forest, ripe with foreign and delicious looking fruits – so much more connected to the ground beneath my feet.  I am eager and excited vs. scared and hesitant.  Release and renew! One step at a time.  

 

So with all that release, I must refill my energy with something else.  I do well with substitution and routine… so here is my brainstorming process for creating those substitutions:

* get clear on your goals and what steps are necessary to reach them – step by step – while still being present in the moment and ready/aware for/that Spirit may change your path – maintain presence and awareness to hear/feel these moments.

* get clear on your purpose.  This is a prayer-driven sound.  This is an awareness-driven answer.  This is what you will hear when you are paying attention and listening for it.

* get clear on where you spend your time/energy.  How much time do you waste? Do you waste time? Is time wasteable? I certainly think so.  I know I both “do what is supposed to happen” (if that means binge-watching Game of Thrones – but let it be because you WANT to, not just what you “end up” doing) and I mindlessly flail through time/life more often than I like to sometimes.

Here are some tactics I have been researching for my health and sanity.  Time Time Time. Time management.  Healthy skills to remove myself from the gadgetry of the internet and telephones.   Having trouble focusing? I am.  Here’s what I’m going to try out and share with you all my own results. See most helpful article I’ve found (I really like her methodical way of doing things, it is always inspiring to see someone else’s process and reasoning): https://hbr.org/2018/10/i-ran-4-experiments-to-break-my-social-media-addiction-heres-what-worked

 

Concepts I learned and am trying out:

Dedicated Focus Hours – that are NOT reminders set into my schedule!! LOL

•Early Morning Mindfulness – waking up before getting out of bed (creating actual new neuropathway connections)

•11am break – stretch, intentional breathing 

•3pm break – stretch, intentional breathing

•Evening Mindfulness – before bed 

•Social Media Scroll Stroll Hour w/planned sharing already in the wings (taking note during the week/day vs stopping what you’re doing completely to “post”) 

•One day a week completely without a phone/computer. (most likely Saturdays – encouraging more planning ahead to know what’s going on and what I’m doing… I have noticed my memory slipping and the addiction to my calendar is real y’all.)

•Setting parameters and deadline guidelines to get chunks of work finished (self-discipline) (if I DO need to use the internet on the day off)

 

So… I’ll let you know how all that works out. Haha. I can see my skeptical self raising an eyebrow while I say that.  The determined self sticking her tongue out and skipping away delightfully.  

So long loves, hope your week is filled with appreciation for your own journey.  Happy full Moon to you all. Sincerely,

ALM

 

#LivingQueryOfTheWeek What would be a single sentence you would say to your lover to express how you feel?  Mine would be, “I hope we can go on journeys together, tickled, barefoot and satisfied.”  

 

Alrighty then, UPCOMING SHOWS: (Mystery Show with Radar Clowns Nov 2nd is cancelled.)

Sat, October 27 BIG DAY! – Private party gig for a new friend’s birthday, then going to the Jonathan Byrd CD release show at the ballroom and then a Halloween party in Saxapahaw! This year I’m going to be IncogNita Pumpkin Purple People Eata (Wheel of Fortune before and after, haha)

Sat, November 3rd – Me-n-Pete Duo

7:15pm, Star, NC @ #StarworksCafeTaproom

Sun, November 4th – w/Radar Clowns, Rain Dogs by Tom Waits Theme

3:00-5:00pm, Pittsboro @ #CITYTAPPITTSBORO

Fri, November 23 – Me-n-Bruce

7:30-9:30pm, Asheboro, NC @ #Bottle&Can http://www.bottleandcannc.com

Fri, November 30th – Anita Lorraine with Bruce Horvath https://tinyurl.com/StoneSoupShow

7:00-9:00pm, Saxapahaw @ #TheEddyPub

Fri, December 14 – One-Hit-Wonders-Reprise!

