anitalorraine.com

Musician and Activist devoted to Justice, Creativity, and Courage


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TuesDayNewsDay Vol. 1, Issue 3 – October 16, 2018

TuesDayNewsDay ~ October 16 2018

“I can live for two months on a compliment.” – Mark Twain

Dear Humans,

Cheers and good afternoon to you all.  Candles burning and the waning, shorter-days light creeping in all the windows… This week has been all the ups and downs – trees on houses, love ablaze, adventure and longing, hurricane magic and destruction.  Old friends and new, hearts on the line, just like the laundry – they need a second rinse in the rain. Today, this is the third installment of TuesDayNewsDay and there are some wonderful events coming up, weather willing, I am excited to share with you.  I invite you to join me! I sit with my cup, just back from the magic rock, wiped clean from the flood, no memories remain, only leftover grains of sand from upriver.

 

Dedication: This issue is dedicated to all those who are still struggling after this hurricane.  We were without power for about 3 days and lost hundreds of dollars worth of food that went bad in our refridgerator.  We are not alone.  Friends’ homes were destroyed and several people died along its way.  My local friends in Saxapahaw who own restaurants lost a ton of farmers’ food; it’s a doggone shame.  If you can find a way to help someone, in any instance, please do so. Ask around, I’m sure someone you know might need a hand with something.

On that note, I must say… I appreciate when there isn’t electricity flowing all around me.  It was beautiful walking around with candles and quiet.  I swear I think I can feel electricity and the waves from all the technology surrounding me. Sometimes when I’m holding my phone, my hand tingles and I get a cold chill.  Wonder if anyone else experiences that phenomenon…? Outside in nature, what we have left of it between the paved streets and strip malls, is my favorite place to be.  I want a simple home, surrounded by trees, some clean water source, and a place where I can poop outside.  I had several hilarious conversations this week about that very thing since many folks couldn’t flush their toilets.

On the note of hurricane Michael, I would like to share with you (somewhat edited for efficiency here) my sunset experience Thursday night, written in my journal, the day the lights went out in Saxapahaw:

“The storm came through, wind hissing and howling around the NorthEast corner of my house and the power was out. I walked outside facing West, as the sky began to open with shades of amazing yellows, grays, and even hints of green, realizing the blessing of this experience, no thought of searching for a camera. Falling misty rain magically glinted and sparkled through beams of the shining sun. Raindrops on the tall pine forest limbs all glimmered in that bright, direct, however near-gone light. The sky beyond was just as blue as the eyes of Sinatra. I looked on as the clouds morphed and flew through the air, seemingly close enough to touch and falling down all around me, standing in awe on the street. To the East, the clouds gathered on top of themselves, the faint rainbow intensified the closer you followed it to the Northern horizon. Crow, wet with rain, reflected the sunlight as he danced above in the whipping wind. I have never seen in my life such a sight as I have seen this evening.  I thought I was dreaming, sharing in my amazement at this natural, divine spectacle. 

I stared quietly on in wonder as I arrived back into my room, through the window, at the eerie blue reflections of the sky on Western facing windows. As the sky darkened and the shadows grew deeper, I blew out my candles and I bid adieu to this day.  Awakened from a long, solitary slumber to the beauty of moments as they fly by, I give thanks.” 

This week also was quite eventful. I hosted the Empty Bowls fundraiser on Sunday afternoon.  Saturday morning was sad, cleaning out the refridgerator of food gone bad and taking care of the house…  Had the pleasure of playing a gig and sleeping in a tent Saturday night in Todd, NC for my dear old friends’ birthday party.  Circles of musicians pickin’ til the wee hours of the morning.  Friday, I had a wonderful breakfast at Maggies and several of us went for a much needed hike over at Cedarock Park.  Thursday was the night of the amazing hurricane sunset, and Wednesday, I had a lovely birthday breakfast with Tonya, got to sit with Elm for several hours in the coffee shop, had a lovely Al-Anon meeting, then had dinner with Bruce.

