anitalorraine.com

Musician and Activist devoted to Justice, Creativity, and Courage


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Noticing and Learning – a book to write, guided stream of consciousness morning writings

Loving this process: This post is about what I plan to do with it.

As I was speaking yesterday with a dear friend, I began to realize just how much Ive have learned since just under a year ago.  I now have theories based on what I have learned and I’m thinking seriously about writing a book.  This book will encompass many things, and more yet to come that I am unaware of.  Instincts, survival mechanisms, learned tendencies, defective vs. default behavior, other theorists’ theories, my own lived experiences and stories I have heard in the context of a much more (thankfully) heightened awareness in our country about racism, rape/sexual abuse culture, and massive inequality across all spectrums.  I’ve also been in touch with the Cosmos and Spirit, my own inner voice, how hear her, learn from her and also to listen to her even when I don’t want to.

I am not complete in the information I want to include in this book, but I am going to start nonetheless, listing all the things I’ve learned at this point .  The most influential have been from Melody Beattie – Author of Codependent No More, Ross Rosenberg – Self-Love Deficit Disorder vs. Codependency, Francine Shapiro – EMDR founder, Luiz Diaz – Cellular Memory Release , this quote from Yogi Bhajan quote, and Al-Anon (If you haven’t heard about this, it is a group that you can find near you in just about anywhere USA, for friends and family of alcoholics.  This group also applies to people who grew up with mental illness, broken homes, traumatic childhoods, abuse/abandonment experiences, and addictions in general (drugs/alcohol/other addictions of family members/loved ones).  It really does apply in SO many situations.  I have heard some criticism of the group, but it works for me and makes me feel sane, strong, and feel that I am a worthwhile person.  There are also so many friends and influences who have said things I carry with me.  Mister Rogers, Maya Angelou, Zora Neale Hurston, Greg Brown, Joni Mitchell, Howard Zinn… so many amazing influences.

There are many more resources I’m sure I’ll think of as time passes; I’m just getting started in this whole idea so right now.  I’m gathering them all in my mind, writing them down and making note of everything that comes to mind that has helped me along the way.  There are tons of self-help books and auto-biographies, music albums and tiny magazines, personal testimonies and blogs out there to give advice and help people to see their world differently.  This is not my goal.  My goal is to share what helped me because I feel so privileged to have been given access somehow to all this information and I wouldn’t have known about any of it had I not started going to therapy in a serious way last year.  I want to share it cause it aught to be common knowledge, available to the public, and proliferated as optional learning for those who struggle.

We are products of every moment which came before.  All the experiences, the difficult and the easy, the majestic and the mundane, the painful and the joyful, they are all integral parts of who we are right now.  I am learning to embrace them all, without judgement and LORD THAT’S HARD.  All I know is that I want to get better and better, to learn and embody crafts that suit me.  Music suits me.  Story-telling suits me.  Art suits me.  One-on-one intimate conversation suits me.  Organizing and political activism/advocacy suits me, in manageable doses.  Creativity is a strong suit of mine, and I am passionate about what fuels me – learning to release the shame I’ve felt about literally everything.  I’m not exaggerating.  Everything, there was always a shame-laden blanket in every movement, decision, thought process, and a strong lack of self-awareness.  I’m happier than I have ever been, but through the vortex of confusion and humility I had to go – (“can’t go under it, can’t go around it… *childhood story rhymes*).

Those of you who have shared your painful experiences with me, your unending support, your shock about my personal stories coming out in the wash – thank you so much.  Especially those of you who came to me with your stories of rape, abuse, neglect, and struggle.  Many of you had never spoken to anyone about your stories.  I am honored to have inspired you to tell someone.  We need more speaking; Justice can be a very big word.  We have to START somewhere.  Telling someone can be the first step, or it can be the only step.  For me, sharing about the 6 times I’ve been abused sexually and the persistent motherly abandonment opened up this pathway and once you read this book you’ll find out the whole story – thanks 2016 election for pushing so many women to stand together in their painful experiences creating a whole combustion of truth to come forth in layer after layer of exposure.  Justice is coming.  In some ways it has come because isn’t awareness the first step in any movement?