This weeks pictures:

 a quote from my calendar

 Gravestone out in Mebane on my friends’ farm.  I love her name: Mahala (sounds like thank you in Hawaiian)

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I was just blessed with the presence of a dear community neighbor and friend. We had the blessing of 10 minutes together to catch up as she was on her way. We are both the goofiest of types, funny and funny looking. ;P We are both artists and struggle with being misunderstood often – and often those misunderstandings stem directly from our empathetic, intuitive spirits. We are both impressionable, yet strong-willed, sensitive, yet tough as nails.

As we were sitting and talking, we discussed our current elations and challenges. The way we speak to each other is so refreshing. If you know me at all, you know that I don’t do small talk and sometimes I even tend to disassociate/drift off in the middle of a conversation. I’ve definitely frustrated some people with this tendency. I’m often thinking of a hundred things and focusing is not my strong suit. I’m noticing the blue birds squabbling with each other over the female who just flitted by. I’m noticing the shadows of the leaves on the shimmering water of the creek. I’m noticing how wet my toes are inside my supposedly waterproof boots. I’m thinking of the next poem I’m writing in my mind. All the while I am most definitely engaging with you and enjoying the energetic exchange of your presence. If I love you, I’m dreaming up 10,000 ways to show you I care.

I think my friend also experiences the same in her life. We are both artists at heart, both share some traumatic life events, resiliency, and are both doing our damndest to live our lives in the moment while still holding onto sanity. We often are both sometimes considered annoying or airheads by those who don’t understand us.

Alas! We beg to differ! She said something sweet and insightful. It has influenced my thinking about self-ridicule in these moments: When “other people” have given me the impression (whether in words or behavior) that my goofy nature is dumb or annoying, I must remember that I am often embodying the archetype of the fool. She told me that Shakespeare very often wrote the “fool” of the story as the most grounded, insightful and thoughtful person in the story. To which I added, “…and the Hobbits saved Middle Earth.” 😉

My favorite Tolkien character: Samwise Gamgee. He always made me cry because I felt him. Forever optimistic, forever sensitive, forever underestimated.

“About the Fool Archetype:

The Fool is often seen in stories alongside the King or Ruler. In these stories, the Fool’s job is to deflate the ego of the Ruler – and to say (in jest) what needs to be said, but no-one else is willing to say out loud. The Fool is protected – and has a special role – above the politicking and machinations of ‘court’. The Fool is clever and wise, speaks the truth and challenges authority – but softens the blow with humour. Finally, the Fool is resilient – not caring what other people think, laughing at life’s difficulties and challenges, and getting back up – again and again – after being knocked down. In current culture our political satirists and comedians are often the Wise Fools.” (https://www.thecoachingtoolscompany.com/10-ways-to-use-the-fool-archetype-to-create-success-in-your-life/)

All that said, your sensitivity, intuition, optimism, goofiness, giggles, dreamy status can be both your Anchor and your Wind. (New song of this concept I am sure to follow… “The Anchor and The Wind”)

Love y’all. Keeping dreaming. Question rules.

TuesDayNewsDay ~ October 16 2018

“I can live for two months on a compliment.” – Mark Twain

Dear Humans,

Cheers and good afternoon to you all.  Candles burning and the waning, shorter-days light creeping in all the windows… This week has been all the ups and downs – trees on houses, love ablaze, adventure and longing, hurricane magic and destruction.  Old friends and new, hearts on the line, just like the laundry – they need a second rinse in the rain. Today, this is the third installment of TuesDayNewsDay and there are some wonderful events coming up, weather willing, I am excited to share with you.  I invite you to join me! I sit with my cup, just back from the magic rock, wiped clean from the flood, no memories remain, only leftover grains of sand from upriver.

 

Dedication: This issue is dedicated to all those who are still struggling after this hurricane.  We were without power for about 3 days and lost hundreds of dollars worth of food that went bad in our refridgerator.  We are not alone.  Friends’ homes were destroyed and several people died along its way.  My local friends in Saxapahaw who own restaurants lost a ton of farmers’ food; it’s a doggone shame.  If you can find a way to help someone, in any instance, please do so. Ask around, I’m sure someone you know might need a hand with something.