This week I am slowing things down, cleaning up, and being in the moment – even when I’m busy beavering.  I tend to get so caught up in doing, that I don’t take time to just be/observe/breathe.  At therapy this week, we talked about taking things one day at a time and the courage to be assertive about my needs/desires.  My ability to sit still and “meditate” is near impossible (at least for now) and so I’ve realized that walking meditation might be exactly what I can do. I go for a walk through the woods early every morning. It is grounding, literally. This week I made a playlist of music and while walking, I simply say in my mind, “right… left… right… left…” When I lose track, I just go back to “right… left… right… left…” I enjoy that walk so much. (Walking playlist: https://tinyurl.com/AutumnLeavesPlaylist)

For therapy next week, I am beginning more self-awareness work around forgiveness… Learning to forgive has to start with my mother and I am not looking forward to this delving process.  I worry that my relationships and people I attract into my life represent challenges mirroring childhood challenges… refusing forgiveness of myself and holding people to extremely high standards, without really being able to see a human functioning best they can.. In some ways, if I am to grow and live the life I desire, my magnet needs to switch gears, toward the other pole, for more balance. We will begin doing EMDR again I am sure, part of me REALLY does not want to get into it – but the more intuitive part of me knows that I must if I want to lift the burden of resentment and use that eviction of weight to enjoy fully the potential light-weight exuberance of life.   No matter what one’s circumstances, hungry or well-fed, the choice to see life from a place of abundance versus scarcity is always an option. We get to choose. I’m walking toward the choice of abundance – even in the face of adversity. I have learned that I cannot do the justice work for which I am so impassioned without first finding justice for myself. Thank you Al-Anon and Melody Beattie.

#LivingQueryOfTheWeek : What makes you smile no matter what?

For me, some are: butterflies, the Moon (especially when she returns from the shadow), watching dogs swim, splashing in the rain, baby ducks, train whistle at night, old cars, old songs that remind me of my grandparents, and singing harmonies with my friends.

Alrighty then, UPCOMING SHOWS:

  • Sat, October 20th – w/Radar Clowns, Rain Dogs by Tom Waits Theme – we hope the weather will cooperate with this one!
  • Fri, November 2nd – w/Radar Clowns – Day of the Dead Show
    • 8:00pm, Hillsborough @ #MysteryBrewingCompany
  • Sat, November 3rd – Me-n-Pete Duo
    • 7:15pm, Star, NC @ #StarworksCafeTaproom
  • Sun, November 4th – w/Radar Clowns, Rain Dogs by Tom Waits Theme
    • 3:00-5:00pm, Pittsboro @ #CITYTAPPITTSBORO
  • Fri, November 23 – Me-n-Bruce
  • Fri, November 30th – Anita Lorraine with Bruce Horvath
    • 7:00-9:00pm, Saxapahaw @ #TheEddyPub
  • Fri, December 14 – One-Hit-Wonders-Reprise!


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TuesDayNewsDay, Vol.1, Issue 2 ~ October 9, 2018

TuesDayNewsDay October 9th 2018

 “You are THAT feeling.” – as per a conversation with my dear friend Helme about wanting love and overcoming lonliness – remembering that we ARE that magical feeling of love birds’ first kiss.

Dear Humans,

Anita Moore here.  Welcome to TuesDayNewsDay! Learn about upcoming performances and what’s going on with me musically, emotionally/intellectually, and creatively, and also things that move, touch or inspire me. 

Dedication: Today, I dedicate this post to three people. The first person is my best friend Maggie, I love her tremendously and am glad to know her.  She inspires me to be more open, accepting, honest in my self-awareness and proud of myself as a person and musician.  The second, her name is also Maggie; I was gifted the honor of reading a dedication to this woman Maggie who was the author’s mother.  She was his hiking companion and the dedication to her was so sweet and charming.  (I always read the dedication of a book first.) The third person, is my friend Elm.  Elm is an amazing human being and his respect, love for the natural world and talents are beyond my comprehension.  I admire him and his work; he inspires me to be outside more and to bend my will of focus and to become better at being me.  