To my dear friends who are on this journey with me, I honor you and keep my door open.  My priorities lie in taking care of myself, choosing to maintain my new-found boundaries, and listening to that ever-present voice/feeling inside me and the things I notice about my “natural” inclinations to think/feel certain things and my GOAL to re-train my brain, heart, body, and spirit to habitually respond in more healthy, joyful, and curiousity-driven ways.  In and through this goal process, my motivation is to embody love and the positive vision of myself, share (with tact and moderate reserve) the toolbox I’ve learned to keep handy, and from where all this stuff came.  I want love.  I want trust.  I want a safe, steady, loving, healthy partnership.  I’m not rushing to find this, I’m only just becoming available to myself right now, much less another human.  All in due time – I am learning to make decisions from a place of abundance vs. fear and beginning to pay more attention to that millisecond-long moment of decision motivation to simply notice it.  It comes and goes, some days are easier than others.  However the most important learning I’ve been blessed with is “choice”.  I get to choose how I see things, how I feel, how (and if!) I react or respond to things… what a blessing to which I never knew I had a right.

 

Thanks for reading this diatribe… It’s a basic lengthy way to say this:  I’m going to write a book.  It’s going to be about my journey and learnings.  I’m writing it for me, and I hope you get something out of it.  xoxo

 

Anita Lorraine Moore – Happy Autumn.

 


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Stream of Consciousness Shape of the Wind

 Loving Kindness

Love and Kindness

How much can you wish for others

How much can you allow for yourself?

Can you emanate this every moment

Each fleeting gust of wind

We can only guess the shape as it blows across the myriad

 

I weep at millions of butterflies

You’re beaten with ashes in your eyes

Beaten to laughter and bars of soap

Wondering if what you’ve seen is a joke

 

The submerged within shows herself

Singing of the rippling of waters and liquid potential of friends

 

I have rawness coursing through me

Tapping in is craving the connection and then doing something

 

I wish I was with you, not just a fly on the wall

To be your sounding board, to watch you as you fall

Asleep in my embrace, your warm breathe I could trace

Across your skin, your ears, your lips

I would dream of us sailing ships

Into a harbor where the water ripples with spirits and tadpoles

Where the sacred is forever learning to flow

 

 

 


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Ms. Moore

Tomorrow it is my new birthday

I get to begin again

My ego has extinguished

As the girl who once was your friend

Tomorrow I start over

Tread on this world lighthearted

Relinquish my claim to inheritance

Of invasion, predation, where the pain started

Tomorrow I will step into myself

Glittering in the sun around my eyes

Moonbeams once pulsing through my fingers

Will abolish my souls’ historic cries

Tomorrow I honor my true beginnings

The steadfast, solid, the core

They held me, saved me, cradled a starving child

Tomorrow, I become me, Anita Moore.

Earle and Juanita Moore, better known as Maw Maw and Paw Paw to all of you. They helped me to be the resilient person I have been. I change my last name in their honor, and give myself permission to be loved and appreciated as the woman I have become.


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Unceasing unending

The heart knows its journey

An unceasing search for love

An unwavering tether to a quest unending

Seems when it’s found, for me then I get lost

Don’t know what to do when the goings are good

When something feels so right, I doubt its rightness, there is no trust of self

I begin to see the flaws

I begin to feel there is carpet under my feet rather than solid ground

All I could count on was uncertainty

Perhaps the paradox is my sentencing

I feel yearning for fulfillment

Through unspoken understanding

Some may call it undeveloped emotional maturity

Yeah this is who I am

A child habitual reflex

response to daily perpetuation of unknown

This is why I search

Why I dig

Why I can’t stop learning

It’s a forever that gives me calm when none can be found

If I can explain it

I can understand it

I can rise above it

I can learn to live with the inevitable

Have you ever felt this way?

despite the joy you feel, there is a bottomless cup longing to be filled?

And there is never enough – or there hasn’t been yet…

I know for once, I am worthy

I feel at last I am deserving of love

Just as all the rest of you

Yet now, the puzzle is the remembering

“But you’ve come so far”

That divine voice came from somewhere in my depths

Perhaps it is the love for which I seek

I want to believe it’s within me not without.

There’s Jesus