On that note, I must say… I appreciate when there isn’t electricity flowing all around me.  It was beautiful walking around with candles and quiet.  I swear I think I can feel electricity and the waves from all the technology surrounding me. Sometimes when I’m holding my phone, my hand tingles and I get a cold chill.  Wonder if anyone else experiences that phenomenon…? Outside in nature, what we have left of it between the paved streets and strip malls, is my favorite place to be.  I want a simple home, surrounded by trees, some clean water source, and a place where I can poop outside.  I had several hilarious conversations this week about that very thing since many folks couldn’t flush their toilets.

On the note of hurricane Michael, I would like to share with you (somewhat edited for efficiency here) my sunset experience Thursday night, written in my journal, the day the lights went out in Saxapahaw:

I stared quietly on in wonder as I arrived back into my room, through the window, at the eerie blue reflections of the sky on Western facing windows. As the sky darkened and the shadows grew deeper, I blew out my candles and I bid adieu to this day.  Awakened from a long, solitary slumber to the beauty of moments as they fly by, I give thanks.” 

This week also was quite eventful. I hosted the Empty Bowls fundraiser on Sunday afternoon.  Saturday morning was sad, cleaning out the refridgerator of food gone bad and taking care of the house…  Had the pleasure of playing a gig and sleeping in a tent Saturday night in Todd, NC for my dear old friends’ birthday party.  Circles of musicians pickin’ til the wee hours of the morning.  Friday, I had a wonderful breakfast at Maggies and several of us went for a much needed hike over at Cedarock Park.  Thursday was the night of the amazing hurricane sunset, and Wednesday, I had a lovely birthday breakfast with Tonya, got to sit with Elm for several hours in the coffee shop, had a lovely Al-Anon meeting, then had dinner with Bruce.

This week I am slowing things down, cleaning up, and being in the moment – even when I’m busy beavering.  I tend to get so caught up in doing, that I don’t take time to just be/observe/breathe.  At therapy this week, we talked about taking things one day at a time and the courage to be assertive about my needs/desires.  My ability to sit still and “meditate” is near impossible (at least for now) and so I’ve realized that walking meditation might be exactly what I can do. I go for a walk through the woods early every morning. It is grounding, literally. This week I made a playlist of music and while walking, I simply say in my mind, “right… left… right… left…” When I lose track, I just go back to “right… left… right… left…” I enjoy that walk so much. (Walking playlist: https://tinyurl.com/AutumnLeavesPlaylist)

For therapy next week, I am beginning more self-awareness work around forgiveness… Learning to forgive has to start with my mother and I am not looking forward to this delving process.  I worry that my relationships and people I attract into my life represent challenges mirroring childhood challenges… refusing forgiveness of myself and holding people to extremely high standards, without really being able to see a human functioning best they can.. In some ways, if I am to grow and live the life I desire, my magnet needs to switch gears, toward the other pole, for more balance. We will begin doing EMDR again I am sure, part of me REALLY does not want to get into it – but the more intuitive part of me knows that I must if I want to lift the burden of resentment and use that eviction of weight to enjoy fully the potential light-weight exuberance of life.   No matter what one’s circumstances, hungry or well-fed, the choice to see life from a place of abundance versus scarcity is always an option. We get to choose. I’m walking toward the choice of abundance – even in the face of adversity. I have learned that I cannot do the justice work for which I am so impassioned without first finding justice for myself. Thank you Al-Anon and Melody Beattie.

#LivingQueryOfTheWeek : What makes you smile no matter what?

For me, some are: butterflies, the Moon (especially when she returns from the shadow), watching dogs swim, splashing in the rain, baby ducks, train whistle at night, old cars, old songs that remind me of my grandparents, and singing harmonies with my friends.