Today, like last week, I’m in love with this rock upon which I sit.  The Magic Rock – my new weekly hideout. I got to share it with Elm this morning, checking out the possible persimmon tree and sycamore elbow, little beetles, leaves, the water rolling by and beams of sunshine shining through the clouds.  A pleasure to spend coffee time in the morning with friends.  (My favorite way to start the day.) There’s a tiny sweat bee on my foot. It tickles but I’m leaving him be. Leave it bee. Ha. 

 

Last week was wrought with struggles and triggers for me and many others witnessing Congress force Kavanaugh into the Supreme Court.  I was not alone in my state of.  I cycled through disgust, anger, sadness, and frustration. I had a hard time with all these feels.  The previous week, I experienced the same.  However, this week, I experienced some rage with my fellow human beings cohabiting a festival with me; it gave me tremendous pause.  I was judging people for being so happy.  I was blaming them for the lack of participatory democracy in this country, dancing around, totally unaffected by what I knew was actually going on.  I took my leave of the festival and went home to refect.  Who was I to judge others? From what holier-than-thou precipice was I standing?  What self-righteous intolerance was brooding within me? Answering these questions helped me to release the hold I imagined I had upon these people and their lives.  The judgment is a cage I can choose to exit. Walk away.  I felt the need to reach out to a dear friend in GA for support.  I spoke with him for one of our hourslong coffee and conversations and he shared with me an article by Howard Zinn.  It helped put everything into perspective about the institution of the Supreme Court and for what it serves: the Constitution – NOT the People.  Check it out. It game me comfort to read this article and helped to simmer down my judgment of other people.  In it Zinn says, “It would be naive to depend upon the Supreme Court to defent the rights of poor people, women, people of color, dissenters of all kinds.  Those rights only come alive when citizens organize, protest, demonstrate, strike, boycott, rebel, and violate the law in order to uphold justice. The distinction between law and justice is ignored by all those Senators,—Democrats AND Republicans— who solemnly invoke as their highest concern “the rule of law.”  The law can be just; it can be unjust… The Constitution gave no rights to the working people; no right to work less than 12 hours a day, no right to a living wage… Workers had to organize, go on strike, defy the law… creating a movement that caused such commotion that Congress was FORCED to pass…” laws to address these concerns. The dancing humans then, are living their lives and I must respect that. People are where they are, I can only look after myself and change my own behaviors, outlook, and choices – I will advocate for justice when I can – but be not attached to outcomes. #LetGoandLetGod

Www.tinyurl.com/ZinnArticle

This week I’ll be speaking on a panel in Durham at North Carolina Central University on the subject of the proposed NC Constitutional amendments which will be on the ballot this cycle. I’ll follow up here with information regarding that, but basically, Nix ALL SIX! And be sure to vote yes on the Education bonds (all 3). More to come on that.

Also, coming up this weekend, I will be EmCee’ing the Empty Bowls fundraiser hosted by the organization TABLE of Carrboro.  TABLE feeds hungry kids in the area and this year the goal is to be able to feed 750 kids a week.  That is no joke.  I know what it feels like to be hungry.  When I was less than 3, I was living in the back of a Grand Torino and I remember my grandparents (Maw Maw and Paw Paw) coming to take me back home with them.  Maw Maw says, “I’ve never seen a little girl eat so much…”  That memory always makes me so grateful for them and so humbled to have the privilege of eating three meals a day.  Be grateful yall and give back.  Come on out, the event is from 3-7 at the Weaver Street Market lawn this Sunday.  Here is the link: https://www.tablenc.org/empty-bowls and here is my blog post about why I am honored to be involved: 

“Dear  Community,

My name is Anita Moore and I have been a supporter of TABLE now for just under a year.  I was asked to emcee TABLE’s Empty Bowls fundraiser because I have skills for that sort of thing, being a community musician and teacher.  My prioritization in volunteering for this event was the heart of the organization itself.  Feeding and taking care of hungry children are services that speak closely to my heart.  I was raised in two different worlds growing up, one of them was a safe haven, but the other was a constant unknown.  I didn’t know if I’d be hungry, clean, or safe on a constant basis.  The feeling of hunger is something I know deep in my bones and it causes aspects of our personalities to develop into living our lives from a place of scarcity.  We do not need our children to live coming from that kind of place. It is haunting into their future and bears a tremendous weight on the spirit of a community.  I want to give what I can, my own unique gifts and experience to help kids in my community to avoid that gnawing pain of hunger and the unknown.  Let us provide nourishment for their bodies as well as their young, growing minds.    
Hats off to TABLE for making Empty Bowls happen every year.  I am honored to be a part of such an event.  You can too, see you there!
With love and abundance,
Anita Moore”
 

 

 

With lots of lessons learned, I am savoring today.  The new Moon gave direct inspiration for what I want to bring into my life.  I set those prayers on fire and watched as the smoke rose into the sky.  I open myself to the love and solid feeling of being in this moment and taking it all in.  No expectations or judgment, only appreciation and curiosity. What’s on the other side? “We’ll see.” she says.  

A new song came to me today; I was humming Autumn Leaves this morning and this afternoon a jolly new song filled with wonder entered the world.  I think you’ll like it. Also, by popular demand, I have added a calendar to my website calendar tab so you can find out when/where I’m performing next. ❤ 

Love, because it saves the world,

ALM

 

#LivingQueryoftheWeek : What is your favorite way to wake up in the morning and start your day?


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AnitaLorraine’s TuesDayNewsDay, Vol. 1, Issue 1 ~ October 2, 2018

TuesDayNewsDay

AnitaLorraineMoore

“Learn to handle the valleys Quincy, the hills will take care of themselves.” -Count Basie to Quincy Jones

Dear Humans,

Here comes the new Anita Moore newsletter every Tuesday describing what’s going on with me musically, emotionally/intellectually, creatively, and about life in general and things that move, touch or inspire me. We’ll start with a #freshquote and dedication – the #LivingQueryoftheWeek (respond in the comment section) and #UpcomingShows !!

Dedication: Auspiciously, my late brother Skip used to start a new journal on October 1 every year. This issue is dedicated to him. I miss him so much.

Over the last few weeks, there’ve been a lot of life events that have given me great pause. My 96 year old great aunt Helen passed and I sang a few songs for her funeral, I dealt with a staph infection, and my grandfather had pretty serious surgery to unblock his carotid artery (with him being in the hospital it inevitably means that my grandmother’s going to be on edge as well – they are attached at the hip quite literally. It’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.) Lastly, the Supreme Court fiasco has triggered many feelings of anger, helplessness, and memories of not being believed, invalidation, and being ridiculed by my mother starting at the age of 7. Call your Senators people. Vote them out if they don’t act upon your testimonies. We cannot allow the perpetuation of this behavior with silence.

I’m working part time with Democracy Matters and have 10 wonderful chapters of students who are doing amazing awareness raising work from Florida to New York. Syracuse University, Gettysburg, University of Maryland, North Carolina Central University, a new chapter at UNC, Guilford college, the University of Miami, the University of Georgia in Athens, University of Florida in Gainesville, and the New College of Florida.

Music has given me quite a bit of inspiration. I am so honored and grateful to have been able to open that door when I did. Many, many other doors have opened subsequently from that divine choice.  This past weekend, I got to perform three shows w/Pete Pawsey. Sunday at the Carrboro music festival, I was a complete rockstar and dressed the part too! With the Radar Clowns – On that day an amazing five piece horn section, smooth piano, energetic drums, and rockin’ Pete on the guitar, I sang my heart out on several songs and we had so much wonderful reception. I felt very tuned in at that moment and realized how happy I am to have started this journey when I did. Thank you all for supporting me. I could not do it without you.

In my personal, therapeutic journey, I have learned a lot about myself and about my motivations for work, life decisions, and habitual responses that honestly I would like to alter for the betterment of my sanity and for the world in general around me. I found that I was doing political service work in such a way that I was avoiding my own process of healing and/or avoiding my own historical traumatic struggle. I was unknowingly convinced that the world was easier to fix than my pain. Well… I am not doing that anymore. I have begun to prioritize my own mental health and establishing boundaries. Going to an Al-Anon meeting weekly, I just began working with my first sponsor. I’ve been doing cognitive behavioral therapy weekly, implementing EMDR sessions throughout. There is a book I’ve decided to write, for which I have begun gathering sources. The album concept is complete and I have all but two songs completely recorded in a demo. Right now I am compiling a list of accompaniment and considering different production styles and offers. I have applied for a potential teaching position at Alamance Community College – critical thinking. *fingers crossed* PS: I love lists.