Alrighty then, UPCOMING SHOWS:

• Sat, October 20th – w/Radar Clowns, Rain Dogs by Tom Waits Theme – we hope the weather will cooperate with this one!
• • 6:00-8:00pm, Siler City @ the #NCArtsIncubator  Artoberfest/Halloween Party https://www.facebook.com/events/496524784092617/?ti=ia
• Fri, November 2nd – w/Radar Clowns – Day of the Dead Show
• • 8:00pm, Hillsborough @ #MysteryBrewingCompany
• Sat, November 3rd – Me-n-Pete Duo
• • 7:15pm, Star, NC @ #StarworksCafeTaproom
• Sun, November 4th – w/Radar Clowns, Rain Dogs by Tom Waits Theme
• • 3:00-5:00pm, Pittsboro @ #CITYTAPPITTSBORO
• Fri, November 23 – Me-n-Bruce
• • 7:30-9:30pm, Asheboro, NC @ #Bottle&Can http://www.bottleandcannc.com
• Fri, November 30th – Anita Lorraine with Bruce Horvath
• •  https://tinyurl.com/StoneSoupShow
• • 7:00-9:00pm, Saxapahaw @ #TheEddyPub
• Fri, December 14 – One-Hit-Wonders-Reprise!

TuesDayNewsDay October 9th 2018

 “You are THAT feeling.” – as per a conversation with my dear friend Helme about wanting love and overcoming lonliness – remembering that we ARE that magical feeling of love birds’ first kiss.

Dear Humans,

Anita Moore here.  Welcome to TuesDayNewsDay! Learn about upcoming performances and what’s going on with me musically, emotionally/intellectually, and creatively, and also things that move, touch or inspire me. 

Dedication: Today, I dedicate this post to three people. The first person is my best friend Maggie, I love her tremendously and am glad to know her.  She inspires me to be more open, accepting, honest in my self-awareness and proud of myself as a person and musician.  The second, her name is also Maggie; I was gifted the honor of reading a dedication to this woman Maggie who was the author’s mother.  She was his hiking companion and the dedication to her was so sweet and charming.  (I always read the dedication of a book first.) The third person, is my friend Elm.  Elm is an amazing human being and his respect, love for the natural world and talents are beyond my comprehension.  I admire him and his work; he inspires me to be outside more and to bend my will of focus and to become better at being me.  

Today, like last week, I’m in love with this rock upon which I sit.  The Magic Rock – my new weekly hideout. I got to share it with Elm this morning, checking out the possible persimmon tree and sycamore elbow, little beetles, leaves, the water rolling by and beams of sunshine shining through the clouds.  A pleasure to spend coffee time in the morning with friends.  (My favorite way to start the day.) There’s a tiny sweat bee on my foot. It tickles but I’m leaving him be. Leave it bee. Ha. 

 

Last week was wrought with struggles and triggers for me and many others witnessing Congress force Kavanaugh into the Supreme Court.  I was not alone in my state of.  I cycled through disgust, anger, sadness, and frustration. I had a hard time with all these feels.  The previous week, I experienced the same.  However, this week, I experienced some rage with my fellow human beings cohabiting a festival with me; it gave me tremendous pause.  I was judging people for being so happy.  I was blaming them for the lack of participatory democracy in this country, dancing around, totally unaffected by what I knew was actually going on.  I took my leave of the festival and went home to refect.  Who was I to judge others? From what holier-than-thou precipice was I standing?  What self-righteous intolerance was brooding within me? Answering these questions helped me to release the hold I imagined I had upon these people and their lives.  The judgment is a cage I can choose to exit. Walk away.  I felt the need to reach out to a dear friend in GA for support.  I spoke with him for one of our hours–long coffee and conversations and he shared with me an article by Howard Zinn.  It helped put everything into perspective about the institution of the Supreme Court and for what it serves: the Constitution – NOT the People.  Check it out. It game me comfort to read this article and helped to simmer down my judgment of other people.  In it Zinn says, “It would be naive to depend upon the Supreme Court to defent the rights of poor people, women, people of color, dissenters of all kinds.  Those rights only come alive when citizens organize, protest, demonstrate, strike, boycott, rebel, and violate the law in order to uphold justice. The distinction between law and justice is ignored by all those Senators,—Democrats AND Republicans— who solemnly invoke as their highest concern “the rule of law.”  The law can be just; it can be unjust… The Constitution gave no rights to the working people; no right to work less than 12 hours a day, no right to a living wage… Workers had to organize, go on strike, defy the law… creating a movement that caused such commotion that Congress was FORCED to pass…” laws to address these concerns. The dancing humans then, are living their lives and I must respect that. People are where they are, I can only look after myself and change my own behaviors, outlook, and choices – I will advocate for justice when I can – but be not attached to outcomes. #LetGoandLetGod