My struggles have been with food lately and maintaining some semblance of exercise. I’ve been paying more attention to patterns, realizing that hormonally there are some disturbances at certain times of the month when I become desperate, hopeless, depressed, irritated and lethargic. To start, going on morning walks has been really helpful. Waking up early to watch the sunrise is a blessing; I had forgotten how beautiful the sunrise is. This morning it was an amalgamation of all sorts of pinks, purples, and yellows and blue-grey clouds. The moon has also been especially haunting in a good way lately, happy October! *groovy happy dance*  

At this very moment I am sitting on what Bruce calls “the magic rock”, where the creek bends and the water forms soothing sounds. Birds are chirping all around and the crickets are playing their endless tiny violin songs.

With Love, because it saves the world,

ALM

#LivingQueryoftheWeek : What is your most effective tool for self-love/self-care?

 

 

Upcoming Shows:

  • Sat, October 20th – w/Radar Clowns, Rain Dogs by Tom Waits Theme
  • Fri, November 2nd – w/Radar Clowns – Day of the Dead Show
    • 8:00pm, Hillsborough @ #MysteryBrewingCompany
  • Sat, November 3rd – Me-n-Pete Duo
    • 7:15pm, Star, NC @ #StarworksCafeTaproom
  • Sun, November 4th – w/Radar Clowns, Rain Dogs by Tom Waits Theme
    • 3:00-5:00pm, Pittsboro @ #CITYTAPPITTSBORO
  • Fri, November 30th – Anita Lorraine with Bruce Horvath

 


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Noticing and Learning – a book to write, guided stream of consciousness morning writings

Loving this process: This post is about what I plan to do with it.

As I was speaking yesterday with a dear friend, I began to realize just how much Ive have learned since just under a year ago.  I now have theories based on what I have learned and I’m thinking seriously about writing a book.  This book will encompass many things, and more yet to come that I am unaware of.  Instincts, survival mechanisms, learned tendencies, defective vs. default behavior, other theorists’ theories, my own lived experiences and stories I have heard in the context of a much more (thankfully) heightened awareness in our country about racism, rape/sexual abuse culture, and massive inequality across all spectrums.  I’ve also been in touch with the Cosmos and Spirit, my own inner voice, how hear her, learn from her and also to listen to her even when I don’t want to.

I am not complete in the information I want to include in this book, but I am going to start nonetheless, listing all the things I’ve learned at this point .  The most influential have been from Melody Beattie – Author of Codependent No More, Ross Rosenberg – Self-Love Deficit Disorder vs. Codependency, Francine Shapiro – EMDR founder, Luiz Diaz – Cellular Memory Release , this quote from Yogi Bhajan quote, and Al-Anon (If you haven’t heard about this, it is a group that you can find near you in just about anywhere USA, for friends and family of alcoholics.  This group also applies to people who grew up with mental illness, broken homes, traumatic childhoods, abuse/abandonment experiences, and addictions in general (drugs/alcohol/other addictions of family members/loved ones).  It really does apply in SO many situations.  I have heard some criticism of the group, but it works for me and makes me feel sane, strong, and feel that I am a worthwhile person.  There are also so many friends and influences who have said things I carry with me.  Mister Rogers, Maya Angelou, Zora Neale Hurston, Greg Brown, Joni Mitchell, Howard Zinn… so many amazing influences.

There are many more resources I’m sure I’ll think of as time passes; I’m just getting started in this whole idea so right now.  I’m gathering them all in my mind, writing them down and making note of everything that comes to mind that has helped me along the way.  There are tons of self-help books and auto-biographies, music albums and tiny magazines, personal testimonies and blogs out there to give advice and help people to see their world differently.  This is not my goal.  My goal is to share what helped me because I feel so privileged to have been given access somehow to all this information and I wouldn’t have known about any of it had I not started going to therapy in a serious way last year.  I want to share it cause it aught to be common knowledge, available to the public, and proliferated as optional learning for those who struggle.

We are products of every moment which came before.  All the experiences, the difficult and the easy, the majestic and the mundane, the painful and the joyful, they are all integral parts of who we are right now.  I am learning to embrace them all, without judgement and LORD THAT’S HARD.  All I know is that I want to get better and better, to learn and embody crafts that suit me.  Music suits me.  Story-telling suits me.  Art suits me.  One-on-one intimate conversation suits me.  Organizing and political activism/advocacy suits me, in manageable doses.  Creativity is a strong suit of mine, and I am passionate about what fuels me – learning to release the shame I’ve felt about literally everything.  I’m not exaggerating.  Everything, there was always a shame-laden blanket in every movement, decision, thought process, and a strong lack of self-awareness.  I’m happier than I have ever been, but through the vortex of confusion and humility I had to go – (“can’t go under it, can’t go around it… *childhood story rhymes*).

Those of you who have shared your painful experiences with me, your unending support, your shock about my personal stories coming out in the wash – thank you so much.  Especially those of you who came to me with your stories of rape, abuse, neglect, and struggle.  Many of you had never spoken to anyone about your stories.  I am honored to have inspired you to tell someone.  We need more speaking; Justice can be a very big word.  We have to START somewhere.  Telling someone can be the first step, or it can be the only step.  For me, sharing about the 6 times I’ve been abused sexually and the persistent motherly abandonment opened up this pathway and once you read this book you’ll find out the whole story – thanks 2016 election for pushing so many women to stand together in their painful experiences creating a whole combustion of truth to come forth in layer after layer of exposure.  Justice is coming.  In some ways it has come because isn’t awareness the first step in any movement?

To my dear friends who are on this journey with me, I honor you and keep my door open.  My priorities lie in taking care of myself, choosing to maintain my new-found boundaries, and listening to that ever-present voice/feeling inside me and the things I notice about my “natural” inclinations to think/feel certain things and my GOAL to re-train my brain, heart, body, and spirit to habitually respond in more healthy, joyful, and curiousity-driven ways.  In and through this goal process, my motivation is to embody love and the positive vision of myself, share (with tact and moderate reserve) the toolbox I’ve learned to keep handy, and from where all this stuff came.  I want love.  I want trust.  I want a safe, steady, loving, healthy partnership.  I’m not rushing to find this, I’m only just becoming available to myself right now, much less another human.  All in due time – I am learning to make decisions from a place of abundance vs. fear and beginning to pay more attention to that millisecond-long moment of decision motivation to simply notice it.  It comes and goes, some days are easier than others.  However the most important learning I’ve been blessed with is “choice”.  I get to choose how I see things, how I feel, how (and if!) I react or respond to things… what a blessing to which I never knew I had a right.

 

Thanks for reading this diatribe… It’s a basic lengthy way to say this:  I’m going to write a book.  It’s going to be about my journey and learnings.  I’m writing it for me, and I hope you get something out of it.  xoxo

 

Anita Lorraine Moore – Happy Autumn.

 


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Stream of Consciousness Shape of the Wind

 Loving Kindness

Love and Kindness

How much can you wish for others

How much can you allow for yourself?

Can you emanate this every moment

Each fleeting gust of wind

We can only guess the shape as it blows across the myriad

 

I weep at millions of butterflies

You’re beaten with ashes in your eyes

Beaten to laughter and bars of soap

Wondering if what you’ve seen is a joke

 

The submerged within shows herself

Singing of the rippling of waters and liquid potential of friends

 

I have rawness coursing through me

Tapping in is craving the connection and then doing something

 

I wish I was with you, not just a fly on the wall

To be your sounding board, to watch you as you fall

Asleep in my embrace, your warm breathe I could trace

Across your skin, your ears, your lips

I would dream of us sailing ships

Into a harbor where the water ripples with spirits and tadpoles

Where the sacred is forever learning to flow