Www.tinyurl.com/ZinnArticle

This week I’ll be speaking on a panel in Durham at North Carolina Central University on the subject of the proposed NC Constitutional amendments which will be on the ballot this cycle. I’ll follow up here with information regarding that, but basically, Nix ALL SIX! And be sure to vote yes on the Education bonds (all 3). More to come on that.

Also, coming up this weekend, I will be EmCee’ing the Empty Bowls fundraiser hosted by the organization TABLE of Carrboro.  TABLE feeds hungry kids in the area and this year the goal is to be able to feed 750 kids a week.  That is no joke.  I know what it feels like to be hungry.  When I was less than 3, I was living in the back of a Grand Torino and I remember my grandparents (Maw Maw and Paw Paw) coming to take me back home with them.  Maw Maw says, “I’ve never seen a little girl eat so much…”  That memory always makes me so grateful for them and so humbled to have the privilege of eating three meals a day.  Be grateful yall and give back.  Come on out, the event is from 3-7 at the Weaver Street Market lawn this Sunday.  Here is the link: https://www.tablenc.org/empty-bowls and here is my blog post about why I am honored to be involved: 

“Dear  Community,

 

 

With lots of lessons learned, I am savoring today.  The new Moon gave direct inspiration for what I want to bring into my life.  I set those prayers on fire and watched as the smoke rose into the sky.  I open myself to the love and solid feeling of being in this moment and taking it all in.  No expectations or judgment, only appreciation and curiosity. What’s on the other side? “We’ll see.” she says.  

A new song came to me today; I was humming Autumn Leaves this morning and this afternoon a jolly new song filled with wonder entered the world.  I think you’ll like it. Also, by popular demand, I have added a calendar to my website calendar tab so you can find out when/where I’m performing next. ❤ 

Love, because it saves the world,

ALM

 

#LivingQueryoftheWeek : What is your favorite way to wake up in the morning and start your day?

Loving this process: This post is about what I plan to do with it.

As I was speaking yesterday with a dear friend, I began to realize just how much Ive have learned since just under a year ago.  I now have theories based on what I have learned and I’m thinking seriously about writing a book.  This book will encompass many things, and more yet to come that I am unaware of.  Instincts, survival mechanisms, learned tendencies, defective vs. default behavior, other theorists’ theories, my own lived experiences and stories I have heard in the context of a much more (thankfully) heightened awareness in our country about racism, rape/sexual abuse culture, and massive inequality across all spectrums.  I’ve also been in touch with the Cosmos and Spirit, my own inner voice, how hear her, learn from her and also to listen to her even when I don’t want to.

I am not complete in the information I want to include in this book, but I am going to start nonetheless, listing all the things I’ve learned at this point .  The most influential have been from Melody Beattie – Author of Codependent No More, Ross Rosenberg – Self-Love Deficit Disorder vs. Codependency, Francine Shapiro – EMDR founder, Luiz Diaz – Cellular Memory Release , this quote from Yogi Bhajan quote, and Al-Anon (If you haven’t heard about this, it is a group that you can find near you in just about anywhere USA, for friends and family of alcoholics.  This group also applies to people who grew up with mental illness, broken homes, traumatic childhoods, abuse/abandonment experiences, and addictions in general (drugs/alcohol/other addictions of family members/loved ones).  It really does apply in SO many situations.  I have heard some criticism of the group, but it works for me and makes me feel sane, strong, and feel that I am a worthwhile person.  There are also so many friends and influences who have said things I carry with me.  Mister Rogers, Maya Angelou, Zora Neale Hurston, Greg Brown, Joni Mitchell, Howard Zinn… so many amazing influences.

There are many more resources I’m sure I’ll think of as time passes; I’m just getting started in this whole idea so right now.  I’m gathering them all in my mind, writing them down and making note of everything that comes to mind that has helped me along the way.  There are tons of self-help books and auto-biographies, music albums and tiny magazines, personal testimonies and blogs out there to give advice and help people to see their world differently.  This is not my goal.  My goal is to share what helped me because I feel so privileged to have been given access somehow to all this information and I wouldn’t have known about any of it had I not started going to therapy in a serious way last year.  I want to share it cause it aught to be common knowledge, available to the public, and proliferated as optional learning for those who struggle.

We are products of every moment which came before.  All the experiences, the difficult and the easy, the majestic and the mundane, the painful and the joyful, they are all integral parts of who we are right now.  I am learning to embrace them all, without judgement and LORD THAT’S HARD.  All I know is that I want to get better and better, to learn and embody crafts that suit me.  Music suits me.  Story-telling suits me.  Art suits me.  One-on-one intimate conversation suits me.  Organizing and political activism/advocacy suits me, in manageable doses.  Creativity is a strong suit of mine, and I am passionate about what fuels me – learning to release the shame I’ve felt about literally everything.  I’m not exaggerating.  Everything, there was always a shame-laden blanket in every movement, decision, thought process, and a strong lack of self-awareness.  I’m happier than I have ever been, but through the vortex of confusion and humility I had to go – (“can’t go under it, can’t go around it… *childhood story rhymes*).

Those of you who have shared your painful experiences with me, your unending support, your shock about my personal stories coming out in the wash – thank you so much.  Especially those of you who came to me with your stories of rape, abuse, neglect, and struggle.  Many of you had never spoken to anyone about your stories.  I am honored to have inspired you to tell someone.  We need more speaking; Justice can be a very big word.  We have to START somewhere.  Telling someone can be the first step, or it can be the only step.  For me, sharing about the 6 times I’ve been abused sexually and the persistent motherly abandonment opened up this pathway and once you read this book you’ll find out the whole story – thanks 2016 election for pushing so many women to stand together in their painful experiences creating a whole combustion of truth to come forth in layer after layer of exposure.  Justice is coming.  In some ways it has come because isn’t awareness the first step in any movement?

To my dear friends who are on this journey with me, I honor you and keep my door open.  My priorities lie in taking care of myself, choosing to maintain my new-found boundaries, and listening to that ever-present voice/feeling inside me and the things I notice about my “natural” inclinations to think/feel certain things and my GOAL to re-train my brain, heart, body, and spirit to habitually respond in more healthy, joyful, and curiousity-driven ways.  In and through this goal process, my motivation is to embody love and the positive vision of myself, share (with tact and moderate reserve) the toolbox I’ve learned to keep handy, and from where all this stuff came.  I want love.  I want trust.  I want a safe, steady, loving, healthy partnership.  I’m not rushing to find this, I’m only just becoming available to myself right now, much less another human.  All in due time – I am learning to make decisions from a place of abundance vs. fear and beginning to pay more attention to that millisecond-long moment of decision motivation to simply notice it.  It comes and goes, some days are easier than others.  However the most important learning I’ve been blessed with is “choice”.  I get to choose how I see things, how I feel, how (and if!) I react or respond to things… what a blessing to which I never knew I had a right.

 

Thanks for reading this diatribe… It’s a basic lengthy way to say this:  I’m going to write a book.  It’s going to be about my journey and learnings.  I’m writing it for me, and I hope you get something out of it.  xoxo

 

Anita Lorraine Moore – Happy Autumn.

 

Poem jumped out of my hand today.